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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shm after children are at school

921 replies

Notthinkingclearly · 05/02/2017 17:45

I have 2 dc who are 6 and 9. Since my first child was born i have been a stay at home mum. My DH works away alot abroad so I am often on my own. My Dc's have not been the most robust and have both had quite a few weeks off school with legitimate reasons over the last few years with hospital appointments. I have felt that if I had been at work I would have been a rubbish employee. I seem to be really busy all the time but feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job. I look after a relations 2 year old one day a week, help in school one day a week and I am a member of the schools PTA. I don't go out apart from supermarket or a walk during the week and only ever sit down to eat my lunch during the day. Am I as spoilt and lazy as I am made to feel?

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheets · 06/02/2017 19:52

you don't have to justify your choices to anyone - just do what works for you!

I would back Wizard a little though - it is possible to work - I am single, 3 kids - eldest with behavioural needs - I've always worked - currently work FT - I used CM's and holiday clubs - now 2 of them are old enough to walk home and look after themselves a bit

I don't work term time only or 9-3pm - I work 8-5 most days

If you want to work you find a way if you don't that's also okay!

Bambambini · 06/02/2017 19:52

"The fact that they can come home to home cooked from a mum who's shopped for the nicest food, to a house that's clean, tidy and comforting is so special."

where do you live - Stepford?

GetAHaircutCarl · 06/02/2017 19:52

Vitriolic attacks?

Fuck me, people can stand to be challenged surely? If this is vitriolic, stay off the feminist threads for the love of God.

Foxesarefriends · 06/02/2017 19:53

Yes, vitriolic attacks. Don't tell me which threads to stay off either.

GetAHaircutCarl · 06/02/2017 19:53

Chill pill?

BitchQueen90 · 06/02/2017 19:55

NoMoreAngst I'm one. 😂

Must be nice to have the option at all, frankly!

Saying that, I actually love my job and I'd do it even if I didn't need the money. But I have a friend in a similar situation who hates hers and cries every morning before going in to work, but she has no choice. The father of her son pays no maintenance either. My heart goes out to her.

Foxesarefriends · 06/02/2017 19:55

Absolutely, you should take one. That swearing can't be good for you.

Foxesarefriends · 06/02/2017 19:56

Yes, this is such a 'challenging' retort,

Well I just don't respect the opinion of someone with such a bizarre sense of entitlement who is happy to live off another human being just 'because'

Bambambini · 06/02/2017 19:56

I don't think it was the posters who sah who started being critical though.

GimmeeMoore · 06/02/2017 19:57

don't get folk who say twee stuff like can't we all accept each other choices.whats it matter etc
Well the op asked for,invited opinion and she's getting a myriad of opinion
Point of mn,is share opinion.inc contrary opinion,and not fret why can't we all just be nice

StealthPolarBear · 06/02/2017 19:59

Maybe I'm just not sacrificing enough. I work for the same reasons dh does, and because ultimately I want to.

Foxesarefriends · 06/02/2017 20:00

I judge someone who holds such contempt for what another women does, that's an opinion.
I genuinely do not care what other people do.

It's been compared to being a prostitute before on another thread.

mambono5 · 06/02/2017 20:00

What I want to see is what happens when WizardSally's child gets married and his/her partner decides to stay at home with the kids. Grin

Lilypurple · 06/02/2017 20:01

Why do people insist that a woman should work? Why can't she be a sham? If finances allow and the family are not on govt money? Who are these women in career jobs working 9.30-2.30? None that I know. A few remain in their previous jobs that are downsized of responsibility and salary and mean there will zero prospects of promotion in the future and as if that isn't enough someone else is getting the benefit of spending time with their children. Why should a woman get a job just for the sake it and in doing so take a desperately wanted job from another woman who doesn't have the luxury of a good family income. Feminism gives us the right to make our own choices surely.

GetAHaircutCarl · 06/02/2017 20:02

Same stealth.

But I'm dead greedy. I like money and success and recognition and fullfillment. I'm like that Damien Hurst motto... what is it? I'll have to look it up...

GimmeeMoore · 06/02/2017 20:03

You see I don't buy this motherhood is sacrifice.the guilty harried working mum
No one berates a man for working ft it's a given,societal expectation that dads work
And unfortunately it's also a societal expectation that women given things up for family

StealthPolarBear · 06/02/2017 20:04

Carl do you have a coat made of puppies ? :o

Mrsfrumble · 06/02/2017 20:04

Do people who post thing said like the statement that Foxes just quoted know any SAHMs of school age children? Have friends or acquaintances in that situation? And are you really thinking that when you speak to them and spend time in their company?

I think that's why I struggle with how polarized these threads become. Because I know mothers who have worked full time since their children were infants, and mothers who have never worked outside the home. And I can't imagine judging their intelligence, worth or the validity of their opinions based solely on that basis.

JassyRadlett · 06/02/2017 20:05

No-one had yet answered my question - honestly when you are working, how do you manage children being sick (one of mine has just been off school for a week), school holidays, INSET days, school meetings, appointments?

In turn:

  1. Leave, unpaid time off or wfh, depending on which child. I'm fortunate to be able to wfh. DH and I split sick days equally. When DS2 has surgery this year I'll take unpaid parental leave.
  1. Annual leave, holiday clubs or reciprocal agreements with friends. We accept we will only have 2-3 weeks off a year together from now on, maximum, including Christmas. We sit down with our diaries at the start of the school year and map our childcare plans for school holidays.
  1. Annual leave or reciprocal with friends.
  1. Miss them all too often if they don't fit with work hours. Make this clear to the school as it is a failure to be inclusive. Sometimes shift my compressed week to accommodate school events, which is a major ballache regarding childcare for the small one.
  1. Arrange for convenient times as much as possible. My employer is sensible, they know I will often be working until midnight so they don't quibble about the youngest's hospital appointments, which we share equally.

We have zero family support but decent incomes (though it's tight with combined childcare costs running at £20k+ per year - I dream of after school club only costing £10!) We are luckier than many, and we make it work. It's possible, even though its complicated and logistically challenging. It does require both parents to pull their weight, though.

GetAHaircutCarl · 06/02/2017 20:07

I Want to Spend the Rest of My Life Everywhere, with Everyone, One to One, Always, Forever, Now.

StealthPolarBear · 06/02/2017 20:12

Tbh my work is my main interest, my hobby. People find that pathetic but never mind.

GimmeeMoore · 06/02/2017 20:12

No-one had yet answered my question - honestly when you are working, how do you manage children being sick (one of mine has just been off school for a week), school holidays, INSET days, school meetings, appointments?

  1. Sick children - my partner and I negotiate with each other who'll stay off. For a planned op we shared the recovery time. We can work at home
  2. School holidays- we book summer club. Full day, and mon- fri
3 inset days and meetings we share and negotiate who'll stay off. If a meeting requires two parents we book childcare 4 Appts we plan who'll go.negotiate who's free 5 you didn't ask about the unexpected calls. We know daily which one of us will respond if we get the call
GetAHaircutCarl · 06/02/2017 20:12

For stealth

I wore my coat, with golden ( retriever) lining
Bright colours shining, wonderful and new

All together now...

Writerwannabe83 · 06/02/2017 20:15

Are there any SAHMs of school agedcDCs who don't have lovely clean houses and who don't cook every day to provide nutritious meals?

I imagine if I was a SAHM of school aged DC I'd spend my days on the sofa watching TV and surfing mumsnet all day Grin

mambono5 · 06/02/2017 20:18

honestly when you are working, how do you manage children being sick (one of mine has just been off school for a week), school holidays, INSET days, school meetings, appointments?

easy: work from home, mother in law, sil, SAH friends for the odd days.

Kids spend at least most of the school holidays with one of my sisters or parents ( a week here, a week there). They always have some friends for a couple of weeks here in the summer, I take a week off, then my husband take a week off. Basically, we just swap kids.

I am thinking about getting an au-pair when they are older.

If I wasn't married, I would not be able to do the same job at all. I don't earn enough for a full-time nanny, and I work too far from home to cope without one (or without help), and have too little holidays on my own to cope with the kids constant days off. The other option is boarding school, which a few friends are doing, but my kids love their own space. I don't think it would work.

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