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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell dsd she has to move out?

457 replies

Gem90 · 04/02/2017 23:49

She is 19, refuses to apply for jobs, doesn't want to go to college and is just generally rude and spiteful to me, dh and my younger ds with dh.
Today was the last straw, she came home drunk this morning at 3am, banging about the kitchen making food, waking us all. This morning I told her she has a month to find somewhere else to stay. She started shouting then crying saying she would change, she would start paying rent out of her jobseekers bla bla bla, but I'm done. I told dh she has a month to go or I will and he agrees she needs to live in the real world and realise how good she has had it all these years.

OP posts:
Aderyn2016 · 05/02/2017 10:57

Not every lazy arse teenager has a mental health problem.

Boulshired · 05/02/2017 11:04

I had a young plasterer doing some work in my home, he had much the same set up. But for him they both made him feel that they wished he was in the other home, this may of just been his interpretation or maybe too many times of the threat of you can live with mum/dad. He was open that he was shit and the best thing they did was chuck him out as he had to turn his life around. But and the big but he is adamant he will never speak to his parents again (seven years to date). For him there was no acknowledgement from both his parents that their action led to lack of self esteem. It was sad to hear and sad that his parents do not get to see the person he became.

RebelRogue · 05/02/2017 11:04

Aren't most teens lazy and rude? Do they all have mental health problems? Fucks sake.

Silentplikebath · 05/02/2017 11:09

Op, YADNBU.

The op has given her DSD a month to sort herself out. She is not going to be homeless as she has the choice of three places to live. Hopefully, she will decide to grow up, get a job and start being nicer to live with. If she moves in with her boyfriend's family she will either behave nicely towards them or they will throw her out pretty quickly!

ShowMePotatoSalad · 05/02/2017 11:12

If OP does ask her to leave, it's up to her parents to sort something out for her if they feel the need. But both her DH and his ex wife totally agree with her.

To the people who think OP is unreasonable, surely it's her parents who are the unreasonable ones, not her. Would you take on full responsibility (and wrongdoing) for another person's 19 year old, when both parents are still around? I highly doubt it.

FrancisCrawford · 05/02/2017 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/02/2017 11:16

To those saying that the OP is being unreasonable, could you supply some workable strategies for the situation?

The OP is already cooking, cleaning, looking for jobs, getting the DSD up in the mornings and putting up with abuse for her efforts. So what is the answer?

Badcat666 · 05/02/2017 11:16

Its not up to the parents to sort something out for her, she's a fucking grown up!

Jesus, when did it become the parents problems to sort their adult children's life out?

She's 19!!! An adult. She should sort her own life out.

SuperFlyHigh · 05/02/2017 11:30

Well, when I was 17 (after leaving school) I'd had an awful education and didn't fancy college so my nana advised me to go to an employment agency and I got an job - which I did for the next 2.5 years until I went to college and did a 2 year course. Apart from a spell living away from home at 19 I didn't move out properly but I did when I was 21 and got engaged. When it went tits up I moved home for 3-6 months and then moved out again and never moved back!

I agree with others though, there should be talk about courses, jobs, encouragement etc before an ultimatum and especially at 19!

The other two 17/18 year olds I knew well who left home at that time, one left an alcoholic father household and ran away to Ireland with her boyfriend, the other got pregnant at 18 to avoid being a carer for her DM. Not ideal! Both had no plans in the way of jobs apart from shop or bar work. The pregnant one had little or no guidance from her DM re college/work etc but is studying for a degree now (final year) and is settled.

I do think ground rules should be in place re when the DSD goes out and comes home, being quiet etc...and general rules re manners and money and behaviour. If those were broken after a period of time I would be tempted to issue an ultimatum.

echt · 05/02/2017 11:32

I agree with others though, there should be talk about courses, jobs, encouragement etc before an ultimatum and especially at 19!

FFS have you read the OP's OP?

She's done all that, with knobs on.

NotMyPenguin · 05/02/2017 11:33

I would give her three months to sort herself out or else move. Lay down your expectations very clearly: that she will actively apply for jobs and go to interviews, that she'll contribute a small amount of money from her JSA as a token 'rent', that she'll pull her weight in the household. Tell her at the end of each month whether she has been meeting those expectations. If she isn't, she'll know she's expected to move out.

A month is an awfully short time and it will, as you say, end up with her moving in with her boyfriend (who doesn't sound like a very good influence). Within three months she might either make a change or find some other options.

SuperFlyHigh · 05/02/2017 11:35

Given the other posts (yes just Read the thread) I think DSD should move in with her DM for a while yes.

midsummabreak · 05/02/2017 11:36

Not every lazy arse teenager has a mental health problem.

The refusing to apply for employment/opting out of study and rude and spiteful behaviour of the 19 year old young woman is likely due to deeper issues. Rather than label the person 'lazyarse' teenager and close the chapter on her , why not look at her as a person who is obviously acting out and consider what is behind this person's 'lazyarse' behaviour?

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 05/02/2017 11:37

She's had to cope with divorced parents, moving homes, a step mum barely older than she is and a new sibling who likely is the new apple of the household. Is it any wonder she is rebelling? I can't imagine having a step mother barely older than myself issuing orders and telling me how I should live my life.

Her parents need to talk to her and guide her not you.

NotMyPenguin · 05/02/2017 11:38

Just thinking about this again, she sounds demotivated and directionless -- as if she's lost her way a bit. Is there anyone neutral who she could talk to about what she might like to get out of life and how she could achieve it?

SuperFlyHigh · 05/02/2017 11:40

echt I had read that... However her OP doesn't say that, it just says "refuses to apply for jobs or go to college".

if I remember myself at 17 onwards I had little choice of decisions about where I wanted to work apart from no shop work and I could type and knew how an office ran so office work was what I was offered as I didn't fancy college.

There are jobs and jobs. I'm looking to change job right now myself and looking on Reed.com website the amount of applications for jobs I'm certainly qualified for, is enough to put anyone off! (It hasn't put me off!).

ShowMePotatoSalad · 05/02/2017 11:42

Rainbows that is what the OP is doing - by telling her to move out she's rescinding the responsibility of her. AS it is the OP's home legally then she won't be leaving and neither will her son who is presumably under 18 and also needs a stable home environment.

This girl won't be homeless unless her parents make her so - her mother can take her back in. Or dad can find another place to live and can take his daughter with him.

Yes, it's hard coming from a family whose parents have divorced but that doesn't give her the right to behave like this. She may well be lashing out but it needs sorting. It's been going on for more than 2 years.

OP has done enough now. Time for the parents to take this on.

SuperFlyHigh · 05/02/2017 11:42

NotMyPenguin that was more along my lines of thinking. Careers advisors used to be good, I paid to go and see a specialist career analyst company in Baker Street at 20.

Outside advice or contacts could be good here.

miserablesod · 05/02/2017 11:48

YANBU. Wouldn't we all love to doss about the house all day, getting drunk at weekends and just generally pleasing ourselves, while everyone else ran around after us.

At 19 i had a flat and had buried my child. After working in nurseries since i was 16. Your step-daughter needs to grow up, get back into education or get a job and start acting like an adult. She isn't a child anymore and needs to start taking responsibility for her future.

Californiasoul · 05/02/2017 11:50

You have my sympathies OP. My DSS (19) is just the same. Lies around in bed all day, smokes weed, stats up all night eating and playing PC games. He's on jobseekers too and seems to do fuck all to find a job.

We rent and his dad, my DP is useless. Says there's nothing he can do as he's an adult. Wish we could boot him out too.

StealthPolarBear · 05/02/2017 11:50

I'm not careers services are very good any more either. Would love to hear the opposite

formerbabe · 05/02/2017 11:51

She's had to cope with divorced parents, moving homes, a step mum barely older than she is and a new sibling

Oh for heaven's sake! Plenty of people have had to cope with the same and plenty of people have had to cope with a lot worse.

Californiasoul · 05/02/2017 11:51

He also left his mum's as she was too strict with him apparently. He's having an easy life with us and I really resent it.

tobedo · 05/02/2017 11:53

I think that some of the advice on here is being given by people who have never had a lazy, rude 19 year old ruling the roost.

The theory is great, the reality is somewhat different.

StickyMouse · 05/02/2017 11:56

There are courses for NEETS run by various companies, check out Brightside and BT. There are many many teenagers like her out there, hence these schemes. she needs some values, self respect and motivation. Can you find her a mentor? What does motivate her?

Returning home at 3am and clashing around isn't a heinous crime, I made sandwiches last night when I got home from a party and I am fairly sure that I wasn't quiet.

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