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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell dsd she has to move out?

457 replies

Gem90 · 04/02/2017 23:49

She is 19, refuses to apply for jobs, doesn't want to go to college and is just generally rude and spiteful to me, dh and my younger ds with dh.
Today was the last straw, she came home drunk this morning at 3am, banging about the kitchen making food, waking us all. This morning I told her she has a month to find somewhere else to stay. She started shouting then crying saying she would change, she would start paying rent out of her jobseekers bla bla bla, but I'm done. I told dh she has a month to go or I will and he agrees she needs to live in the real world and realise how good she has had it all these years.

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 05/02/2017 11:59

I'd go one better and tell her to leave tomorrow Smile

ShowMePotatoSalad · 05/02/2017 12:01

Anyone who thinks it's acceptable to let a 19 year old do nothing, have no education or a job, is doing them a massive disservice.

Any future employers will question such a massive gap in their CV.

Madmama10 · 05/02/2017 12:01

You are not being unreasonable to expect an adult to pull their weight pay their way and treat others in the house with respect. As for asking her to leave I fully understand how you feel as I have adult step children. We have had lots of issues and they both now have their own place at age 21 and 26. The youngest has only just started taking responsibility for himself. No matter the problem we have always kept the door open (as long as house rules were followed ) In the end it was their choice to be independent which made them leave. She won't be homeless if she leaves and you could offer a route back on your terms. If you don't keep the door open (with conditions) then I think you a BU but I feel your pain as we have a much better relationship now they have left home.

StealthPolarBear · 05/02/2017 12:02

It's good to know but I suspect many of these schemes vary across the country. It would be nice to think they target areas of high youth unemployment but I worry they are London /se based.

FrancisCrawford · 05/02/2017 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

midsummabreak · 05/02/2017 12:05

My guess is you've done way too much for your dsd over the last two years, perhaps at first as a way to try to become closer as a family?

Perhaps you put your own needs 'on the back burner', and because she feels weird about you being such a martyr she is acting out. Perhaps her Mum and Dad have not expected much in the way of helping with the chores as a way to feel better about the guilt of breaking up and starting new family? Maybe dsd feels as if there are favourites in the family, and 2 year old dd is often getting more of the love?

SuperFlyHigh · 05/02/2017 12:08

Francis realistically 2 years in a teenagers life isn't a long time and a few have or haven't got their shit together by this age.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 05/02/2017 12:10

But a 2 year old does need more attention than a 19 year old. That's how it would work in any family situation.

It's not a case of playing favourites, it's just life.

You can't spend all your days pandering to a grown woman in case she feels hurt that the toddler is getting more love than her. That's just crazy. In fact it would make her worse. She's got to realise that actually her needs at the point are secondary to a very small child's.

FrancisCrawford · 05/02/2017 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

midsummabreak · 05/02/2017 12:27

This girl has stagnated and failed to anything with herself since leaving school. She wants others to have responsibility for ensuring she doesn't have to do anything except enjoy herself.

Yes but why

She's acting out for a reason, and of course it is not working for her well, and leading to an even more shit life further down the track. It is understandable her Dad, her Mum and stepmum have had enough. But maybe the dynamics were shit without any one meaning it, and maybe dsd now realises she messed up, and doesn't need to be kicked out to realise this. As others have said, someone for her to talk to, who is neutral and not emotionally embroiled in the family, or a counsellor may be all she needs.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/02/2017 12:32

I totally agree with op, she sounds lazy and can't be arsed, this person is an adult not a child and needs to pull her weight, op has been trying since she was 17, and I am not surprised she is at the end. I can see another 10+ years of this if nothing is done. Her dad needs to be more involved, he sounds a bit passive, why hasen't he been helping her look for jobs, interviews, and its down to you! How many times have I heard Mumsnetters say, oh at 19/20, I had my own place, had a job and a car!

Btw, her mum would be the same as op! She has been behaving absolutely dreadfully, she is an adult, time to start living in this world!

Aeroflotgirl · 05/02/2017 12:33

Mabey there is nothing wrong, mabey just mabey, she can't be arsed like a lot of people who are still doing this at 29+.

FrancisCrawford · 05/02/2017 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

midsummabreak · 05/02/2017 12:35

I do agree 'ShowmepotatoSalad', it is just life, but maybe dsd has much growing up to do, and has been feeling sorry for herself/blaming others. I'm wondering this as she appears to show some recognition of being at fault when she cried and said she'd turn things around and start contributing money when Op and her DH told her they'd had enough.

Chelazla · 05/02/2017 12:35

Op you help her get interviews pay for her ect. But are you nice to her? Do you give her encouragement, praise her, build her self esteem, tell her you love her. Or has it been two years of you and dh basically letting her know she isn't good enough. I'm genuinely interested as I think it's no good financially providing for a kid which at 17 she was if you don't emotionally.

midsummabreak · 05/02/2017 12:42

She's been very patient and now she's had enough, which is totally understandable. Maybe Op was in a very difficult position and ended up being too patient and running around doing too much for dsd, as DH never put firm boundaries in place. It really comes back to DH and he needs to recognise he has not expected enough of his daughter, in allowing her to be spiteful to his wife, and not making consequences such as removal of internet/phone/extras such as haircuts/clothes/entertainment

I agree the behaviour is horrible from dsd and I agree it has to change.

SuperFlyHigh · 05/02/2017 12:44

I agree with Midsumma and wonder if what Chelazla says has a ring of truth to it.

My own nana (mum's mum) had her DM die when she was 14. She was sent away to stay with relatives and on her return her DF has remarried a woman only a few years older than herself, who was rude and ruled the roost from the start. Luckily her DF had paid for courses etc for her to enable her to start a career, but could see there could be tensions between DSM and nana and nana moved out to avoid confrontation (with help of DF) but it certainly wouldn't have been quite the same if her DM had been alive.

SuperFlyHigh · 05/02/2017 12:45

midsumma your last post is spot on.

midsummabreak · 05/02/2017 12:53

Mabey there is nothing wrong, mabey just mabey, she can't be arsed like a lot of people who are still doing this at 29+.

Yes there are people like that, I get what you mean, and they are never going to change, I know one in my family.
But it is possible the dsd is not one of those and is feeling some remorse/wanting to prove to Op and her dad she can change- she said that to them.
I hope things do work out Gem, and you can feel more supported by your DH as well as your DH starts getting his daughter some help and counselling to change xxoo

harshbuttrue1980 · 05/02/2017 12:58

Can't you try a middle ground? I've got no time at all for scrounging adults. However, forcing her to live with a man just to keep a roof over her head isn't right either - she's only 19, and they may well break up. Let her live with you, but make her pay for all her own food out of her dole money, as well as a contribution towards bills. Out of her £70 a week, it would be fair to take around £40. When she can no longer afford a phone, to go out, nice clothes etc, she will probably decide to get a job.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/02/2017 13:01

harsh I totally agree with that! I wod get a ℅ from her dole money for food and rent, if she has not got enough for phone, going out, tough that will probably be the kick she needs up the arse!

Soubriquet · 05/02/2017 13:04

But she isn't being forced to live with her bf...

Her mother is happy to have her home..but the daughter refuses to go because she still has to look for work!

formerbabe · 05/02/2017 13:06

However, forcing her to live with a man just to keep a roof over her head isn't right either

It's not forcing her to live with a man when the alternative is simply to stay put but look for a job!

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 05/02/2017 13:07

Harsh has given an excellent suggestion.
I too suspect it's less about playing up for a reason & more like she's got away with doing fuck all for too long & actually quite likes it.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/02/2017 13:10

Btw she is not being g forced to live with her boyfriend, she could live with her mother, op has said her mother would have her live with her, but she has the same stance as the op, she wod not be allowed to doss about, whereas boyfriends parents would allow.