To tell dsd she has to move out?

[Gem90]

She is 19, refuses to apply for jobs, doesn't want to go to college and is just generally rude and spiteful to me, dh and my younger ds with dh.
Today was the last straw, she came home drunk this morning at 3am, banging about the kitchen making food, waking us all. This morning I told her she has a month to find somewhere else to stay. She started shouting then crying saying she would change, she would start paying rent out of her jobseekers bla bla bla, but I'm done. I told dh she has a month to go or I will and he agrees she needs to live in the real world and realise how good she has had it all these years.

my dn left school at 16 and it took until she was 21 to find a job. After 5 years of trying she found 2 parttime jobs in the space of a week and since having work experience on her cv has managed to find better jobs. It is tough for teenagers to find jobs when there are more mature young adults looking too. between 16 and 21, on the face of it she was a ungrateful teenage nightmare, well beyond the troubles your dsd has. in reality she had low self esteem and little confidence. her dm would have never considered chucking her out.

your dsd must be applying for jobs or she would not be getting jsa. it does sound heartless throwing her out when she is only 19. she still needs support at this age. I think you need to seriously consider whether you would do this to your own dc at 19 when the time comes?

to be honest, this is the age when it is the hardest to be a parent and it sounds like you and your dh don't want to step up to the plate.

At 19 as long as she is nice to other family members/helps out with household chores, I do not see why she should be in education/work

Erm... Because being polite and cleaning up after yourself is what you would expect of a child, not an adult?

At 19 as long as she is nice to other family members/helps out with household chores, I do not see why she should be in education/work

I despair if this is how society is going.

Will you do this if it was your child?

Don't get me wrong. I have my own 18-year old who is rude, lazy etc etc, so I totally get that you are fed up. But please, take a deep breath and think about it. If her own family doesn't give her support when she needs it, who will?

I was strict in my thinking about my teen. I pushed her to do more and was quite unforgiving (by constantly nagging). Then I had episodes with my parents (they betrayed me) and realised that the most important thing in this world is to have the support of your family. If they withdraw it, you are lost, lonely and sad. Even as a grown up. Imagine how this will feel for a teenager. I turned 180 degrees in my thinking. These experiences made me much softer towards my own teenager. I basically accepted her as she is and decided to support her for as long as it takes. I don't want her to suffer from her parents as I suffered from mine.

Family relationships can be very difficult and you may regret your decision in the long run if your step daughter is pushed into something which wouldn't have happened if she was at home.

Please think about it some more. Discuss with her father too, obviously.

And people object to the snowflake term. She is the epitome.

I wouldn't hesitate to do this to DSS1 OR DS2.

Sounds like the DSD has had the carrot of being led to interviews and given chances to change her ways, now she must have the stick of not having her behaviour enabled at home any longer.

It may be Draconian, but I can't see anything else being effective. If she can't/wont change her ways, then she can continue her behaviour elsewhere.

I don't think you are being harsh at all. My parents kicked me out at 19 for much the same reasons (although I had only been out of work 2 months). It was the wake up call I needed to get my life together and now, 5 years on, with my own house and career I can say that everything I have I worked for and they're proud of me.
I think getting away with that behaviour at 19 will only get worse as she thinks that it is acceptable until you put a stop to it!

Of course she needs a job but love and support too. Telling her to leave is not just unreasonable it's disgraceful - perhaps you should go.

Throwing her out is heartless, am guessing it's because she's not your own child that this is a way to get her out.

Where is her dad in all this? He should be sorting and certainly not allowing her to be thrown out.

Yanbu OP

She's a lazy selfish little shit who is relying on the world to give her a break

And from this thread plenty of people would

She's 19! She's old enough to get married and have babies

She wont be homeless. She has 2 places she can go. She just likes her easy ride.

Stay firm

My nan has her over 50 year old son living with her!! A methdone taking, weed smoking arsehole who pays £35 a week but expects everything handed to him on a platter. Refuses to get a job as "nothing is available" and verbally abuses my nan becauses she's so broke she can't pay for enough food for both of them.

She won't kick him out because "he's her son" but he needs a good kick up the arse

Gem, YANBU.
Ds1 is 20 and in fulltime education. At one point last year, he was talking about dropping out. I made it clear that no matter what his lazy friends thought, no-one in my house was going to lounge around doing nothing. He stayed in uni!
Your dsd needs a wake-up call or this behaviour will continue indefinitely.

Well it only took a few minutes of checking to discover that the OP is 26 and not in a good place herself, which puts a slightly different slant on things. The family cannot afford this young woman's lifestyle and she is massively taking the piss. She really should be living with her mother.

I have a cousin who is remarkably similar. It was always so difficult getting a job etc. She lazed around at home then moved in with her boyfriend. He works fulltime, she 'looks for jobs' and complains on social media about how unfair life is. She does not do much by way of housework, cooking etc. She complains how job seekers make her prove she has been looking for work.

Last week she was offered a job. But it was waitressing in a cafe and she turned it down because she wanted to 'look for something more suitable'

She's just turned 32.

Well done OP, when DSD turns out to be a good working society contributor she will have you to thank!

Or she might get pregnant, get a council property, and live off benefits.

But least you can say you tried? She's acting shockingly now! How can she afford to smoke/drink with no job!

Ok, lets look at it from the perspective of the child.
I lived away from my parents since I was 14 and supporting myself from day 1 after finishing school at 18. Been working my myself silly ever since (think single parent, two/three jobs on the go, studying in 'free' time and sleeping about 4 hour a day for 10 years). I did get very little sporadic support from my parents in the form of childcare (mainly due to geographical reasons) but in general, have been on my own. I have provided some financial support to my parents when asked (and I was very willing and happy to do so). 23 years later, I am burnt out. I wish I had allowed myself to rely more on my parents. Like my sister did. I really do. I am very very proud of myself for goding it alone and doing reasonably well (no debts, not relying on anyone and not putting up with a man, for example, for financial reasons). But honestly, I wish I had relaxed a bit more and allowed myself to take better care of me. Now I feel like I am a ruin and to top it up, both my parents betrayed me when I needed their help the most a few years back - when I asked for it. Now, having a very very difficult teenager, been through loads with her. I have come to the realisation that I must support her no matter what. Basically because I want her to suffer less in life than I did. There is a whole lifetime in front of her, when she will have the chance to work and taste reality.

Just read that the OP doesn't work and the DH has to work two jobs to cover the household. So the OP wants him to throw his own child out for not working or contributing when doing exactly the same.

Why is it only down to her mum to provide for her, she did for the bulk of her childhood so it's not too much for dad to do his bit whilst she finds her way in the world.

Rules and boundaries need to be in place but you don't throw children out as they are not paying enough to stay in their family home.

The OP is a sahm bringing up her and her DH's child, how is that the same as not contributing?

I'm not suprised the OP has enough, its hard living like this with a teen/adult. But I do think there is a problem in society at the moment for teens. Its probably always existed but appears more apparent now.
There is huge pressure on them for exams at 16 and 18. Everything is guided towards success in these exams, and after 18 what, university? A massive life change for a lot of kids, especially those who arent rich, and arent poor enough to get loans, so have work and university to contend with. And for those who cant get to uni or get a job, they are left in the abyss of no easily attainable jobs or money and are in effect in limbo...its a scarey time....they are children who must pass exams until spring summer, when they are now thrown into the reality of get a job or study more....there is little transition for them. I really think some form of class at schools until September when they leave, to help transition into adult world is the answer..

No one is throwing her out because she isn't paying enough. They are throeing her out because she is disrespectful and abuses their house rules.

If the OP is a sahp, that is a matter for her and her dh - it doesn't follow that adult dc have the indefinite right to sit on their arse all day watching netflix, while being rude to the OP (whose house it is).

stressym

This is her stepparent not her mother or her father. They aren't providing her with the adequate guidance needed. So OP as stepmum has stepped up (excuse the pun) to actually try to get this girl to do something with her life.

It's OP's home - she's going nowhere. And neither is her son who is an actual child, and shouldn't have to leave his home for the sake of a grown woman not doing what she should be doing.

Seriously, it's disgraceful that you think OP should leave her own home over this. Her stepdaughter is 19 years old and she has choices - attend interviews, don't wake everyone up (including a child) at 3 in the morning, be respectful. Those are literally the only things being asked of this person, by someone who has taken on a lot of responsibility to help her.

All she's doing is trying to help her, and this has been going on for 2 years already.

JFC.

Flabbergasted how no one gives a crap about OP's younger child who actually needs a stable home environment and doesn't need waking up at 3am by a drunk 19 year old.

Is it because second-family children aren't deemed as important as first-family children? That's the impression I'm getting here. Some posters want OP to move out of her own home, when in all likelihood that would mean taking her child with her. So younger one loses HIS home over this.

Some disgraceful attitudes on here.

Firstly, would you kick your own child out in the same circumstances?

Secondly, she's 19, has no skills, experience or ability. She's done sod all for two years. She is demonstrating clear signs of mental illness - the rudeness, "laziness", "spite" - classic signs that she has a mental health problem. You say you've tried to help her - get her interviews blah blah blah - but if that "help" hasn't helped her, you need to try a different route.

I don't think kicking her out will, in itself, solve her problems. She needs professional help too - from a career perspective and from a medical perspective.

19-year-olds are legally adults, but they are not universally mature enough to be considered adults. If you kick her out now, you are accepting that you and your partner want no kind of relationship with her in the future. You might be fine with that, no matter how heartless it sounds. But she will remember your "betrayal" - that's how she will see it - and in a few years, when she's grown up, the bad memories of life with you, how you treated her at such a vulnerable moment, these things will stay with her.

You have an opportunity to cut your ties with her. Only you know whether you can live with that - from your comments, I suspect I know the answer.

YANBU. You've tried to help her, she's got other options and places to go, you're not kicking her out on the streets after making no effort to give her practical help. I don't blame you at all for reaching the end of your tether.

The "step" child part of the story is irrelevant in my opinion. I certainly wouldn't put up with my own dc refusing to look for work, turn up to interviews or remain in some sort of education or training. I'm amazed so many on this thread are saying they would put up with that if it was their DC. No fucking way.