To tell dsd she has to move out?

[Gem90]

She is 19, refuses to apply for jobs, doesn't want to go to college and is just generally rude and spiteful to me, dh and my younger ds with dh.
Today was the last straw, she came home drunk this morning at 3am, banging about the kitchen making food, waking us all. This morning I told her she has a month to find somewhere else to stay. She started shouting then crying saying she would change, she would start paying rent out of her jobseekers bla bla bla, but I'm done. I told dh she has a month to go or I will and he agrees she needs to live in the real world and realise how good she has had it all these years.

NU at all, OP. She's blinking 19, an adult. She needs to start acting like one. You've been trying to help her for 2 years, it's clearly not working. I think giving her only one month to find a place to live is a bit harsh, but otherwiseI don't see the issue.

My DM pandered to my DB until he was 30 and it was a nightmare, for both of them. The stress and financial burden on her, and the shame and lack of life skills for him (not to mention a CV full of holes and being constantly skint himself). I told her to kick him out 100x but she couldn't do that to her own child, blah blah. When he finally left, it was the making of him - he's a changed man.

Give your DSD 3 months to go, but mean it. Of course help her if she seeks help, but you can't do it for her.

I'm nice and kind and do the housework- do you think the bank will let me off with paying the mortgage??

Some of these responses are really dreadful.

The OP has already said that she and her DH spoke to the DSD this morning. AND HER DH for the hard of reading. So that'll be the DSD's father then.

santastipsyhelper thanks that went right over my head last night
Shall blame the wine

But whatever he and his ex are doing it hasn't worked for the last two years

She is a destructive and lazy girl who needs to wake up and taste the real world,
Tough love works - stick to your guns and with luck, she will wake up and smell the coffee.
If you back down, she will continue to manipulate you and everyone in your house. She is an adult and if she doesn't start making changes now, 10 yrs down the line she will still be blaming everyone for the mess she made of her life: loads of people still do that even when in their 40s.

Good luck with that & keep strong.

At 19 as long as she is nice to other family members/helps out with household chores, I do not see why she should be in education/work.

I completely disagree. I don't actually think it's reasonable for anyone (the elderly excluded) to not be either working or in education (and by working I also include a SAHP, obviously). Unless unable to work through illness or disability.

Agree aye. People should be doing something with their lives.

I think you're right. I wonder whether to,try and continue to support you could sit down and be explicit about what contributing to the household and acceptable behaviour looks like. Specific amounts of money, chores, timekeeping, behaviour. It allows opportunity for achievement against set criteria rather than a 19 year olds view of norms. I always think that it's an extra complication of split families that the children can play off and manipulate one parent against the other and threaten to leave one for the other.

Has she ever had a job!? Perhaps she's scared she can't do it!? Sounds like she needs a change oif boyfriend to be honest! I think her mum and dad need to step up here and get her on the right pathway before she's ruined her chances in life. If you're making decisions as step mum then they've clearly buried their head in the sand - tell her parents to guide her now before it's too late

Jesus, it never even occurred to me at 16 never mind 19 - that just not having a job or going to college (doing something) was even an option.

When did this become a thing?

In fairness I suspect it became a thing as jobs got scarcer and scarcer.

I can completely see your POV op. It's disrespectful and yes she's still a young adult but she is an adult. She needs to buck her ideas up and it doesn't sound like much else is working. I moved out at 17 and managed. You may be best helping her find a place though and teaching her about utility bills etc. It may seem harsh but she does need to grow up at some point!

God jobs aren't that scarce, why can't she get a supermarket job etc.
There's always work if you bother to look. She clearly isn't cause she's being allowed to sit and mooch all day.

Just give her the ultimatum op. 2 years is long enough, I've been in employment since I was 12 there's really no excuse

I am not excusing her, I do agree she needs to do something. But the youngest age group have been he hardest hit.

I know someone like this and underneath all the rudeness and bravado was a crushing lack of self confidence , hence no job. Chucking her out did not work , she got in with the wrong crowd and turned against her parents even more. What did help was a course with the Princes Trust. It helped her with cv and interviews and community service. It literally turned her life around and the young lovely girl that was always there appeared again.

But she's not even turning up for interviews.

YANBU. She has a lot of options.
Get a job,
behave in a civilised manner,
move into a bedsit,
live with her mother.
Get a job is non-negotiable

I agree self confidence could be an issue. Voluntary work could help with that and at least have her doing something.

There will be local groups that can help your dsd during this time, they usually are available to prevent homelessness, young people not in work etc. I've posted a link for a local one here in the West Country but there will be similar initiatives near you. At least then she will have some help and maybe able to find the right path because I'm not sure that without any input this is going to have a successful outcome. I do hope things work out for her, whilst I sense your frustration, she's not in a good place either.
www.offtherecord-banes.co.uk/

Good point potato

She has had interviews, arranged by the OP and not bothered to turn up. So while it is true that jobs are harder to come by these days, if she doesn't make any effort, she definitely won't get one. Everyone is scared when they start their first job but an employer will be more understanding ehen you are a teenager than when you are in your 20s and have never done a say's work.
Her parents have both failed her. Her step mum has tried to parent (not that she'll get much acknowledgement here) but there does come a time when a tough stance is sometimes necessary.

TBH I don't know why OP is getting a bad time because she's the step mother I would be as equally annoyed if my own DC didn't contribute to the household and didn't work after a certain age and had no moviation or desire to do so. I would be giving them conditions. She isn't going to be homeless she can return to her mothers or to her boyfriends when your a young adult you have to learn to leave within the household rules. Op and her dp should not be used as a doormat and I don't think they should be made to feel guilty over it. There's other family members to consider.

showme yy that's absolutely how it feels sometimes.