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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell dsd she has to move out?

457 replies

Gem90 · 04/02/2017 23:49

She is 19, refuses to apply for jobs, doesn't want to go to college and is just generally rude and spiteful to me, dh and my younger ds with dh.
Today was the last straw, she came home drunk this morning at 3am, banging about the kitchen making food, waking us all. This morning I told her she has a month to find somewhere else to stay. She started shouting then crying saying she would change, she would start paying rent out of her jobseekers bla bla bla, but I'm done. I told dh she has a month to go or I will and he agrees she needs to live in the real world and realise how good she has had it all these years.

OP posts:
Willow2016 · 05/02/2017 15:04

People seem to be missing the fact that the girls father and mother BOTH agree with Gem that she has to get into work or stufy and not be abusive and laze around amusing herself all day/night.

It doesnt matter if she is 26 or 36 the house is hers and she has a right to say what goes on in it and that includes NOT BEING ABUSED and taken for a mug .

I have seen loads of posts of 'birth' mothers/fathers with the same problems and the advice has been the same as most of us on here, make them stand on their own two feet and wake up and smell the coffee, dont take the abuse, its your house your rules etc. Why the frick is it any different just because she is a dsd? The world doesnt owe her a favour whether she is a dd or a dsd.

Being a dsd doesnt give her the right to abuse the op, her dad or her siblings.

Badcat666 · 05/02/2017 15:07

Oh borrowedheart, it's called "life", that is what happens. Once you are 16 you either go for further education or get a job to pay your way in life.

Unless mummy and daddy can pay for your spoilt lifestyle.

I'm pretty sure the 19yr old had plenty of time to "unwind" after school, it's not like the OP and her DH were sending her down a sodding mine after school.

The DSD has had 2 years sitting on her arse and doing the hell what she wants to do. Get a grip.

Baffledonthisone · 05/02/2017 15:07

What happened between 15 and now? Did op think she would 'save' the dsd, or did something like dad setting up with a girl 3 years older than the one we are now so protective of set her off?

I don't think dsd should be left to her own devices but as more information comes known I do feel more for the dsd than I did initially.

If a 22yo had waded into my life at FIFTEEN YEARS OLD and tried to be my mother, I'd have some issues too.

Willow2016 · 05/02/2017 15:08

BorrowedHear

FFS RTFT!

She can go to her mothers house, she is welcome there but her mother has exactly the same rules as OP and her dad - she get into study or gets a job. She wont have her dossing around all day smoking and drinking and spending all her money on herself going out either.

Its not going to ruin her life at all she can go to her mums OR her boyfriend. So she has 3 places she can chose from, hardly a ruined life.

Iulia68 · 05/02/2017 15:09

Very well said Willow2016 !

ilovewelshrarebit123 · 05/02/2017 15:09

YANBU just don't get why some teenagers think everything should be handed to them.

I'm 47, when I left school at 16 there was no doubt that I either had to go to college or get a job.

I don't even think it was discussed, leaving school = further education or work.

I think if you've made the rules very clear and she won't play by them, then you have to follow through.

RebelRogue · 05/02/2017 15:10

Baffled how do you feel about the fact that DSD's mother mother(th one with all the stripes) feels exactly like op? That she would gladly have DSD in her house,as long as she steps up,but DSD refuses to.

Baffledonthisone · 05/02/2017 15:12

I feel like she has the right to make such an assertion and it's a pity they all didn't think more of the child(ren) when this mess began.

But shouldawouldacoulda here we are. It wasn't a tv programme it was real life and people are getting hurt.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 05/02/2017 15:15

OP has the right to say who lives in the home she legally owns. Yes or no?

RebelRogue · 05/02/2017 15:15

Baffled do you only read what you want to? Dsd WANTED to live with her dad and OP when she was 15. She chose that. No one has set up house after she was there already.
She was supported and raised by them until she was 17, at which point she was told education or a job. Two years on,she still does neither and on top is rude,disrespectful and abusive to the other people in the house. The people she chose to go live with.

Willow2016 · 05/02/2017 15:15

When I left school I had a while to wait until I started nurse training. I thought it would be great to sit at home all day and because of my 'teenage' idialistic views thought that claiming 'dole' was not cool.

Parents soon put me right on that! After explaining about bills, food costs, what income they had etc I realised that they couldnt afford to keep me for free! I did a variety of jobs including washing new cars in a garage and serving petrol until I got a 'training' job which was relevant to nursing, paying a pittance a week, some of which I gave to mum as dig money. Made me realise the value of money and that if I wanted something I had to work and save for it, made me feel much better about myself too.

Baffledonthisone · 05/02/2017 15:15

Correct. She has that legal right.

Willow2016 · 05/02/2017 15:19

I feel like she has the right to make such an assertion and it's a pity they all didn't think more of the child(ren) when this mess began.

But shouldawouldacoulda here we are. It wasn't a tv programme it was real life and people are getting hurt.

What fucking mess?

She CHOSE to live with them!
She CHOSE not to go to interviews, not to job search, not to do anything in the house.
She CHOSE to spend all her money on herself
SHe CHOSE to be abusive to op, dh and siblings.

Nobody made any mess for her, she made it all herself by being bloody selfish.
Only people getting hurt are op, her oh and her child. Dsd is doing exactly as she frigging pleases and not giving a damm how it affects anyone else.

Baffledonthisone · 05/02/2017 15:20

She didn't choose for her parents to split.
She didn't choose a step mother young enough to be her sister.

Willow2016 · 05/02/2017 15:21

Baffled
I think you are being deliberately obtuse to rile people up.

You are only reading what you think is there as it makes op out to be the 'bad guy' and you seem to be loving that.

Aderyn2016 · 05/02/2017 15:23

But she did choose to live with said step mother. The parent's divorce is something that they decided. It doesn't mean the OP has to put up with being treated like shit indefinitely because of it.
There comes a time when you have to accept that yes, your parents may have been a bit crap but as an adult you are kaster of your own destiny and cannot blame them forever for your own fuck ups.

Badcat666 · 05/02/2017 15:24

Bur she has chosen not to take any help the OP has given her and has chosen to sit on her arse for 2 years and chosen to spend all her JSA on herself.

What if her parents were arguing all the time? You think that's better for the kids?

No it isn't and I can say that from personal experience.

Parents get divorced and remarried all the time and not all their children turn into sponging selfish dicks.

BonnyScotland · 05/02/2017 15:25

I think the OP has been more than accommodating... Well done x

BorrowedHeart · 05/02/2017 15:26

She hasn't had two years to diss about, did you not read where the op said she has made her look for jobs etc since she left school, where is the downtime?

ShowMePotatoSalad · 05/02/2017 15:27

The problems arise when divorced parents overcompensate and wrap their children in cotton wool to try to avoid them being upset by anything. Maybe that's what's happened here. It doesn't mean OP or her young son should have to just live with it.

BorrowedHeart · 05/02/2017 15:27

Why do people have kids, just to put a time limit on them and be cruel once they hit sixteen :( yet in the eyes of the law they are not adults until 21, such a sad world we live in :(

Baffledonthisone · 05/02/2017 15:28

These are all fair points - it's just easy to see black and white in a computer screen and there are lots of shades of grey. The time has come for something, even if it is time for her to leave.

I just think it's not so black and white.

BorrowedHeart · 05/02/2017 15:28

I know she can go to her mothers house, however it's under the same strict rules that are in place where she is now. How exactly does that help?

Baffledonthisone · 05/02/2017 15:29

BorrowedHeart There are no strict rules at op house. Dsd is walking all over them.

formerbabe · 05/02/2017 15:29

I know she can go to her mothers house, however it's under the same strict rules that are in place where she is now

I don't think being told to look for a job is a strict rule for a person who is legally an adult.