To tell dsd she has to move out?

[Gem90]

She is 19, refuses to apply for jobs, doesn't want to go to college and is just generally rude and spiteful to me, dh and my younger ds with dh.
Today was the last straw, she came home drunk this morning at 3am, banging about the kitchen making food, waking us all. This morning I told her she has a month to find somewhere else to stay. She started shouting then crying saying she would change, she would start paying rent out of her jobseekers bla bla bla, but I'm done. I told dh she has a month to go or I will and he agrees she needs to live in the real world and realise how good she has had it all these years.

How old are you gem?

And how old was dsd when uou got together with her dad?

Part of me thinks the only reason the OP is getting so much stick is because she is a stepmum. Because the amount of threads I have read on here over the past few years that insist all 16 year olds should work and fund their own lifestyle and pay rent etc (that are a little extreme) it seems unbelievable things have swung the other way and insisting that a 19 yo should be treated like a child!

The op isn't forcing her to move in with her boyfriend. She could move in with her mother. Alternatively, she could realise she's had an easy time of it so far, appreciate all she has been given, apologize profusely and sincerely, pull her socks up and start looking for work. I'm sure if in the next month she really shows hardworking and proactive the OP won't still go ahead - OP is likely at the end of her tether, and if the dsd starts behaving like the adult she is, may be kinder towards her.

No, parenting doesn't end at the age of 18. I've had financial help during my time at uni, and more recently financial help when I was on jobseekers. The difference is I was actually looking for work and trying, being unemployed was a hell not a holiday, and I know without doubt that had I not really been looking that help wouldn't have been there, or at least not so much of it. I am very sure my parents wouldn't have put up with me not looking for work for 2 years! Parenting isn't just mollycoddling though - it is preparing them for the real world too, and letting her stay at home indefinitely doing sweet FA would not be doing that.

As for 'revenge on the part of the adult' - DSD IS(!) an adult. You are an adult from 18. You can join the army, get married, drink alcohol, drive, vote, do many other things at 18 so at 19 you are definitely an adult! Not as mature as a 35 year old perhaps, but certainly not a child.

It's not like the dsd has spent the last two years searching for any job, attending interviews, and just been extremely down on her look. She's not hard done by. She has made no effort to find work, she has taken money she is not entitled to (because if her jsa advisor knew she'd not been going to interviews she would have been sanctioned), she seems to view being unemployed as a holiday and wasted the opportunities she's had for work which is sickening when you think of how many unemployed people get really down because of being unemployed, would give anything for an interview, and she's just wasting them. She's lazy, a layabout and workshy and completely NOT a victim of a 'wicked stepmother'.

God, with the kind of attitude on this thread I wouldn't be surprised if half the posters kids are still sponging off them at 40! You need to instil a work ethic on your children, that isn't done by letting them get away with this kind of shit. And you don't need to be 'horrible' to your kids to give them a work ethic - I was spoilt, never ironed til uni, didn't really have to work for my pocket money etc. But it was made clear to me that I had to work/be looking for work or be in education, as soon as I was an adult. Work ethic doesn't equal being horrible to your children to achieve that, as some posters clearly believe! I am shocked OP that you've let it go on for so long though.

Ok...I'm putting on my amateur psychologist's hat here....

Op...I'm guessing you are fairly young judging by your username, therefore she sees you more as her peer rather than a parent figure.

You say you were a sahm. Do you think she sees her dad providing for you and you not working and thinks "why should I work when she didn't?"

Fwiw, I believe being a sahm is a job..I am one...I'm just wondering if she thinks why should I work if she doesn't? "Why is it ok for dad to be fine with her not working but not with me."

Part of me thinks the only reason the OP is getting so much stick is because she is a stepmum.

I couldn't agree more with this.

In fact I remember a very recent thread in which a 17 year old shouted at his mum and called her a bitch, and several posters said he was abusing her and she should chuck him out.

YABU, you dont stop being a parent just because your children grow up. I can't imagine ever throwing my DD out and forcing her to move in with her BF, what if they split up, would you really make her sleep on a park bench? Why don't you charge her rent and make her staying with you conditional on her being in work.

she needs to live in the real world and realise how good she has had it all these years It called being a teenager, parents are supposed to provide for their children until they are 18.

No she is getting a lot of stick because people have name searched and deduced she isn't overly equipped to execute such a bold move.

Also she said in op she would go if dsd doesn't but she owns the home?

This is all kinds of nonsense. From other posts op is 26 (refers to being 16 as more than ten years ago now) and has a lot going on.

A 26 year old cannot come in and 'mother' a 19 year old. The maths doesn't work. It's a terrible situation and I don't know the solution. I hope it works out well and you find someone more insightful than me to guide you in RL.

Jamie she is 19, so by your own reckoning her parents no longer need to provide for her.

Also she is not her daughter, she is her stepdaughter. She has 2 parents on the scene who agree with the OP.

I don't think you are being unreasonable in principle - no one should be allowed to sit around doing nothing. When I left school I had two choices - college/uni or get a job. In my whole life - from the first time I looked for a job to other times when I have been temporarily out of work through redundancy, it has never taken me more than 3 months to get a job - and that's being generous.

That said, people aren't always mature at 19 and don't make the best life choices. You do not, however, need to put up with the consequences of that. I note how much help you have given this girl in looking for jobs and setting up interviews etc... without much success. It seems to me however there has been little incentive for her to follow through; there is no consequence to her not having a job or going to college etc....

If I were in your position, I wouldn't just tell her to get out in a month, but I WOULD impose deadlines and targets and stick to them. I'd sit her down and tell her she has 3 months to make significant changes/improvements. In that time she has to either find a job and/or get herself enrolled on a college course to demonstrate that she is taking steps to improve herself and her opportunities. If she choses the college route I would encourage her to get a part time job to help support herself and she has to demonstrate consistent attendance and acceptable grades. She also has to contribute around the house - cleaning etc... and demonstrate respect for the house she is in and the other people in it. She must contribute to rent/bills - proportionately to what she's earning. If she's at college then agree a favourable rate with her if she demonstrates commitment, responsibility, maturity and achieves success with her studies. If she is just working then fair enough but she has to contribute. The point being she has to be doing SOMETHING meaningful and gainful and it is non-negotiable. 3 months is plenty time to demonstrate a change in attitude (that is really the priority) and to find a job or identify a suitable course of study she would like to pursue (even if she can't start it until a certain date - she can get enrolled or take the steps to commit to it - distance learning can be started at any time - but it requres a lot of self discipline). She can, during that time demonstrate improvements by helping around the house, being more respectful etc.... etc... a change in attitude is easy to demonstrate.

Agree 3 month targets with her. If she meets them and maintains them, subject to further 3 month reviews - she can stay.

Over time, if she follows the plan - she will mature herself, her self-esteem will build, and it will stop being an issue. If she doesn't meet the targets however, and continues to take the piss, she has to leave and find somewhere else. The point being that you are willing to help and support someone who helps themselves but you will no longer do it for her and the responsibility is on her head. I'd set it out in no uncertain terms... put it in writing if you want - put an actual deadline in place and let her know that if the targets aren't met by that date, she's out the door.

That's just what I'd do - but I see where you're coming from. I've always worked and/or studied; I've been off work sick for the last week and it's driven me mad! I'm so bored. I can't imagine doing nothing.

It called being a teenager, parents are supposed to provide for their children until they are 18.

The ops step daughter is 19.

I can't imagine ever throwing my DD out and forcing her to move in with her BF, what if they split up, would you really make her sleep on a park bench

Or, in the ops case, she could live with either of her parents, but be expected to look for work. Hardly unreasonable.
How long would you go on supporting a grown adult for?

Baffled you've literally just proved that it's about her being a stepmum.

You say it's not about her being a stepmum, then say at 26 she has no right to step in and 'mother' her. There you go. You said it yourself.

It's about her being a young adult trying to assume the role of a mother to another young adult before she has earned her stripes.

You grow as a mother, you don't land in on them when they are almost to adulthood and pull rank.

The title is earned, not given.

Similar to an absent father. They aren't a father father. They are a genetic father.

A late arriving mother is a mother on paper. Not a mother mother.

19 year old need to understand the link between work and food. She needs to pay board.

If she was a grown woman, head screwed on, good example mother then I'd say they time has come.

As it is the water is murky and I can't say how anyone would know what is for the best.

Irrelevant whether you are mother, or housemate. You need to chip in.

In what way has she not earned it? Her own mother won't take her in because of her behaviour. OP has found her jobs and arranged interviews for her that she will not show up to. She's spent 2 years trying to help her and support her, despite her being shown no respect whatsoever. She's actually fulfilling a role as a parent without any form of appreciation or thanks. Being a stepparent, from what I have read on these boards and heard from people in real life, is a totally thankless task. Age is a totally irrelevant point - she could be 45 and people would still think she's a piece of shit because she's the stepmum.

Also if she has no parental responsibility then she is completely and utterly within reason to ask her to leave the home that SHE owns.

On top of this she's a mother to a young DS who is being woken in the middle of the night by the 19 year old. So she has a duty of care to him.

Why do kids have to leave school and go straight into work, so much pressure on them. No enjoyment during school years due to all the pressure, and yet no time to wind down after school. Maybe she is this way because of you. You sound awful and very harsh tbh. Let her live a little, I wish I could have. Job seekers is fuck all money, how much do you expect for rent?

Seriously though, what else does she have to do? She has has dsd live with her from age 15, has tried to help her get work, put up with all sorts of bad behaviour.

I not a step mother but I do have a 19 year old ds at uni. He is a pretty good kid but there have been times when I would have cheerfully helped the little bugger to pack and he is mine - I love him more than I can possibly express. The OP has put up with years of shit from a chold eho isn't even hers. I think she has been remarkably patient.

she is 19, so by your own reckoning her parents no longer need to provide for her Yes but that means she has been sponging off them for a year, not the 'years' that the op wrote.

Also she is not her daughter, she is her stepdaughter If she is only seen as a step daughter then that will affect how she is treated. The families I know with step children think of them and treat them as their children.

She has other parents on the scene
But the father is under pressure to choose between 2 people he loves, that is not fair.

Borrowedheart how long is this relaxation and fun meant to last? This woman has been dossing around for two years now she left school two years ago and hasn't had anything to do no job or responsibilities or anything.

I'm with the op is right. She can go take the piss at her mums if she likes.

Just to add, my mum kicked me out at 18, I ended up sleeping rough, meeting fandoms on the street and staying at their house so I wasn't cold (it was January) no money as depending on where I was sleeping I couldn't get to the job centre to sign on. I ended up eating raped, got in with a bad crowd, started depending on drink and weed (no issues with those that do, but it got bad for me) if that's what you want, then go ahead enjoy ruining someone's life because you are one of the awful mothers that believe your duty stops at 18.

I would expect my 19 year old to get a job or be in education. There's no way I would want them to have a gap in their CV like that - very bad for their future prospects.

OP is treating her like she is her child, which apparently is wrong because she's only 26.

No matter what OP does it's wrong. An awful position to be in.

Borrowed she has family that can take her in. It's very silly to say OP would ruin her life. Ridiculous in fact.