To tell dsd she has to move out?

[Gem90]

She is 19, refuses to apply for jobs, doesn't want to go to college and is just generally rude and spiteful to me, dh and my younger ds with dh.
Today was the last straw, she came home drunk this morning at 3am, banging about the kitchen making food, waking us all. This morning I told her she has a month to find somewhere else to stay. She started shouting then crying saying she would change, she would start paying rent out of her jobseekers bla bla bla, but I'm done. I told dh she has a month to go or I will and he agrees she needs to live in the real world and realise how good she has had it all these years.

If her own family doesn't give her support when she needs it, who will?

How much support does one child need? From reading the posts I can see that over two years the OP and her DH have tried to encourage her to work or study. She has refused to study. She has been given job interviews that she hasn't even bothered turning up to. She has refused to seek work.

She also has a mother who will happily take her in but expects the same level of commitment. Start job seeking or studying.

It isn't like this girl is struggling to find work she has literally turned down interviews due to laziness. You can't go through life with such a take take take attitude. Surely it's not good parenting to let your kids get away with having such a ridiculous attitude.

So yes op step daughter would choose to live with her boyfriend because that's the easy option. With both her parents, she wod need to pull her socks up, take responsibility and get a job.

At 19 as long as she is nice to other family members/helps out with household chores, I do not see why she should be in education/work.

I totes agree.

And in return for my willingness to accommodate such an arrangement, I would except round-the-clock babysitting for younger sibs (in fact I'd cancel any day care arrangements), three course cordon bleu meals freshly prepared each night, all clothes to be handwashed, and a house that is cleaned from top to bottom during the day.

Getting a job would make for a far easier life.

Yes she should be working, as she needs to be self sufficient and be able to pay her rent and bills. Where is the money coming from, the money tree!

YANBU

She is an adult, many of us had a mortgage and responsibilities at that age,

You are not doing her any favours by letting it go on, to those who say she is still young, rubbish she has clearly had lots of support for the last two years in job hunting with your help, interviews lined up etc...you have really tried to help her.

She sounds entitled and rude and you should not have to support a grown adult endlessly.

Yes she should be working, as she needs to be self sufficient and be able to pay her rent and bills. Where is the money coming from, the money tree!

Maybe she's waiting to find a man to pay it all for her as that's the current example she's seeing.

Whilst not ideal that she's not yet found her path, she's not come home pregnant, turned to drugs etc. A parent turning their back on a child isn't helping them grow up, its absolving themselves of the responsibilities of being a parent. She's barely an adult.

While I take your point the house is one thing at least that the op has paid for.

I expect from dd to:
Sort her own snacks/drink.
Put her clothes away,dirty ones in the laundry basket.
Put her own rubbish in the bin,but if she stumbles on a wrapper that's not hers,put that in the bin as well.
Tidy up her stuff.
Be respectful and polite.
Be respectful of other people in the house sleeping/feeling poorly.
Be grateful for everything she gets,as it's a privilege not a right.
Learn to save for things she wants.
Respect hard work.
Help out on big cleans.
Do her school work when asked to,not when she feels like it.(which is never or right before bedtime)

She's 5 for gods sake!!! And here are a lot of people going awww poor 19 yo doing nothing and not going to school or working. Life must be so hard for her.

I completely agree with taking the middle course. Keep her under your roof but insist on a proper contribution towards food and bills. She has to realise that, at her age, there is no such thing as a free lunch and that the real world consists of working for the things you need in life. You really don't want her idleness becoming ingrained, long-term. She seemed genuinely worried about the prospect of leaving - seize this opportunity to turn things around. Sit her down, explain why the present situation cannot be allowed to continue for everyone's sake and put some firm rules in place.

Rebel you are a good and loving parent who wants the best for her kids.

Some people will settle for less so long as they don't have to take on any responsibility for teaching their kids the things your 5 year old can now do. It's a shame but it's a very prevalent issue.

Rainbow so being a SAHM is setting the 19 yo a bad example?! Seeing a SAHM will show her that it's not an easy job nor is it a way of doing nothing and having a man pay for everything. I'm not a SAHM but I respect the hard work and contribution they make to their families. I can't help but feel you are clutching at reasons why this girl is not doing anything. OP is not turning her back on anyone - she's worked hard to find work for her and given her 2 years and it's been thrown in her face.

She has two parents who need to step up now. But they probably won't.

Rainbows that is really fucking insulting to sahp. Newsflash, small children do not look after themselves and the arrangements that parents make for the care of their small children does not equate to one person sponging off the other, as you seem to be implying the OP is doing. Generally when one parent sah, it is to the benefit of the family as a whole, including the woh partner who is freed from having to organise their working life around childcare.

You have my sympathy op.

No wonder the poor OP has not returned. Those making comments against her mostly haven't RTFT!!! Some are amateur psychiatrists and some will have their DC still living at home permanently unemployed in their 40s! At least two posters are well known for jumping in on threads to post controversial nonsense.

As for the bright spark who says as long as she's polite and does housework why should she work? What fucking planet are you actually on?'

I've also noticed I'm must go and wash my sock puppets

melj1213

OP and her oh have helped searched for jobs for her, got her interviews and she hasnt attended them, has not followed up with the jobs, how much more support should she have had?

She clearly thinks life owes her and she should spend her time sitting on her arse whole everyone does everything for her. Well life isnt like that and its time she realised it.

Why should op and her oh take abuse and criticism while they provide a roof over her head and feed her?

There comes a time when you say enough is enough, you are an adult start acting like one.

HenriettaH

As its the OP's house I think it perfectly reasonable that she doesnt have to suffer abuse in her own home from anyone.

HenriettaH

Wow assuming much?

OP has clearly stated that its HER house.
DSD Has the chance to go stay with her mum but she has the same rules so she wont do it.
What part of this is hard for you.
DSD does nothing, she is abusive to OP, her Dad and her siblings and lazy, wont do a thing to get a job, wants to slob around all day and expect someone else to provide for her and spend her JDS on herself.

She isnt some naive 16yr old, she has had 2 years of support and encouragement, yet has thrown it back in their faces.

Being a step mum or sahm seems to equate for some posters to having no rights in your own home and having to put up with selfish, rude behaviour indefinitely or until the man of the house makes a decision to put a stop to it! I fucking despair, I really do.

Even if the OP hadn't paid a penny towards the house directly, her unpaid labour is as much of a contribution. Even if she did nothing all day but watch Jeremy Kyle and paint her nails, she has a right to not be treated spitefully by her dsd. As do the dh and child who are also being treated badly at present.

It seems odd that this is HenriettaHs first ever post.

How insulting, being a SAHP is work, its a different type of work. Clutching at straws much!

How insulting, being a SAHP is work, its a different type of work.. No, being a SAHP is life. Work is a job. My kids and house are not a job, they are part of my life.

I cant believe that its 'acceptable' for a 19 yr old to stay at home and do nothing, when do they start to take responsibility for themselves? This one is not being nice to everyone and pulling their own weicht, she is spendin ehr time getting pissed, abuseing the parents and other kids in the house, upseting everyone by coming in at 3am waking everyone up, spending every penny on drink and cigs and going out! This 19 yr old ISNT being nice to everyone NOR pulling her weight!

That being a sahm to a toddler is 'sponging' off a man, erm its his kid too.

Rainbows I work full time and dh part time...

'weight' even!

Where did it say op didn't work and what's it got to do with anything?

I was a sahm until last month when i went back full time and my dh decided to take a back seat career
wise and see if being back at work
Would help my depression