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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

602 replies

FritzDonovan · 04/02/2017 22:56

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

OP posts:
Original poster
FritzDonovan · 07/02/2017 01:43

Italian I totally understand where you are coming from, thanks for sharing your experience. Very similar, but at our previous church he was also involved in other aspects which took up at least one evening a week (obv while at home), plus other time every so often. So it's not as if I am begrudging him time to develop spiritually at all. I just feel he assumes too much at the moment, negatively putting down my opinions rather than discussing.
As for another job, we have spoken about this, but despite me pointing out that if he had a job where he was home most of the time I would also be better able to work at a decent job, he prefers to stay in his chosen (exciting) career. I think a lot of it is status as well. He will not go back to the career he initially trained for and has only looked at similarly high interest /status jobs in the past. If he worked in a lower paid job (and I was in my previous career) the total pay would not be that different. Unfortunately we are way past that as an option now. Not that he seemed to take it that seriously.

OP posts:
MrsLupo · 07/02/2017 01:55

Doing things all together is only one way to nurture your family relationships

I'm a bit Hmm at the idea that you can nurture family relationships if you don't do things together. Actually, I'm a bit Shock. Why are so many people letting the DH off so lightly?

Italiangreyhound · 07/02/2017 02:16

FritzDonovan I wasn't really sharing my experience I was sympathizing with you and saying your dh is out of line. I don't have any experience of porn at all, I am just very anti it (but it is mostly as a feminist rather than as a Christian, although, of course I am both!).

"I just feel he assumes too much at the moment, negatively putting down my opinions rather than discussing. " I think you need to tackle these feelings and opinions in general because if you want it about 'church' he might just assume an air of religious 'superiority'. He needs to see he is at fault in this. He does not sound very humble at all!

I am so sorry, he sounds like a bit of a cock. I know I should not swear but I am so angry on your behalf. I hope you work some things out.

His 'witness' to you as a 'Christian' husband is very, very poor!
[hugs]

deliverdaniel · 07/02/2017 02:19

MrsLupo me too. it's amazing reading this thread. It sounds like the DH is trying to avoid participating in family life to me. I don't say this lightly, but I honestly think in this situation, if my feelings were disregarded so easily, and my partner thought so little of family time (ie prepared to drop church for social arrangements when he's away for work, but not for family time) I would consider leaving him.

chuffingtrain · 07/02/2017 03:03

#willow2016 & #fritz 100% agree, OP get your life back put him in his place or let him go and play at whatever games he's up to.... he's with you for 3 months, how sure are you he isn't doing the same with 3 other "wives" ?

roundaboutthetown · 07/02/2017 03:05

The man sounds like a self-centred twat. Plenty of reasons not to want to stay married. What are his redeeming features?

chuffingtrain · 07/02/2017 03:17

.... next time he goes, go with him ... watch the look on his face you'll see your answer !

Wars .... people fighting over who's got the best imaginary friend !!!

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 07/02/2017 03:21

chuffing Grin that made me smile, would be his worse nightmare, having more wives (unless they're more accommodating/interesting /sexy than me, lol).
He's not away at the same place all the time Smile.

Redeeming features... When we are getting on I think we get on well in most every respect. Unfortunately, it seems at the moment he thinks very little of me when I talk back /disagree. I can often see his point of view, but when his immediate response seems designed to wind me up I find it hard not to bite back, as I feel very unappreciated over a lot of life choices which have brought us to this point. The porn issue and related issues blew up recently, he has tried hard to pull his weight at home, and interact with the children, he planned a nice birthday for me (first planned one in ages) he doesn't restrict my spending money (although I don't make big purchases, he has) but I still have the underlying feeling (as indicated by this incident) that he thinks little of me unless I'm going along with life his way. The decisions I make are generally trying to benefit the family as a whole, totally feel at the bottom of the pile.

OP posts:
bummymummy77 · 07/02/2017 03:40

Op this sounds very hard and am shocked you're getting such a rough time on this thread!

Flowers
charlestonchaplin · 07/02/2017 03:50

I think this thread demonstrates why it is best for Christians to marry Christians. A common outlook, shared goals and strategies for life. Otherwise you often find each person pulling in different directions. This isn't focussed on the OP, none of my posts have been. It doesn't get around the problem of when one person becomes a Christian after marriage, however marrying someone who doesn't share your deeply-held beliefs is walking into a minefield.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 07/02/2017 03:54

Yeah, shame he wasn't a practising Christian when I met or married him then.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 07/02/2017 05:20

Fritz I think YANBU to want him to compromise. I would have said YABU to insist the compromise is on his church going, but since you say he's happy to compromise on that when he likes the alternative on offer, I don't see how YABU to say he ought to compromise simply for your sake, since in the general give and take of married life, he's currently all take.

But I would encourage you to stop trying to draw lines in the sand and argue with him while he runs over them telling you you're not being fair. Start thinking about what sort of life you'd like with or without him, and instead of asking him to not pursue his choices, start telling him you are going to pursue yours and he can either accommodate, or get out of the way. Because it seems like your current path is eating you up with resentment, and he isn't getting better is he? If things continue as they are, as you head towards old age, do you think he's going to start being more flexible and supportive? Or grumpier and more demanding?

Meluzyna · 07/02/2017 05:47

Haven't read the thread, but IMO YABU. Obviously you don't "get" religion if you think it's something that he can 'fit in" when you don't have anything better to do. If your O/H wants to go every week then he should be "allowed to" - a supportive spouse wouldn't question this.

Skooba · 07/02/2017 05:48

Boomboom has some good advice.
Once the DCs are older you will probably not be a Sahm. Start planning that- there are many years when DCs are no longer dependent. Even if you are out of pocket now with cleaners and childcare it could pay off in the future.
Also don't people in the services often leave after a set time? What do you foresee happening then Fritz?
Plan for your future.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 07/02/2017 07:00

Just thought I'd be of help to people who still haven't read the full bloody thread.

  1. The OP has already said. A zillion times. That the church service is NOT 'just an hour'.
  1. The OP has NOT anywhere in this thread stated she wants her DH to give up church altogether. She's asked that he comes to a compromise. Out of the twelve Sundays she and her children have him for. I don't even think God himself would begrudge her a bit of family time with her husband. You know, the bloke who married and made vows before his God to love and protect and honour her?

I'm frankly astonished at people suggesting he finds another job, so he can still go to church EVERY Sunday for MORE than 'just an hour', this isn't NEEDED. His job is not the problem here. His ability to prioritise is. I'm sure the OP would be more than happy with him setting one Sunday a month aside for family time for those three short months they have together. Her concern, and it is a justified one, is his apparent refusal to even try and accommodate his wife and children.

OP, whilst you're at your Sunday Tesco run, don't forget to cancel the cheque Wink

EnormousTiger · 07/02/2017 07:14

I think ost of us agree now. 1 hour mass a week is not going to be a problem but hours and hours and hours is and importantly he changed the rules - he didn't go to church when they got together. So a huge change. I found earning 10x my husband worked pretty well in maintaining equality and being highly regarded by the way - stuff male careers - let him find a nanny and you go out there and out earn him, weekends working in Dubai, the works....

NJJK · 07/02/2017 07:22

Though you do not feel the same way about religion or God, you should not stop him from going to church as clearly... he feels like he must go. It is not like having time to himself like going out with mates.
I am sure that we all have those few things very close to our heart that we feel like we must do despite having other family & kids obligations. Be it like going to gym, yoga, visiting an elderly family member, running marathons or supporting a charity.
Being respectful to each other's obligations and understanding will making family bond stronger then time together spent forcefully with resentments in heart. It is the quality of time you spent together is important than quantity.

chuffingtrain · 07/02/2017 07:25

hes away for 9 months where social takes priority over church, he comes back for 3 months and church suddenly takes priority over not just his wife but kids as well !!!

Just how long has this been going on like this ?

peukpokicuzo · 07/02/2017 07:56

I've changed my verdict due to the further info that has emerged.

These are all quotes from the OP's further posts over the last few pages:

his first reaction in EVERY situation is that I am trying to attack him in some way

the assumption that I'm unreasonable if he doesn't get his first choice of action

no understanding of my point of view. I am still automatically in the wrong

There is no compromise in my life as a whole, it has to fit around his life choices.

negatively putting down my opinions rather than discussing

This being your normal mode of interaction as a couple - Sunday mornings are the least of your problems. You aren't a life partner to him. Whatever church means to him it doesn't appear to involve trying to follow Christ in centering the needs of others before oneself. He doesn't even seem to respect you.

I am not sure that any of this would change if you got your wish for more family-focused Sunday mornings. It's a fundamental part of his personality. I think the only reason you still have a relationship at all is because he is away so much of the time. When his career allows him to stay at home more, this will be your whole life and the only thing to do will be to end it.

Frazzled2207 · 07/02/2017 08:11

I see what you're saying.
From a practical pov it's like my husband insisting he has to visit his allotment every Sunday morning, a bit of a bone of contention in this house.
I think yab a bit U to stop him going but in return you should get some time once a week to do what YOU want to do, alone, and also he should agree to give it a miss when for example you want to go on a Sunday day out or something else important crops up.

BertrandRussell · 07/02/2017 08:16

"I found earning 10x my husband worked pretty well in maintaining equality and being highly regarded by the way - stuff male careers - let him find a nanny and you go out there and out earn him, weekends working in Dubai, the works...."

Oh, do shut up.

tinydon · 07/02/2017 08:34

Willow 2016

First off I don't know what RTFT means.
Just caught up with thread and I stand by what I said. Having a faith is not a hobby going to church is essential to it. Though, missing an occasional Sunday service is understandable, that's how life is. I do empathise with op's situation but there is a lot more to resolve here than her husband's church attendance which has become the focal point for understandable unhappiness rather than the core of it.

Gwenhwyfar · 07/02/2017 08:44

" His job is not the problem here. "

Well it is because OP's problem is that she never sees her DH, not that he's busy on Sunday mornings.

Alwayscheerful · 07/02/2017 08:51

I can't believe some of the replies.
Swop church on Sunday morning for church on a Saturday night.
There is nothing nicer than fresh coffee, the Sunday papers and a leisurely breakfast on a Sunday. Enjoy a day at home together without rushing around to clubs, hobbies or church ....and give him your top up shopping list to deal with when he pops out.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 07/02/2017 08:52

"I found earning 10x my husband worked pretty well in maintaining equality and being highly regarded by the way - stuff male careers - let him find a nanny and you go out there and out earn him, weekends working in Dubai, the works...."

Oh my fucking God. She says this on absolutely every thread she posts on - with absolutely zero variation.

It's like an autobot.

I feel sorry for the poor bastard who has to live with it. Confused

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