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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

602 replies

FritzDonovan · 04/02/2017 22:56

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

OP posts:
AntiGrinch · 07/02/2017 08:54

MrsLupo

"I'm a bit hmm at the idea that you can nurture family relationships if you don't do things together. "

the crucial word in my post which you missed out in your reply is ALL. ALL together. I go on to talk about how sometimes one to one time in different combinations, or small groups, is also important.

I can see how you might miss the small word "all" in one sentence. but then missing my point in all the examples I gave, is just stupid. Why not read before posting?

dailyshite · 07/02/2017 09:13

I found earning 10x my husband worked pretty well in maintaining equality and being highly regarded by the way - stuff male careers - let him find a nanny and you go out there and out earn him, weekends working in Dubai, the works....

What's that got to do with the price of fish?

Alleycat1 · 07/02/2017 09:23

RTFT means READ THE FULL (f-ing) THREAD! If more posters did this poor OP wouldn't be getting half the grief . To be honest this applies to most AIBU threads.

Willow2016 · 07/02/2017 09:38

Meluzyna
Maybe you SHOULD read the thread and find out how his so called 'beliefs' go out the window when he has something more 'exciting' to do when he is away with work! He is a bloody hypocrite!

He barely supports her in anything, he only wants things his way or not at all, some 'christian' attitude!

Willow2016 · 07/02/2017 09:42

NJJK Tue 07-Feb-17 07:22:15

Though you do not feel the same way about religion or God, you should not stop him from going to church as clearly... he feels like he must go. It is not like having time to himself like going out with mates

Apparently this only matters when he is home, if he has soemething else to do when away then it doesnt seem to be more important than going out with his workmates socialising!

Where does that put his family on his list of priorities?

Rugbyplayersarehot · 07/02/2017 09:43

I totally sympathise op. I think this thread has been dominated by people who really don't understand what it's like to have a dh who works away and so you are responsible for running the house/kids every bloody thing all week and sometimes weeks on end.

My dh dies this and family time becomes incredible important.

I would be furious that he prioritised spending a morning with strangers when he coukd he getting to know his kids better. You have to make more effort when you work away with the kids because you arnt physically there.

A true Christian would go once a month to church and the other days pray quietly and please God by making his wife and children happy and secure.

He's a selfish knob.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 07/02/2017 09:43

Alleycat it's getting really annoying isn't it? Confused

AwaywiththePixies27 · 07/02/2017 09:50

think this thread demonstrates why it is best for Christians to marry Christians. A common outlook, shared goals and strategies for life. Otherwise you often find each person pulling in different directions.

Not necessarily, throughout the whole of my childhood in church. There was a lady who was part of the oversight (sp) of the church. Used to be a Sunday school superintendent, and run the weekly fellowships.

Imagine my suprise when I was all grown up, with two kids of my own and had only just discovered she had a husband.
He never once came to church with her, he didn't believe in God etc, I grew up genuinely believing the lady lived on her own because you never saw her husband and I never thought to ask. They're celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary this year. He's still not set foot over the threshold of the church the lady's attended regularly for all those years and they're still happily married.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 07/02/2017 09:51

*They not they're. Apologies.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 07/02/2017 09:55

Yes read the whole fucking thread!!

I defy any sensible person to condemn the op here. She sounds eminently sensible and balanced and doesnt want him to stop going to church altogether ffs

He on the other hand sounds a selfish self centred knob.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 07/02/2017 09:57

Away guessing the dh wasn't working away a lot though. That's the problem here. When your dh works away weekends and times they arnt working are very precious as you have do little time together.

Alleycat1 · 07/02/2017 09:58

...pixies yes, really annoying and on virtually every other long thread too.

Taytocrisps · 07/02/2017 10:07

My Dad's very religious and attends mass every Sunday. It's a requirement for Catholics. At some point the rules were relaxed and it became acceptable to attend mass on a Saturday evening instead of a Sunday. Dad never accepted this change and always goes on Sunday morning. If we went away on holidays, he always made it his business to find out where the nearest RC church was, and what times the Sunday masses were. However, the mass is only around 45 minutes (25 minutes if you get Fr. Speedy) and there's no socializing afterwards. Everyone leaves the church as soon as mass is over. Dad's an early riser and goes to 8 o'clock mass, so he's home by 9. It never impacted particularly on family life and in any case, he had a Monday - Friday job and was home around 5.30 every evening.

What concerns me particularly about your situation is that your DH isn't open to any discussion about it. Also, if church attendance is so important to him, why did he drop out for a month? Why is he happy to prioritize socializing over church attendance when he's away with work? The only time Dad misses mass is if he's very ill. Then he frets about it and feels guilty.

OP I think there are much bigger issues at stake here than church attendance and food shopping. And that's before you take into consideration him watching porn even though you've asked him to stop.

chuffingtrain · 07/02/2017 10:16

Stand up for yourself girl ! Girl power .... next time he goes out, give him your shopping list, or let him go then go to a friends for the day, let him stew a bit, let him know HE is NOT the center of your world if you are not the center of his !!!

tiggersreturn · 07/02/2017 10:17

Let me caveat by this by saying I am religious. I think your DH is being very unreasonable!!!! Yes I assume he has a stressful job, yes he is away a lot which probably isn't all fun for him, yes he needs some time to himself but that's nothing compared with the stress you have of dealing with everything by yourself and speaking as someone who works full time, kids are way more stressful than jobs.

Saying which, there are always ways to have a new look at things and see if you can find a new solution. He likes church. Your kids didn't. You want everyone to have family time. Why not ask him to find a church your kids will like and then while he takes them you can have the morning to yourself to do whatever you want (e.g. lie in bed, go to an exercise class, meet up with a friend). Make it something that is his to solve and maybe this will work. Also have a look at the evenings. You say he gets home at 6pm. By my book that's reasonably early. Do you have supper as a family? Is there a way to build that in so that when he's not working away you can have family time together? Also when he is around are there things you want to do in the evening? I know it's tempting just to veg in front of the telly when you're tired but seeing friends, going to classes exercise or cultural, going to the cinema or a concert or something else you enjoy are all good ways to perk you up. When he's away can you get a babysitter? Then you can commit to something regular. If you can't afford one, is there some work you can do in the day to earn some extra cash so you can go out and see other people? Or how about inviting friends round for supper/ coffee and cake?

The other thing is both of you taking ownership of what you want and clearly stating it. Don't expect anyone to double guess what you want/need. If it can't be accommodated immediately find a way to negotiate so that you can get it in a good way. Also one person being away so much must put a lot of strain on a relationship. As well as looking after yourself you need to try and build in time for each other and doing fun things together.

And if he refuses to listen, go and speak to the priest/vicar and explain the situation. You may find you have an unexpected ally there.

Much luck with this.

ArcheryAnnie · 07/02/2017 10:41

OP, I understand what you are saying, and I am really suprised by the number of posters who have said YABU or called you "controlling". It often seems like what a father chooses to do with his spare time is his prerogative, and his family have to suck it up. That's not what being a father is.

I say this as someone who has a faith, and who usually spends half a morning every week attending to it. Even if the worship is just an hour, church attendance takes longer than that - there's the travel back and forwards, the notices after the worship, often there's a shared cup of coffee with the other worshippers afterwards - it can all eat into the day.

The only thing I can suggest is to ask him if there's an early service he can attend instead of a midmorning one. I am not a Christian, but a close friend is, and she manages it by attending the 8 am service on a Sunday. She's then done by 9 am, and thus has the rest of the day to attend to family stuff.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 07/02/2017 10:42

To be honest. Having been in the church environment all my life I'm not surprised in the slightest at the OP being made out like she's satan incarnate because she's rightfully asked her DH to accommodate her and her family somewhere in those twelve short weeks he's home. My born again christian Mum didnt come to me when I needed her and when the nurse rang to say how unwell i was (it was a weekend I fell ill and the Ex had the children). The audacity of her own child having the nerve to fall terribly unwell in the early hours of a Sunday morning. I should have waited until the service, which incidentally isn't also 'just an hour', before I asked for help.
My Dad is currently in hospital having been very poorly. I'm not 100% either but I'm pushing myself for my Dad. My friends picked us up picked DCs up, took us out for dinner so I didnt have to cook when I got home. Then brought us home. I was that exhausted yesterday I nearly fell asleep on my friends shoulder. She knows me that well that she knew what I needed even if I didn't. Said friends are Atheists.

Becoming a christian doesn't automatically make you a better person.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 07/02/2017 11:02

Thanks everyone for the comments (apart from the 'YABU' - doesn't count unless you give a reason Grin), there have been some thought provoking posts, and some which have lifted my depressed and frustrated spirits.
Being able to get it out and hear others opinions has made me realise how subdued (not sure that's the right word...) I have become in terms of the relationship, self worth, financial independence, etc. I can pinpoint situations from the relationship past which have changed how I have developed as a person, and I'm not impressed with this self awareness!
This obv needs sorting. Not sure how to progress, but I will take on board many comments from here.
chuffing girl power Grin
& what was that about cashing cheques?!? Grin

OP posts:
Scaredycat3000 · 07/02/2017 11:03

Exactly Away I've not heard a word about DM's church or heavily xtian family helping her during the horrific year she has just had with my DF's health. Just coming and sitting with her would have been a massive help any day of the week. DM was actually missing church for weeks at a time, I posted up thread about church before family, they would have known, somebody else would have had to take up her numerous church duties. But none of them were there for her, not one. Friends, non religious family and the NHS were there for her.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 07/02/2017 11:04

Awaywith just caught your post, sorry things are tough with your dad Flowers

OP posts:
Willow2016 · 07/02/2017 11:05

Fritz
Go you !

Time to take back some control and show him you arent waiting around for him for the rest of your life. Lets face it you really dont need him, you are doing it all yourself anyway.
You are stronger than you think, and worth a hell of a lot more than he is giving you.

Scaredycat3000 · 07/02/2017 11:05

An infamous long thread where half the posts were not RTFT but cash the cheque! , despite fairly early on the op explaining why she couldn't cash the cheque.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 07/02/2017 11:28

Grin ah, I get it now Grin

OP posts:
AwaywiththePixies27 · 07/02/2017 11:35

Fritz thankyou. Re the cash the cheque joke it was the thread where a lovely OP had given a bride and groom a cheque towards their new life / home / etc as a wedding present. Cheeky sods emailed her asking if she could spare a little more! Shock despite the op stating the wedding happened ages ago (so cheque already cashed) . People were still telling her to cancel it.

Scaredycat3000 · 07/02/2017 11:44

Thanks, didn't think I was quite right!