To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

[FritzDonovan]

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

Again to be fair, he has said if I arrange a family activity on a Sunday he will miss church, so why did he say it felt like I was trying to make him feel guilty when I expressed the hope he didn't want to go to church every Sunday morning?
It must be a social thing to a large extent, as he would otherwise be happy to go another time every other week? I feel I am now in the position where if I arrange something for the weekend I will feel guilty unless I arrange it for Saturday.

lottie pass the wine, I've obv got a rather large hole to fill

OP, then make specific plans. Otherwise i can see why he might just go to church if theres nothibg planned.

I think people who suggest he chooses a closer church havr missed the point a little. I commute to my church because it's theologically liberal and ones close to me are more evangelical abd conservative. There's no way I'd sit through a conservative sermon. DH is atheist/agnostic/ambivalent (he doesnt really care) but he sometimes comes with me for company. He likes the liberal side of my church and would flat out refuse to attend an evangelical church.

I am a Christian and go to church every Sunday. I also attend life group in our church every Tuesday evening. My Husband (who I call a bit of a cafeteria Christian) doesn't attend every week. He is more Easter and Christmas times. He has never objected. I have never forced my beliefs on anyone.

If it does your Husband good then what is the issue for the sake of an hour or so? Yes he is at work in the week. You have said you have made the choice not to pursue an activity yourself that brings you some you time etc. I am afraid your sounding controlling. I think you need to sit and communicate and listen with your husband.

If you try and stop this it will only cause resentment. It doesn't sound as if you had a problem with it when he took the children when they were younger

Tbh I think you are making him feel bad about it, and if it is important to him, as it clearly is, and it is his time to reflect and take stock and effectively meditate a bit, then it's as much to be respected as time in the gym or whatever else we all need to recharge ourselves. I think he's been very meek about it, and he hasn't caused a fuss about the kids now not going with him. I feel quite sorry for him. I think the generous thing would be to let him know you respect and understand it, and just gently take it on board when arranging things. Don't make him feel ashamed about it. I mean, better he does that than goes off and does something bad, surely??

And neither of you have rtft..........

Keffie, no, I didn't have a problem with it until the kids said they did not want to go, and I am now wrong because I don't support him in forcing them to go.
I am asking why compromise is so difficult when he wants to do something, yet there was no compromise when he wanted to chose a job which takes him away from the relationship /family for long periods of time. There is no compromise in my life as a whole, it has to fit around his life choices. I wouldn't mind this as much if I wasn't seen as unreasonable when I disagree with his absolute decisions.
I also disagreed with him watching porn, he said (of his own choice) he wouldn't look again, yet has done regularly while away and hidden it for a long period of time. So I guess I am controlling in that situation. However, you could also argue that by leaving his old career to take up this one (which I wasn't happy about) and making out that I am unreasonable to feel the way I do, he is pretty controlling too. Or doesn't it count, because he's being religiously persecuted on a completely unrelated issue?

Op I think you can safely discard the cancel the cheque posts

Cant anybody RT WHOLE FT?
Or at least OPs updates?

This is getting like a stuck record!

Oh OP, you have been given so much grief on this thread it's unreal! I am a weekly church going Christian. I am a disabled SAHM with 3 kids. My OH is only at home with us Fri night through to Sunday night. I go to Church every Sunday, and can understand that it basically takes half a day, and for me personally, i couldn't survive the week to come without it, but I take the kids to Church whilst he stays home, however this is what works for us, there is no guilt throwing, no pressure, no control.

I do NOT think you are BU and I truly don't know what advice I could possibly offer, it does look to me as though you could do with some support and some good friends to surround you and help you through this, because honestly you sound as though you have given up so much for him and his wants and desires, whilst recieving nothing but a long guilt trip in return.

I truly wish you all the best, i think someone needs to give your incredibly selfish OH a stern talking to, and sending a massive virtual hug your way. 🌹🌻🌼🌷

Thankyou so much kkrpainmum. You are one of the few Christian posters here who haven't tried to make me feel like a bad person for disagreeing with dh and being upset with him. Massive hugs back, I'm glad your church life fits in with your family life , continue to enjoy, you sound like a lovely (tolerant) person.

Just caught up with the thread. YANBU at all, OP, and I feel really sorry for you, both on account of how your DH is treating you and of how you've been treated on this thread.

For me, the key thing is whether your DH's churchgoing is because of faith, or whether what's important is the church community and its support. If he has a genuine faith, my position would be that God isn't just for Sundays and isn't to be found in a particular building at a particular time. There are other times he can go to a service, and weekly attendance isn't necessary to be a good Christian. If the value for him lies in being a part of the local church's community, then I would take the view that that is more like a hobby or social group and, while acknowledging it's importance in his life, I would expect him to dial it back now he has a family, rather as, say, someone sporty might stop competing or training several times a week once their family commitments reached a certain level.

But this is a reasonable, considerate way of finding a solution, and it doesn't seem as though he's interested in that. The more you've posted updates, the more of an asshole he's come across as tbh - and the more I'm wondering if it's church that's actually the attraction. Interesting how the church habit only started after you had children.

As pp have said, what's in this marriage for you? Do you love him? If not, or if you're not so sure anymore, I think I'd be looking at other possibilities for myself. After a while, possibilities have a habit of turning into viabilities, and viabilities eventually become solid plans. I hope something changes anyway, because the your current situation sounds absolutely rubbish. Sorry.

Bit you could have had Sundays to yourself if you hadn't put a stop to the kids going

angel
she didnt put a stop to them going they didnt like it, had no friends there and they didnt want to go.
Why should they go to somewhere they hate just cos their dad is being a selfish prick? Maybe they should be allowed to make up their own minds about religion when they are old enough?

Why should op be the bad guy and force them to go?

And she doesn't want Sundays to herself! She wants them to spend a rare bit of time all together. Why are so many people down on this totally normal, reasonable concept?

you need to work out something between you where you feel better about the fact that he does this.

If you need extra shopping on Sundays - he can pick it up on his way back.

If you would like a regular time to do your thing - arrange it. If he can't fit the childcare around his work, get alternative childcare. Or make other arrangements whereby you accept that you can't be strictly regular about your thing, but you need it to be made up in other ways.

My ex resented my church going. He bitched and belly-ached about it all the time, although I was flexible about it when he specifically wanted to do something else. But to be honest I thought he was a bit crap whenever I got back on Sundays. I take the dcs with me, so not landing him with childcare, and they were really refreshed by it. So the three of us would arrive back home all cheerful and breezy and ready to get on with a nice day, and he'd be all in PJs with red wine blue teeth trying to soak his hangover away with coffee in front of the TV, and would have the nerve to be resentful as if we had disrupted him.

Try going with him. See what it does for your mood. Keep an open mind.

I think it's really sad that life is so pressured that even going to church is something that is considered an outrageous indulgence. We really have forgotten how to live: what humans need.

OP, I get it if you're wondering "what about me?" but in that case the answer is to sort out your life, not to randomly focus on that one aspect of your DH's life that you have chosen to blame for your lack of personal satisfaction, just because you don't understand it and you've decided it's dispensable.

Is your husband just a bit of a selfish git? If so, stopping him going to church isn't going to fix that. If he has made a series of decisions over the years that are based on a belief that he has a wife to cover all family duties to allow him to please himself, then stopping church isn't going to do anything to change that fundamental inequality between you which is making your life unsatisfying and frustrating.

I also agree with a PP poster about being a bit sceptical of "family time" as a dominating principle for weekends. Doing things all together is only one way to nurture your family relationships and your personal happiness. You also need to think about your individual relationships with each other person, and with yourself. Your children and your DH would all value one to one time with you. It can be much more relaxed and rewarding to do one thing with one other person that you both really like instead of flogging round some park where the little one is holding everyone up insisting on trying to climb trees and the teenager is bored and bringing the mood down by going on his phone all the time or being resentful when you tell him not to. Why not just walk around the park by yourself for a bit, or take the little one and let him mess about on trees as much as he likes while you find out what his life philosophy is. (yes he does have one.) If the answer is "because I need DH to step up and accommodate that" then that's what you need to look at, not banning church in favour of some arbitrary demand for unified Show of Family, which maybe no one even likes.

anti I've tried it, I've supported it, it's not my thing. I shouldn't be made to feel guilty about that. I've supported him in it, have the kids when he goes to Xmas midnight mass etc (he assumes that will happen, without asking) and normal church. I'm not going to support him in forcing unhappy kids to go, because he wants them to share his religion. They decided for themselves, so I have them when he goes. I compromise for him, he should do the same for me without making me feel like a shit about it.

Wow....
I don't go to church, or any religious place at all but I find it very unreasonable that you will begrudge your partner a regular time for his spiritual development.
Take your kids shopping with you whilst he's at church if the time is so important to you. Dragging two complaining kids around? Get a grip.

And what do you think I try to do on a weekend? Stuff that everyone hates? I try to make sure we do stuff the kids enjoy. He has plenty of other opportunities to worship.

mommie try reading the thread. WTF should I devote weekend time to me and the kids doing crap jobs while he is off socialising on his own?

FFS, I'm not banning church!

FritzDonovan I have not followed all the thread, but posted early on. I am a Christian and I just noticed you say...

"I am asking why compromise is so difficult when he wants to do something, yet there was no compromise when he wanted to chose a job which takes him away from the relationship /family for long periods of time. There is no compromise in my life as a whole, it has to fit around his life choices. I wouldn't mind this as much if I wasn't seen as unreasonable when I disagree with his absolute decisions."

I think your dh sounds like a very insentitive person. He should be showing you a good example of a loving Christian husband who cherises his wife not someone who just orders you about.

Ask him to look up Ephesians 5:25, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her..."

"I also disagreed with him watching porn, he said (of his own choice) he wouldn't look again, yet has done regularly while away and hidden it for a long period of time. So I guess I am controlling in that situation. However, you could also argue that by leaving his old career to take up this one (which I wasn't happy about) and making out that I am unreasonable to feel the way I do, he is pretty controlling too. Or doesn't it count, because he's being religiously persecuted on a completely unrelated issue?"

This is 100% unacceptable!! You are totally in the right!

I am very anti-porn, both as a feminist (it is awful for women, both in the 'industry' and for women in general who are viewed as 'up for it' always due to the image it portrays of women!) Also as a Christian I am very anti porn as it destroys the beautiful image of people and makes people into objects, (especially women!).

It is totally 'unacceptable for this man to claim to be so religious' and also be using porn, hiding it from you (his wife, who he should love as much as his own flesh), and controlling you while claiming you are controlling him! What a tit!

I think what you do with your Sunday mornings is really the least of your worries and I am totally with you now in seeing that this man has some serious thinking to do about what his place in your (plural) marriage and family.

[hugs]

Fritz, I am not sure whether your husband is a git or not but I have to admit I sympathise with him because I am projecting a bit. This is what my situation was:

• working long hours and long commute, primary breadwinner
• DP unhappy about that and resentful about times he had to do childcare in evenings while I was on my way home - frequently making digs about it
• yet enjoying the standard of living that came with my salary. We did not have a lot of spare money, we were not living in luxury, my job was not a choice; we could not have got by, not remotely, on his salary
• I was going to church for reasons of faith but also for personal reasons of needing some quiet in a very busy life. It was hard for me to get any down time in the week, between work and small children - he dropped the kids like a hit brick when I was in the house and he didn't do housework. I didn't impose the kids on him by going to church because I took them with me.
• still he was resentful of me going, having a commitment that was not to do with him or directly to his advantage
• Church often asked me to commit further and I couldn't. I gave the minimum time I could to the church; there are a lot of community events that I just don't do, I'm afraid I have only one volunteer duty and attend services only, I do not bustle about doing this that and the other as they like- because I am under too much pressure in all directions

So I had the job, the partner, the kids, and a tiny-tiny-tiny bit of church. No one was happy with what I was doing, everyone thought they deserved a little piece of me. but there was nothing that I could drop between job-partner-kids I was constantly scraping by on the minimum and yet constantly exhausted.

So being bitched at about church was something I just had to put up with frankly, because I needed to go, and I knew I was doing as little of it as my relationship with the church could stand.

So, OP, ask yourself, what can your husband drop (instead of church) that would make your life better, and do you accept the trade-offs of him dropping whatever it is? Would you get a job that pays the same? Would you downsize? Can you get rid of the car, the holidays and days out, eating out, takeaways, ready meals, wine, new clothes, and everything else? What do you want to go without?

your marriage, plural, I mean both of you! You are in it together and it does not sound like he sees that. Religion is not a cloak you can put on over yourself to make everything all OK, it is a journey and it involves a lot of self discovery, IMHO, or at least it should do!