To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

[FritzDonovan]

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

Average age of a woman 75 / 80 maybe ? there are 12 weekends available to your complete family for each year left, so how many years have you got left ? multiplied by 12 the by 2 gives you a rough idea of the possible days left till clog popping time comes round !

Example if you are 35, 40 to 45 years.... at most 1080 days so just under 3 years !!!

Are you really sure you want to be with this guy? Being good company when he has time after all his other priorities (which you are required to support via childcare, no job and moving house) is not my idea of a husband or father. How much easier would your life be without him? At a minimum I'd be getting a job and making him organise the childcare for it, you've organised the childcare for his whole life.

Did someone just say girl power?

Yep Girl Power ! :D or have I now got to call it "none sexually orientated power ! :D

Fritz I couldn't response to what you said to me last night as it was late when I read it. In NO way, sense of form did I say the children should be made to go to church. I NEVER said that.

What I did say was ''did you complain when he took the children to church?''

I totally agree even though I am a Christian who attends church that you don't make someone go who doesn't want to, including your children. I totally agree that they should NOT be made to go.

The additional information you added into the post, which you didn't say in the original post, about the things your husband has done, make me question why you are still with him TBH!

I feel (though you may not realise) that you are resentful (which I am not surprised at, with the things he has done. You mentioned porn) It is easier said than done to get over these things.

I am NOT being judgemental of you though if you wish to think that way then that is up to you. Your original post came over as controlling, until I read more of comments and responses during the post.

I stick by what I say that you need to sit down and communicate and both of you listen to each other. Maybe you need to get some outside help as clearly your marriage is heading if not in crisis.

Looking behind what you have said all together throughout the post this is I feel more than just about him going to church (though I know you are not saying he can't go, just not every week, which is hard and would be for me if my husband said no to every week)

Do you really want to be married to him? Do you stay for the children? Do you fear you couldn't cope on your own? I know you have said he is away alot however he is still in the background. I don't know. Usually there is more than 1 thing at the back of the main issue.

To begin with, with your first post it seemed you were being petty. As I have read more of what you have said throughout the post, it seems your not happy, in your marriage.

As a woman who is Christian (me) who left finally an abusive marriage nearly 17 years ago, I totally get covering the feelings of ''oh yes I am O.K blah blah'' It is only on being happily remarried today in a situation of having found peace etc. that I know some marriages should end.

I am not saying yours should: I just think you need to do alot of exploring and self awareness to find out what it is you really want and if you really want to be in this marriage.

I think the exploring should be for you, not anyone else. It would be impossible from what you said for you both to go anyway with his work. However I really think you need some outside anonymous support to help you make decisions on your own future.

I can see how you might miss the small word "all" in one sentence. but then missing my point in all the examples I gave, is just stupid. Why not read before posting?

I didn't miss it, thanks, Grinch, neither the word nor your point. I just think you're wrong. And rude.

I have RTFT.

I really wonder why he wants to go. Do you think he gets a buzz from people perceiving him as 'that lovely man whose wife never attends'? Elders fussing over him? A bit of attention that goes beyond fellowship?

There is something here about the inconsistent 'show' of his attendance that doesn't sit quite right with me.

Best wishes OP.

YANBU. The shopping etc is incidental. You just want him to show more commitment to the family. He has little time and you are low down in his priorities and when you try to discuss this, instead of your views and sacrifices being acknowledged, he just talks to you with disrespect.

This wouldn't be so much of an issue if he didn't work away so much. Given he is hardly there, he makes you feel totally unimportant. Which looks true from where I stand.

Sorry if xposting but would it be a good idea to speak to his minister and ask for advice? or better still, both go?

OP I've been thinking more about your situation and it's ringing all sorts of alarm bells for me.

You gave up your career to accommodate his. You've moved multiple times to accommodate his career, and in consequence don't have many (any?) friends you can turn to or socialise with. You single-handedly deal with the DC and housework so you have little opportunity to do anything independently. You are shut down every time you raise concerns about things that are important to you, but you can spend good time together when he decides the time is right. He prioritises any/every(?)thing ahead of you and your DC.

In essence, he has created a situation in which you are financially dependant on him and completely isolated. Yes, you've gone along with it in good faith but ultimately this sounds like incredibly controlling behaviour. To shut down any conversation about the status quo by making you the "bad guy" is textbook stuff.

I really think you should be considering your options - properly, not just Sunday mornings - and be thinking about how you can plan for your and your DC's future. It's unhealthy to be entirely dependent on one person anyway, and even more so one when that person behaves with apparently no regard for you. It honestly doesn't sound like a relationship, it sounds like servitude. Where is your escape route?

I can understand it must be frustrating if it means you can never have a weekend break away from home as he must be at home every Sunday. Would he agree to miss once every six weeks so you could have weekend beak or family day away? what would happen if you were sick on a Sunday morning? You could shop in week if you are sahm then spend Saturday doing family stuff.

Caring
When he is away for work he is quite happy to give up church to socialise with workmates but tells op she is being controlling when she suggests cutting down when at home.

Even missing it every 6 weeks would mean 10 Sunday's out of the 12 he has at home a year he would still be absent all Sunday morning.

Away = church not so important a good time comes first.
Home = church more important than family.

He isn't prepared to compromise at all without guilt tripping op.

Keffie. No, I didn't complain when he took the kids. At that time I had them at home 24/7 and was glad of a few hours off.
Yes. I have tried to talk through problems /disagreements numerous times in as non confrontational a manner as I can. Yes, due to his behaviour in the past and things he has done, sometimes this may be accusatory. He will get defensive/dismissive and aggressive. when his first thought is that I am personally attacking him or trying to make him feel guilty, I don't know how I can change that. I have suggested individual counselling bit no action has been taken. Eg with regard to the porn thing, he said he hides it and was aggressive when confronted because he was guilty (he had told me ten years previously he wouldn't use it again).... isn't this something HE needs to sort out? I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I don't see how couple therapy can change an individuals instant thought/response.

I'm a Christian and we go to church the vast majority of Sundays but I think YANBU here. I just don't think your DH is around enough and if he won't/can't change jobs to be away less then being there on alternate Sundays is not an unreasonable compromise. I have a DH who has to travel as part of his job (only during the week) and it's hard. We've recently agreed that he will say no if he can so that he's around more for me and the kids and that he will try to come home earlier when he's not travelling. I guess I'm wondering if your DH appreciates what it's like for you when he's away?

If he's home at 6 then you have loads of family time!! What are you on?? My DH hasn't seen a 6pm finish in years and he still goes out and does other stuff!

And I know this is a bit of a tangent, but if you feel embarrassed and guilty for looking at porn when you said you wouldn't, why do it? Especially making such a big deal now about being a Christian doesn't seem to fit, to me. Maybe I'm wrong and many Christians watch porn? Or does being a man away from home make this better than going out and cheating? Which I know he thought about at least once. I just cannot reconcile this behaviour with the public persona. Am very confused. Has religion helped him change? Am I ruining all that by complaining? But where is the discussion and compromise if his instant reaction is that I am being negative?? Don't understand.

Its just
Do read the thread!
He is away for months at a time and only home 12 weekends a year. So no they don't have loads of time together.

Actually Fritz bit of useless information here. But there was an American pastor who spoke about this in one of his sermons a few years back. There had recently been a survey of some sort in which something like 40% of Pastors had admitted to watching it.

itsjust he isn't home by 6pm he's away with work most of the year.

Basically fritz my point about the porn watching is I think a huge percentage of christians as well as non christians watch it. They just don't like to admit it.

Re porn I'm not a Christian man but I get the impression from DH that whilst almost all Christian men would agree it's wrong it's quite common to find it difficult to resist, especially when away from home. I'm not saying this is OK in any way, just that it's probably not unusual.

Personally if my DH had been tempted to cheat because of a job that took him away from home I would be saying to him from a Christian perspective that our marriage needs to come before the job and he should be looking for something else. I'm pretty sure my DH would agree.

apple no, I don't think he does. He has said a couple of times that he forgets how hard it is when he goes away and does exciting things while I stay at home running the kids and house. I do nice activities with the kids but it's a drag always arranging everything yourself. when I pointed out he has rarely organised anything big for us as a family when he gets back I was accused of saying I just wanted him back to constantly entertain us
His thought processes are really defensive. And make me feel like he doesn't actually think much of me. Which is what he says to me (ie I don't think much of him), but I'm not the one doing potentially relationship damaging stuff.

Awaywith hmm, bit of a double moral standard?

Sorry if xposting but would it be a good idea to speak to his minister and ask for advice? or better still, both go?

It depends on the Minister. Denomination. First Minister was lovely. Another Minister had a blanket rule of 'not getting involved in family issues'. The new one couldn't help but stick their oar in every five bloody minutes. I think they were bored and saw peoples disagreements as entertainment. They never offered any advice or solutions. Just glad to have a bit more gossip for the next meeting.

Awaywith hmm, bit of a double moral standard

Definitely a double standard. I'm just trying to highlight the fact that christians and followers of other faiths do things their books tell them not to.

I also have a DH who can get quite defensive and upset if he feels criticised. I'd say he's overly sensitive to criticism although I'm not really sure why. If I remember this in the heat of the moment (often I don't) then I try to talk more about how I'm feeling e.g. "I'm finding it really hard when you go away because the children are such hard work". I'm not very good at this tbh but he is definitely more receptive to this kind of conversation if I can think of a way to frame a problem in a non critical way.