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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dd to look after me in old age?

88 replies

malificent7 · 04/02/2017 00:28

I want a qualified health professional please.

Of course id like her to visit me occasionally but not only do i not want to burden her but id rather have a neutral , skilled professional who dosnt want my inheritance ( i jest! )

I just dont get why people want lots of kids so they can look after them in old age. What if they dont want to?

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 04/02/2017 00:29

Also i want someone with proper training

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 04/02/2017 00:50

YANBU. I plan to be very clear with DS on this, and pick out a sheltered accommodation place with the option to step up to more thorough care as soon as I need it. I would hate him to feel obliged to do it.

Winniethepooer · 04/02/2017 00:57

Care is expensive!

Ability to pay? defines the care most people receive.

TyneTeas · 04/02/2017 01:05

YANBU as such, however not sure how it will be funded

Original poster
malificent7 · 04/02/2017 01:09

Taxes seem to be the obvious solution. Unless you want your kids to foot the bill. Id rathet it was a collective effort. I dont get this... who wil fund it mentality.

Who will fund schools, NHS, roads, the latest renovations on Buckingham Palace, Trident?

The taxpayer. I dont mind shelling out for care for the elderly. Although i do resent paying for the palace and Trident.

OP posts:
AmeliaJack · 04/02/2017 01:09

I don't know anyone who has had kids so that they can look after them in their old age.

Not everyone needs care in their old age. Out of my 4 Grandparents only one required care.

But of course it is very sensible to plan ahead for your own care if it is required.

Original poster
malificent7 · 04/02/2017 01:12

I think its very sad that we live in a world where we cant conceive paying for the elderly. What a load of old tight wads we have become!

Although as i have been warned... the money isnt there... or it is... just not in the hands of the people.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 04/02/2017 01:20

I can see your point. However if I had to be cared for I'd rather have a one way ticket to Dignitas.

Pallisers · 04/02/2017 01:20

No one should have children so they can be minded by them in their old age.

But. I have been through the deaths of my mother and father.

I have no doubt in my mind that my dad's last months were easier because my sister and myself were talking to the doctors, advocating when my mum couldn't, minding him, washing him, all done with love.

Ditto my mum who ended up in a nursing home after a series of strokes. She was better off there rather than with us but I think her life in that home was immeasurably better off because of the daily visits from us, the box of chocolates to the nurses in appreciation every sunday, the engagement we did with the other people in the nursing home, knowing that the nursing home knew that my mum had people who were utterly commited to her well-being, were attentive to her medical and social needs on a weekly basis, and appreciative of those who helped her?

So no, don't expect your children to mind you themselves when you are old and incapable but don't underestimate the immense difference it will make to you if you are being cared for in a nursing home and you have someone - friend, child, niece, godchild, whoever, who is looking out for you on a daily basis in that home. Most people need that or incredible wealth. Love of close family and friends is easier to acquire.

sobeyondthehills · 04/02/2017 01:29

Having looked at my grandparents and my parents medical history I have already decided if it happens I am off to Switzerland. Or will take my own way

madein1995 · 04/02/2017 02:12

My mum works in a care home, and while i think its your choice I think if it came to a home or community carers coming into my own home i'd choose tge second. Much better care, and cheaper. Obviously there may be some fab homes, but the ones near me aren't.

I feel conflicted. I've not lost anyone really close thankfully, and caring for elderly relatives is a full time job. However I know that my parents would want me to do it for them, and I would try. I can't say I definitely wilk as you never know whats up ahead, but I do know I will do my best which I think is all anyone can do. Having heard horror stories about homes by carers (mum asnd friends) id be loathe to put them in there and theyre not aa jolly as on tv etc, but never say never and it depends on so many factors. Id like to think id try my best and do all i could though

allowlsthinkalot · 04/02/2017 09:57

I don't want my dc to look after me. I had them to live full lives for themselves not to be my carers.

Having said that, elderly care is often a cinderella service and you'd be surprised how little training there is for those carers.

If you have the funds to pay for 24 hour care at home or live in help that's what I would choose.

Pineapplemilkshake · 04/02/2017 10:04

I have seen far too many people (usually women) in my job (GP) basically have their lives ruined by having to provide full time care to parents who refuse to have carers or consider moving to sheltered accommodation. Some of them have to endure verbal abuse, and never get a "day off" from this. Too often I've seen women in their 60's and above trying to look after elderly parents and having their own health suffer as a result. I wholeheartedly agree with you OP, and hope I'll never be a burden to my own DC either.

ElspethFlashman · 04/02/2017 10:06

I just dont get why people want lots of kids so they can look after them in old age. What if they dont want to?

Who do you actually know who says this?

I have literally never heard anyone say this. And I'm a nurse.

exLtEveDallas · 04/02/2017 10:11

DD is only 11 but I've already had this conversation with her. I've said that as soon as I become "wobbly" on my feet, or in my head, then I will move to sheltered housing. I won't stay in this house and expect her to help me. I've told her that she should make sure that happens, even if I seem to be against it, because I don't know what will happen to my brain as I age - right now, in sound mind, I do NOT want her looking after me.

We've even had the chat about care homes and how my pension should be able to fund most of my care.

I am ADAMANT that my DD should not have me as a burden. I'd rather never see her again than put her through that.

Babyroobs · 04/02/2017 10:16

I am happy to look after my dad when he becomes infirm but I am a qualified nurse. However like you op I would not want my kids looking after me unless it was just help with shopping, gardening etc. In my line of work I see peoples doing personal care for their spouses. I just couldn't let my dh do that for me !. I see a lot of only children struggling to care for elderly parents and a lot of carers ( usually women) sandwiched between trying to care for young kids and elderly parents.

useyourimagination · 04/02/2017 10:22

When I was 15 my mother made me promise that if the time ever came my brother and I would put her in a care home. Thankfully it doesn't look like we'll ever have to make that choice but she was very clear about it.

I shall do the same with my children.

RavenclawWriter · 04/02/2017 10:24

My grandparents both had dementia. Us looking after them gave them many more years of having a life in their own home (sheltered flat) and much more time with them for us. They had carers and meals on wheels but that wouldn't have been enough without us. Their quality of life did reduce when they had to go in homes. My dad is an only child so most of the care fell to us. Would have been a help to him to have more support as well so siblings can support each other in these situations. But then again a family friend has siblings yet they're no help with his parents!

Tootsiepops · 04/02/2017 10:28

My mum nursed her dad through terminal cancer. It nearly killed her too, and I remember wondering how she could give so much of herself to someone else. I told her how much I admired her for it, but was very honest and said I didn't think I'd be able to do the same for her.

Last year, my mum had a brain haemorrhage, and when she was in hospital, I knew I would do whatever it took to keep her in my life. I'd already mentally converted our garage in to a room for her so that she could live with us.

In that moment, I absolutely understood how my mum had given her all for her dad.

My mum didn't make it though and died a short time after her haemorrhage. She had always said to me she never wanted to be a burden, but I'd have given my right arm to have had more time with her.

CaveMum · 04/02/2017 10:43

The thing is people's circumstances are so different these days that the ability to care for elderly parents isn't there - no space in their homes, working hours, small children, etc.

Add into this parents who don't want to move out of unsuitable homes or take steps to protect themselves such as pendent alarms and it's a volatile mix.

We're in a situation with MIL at the moment: she's had 2 bad falls in the last year resulting hospital stays. We advised her to move out of her unsuitable home (4 storey town house) after the first fall but she refused. She's now agreed that she has to move so while she's been in hospital we have frantically been organising alternative accommodation for her.

We're having to pay for the accomodation out of our own pockets as MIL has no savings and will need to arrange to either rent out or sell her house.

While all this is going on DH and his brother both work full-time in high pressure jobs 100s of miles from MILs house. I live 20 miles from her (DH comes home at weekends) but work part-time, have a 3yo DD and am 7 months pregnant so can't physically do anything to help apart from phoning people every spare moment I have.

What I'm getting at is that people might WANT to be able to care for their elderly parents but circumstances mean they are unable to.

Yoksha · 04/02/2017 11:15

I gave up my job to help look after my mum who developed Alzhiemers. It took 8yrs before she died. I'm 60 next month & can't get a job. No pension till I'm 66. I totally rely on my Dh to live.

So I wouldn't want my 2 daughters to care for me. I don't know if I'm brave enough to take a one-way journey to dignitas. All depends on how the rest of my life pans out.

quarkinstockcubes · 04/02/2017 11:24

I just dont get why people want lots of kids so they can look after them in old age.

Where are all of these people who are mass producing future carers? I have never heard this.

My DM has told me that she would never want to be a burden on me. I would do my utmost best to have her in either her home or mine until her last days. My DGP's were all in care/nursing homes in the end and no matter how salubrious it looks or costs the standard of care is very variable.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/02/2017 12:12

Neither do I. My dd didn't ask to be born. Why should her life revolve around looking after me. Plus if I had no quality of life. I'd just end it all anyway. What's the point in just existing.

JamieXeed74 · 04/02/2017 12:53

Wouldn't waste my money on dignitas, bottle of sleeping pills and a bottle of gin would do it for me. Would be nice though if we were allowed family to help.

Can't see how tax can pay for everyone to have skilled professionals looking after us in old age. An increasing elderly population is living longer, with more chronic conditions and more expensive medicines. There just wont be enough working age people paying ever increasing taxes to afford a bigger health/care system bill.

So if you dont want family looking after you, get saving to afford your own care.

BlackeyedSusan · 04/02/2017 13:13

I have told mine to remind me I am turning into my mum and to put me in a home. I qquite fancy a home. havingyour cooking done and tv.