To not want dd to look after me in old age?

[malificent7]

I want a qualified health professional please.

Of course id like her to visit me occasionally but not only do i not want to burden her but id rather have a neutral , skilled professional who dosnt want my inheritance ( i jest! )

I just dont get why people want lots of kids so they can look after them in old age. What if they dont want to?

[PoundingTheStreets]

I cared for my MIL until the last week of her life when she required 24-hour medical care and so went to a medical hospice. While I don't regret ever doing that, I wouldn't recommend it. I did it round a full-time job for an extremely understanding employer. Even so, I regularly had to take days off because she was particularly bad, return home because the home carer employed to do lunch hadn't turned up, etc. As someone up thread pointed out, dementia can be very difficult to manage - you can't restrain someone simply because they have a tendency to wander off or turn on the tap and forget to turn it off - you have to manage your own life around that possibility, which means massive limitations.

It worries me that the government are clearly heading towards an edict that families should be responsible for providing care for their parents. Some families simply will not be capable of that. In countries where it is the norm (e.g. China), extended families are much more the norm. In this country we have had generations encouraged to split from their families because they need to "go where the work is". Many families live miles away from their elderly parents. If they move back they have no employment prospects and run the risk of disrupting their children's schooling/lives. If the elderly parents move to them, they may not be able to afford housing nearby, they will be uprooted from everything familiar to them and their existing support network. It is just a badly thought out plan from ministers who have never really felt the same financial/practical constraints as mere mortals.

I also think this is a feminist issue, because there is no getting away from the fact that in the majority of cases the burden will fall to daughter/SILs, just as it does now.

Unfortunately, while everyone expects to bequeath their house values to their children and no one is prepared to pay more taxes, it is the way we're heading.

[timeandagain1]

Agree with an earlier poster. It is impossible to declare that you would never put your parents into a care home. My mother cared for my grandfather at home with dementia for 3 years - he was doubly incontinent, violent (he once punched her in the eye giving her a very serious facial injury having previously been a very gentle man), wondered the house all night and started fires by putting things like paper in the toaster and escaped numerous time to be bought home by the police (mum eventually had to lock all doors and windows and sleep with the keys on a chain around her neck). My grandfather eventually had to move into a home. Not long after my grandfather died my mums childless sister, my aunt also developed dementia. Again my mother had her come and live with her. My aunt become doubly incontinent and used to smear poo over the walls in the night despite having pads and carers coming in daily to clean her. this was every night for about 3 months before my mum decided she couldn't do it anymore. Who in their early sixties can be cleaning human feces from walls, carpets, beds sofas every day . After 18 months and the rapid decline again my mother had to make the decision to put her into a home. My mother is racked by guilt in both these cases but nearly killed herself looking after them.

It is also not so easy to say 'I'll walk of a cliff'. My aunt especially, having see her father go through it was of this mindset but the cruelty of dementia is that you often do not realize you have it until too late to make these 'decisions'. In neither of my experiences of dementia have the people involved realized they had dementia while still maintaining clear cognitive thought. I am amazed to see TV interviews of people who realize they have the illness (say like Terry Pratchett) since this isn't always the case. The initial decline can sometimes be very quick although the dying can take years and years.

I will not be 'caring' for my parents although if necessary will of course advocate for them and visit them etc. I have also made it clear to my husband (kids a bit to young) that they are not to care for me.

And the funding for our care, 'our' being this generation and our parents , will come mainly through the person requiring care having sell their home/use their savings and care is not cheap. Unless we are prepared to pay for elderly care through taxes as is right, as we do for the young and the sick, then inheritance will become assigned to history.

[Boulshired]

My mother spent all my life telling me when she needed care she did not want us to go through what she went through with her parents and IL. When the time came all she wanted was to be at home with us providing care, knowing what you believe to want now is no guarantee. It was the same with her death she was a dignitas view of mind but again when the time came she fought with every last fibre for every second.

[maddiemookins16mum]

I was "burdened" (not the right word I want to use actually), with the care for my elderly mum. It was horrendously stressful, I was exhausted both emotionally and mentally over a period of several years, NONE of my other family members helped at all. Part of the problem was my mum once told me (many years ago), "please don't put me in a home". This goes back to childhood where she was in a home in the 30's.

I dread my daughter ever having to go through the same with me but I just don't know what the answer is.

[Bumpsadaisie]

OP and others who already have a strong view about this - how do you know what you will want when you are old?

It might not pan out as you think!

[RhodaBull]

Mil and fil ate extremely healthily - mainlined Benecol and five a day - and exercised, were slim etc. Very healthy bodies - but mil lived with dementia for ten years and fil has dementia but is in excellent physical shape. Would have been better if they had been decrepit!

[ExConstance]

I don't want my sons or DH wiping my bottom, either. A good third of people reach the end of their lives without ever needing care so we should all be exercising and eating healthily to try to be one of them. If you get to be quite elderly and need home care you are only likely to live another couple of years, so there is always equity release as a possibility if SS won't fund you.

[RhodaBull]

My pil have paid over £500K for their care so far. House, savings... all gone. Which on the one hand is fair, as no family member was going to step up to the plate. On the other hand, unfair, as there are people in their care home who have paid nowt. It would take a Solomon to solve it.

Regardless of cuts, which political party is in power etc I don't think the current system is sustainable. There are just too many elderly people coming along. It's not personal, it's just sheer weight of numbers and of course medical advances. I know many people decry Boomer Bashing, but they are going to be the demographic which breaks the welfare state.

[Alconleigh]

I wonder if we will see a change in the law on assisted suicide when the reality of an ageing population with potentially hugely expensive medical needs, a reduced tax intake, fewer immigrants to work in care homes, and a care system savaged by years of Tory cuts kicks in......

I realise that sounds very cold put like that!

I keep making the point to my parents that if the time comes when they need care, they will need to sell the house to pay for it. Neither my sibling nor I have enough money to pay £1000 a week for a care home, and due to the way the property market has changed so much in the last decades, neither do we have big enough houses for them to move in with us. I can't move closer to them either due to my job. And nor could I give up my job to care for them, even if I wanted (which I don't) as who would pay my mortgage?

I am not sure the message is really getting through though. They may not need it of course (the most any of my grandparents needed was semi sheltered, the others all died while still living in their own homes). The reality is though we will not be able to even provide the help with medical appointments etc mentioned on here very often; none of us live close enough and we all work full time.

[RhodaBull]

As others have posted, nearly everyone says, "Oh, I'm off to Dignitas," yet hardly anyone goes. Dementia slowly creeps up, and by the time it is serious enough for the person to require care, they have lost capacity and can't make any decision let alone take any action about going off to Switzerland. Mil strenuously denied there was anything wrong with her, enabled by fil. In fact fil was adamant there was a cure just around the corner and mil would miraculously recover and be off to the garden centre and John Lewis within no time. Perhaps we all secretly think that: whilst there's hope there's life.

[FaFoutis]

Did you hear this tosser on the radio?
www.theguardian.com/society/2017/jan/31/take-care-of-your-elderly-mothers-and-fathers-says-tory-minister
Funnily enough it is generally not the sons or the wealthy who end up as carers.

YANBU. There's no way I would want to burden my children.

[SleepFreeZone]

I'm off to Switzerland too, already decided that. I'm hoping by then Euthanasia will be available in the UK. Can't think of anything worse than being trapped in a pydicsllg frail and decrepit body with total strangers pretending to care for me.

[icanteven]

I wouldn't want my daughters actually living with me and washing and spoon-feeding me when I'm 98, but I would certainly bloody want them involved in my life.

I am likely to be able to afford a private carer to care for me/us personally and domestically, so I am lucky that way, but I would be very disappointed if they didn't socialise with me regularly (unless they decided to live somewhere very remote and inappropriate for me - I am a city person). I would find that extraordinary, in fact, assuming our relationship is a good one as they grow up. I expect to be very active, urban and independent when I grow old. People in my family tend to live for a very long time, with mercifully few health problems, so fingers crossed I inherited all the right genes!

[PoisonousSmurf]

My maternal grandmother, paternal grandmother and my own mother all died from Dementia.
If I feel that I'm getting it, I'm doing myself in by walking out onto the hills in the cold.
I don't ever want to be the shells that they ended up as.

[RhodaBull]

Those who say, "I'd never put my mum in a home," envisage a slightly forgetful elderly lady with perhaps a stick living contentedly in the granny annexe. Well, these people need to get real and visit a few care homes.

Mil had dementia and she raged . She struck out, shouted, cried and was doubly incontinent. And had to be lifted with a hoist. And - and here's the worst bit - she lived like that for ten years years. Fil also has dementia, although not as bad, but is still doubly incontinent. He is in very good health apart from this and so could live many years. Dementia is not in itself life limiting.

Only a saint, someone with a great deal of money and room, or a family with a lot of relatives on hand and the expectation that they do it (I mean women here, of course) can cope with caring for someone with dementia themselves.

[thegreylady]

I am 72 and dh is 80 the decision may not be deferred too long. Both dd and ds(and ddil) have said I could live with them but I don't think the reality of it would be fair. However I hate the thought of a 'care' home and am fond of a nice Courvoisier...

[Elledouble]

lostinfrance yes, I'd rather take a slightly early exit and have my children remember me as their mum than have them spend years wiping my bum and looking after me like a baby. We're all going to die anyway, does it really matter?

[HarryTheHippo]

She has no savings. She is under cmht but I think it's because of the variable nature of her health she wouldn't accept outside help when well. I never know when she's going to be unwell....

[HarryTheHippo]

She's not constantly ill probably manages for 7-8 months for the year for which she has capacity and tells everyone she's fine/wouldn't even accept I'm her carer.

When she's Ill shes acutely ill, I've found her collapsed last easter (severe dehydration) and she was in icu that evening, via a and e etc. Various times she's mentally unwell it takes ages to get her help usualky via police /sectioning etc

She is currently in the hospital assessment ward unable to speak with a drip in her - she's been bounced back and forth between mental and physical hospitals (and briefly home) and needs an advocate, and in normal hospital doesn't get the care she needs mentally.

Anyway crazy story but in a few weeks I expect will be fine. I think I will need to visit at least every other day as I can't risk her collapsing again.

But when well she has little memory of being ill or needing such care..

Im struggling with so much at the moment. Our lack of pension or ability to plan for our future is part of it.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

HarrytheHippo have you asked for a social work assessment? She may be eligible for some help. The threshold of savings is quite low but it is worth enquiring, even if just a few days a week.

[HarryTheHippo]

I think honestly if we hadn't had such financial bad luck I'd love a place with a granny annex and be able to care for my mum here. Far rather than than a care home.

If I was honest I'd far rather be with one of my children than a care home. But Id never put that expectation on them.

[HarryTheHippo]

Im I'm my late 30s and currently can't see myself returning to work as my mother has complex physical and mental health and I've spent most of the last 3 weeks with her (children already telling people they don't see mum much as she's looking after granny.) When she is ill she has reduced mental capacity and needs an advocate. I've hated seeing some of the care she has and keep working out what we will do long term. She has no money (benefits) and I live in an ex council house with 1 toilet and no space. We couldn't ever have her space wise.

Long term I really worry.we have no pension. Both graduates etc but the fact I'm not working has affected a lot of things. I've seen in care homes and I really wouldn't want to be in one. We won't be able to afford a decent one.

Quite frankly it all scares me. Id love to be able.to pay a nurse to visit mum instead of me sometimes to reduce the burden. And I can only see I will be a burden on my daughters and don't want to be.

(caravan at the end of the garden suggested above sounds great actually!)

[heppi]

Those of you who say you'll be taking the pills with brandy - I think you underestimate the will to live. And it's not sudden, aging and its problems come on gradually. How will you make the decision, yesterday was worth living, but tomorrow isn't, when the difference is indiscernible?

[Atenco]

Another one who has told my dd to put me in a home, even though I know how horrible they can be. I only have one child and the work involved in looking a sick elderly person is beyond the abilities of just one.

Mind you, the benefits of being looked after in your home is that there is no unnecessary prolongation of life. My MIL is dying at home as I write and all her children have been staying with her for months now to look after her. She deserves it, she's a star.

[katiegoestoaldi]

Manepartner I was just young, i was under 10. It was a random conversation we had when I was standing on a chair having fun washing dishes. She was very unfair to take it the way she did and hold it against me for the rest of my chiodhood