To not want dd to look after me in old age?

[malificent7]

I want a qualified health professional please.

Of course id like her to visit me occasionally but not only do i not want to burden her but id rather have a neutral , skilled professional who dosnt want my inheritance ( i jest! )

I just dont get why people want lots of kids so they can look after them in old age. What if they dont want to?

[LittleCandle]

DF told me in the last couple of years of his life that he resented me having a life of my own, even though he adored my DC. He was appalled that I had gone on to further education, like my DM, because he had only agreed to a child so that I would look after him in his old age. That hurt a lot. I only hope that he didn't actually mean it, given he was quite ill by this point. I didn't move in with him, or him with me, because he wanted to 'retain his independence'. He was so independent that I often had to get up in the middle of the night and drive to his home and scrape him off the floor. I was on first name terms with most of the paramedics, as I often had to call them in. I wouldn't wish that on my DC and I will be doing everything in my power to have the money to go to Dignitas. I do not want my DC resenting me. I want them to live their lives.

[Ragwort]

However strongly you feel now that you don't want your children to care for you when you are elderly, circumstances do change. My own grandmother was adamant that she would not be 'a burden to anyone', she researched an organisation similar to Dignitas, told us she wanted us to put a pillow over a head when the time came ....... however she developed alzheimers and became incredibly demanding and it was very, very hard for my mother. She did eventually go to live in a care home (and was evicted from one ) - but my mother still felt incredibly guilty about the whole situation.

[HeddaGarbled]

My mum and her friends, all coping with elderly parents to varying degrees, all said, just put us in a home, give me a shotgun, we don't want to be a burden etc etc.

Now they're there though, the flippancy's gone. Some need professional care but they all want someone who knows them and loves them to be their advocate and negotiator in their dealings with carers and social services and medical professionals and sometimes just the plumber or double glazing sales people. And to talk and listen with that shared history, not as a kind stranger.

Visiting you occasionally is not enough.

[IrenetheQuaint]

Yy Hedda. Lots of people say 'oh I'd rather shoot myself than go in a home/need 24 hour care etc' but it's a figure of speech, when it comes to it they accept the help.

If you love your parents you want to help them and look after them... The issue is where you draw the line.

[HAnooo]

Having worked in a care home myself, I know for a fact I would never want to end up in one, but if I there were to ever come a point I was incapable of looking after myself I really wouldn't like to put it on my children to be my carer. I'd do my absolute best to look after my parents if I was put in the situation before they needed to be put in care home they'd be 100% with me first if possible.

[Hulababy]

We've already told Dd that we will not expect her to be our caters when she is older. We already save for our old age and that will include nursing home fees etc should we require them. No way would I want Dd having to look after me. I hope she will come and see me obviously and we can continue to have a good relationship but don't personally feel a child (even as an adult) should have to have the burden of a parent living with them or needing them going in every day. Have seen it too many times - relationships start to break down, tensions arise and the burden can be immense.

[Hulababy]

Dh goes in and out of care homes a lot in his work. There are some he would never want to be in. But there are others which he says are lovely. They cost though. Hence financial planning whilst we are younger.
The one his grandad was in was very nice and the staff lovely.

[ShoutOutToMyEx]

My nana's care home was lovely, or should I say the staff were. When she died the lady who looked after her the most cried along with me.

My parents are adamant that my brother and I will never care for them the way they had to care for my grandparents, despite me saying that I would be -not happy to do it, that's the wrong word, but that I would never resent it. They feel very strongly about it and I wouldn't be surprised if they offed themselves the moment it looked like a possibility.

[Manepartner]

Care is expensive so I can understand why sometimes the decision is made based on finances. My grandfather is really concerned that he ends up in a home (although he is fully prepared that if he needs to he will) but he has worked hard and doesn't want his money to be 'wasted' on his care. He wants to pass it down to family. We have told him time and time again that his money SHOULD be spent on his care if and when that b comes necessary. But at £900 a week I can understand peoples reluctance to go into a home

[lostinfrance2016]

Those of you talking about killing yourselves, or having Dignitas or whatever do it for you... do you honestly believe this would be easier for your children to bear? Really? I would be devastated to think that my mum or dad would do that rather than turn to my sister or me for help when they get older. I can understand why people with horrible, terminal illnesses would do that.. but my folks have done so much for me over the years - I don't want to turn my back on them. It works both ways.

[KatieScarlett]

I would beg on the street before I would see my mum in a care home.
I've already made plans for the day she will move in with us. I'm already her carer so having her here would actually be easier. However she is currently more than able to live independently with a bit of support, so the day hasn't come yet.
That's what's right for our family though. I know it's different for others.

[Elledouble]

No, I'd hate that too. If the time comes, I hope I'll go into a reasonable care home or slip away early on a nice big dose of morphine

[ilovesooty]

lost I don't have children. If I became infirm I have few close relatives to care almost everyone is my age or older. If I became a drain on them I imagine it would be much easier for them if I made a quick exit.

[katiegoestoaldi]

Manepartner I was just young, i was under 10. It was a random conversation we had when I was standing on a chair having fun washing dishes. She was very unfair to take it the way she did and hold it against me for the rest of my chiodhood

[Atenco]

Another one who has told my dd to put me in a home, even though I know how horrible they can be. I only have one child and the work involved in looking a sick elderly person is beyond the abilities of just one.

Mind you, the benefits of being looked after in your home is that there is no unnecessary prolongation of life. My MIL is dying at home as I write and all her children have been staying with her for months now to look after her. She deserves it, she's a star.

[heppi]

Those of you who say you'll be taking the pills with brandy - I think you underestimate the will to live. And it's not sudden, aging and its problems come on gradually. How will you make the decision, yesterday was worth living, but tomorrow isn't, when the difference is indiscernible?

[HarryTheHippo]

Im I'm my late 30s and currently can't see myself returning to work as my mother has complex physical and mental health and I've spent most of the last 3 weeks with her (children already telling people they don't see mum much as she's looking after granny.) When she is ill she has reduced mental capacity and needs an advocate. I've hated seeing some of the care she has and keep working out what we will do long term. She has no money (benefits) and I live in an ex council house with 1 toilet and no space. We couldn't ever have her space wise.

Long term I really worry.we have no pension. Both graduates etc but the fact I'm not working has affected a lot of things. I've seen in care homes and I really wouldn't want to be in one. We won't be able to afford a decent one.

Quite frankly it all scares me. Id love to be able.to pay a nurse to visit mum instead of me sometimes to reduce the burden. And I can only see I will be a burden on my daughters and don't want to be.

(caravan at the end of the garden suggested above sounds great actually!)

[HarryTheHippo]

I think honestly if we hadn't had such financial bad luck I'd love a place with a granny annex and be able to care for my mum here. Far rather than than a care home.

If I was honest I'd far rather be with one of my children than a care home. But Id never put that expectation on them.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

HarrytheHippo have you asked for a social work assessment? She may be eligible for some help. The threshold of savings is quite low but it is worth enquiring, even if just a few days a week.

[HarryTheHippo]

She's not constantly ill probably manages for 7-8 months for the year for which she has capacity and tells everyone she's fine/wouldn't even accept I'm her carer.

When she's Ill shes acutely ill, I've found her collapsed last easter (severe dehydration) and she was in icu that evening, via a and e etc. Various times she's mentally unwell it takes ages to get her help usualky via police /sectioning etc

She is currently in the hospital assessment ward unable to speak with a drip in her - she's been bounced back and forth between mental and physical hospitals (and briefly home) and needs an advocate, and in normal hospital doesn't get the care she needs mentally.

Anyway crazy story but in a few weeks I expect will be fine. I think I will need to visit at least every other day as I can't risk her collapsing again.

But when well she has little memory of being ill or needing such care..

Im struggling with so much at the moment. Our lack of pension or ability to plan for our future is part of it.

[HarryTheHippo]

She has no savings. She is under cmht but I think it's because of the variable nature of her health she wouldn't accept outside help when well. I never know when she's going to be unwell....

[Elledouble]

lostinfrance yes, I'd rather take a slightly early exit and have my children remember me as their mum than have them spend years wiping my bum and looking after me like a baby. We're all going to die anyway, does it really matter?

[thegreylady]

I am 72 and dh is 80 the decision may not be deferred too long. Both dd and ds(and ddil) have said I could live with them but I don't think the reality of it would be fair. However I hate the thought of a 'care' home and am fond of a nice Courvoisier...

[RhodaBull]

Those who say, "I'd never put my mum in a home," envisage a slightly forgetful elderly lady with perhaps a stick living contentedly in the granny annexe. Well, these people need to get real and visit a few care homes.

Mil had dementia and she raged . She struck out, shouted, cried and was doubly incontinent. And had to be lifted with a hoist. And - and here's the worst bit - she lived like that for ten years years. Fil also has dementia, although not as bad, but is still doubly incontinent. He is in very good health apart from this and so could live many years. Dementia is not in itself life limiting.

Only a saint, someone with a great deal of money and room, or a family with a lot of relatives on hand and the expectation that they do it (I mean women here, of course) can cope with caring for someone with dementia themselves.

[PoisonousSmurf]

My maternal grandmother, paternal grandmother and my own mother all died from Dementia.
If I feel that I'm getting it, I'm doing myself in by walking out onto the hills in the cold.
I don't ever want to be the shells that they ended up as.