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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end all contact with what was once a lovely work colleague?

170 replies

smarties1991 · 02/02/2017 15:56

He was lovely when I worked with him. Very kind and always willing to help me out. We worked together for 8 months and although we never got to the point where we met up outside of work, I think this had more to do with the fact we only worked together for 8 months and had we worked together longer probably would have become friends outside of work too. We had a great time working together and he was only ever a perfect gentleman and kind.

It was his leaving do two weeks ago and he was horrid to me. When I arrived he looked at me, looked at the floor and away. And never made eye contact again. He made rude remarks about my dress, I burnt my hand on my soup and he wouldn't even pass me his napkin for me to wipe it off. He invited two of his friends along and once they arrived he turned his back on me and spoke to them only and shut me out of the conversation. When we were walking to the venue everyone was chatting and we were in front and he just walked ahead rather than do the normal thing and walk/chat with me. This left me awkwardly trailing behind.

It was only when I left to get my last train home that he stopped me and said he needed to get my new number as he had been told I had a new one. I really wish I'd declined giving him my number but didn't want to make a scene in front of everyone.

Two weeks later he is now texting me asking how I am getting on and if I've had any interviews.

I don't think I can stay in contact with him after his 'performance' on his leaving do. He was so rude and I genuinely don't think he was blanking me because of something I had done as I have never gossiped about him, never done anything that could possibly be taken the wrong way by him and the fact he got my number at the end shows he wasn't annoyed with me.

However, I feel bad ending contact over his behaviour at the leaving do which lasted 3 hours as opposed to his behaviour 5 days a week for 8 months.

But, I just can't see past how rude he was to me that evening.

AIBU to just cut contact?

OP posts:

Greensmurf1 · 03/02/2017 21:10

It's quite worrying if people really do think he fancies you and his rudeness is a sign of that. It is a symptom of a wider problem in society that normalises bullying relationships. Saying a man's offensive or hurtful behaviour is a sign of his attraction is as absurd as saying that a Spurs fan booing an arsenal player is secretly a gooner at heart.
Some people have a difficult time with changes in their comfort zones such as their usual work environment and may behave in a passive aggressive manner. Some people fear being left behind and act out so that they are pushing the leaving person away. In any case, you should do what you feel comfortable with. If you feel better ignoring texts, do so. If you feel better responding to say you enjoyed working together but you need to focus on something else, you can do that. If you feel really compelled to discuss the situation, you can reply to say you gave your number out of politeness but on reflection you feel uncomfortable with how you experienced his actions at your leaving do. You can say that you feel that he probably didn't intend to make you feel uncomfortable, but you're not interested in meeting up socially. Hope you can find some happier memories of your leaving do and don't end up fretting too much.

Heebiejeebies77 · 03/02/2017 22:12

You say he approached you at the end of the evening and asked for your new number as he'd 'been told you had a new one'. Maybe he thought you were trying to blank him and cut contact, hence the weird, childish behaviour throughout the evening. especially if he thought (like you) that you were good mates.

He probably does fancy you as well, but it may be that he felt rejected as a friend - maybe he was wondering why you didn't give him the number without prompting and had to have a few drinks before he pulled his neck in and realise it wasn't worth falling out over.

I guess you need to ask yourself why you didn't offer up your new number to your work bud in the first place, and also who told him and dumped you in it!

DrRichardKimble · 03/02/2017 23:24

I guess you need to ask yourself why you didn't offer up your new number to your work bud in the first place, and also who told him and dumped you in it!

Good point!

38cody · 03/02/2017 23:28

Well just ask him why he was do rude/ wouldn't passnapkkn etc and then depending on his answe / decide.

Trollspoopglitter · 03/02/2017 23:39

Sorry OP, I think that dress is a giant doily dipped in grey. So saying it's a bit "old fashioned" outloud would be a polite comment to me. Lace will never be cutting edge and modern to some, no matter what the cut/style.

Snotgobbler99 · 04/02/2017 00:41

I'd guess he fancies you and is a bit inept. There's no reason to assume he was negging you. If that's his game, he'd have tried the technique before. "Pick up artist theory" demands that practitioners don't save it all up for a special occasion, they do it 24hrs a day and you (OP) would have noticed him using the technique on you or other women before. (The theory is that you can't expect a 100% success rate - it's a numbers game, so doing it to just one person doesn't make sense).

I think more likely he fancies you but, since he has a new gf, he doesn't want to get caught out by his mates who would be only too happy to drop him in it (I don't know why 'mates' do that but they do).

The dress thing is also a sign of social insecurity - not many men have a huge vocabulary when it comes to complimenting women on their clothes. Like someone above said, it might have been his best shot at saying the dress was retro.

Most men have crashed and burnt and experienced horrible embarrassment at some point. Most find talking to women they fancy difficult. When I was under 30, I never managed to get with the women I really liked because I simply couldn't handle the emotions. I think it's a bit tough for people to say he's got a horrible attitude - we've all suffered from being inept at some point in our lives and probably wouldn't wish to be judged on it.

Only you, OP, can know whether he deserves a bit of latitude. If you think it's worth it, talk to him. Tell him nicely he's been a bit of an arse and if he responds poorly to that then you'll really have your answer.

Some people have said that life's too short to deal with arseholes. That may be true but it's also too short to miss out on decent friendships.

cherish123 · 04/02/2017 01:06

I think he definitely fancies you.

CrikeyPeg · 04/02/2017 04:15

He sounds like a nob with poor social skills, which you never knew because you only saw each other in a work setting. It would be perfectly reasonable to block and not worry about continued contact.

Italiangreyhound · 04/02/2017 05:22

So glad you have decided to ignore him. Well done OP.

The idea that a man fancies a woman and is then a total nob is a bit of dangerous clap trap.

Plus you said yourself there was no sexual chemistry there from you anyway!

And that dress is amazing!

Hope you find someone fantastic and don't waste any more emotional energy on this guy!

LouKout · 04/02/2017 06:08

I blame romance novels/Mills and Boon (days of yore)/ 50 shades.

People buy into the idea of a man being really horrible just because he fancies you and then turning around into some lovely prince charming once you win his love.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 04/02/2017 06:25

Yeah he does fancy you.
But he is a negger so you have to decide if you can be with some one who thinks negging is an acceptable way to speak to women.
the fact that he's with someone else is by the by. a dog will take any bone.

Michellelovesizzy · 04/02/2017 17:43

Was he drinking at this party becaus that can change people not that it is an excuse to be rude

haveacupoftea · 04/02/2017 18:10

Seems a bit harsh to block him without talking to him about it or giving him a second chance, if he was becoming a good friend.

sailorcherries · 04/02/2017 18:21

Since when does acting the twat mean someone fancies you!? I knew my OH fancied me because he was nice, took the time to speak to me and generally didn't act the knob.

This guy was rude to you on a night out, made you feel crap about your outfit, ignored you hurting yourself; on top of not spending time alone in the office/turning the music on to avoid one on one conversations etc. Why do you think you are good friends?
You never spent any time socialising outside of work, which after 8 months doesn't scream close or even good friendship to me. 8 months is 2/3 of a year, hardly a short period of time.

It seems as if you were more invested in the friendship than he was but he never got a chance to let his true colours shows until out of the office. You are well rid.

Dad2Cariad · 04/02/2017 21:58

you put him in your friend zone when working with him..
He probably lnows that and resents it a little so on his leaving do decided to ignore you to see if you really wanted to see him.
You probably had fun with others and didn't miss him that much so when leaving he asked for your no.

He is texting to see if you really liked him, but you just see him as a friend.
Probably best to leave it. lopsided friendship if you ask me.

Rowenag · 06/02/2017 08:21

I know I am on my own here, but it sounds to me like you are over sensitive and read too much into things. Maybe he likes you as much as any other work colleague but had some good friends at the party who didn't know other people from your work and focussed his attention on you. Maybe he walked ahead as he had told people he would be there at a certain time and didn't want to be late. Maybe he didn't hear you when you asked for a napkin. Even though he asked for your number and has sent you a text asking if you have had any interviews, maybe he is just being as friendly to you as he is with your other work mates (i.e. Sending the odd text), he hasn't asked you to meet up or go out. When you say he was more friendly when you were in a group situation maybe that is because he just saw you as one of the gang, not as a close friend. I find all your comments a bit OTT to be honest. Answer the text or don't, it is just a text and he probably isn't that bothered either way anyway.

Rowenag · 06/02/2017 08:22

*i meant focussed his attention on them!

elQuintoConyo · 06/02/2017 08:49

He sounds like a complete knobnash.

Avoid. Delete. Move on.

hesterton · 06/02/2017 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittlePaintBox · 06/02/2017 10:18

In your OP you said

We had a great time working together and he was only ever a perfect gentleman and kind

but since then, you've described all sorts of weird behaviour if you were on your own with him. I'm not clear from that why you thought you had a budding friendship with him.

Call me old-fashioned, but given his behaviour, and the fact he's now with someone else, I think the last thing you should do is pursue a friendship with him. Maybe it had the potential to be a beautiful friendship, but that opportunity (if there was one) is gone now. Someone who can't muster a compliment for your dress doesn't sound like either friend or boyfriend material to me.

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