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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end all contact with what was once a lovely work colleague?

170 replies

smarties1991 · 02/02/2017 15:56

He was lovely when I worked with him. Very kind and always willing to help me out. We worked together for 8 months and although we never got to the point where we met up outside of work, I think this had more to do with the fact we only worked together for 8 months and had we worked together longer probably would have become friends outside of work too. We had a great time working together and he was only ever a perfect gentleman and kind.

It was his leaving do two weeks ago and he was horrid to me. When I arrived he looked at me, looked at the floor and away. And never made eye contact again. He made rude remarks about my dress, I burnt my hand on my soup and he wouldn't even pass me his napkin for me to wipe it off. He invited two of his friends along and once they arrived he turned his back on me and spoke to them only and shut me out of the conversation. When we were walking to the venue everyone was chatting and we were in front and he just walked ahead rather than do the normal thing and walk/chat with me. This left me awkwardly trailing behind.

It was only when I left to get my last train home that he stopped me and said he needed to get my new number as he had been told I had a new one. I really wish I'd declined giving him my number but didn't want to make a scene in front of everyone.

Two weeks later he is now texting me asking how I am getting on and if I've had any interviews.

I don't think I can stay in contact with him after his 'performance' on his leaving do. He was so rude and I genuinely don't think he was blanking me because of something I had done as I have never gossiped about him, never done anything that could possibly be taken the wrong way by him and the fact he got my number at the end shows he wasn't annoyed with me.

However, I feel bad ending contact over his behaviour at the leaving do which lasted 3 hours as opposed to his behaviour 5 days a week for 8 months.

But, I just can't see past how rude he was to me that evening.

AIBU to just cut contact?

OP posts:

BlueKarou · 02/02/2017 16:58

Personally I'd ignore him, he sounds a bit of an idiot.

If you did want to reply then maybe something like;
Hey, I'm doing ok. Bit surprised to hear from you after the way you were acting at your leaving do.

Botanicbaby · 02/02/2017 16:58

Agree with what the others say, ignore him and move on. He is not worth any effort after treating you horribly. No need for that as he's an adult.

I do wonder if it's you that likes him more though?

EchidnasPhone · 02/02/2017 16:59

But he hasn't been a friend. He purposely avoided being alone with you, turned on music rather than talk to you, would only engage with you if there was other people. If that's the bar you set for friendships it's pretty low.

VioletRoar · 02/02/2017 17:00

Christ on a fucking bike, I don't think someone being a rude prick means he "likes" you, this you should be grateful.

Even if he did like you, why wouldn't he show it like an adult?!

Yanbu op, you don't owe him anything.

ShatnersBassoon · 02/02/2017 17:00

I wouldn't mention the leaving do. There's nothing to be gained from it.

livefornaps · 02/02/2017 17:01

OP, you probably have things you'd rather do with your time than see him again. You don't owe him anything. You don't even need to answer him if you don't want to.

MockTurtleSoup · 02/02/2017 17:06

Fuck that!
Watch the clip reallyanotherone posted. So true, this message needs to be instilled in children of both sexes from a young age.

MichaelSheensNextDW · 02/02/2017 17:06

Love the dress.

He's a wanker - I'm sure you have nicer ways to spend your time than trying to 'understand' him.

When someone tells you who they are, listen.

kittybiscuits · 02/02/2017 17:07

Your dress is beautiful. You can a) ignore and block or b) text 'you were so unpleasant to me at your leaving do that I don't want to keep in touch' and see if he offers an excuse explanation

BusterTheBulldog · 02/02/2017 17:09

That's a lovely dress! (Completely misses point of thread)

ActuallyThatsSUPREMECommander · 02/02/2017 17:13

I posted before I read your post about avoiding talking to you one to one - I agreee that is weird, and regardless of whether it's motivated by bizarre romantic intentions it's a bit of a red flag.

deckoff · 02/02/2017 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TooSmittle · 02/02/2017 17:14

OP, I don't think you owe him a damn thing. Don't stay in touch if you don't want to. If you do want to then there's nothing wrong with asking him "was there anything up at your leaving do, you seemed off with me".

And just a crazy wayward thought - does this remind anyone of the 'does my boyfriend fancy the woman at work' thread from a few days ago? The boyfriend in that thread was tremendously rude to the colleague at a party...

Meluamelua · 02/02/2017 17:16

Couldn't have said it better Michaelsheen

GatoradeMeBitch · 02/02/2017 17:18

Sorry, all this "Oooh, he was a rude scumbag to you, that means he liiiikes you, tee-hee!" bollocks makes me want to vomit. Any grown man who treats a woman badly and makes her feel shit because he can't cope with his feelings needs to move back in with his parents until he;s ready to grow up.

VioletRoar · 02/02/2017 17:19

deckoff

Xmasbaby11 · 02/02/2017 17:28

I wouldn't want to see him again after that behaviour. He's not a friend and I certainly wouldn't want anything romantic from someone who thought it was OK to behave like that.

dowhatnow · 02/02/2017 17:33

Maybe he thinks that you like him (would explain all the things when you were alone) and because he brought some friends with him, he didn't want to encourage you out of embarrassment, in case you were over friendly?

Could you have appeared to be keen on him and he was too nice wimpy to let you down?

lookatyourwatchnow · 02/02/2017 17:42

I'd have to call him out on this OP.

Fallonjamie · 02/02/2017 17:50

PP mentioned another thread about someone suspecting her DP had something going on with a colleague as was so rude to her on a night out.

Now that IS quite common but again; only by complete twats. It's over-compensation. I've lost count of friends and threads on here of women who doubted their DP was having an affair because they said the OW was fat/old/boring/a slag/wouldn't touch her with a bargepole while pursuing or actually fucking them.

Princes among men!

SemiNormal · 02/02/2017 17:51

I hate this shit of "oooh, a boy shows he likes you by being mean to you" that young girls have to endure. - Absolutely this. We should not be encouraging this kind of attitude and for heavens sake please don't ever tell young girls that boys are hitting them/being mean to them because they fancy them. It's little wonder women stay with abusive arseholes when we're taught that mean and unkind behaviour from a man means they like us - it rarely does, it usually just means they're mean and unkind.

youarenotkiddingme · 02/02/2017 17:53

Sorry OP but as I read your post I started singing that song from Miss Congeniality in my head.

He wants to kiss you....... Blah blah blah

Niskayuna · 02/02/2017 17:55

I find the "he likes you!!!1" advice really alarming - haven't we all moved on from the playground? Aren't we raising our daughters to speak up for themselves and not tolerate name-calling, hair-pulling and other harassment because "he likes you!" teaching them to equate poor behaviour with affection? Didn't we evolve away from the 90s mantras of "treat them mean" and 00's "negging"?

Men who stand there slagging off women do not like you. They hate you. That's why they're standing there slagging you off. It's not a Scooby Doo mystery.

The question is, why was he so nice and then suddenly turned when his mates were there?

Closet violent misogynist who is 'angry' that you didn't reward his previous 'niceness' with the sex a 'nice' guy like him deserves. So, in front of his mates, he was putting you down as the frigid snobby bitch you are. The words of the aggressive-dating crowd, not mine.

He does like you but he likes his mates a lot more. They deemed you not attractive enough for their exacting standards, and so he went along 'agreeing' that you were also not attractive and mocked you in front of them.

I can't decide which is worse, to be honest.

There's a possible 3. "Negging." By making negative comments and put-downs, the women will feel bad and will make more of an effort to attract and engage the man. She will apologise for her bad dress, she will be hurt by his lack of affection and try to seek it out again. He's read a bad, men's-rights-style dating manual and thought this would do the trick.

Still a tool.

Honestly, write him off. Whatever his aim was, he plays dangerous games and tries to manipulate. He isn't honest. One of his personas - either the nice guy or the nasty one - is an act.

"Hi. You know, you were a total dick to me at your leaving do. No idea why. Anyway, we'll probably not cross paths again, so just delete. Have a nice whatever."

GeneralTFuckup · 02/02/2017 17:55

Gorgeous dress OP! I might have to buy one!

GeneralTFuckup · 02/02/2017 17:57

And yes, I think from your post that he acted like a total tool. He may well want to ask you out but he's gone about it in the wrong way.

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