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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end all contact with what was once a lovely work colleague?

170 replies

smarties1991 · 02/02/2017 15:56

He was lovely when I worked with him. Very kind and always willing to help me out. We worked together for 8 months and although we never got to the point where we met up outside of work, I think this had more to do with the fact we only worked together for 8 months and had we worked together longer probably would have become friends outside of work too. We had a great time working together and he was only ever a perfect gentleman and kind.

It was his leaving do two weeks ago and he was horrid to me. When I arrived he looked at me, looked at the floor and away. And never made eye contact again. He made rude remarks about my dress, I burnt my hand on my soup and he wouldn't even pass me his napkin for me to wipe it off. He invited two of his friends along and once they arrived he turned his back on me and spoke to them only and shut me out of the conversation. When we were walking to the venue everyone was chatting and we were in front and he just walked ahead rather than do the normal thing and walk/chat with me. This left me awkwardly trailing behind.

It was only when I left to get my last train home that he stopped me and said he needed to get my new number as he had been told I had a new one. I really wish I'd declined giving him my number but didn't want to make a scene in front of everyone.

Two weeks later he is now texting me asking how I am getting on and if I've had any interviews.

I don't think I can stay in contact with him after his 'performance' on his leaving do. He was so rude and I genuinely don't think he was blanking me because of something I had done as I have never gossiped about him, never done anything that could possibly be taken the wrong way by him and the fact he got my number at the end shows he wasn't annoyed with me.

However, I feel bad ending contact over his behaviour at the leaving do which lasted 3 hours as opposed to his behaviour 5 days a week for 8 months.

But, I just can't see past how rude he was to me that evening.

AIBU to just cut contact?

OP posts:
iamapixiebutnotaniceone · 02/02/2017 18:00

Can't you just ask him why he behaved like he did? It would be a shame to lose a good friend over this.

LouKout · 02/02/2017 18:01

I don't think it aounds like he fancies you.

Not sure why people are obsessing that he does really. Just sounds rude.

user1483981877 · 02/02/2017 18:02

Wow, this thread has gone very serious. I guess nobody here ever gets nervous and forgets all social convention. Must be just me then!
I still stand by the idea that he fancies you and that your investment in him on this thread means there is something in how you feel about him, but of course you can ignore him/tell him to do one/get angry at him without him being aware, that is entirely up to you.

Velvian · 02/02/2017 18:02

Does the fact that "he heard you had a new number" have anything to do with it? Did he think you were going to let him leave without giving him your new number & you'd done it deliberately. Sounds like he was an arse, but we can alk be arsey at times.

user1483981877 · 02/02/2017 18:03

That dress is gorgeous though! I wouldn't be overly keen on someone who outright disapproved of what I wear, but my husband doesn't always like my clothes and it is certainly not a deal breaker as I am not always a fan of his either.

LouKout · 02/02/2017 18:05

I'd definitely avoid a relationship with someone who treated me like shit even before we were together, if you were thinking along those lines.

Hissy · 02/02/2017 18:06

I too would call him out on his rudeness and tell him that actually you'd rather time spent catching up with people was with people who valued you enough to be civil.

No wonder our society's so fucked up when we keep reinforcing this crap about if a bloke is a tosser to you it's because he likes you.

Well tough tits sunshine, I only like people who are nice to me.

ScarlettSahara · 02/02/2017 18:10

Unpleasant behaviour - not worth trying to understand why since it is unacceptable. I eiether would not respond or use the fairly neutral response suggested above of "I'm ok but surprised you got in touch after your behaviour at the party. Prat of the highest order.

Is he really likely to change? I agree he has shown you who he is and who can be bothered with dancing around like that? Sounds hard work to me.

ScarlettSahara · 02/02/2017 18:12

Oops sorry about the typos. Would not include Prat comment to him! but then ...Grin

minionsrule · 02/02/2017 18:27

He wasn't with his new GF was he? Sounds like the opposite of a recent thread where a woman said her new BF was all over her at a party as if trying to show an ex colleague that he wasn't interested in her....... just a thought Grin

kittybiscuits · 02/02/2017 18:32

Or boyfriend?

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 02/02/2017 18:37

You're waaaaay overthinking this. A colleague of eight months turns out not to be socially charming. You never need to be in touch with him again. What's the issue?

LittlePaintBox · 02/02/2017 18:40

You say you weren't friends because you didn't work together long enough, so never went out socially. But you believed you would have become friends in the course of time.

Well, this is your answer. He's socially inept and you wouldn't have been friends! Let it go.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 02/02/2017 18:43

OP if this was a complete one off (he's always been kind, a gent etc) then I wonder if it is possible he knew he'd miss you and found it hard to see you that night. Immature I know but not nasty. Is that a possibility?

Either way I'd probably let the friendship dwindle - as I'm not sure either of you are getting anything out of it.

By the way someone once said to me (years ago) 'your hair looks old-fashioned' - he corrected himself - he meant 'retro' - I think! It was not meant to be a slur - genuinely - he just didn't have a way with words to say the least.

(Gorgeous dress).

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/02/2017 18:45

Why don't you just ask him?

X, I have tried to look past your behaviour at your leaving do, but I cannot. You were just so rude to me, so unlike how you behaved until then, that I feel I don't know you at all. For example (give him a couple of examples). Can you please explain what the hell all that was about?

ClopySow · 02/02/2017 18:45

I think he likes you too. I also think he's socially inept, emotionally retarded and a misogynistic twat and doesn't deserve another second of your time, unless you're going to reply and say "i would have kept in touch, but you were such an arsehole to me at your leaving do that i'm not overly fussed now"

Serialweightwatcher · 02/02/2017 18:52

I'd text him and ask what he thought he was playing at - wonder if someone else there had been jealous of your good working relationship and had stirred it beforehand - you never know, but you need to ask him because how can you continue without clearing the air for your benefit

GimmeeMoore · 02/02/2017 19:04

He fancies you,hasn't cracked a light bout it and as a consequence is acting like a tit

GimmeeMoore · 02/02/2017 19:06

And yes cease contact because he's unpleasant.you don't need to tolerate it

cafesociety · 02/02/2017 19:33

If someone treated me like that, practising duplicity, I wouldn't bother with them full stop. Even if I fancied them I would go off them there and then. Imagine what a relationship would be like...full of mind games headfucks , second guessing and feeling confused and on eggshells.

He sounds immature and insensitive to others to say the least. Why would anyone go forward with someone who shows they 'care' like this in a friendship or relationship? It's just bizarre and a recipe for trouble.
Walk away.

A very long time ago I was told that someone at a party who was hitting me playfully [annoyingly] liked me...and I didn't get it at all. Fast forward to a meeting at a nightclub and I was told for a couple of hours how awful another person was, that they were being avoided them like the plague, and disliked and not respected, they were a nuisance. Next thing you know they were a couple. Lucky escape for me.

That was a lesson well learnt, it seems there is a certain personality type who likes humiliating women and/or putting them down behind their back and being duplicitous. Not a nice character.

ImperialBlether · 02/02/2017 20:00

OP, have you posted about this guy before? I remember another thread about a weird guy at work who wouldn't be left alone with the poster.

user1471545174 · 02/02/2017 21:27

I think it's as clear as day that he fancies OP.

Just trying to work out if the negging is pick-up artist style or if he is just very, very shy and awkward.

MsJudgemental · 02/02/2017 21:36

Yep, he fancies you. Once got on really well with a man I worked with- he was married and I was living with a long-term partner. I did fancy him although he wasn't my type at all. Another work colleague made a jokey public statement in the office about him fancying me and he immediately changed towards me, becoming cold and quite nasty. The following few months were very uncomfortable and he only behaved normally after the other colleague and myself were made redundant and we met at a (ex) work's private view which we had both been responsible for.

MsJudgemental · 02/02/2017 21:38

About the married man fancying me, not the other colleague.

Original poster
smarties1991 · 02/02/2017 22:50

Thanks everyone. Who knows if he fancies me. I've decided to block him on facebook as I don't think I can overlook the way he was on the leaving do and also, he's never apologised.

He might fancy me who knows. I've seen the other thread with the woman's boyfriend and him flrting in front of her.

This work colleague did flirt with his friends but I didn't feel it was infront of me or for display.

OP posts:
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