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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end all contact with what was once a lovely work colleague?

170 replies

smarties1991 · 02/02/2017 15:56

He was lovely when I worked with him. Very kind and always willing to help me out. We worked together for 8 months and although we never got to the point where we met up outside of work, I think this had more to do with the fact we only worked together for 8 months and had we worked together longer probably would have become friends outside of work too. We had a great time working together and he was only ever a perfect gentleman and kind.

It was his leaving do two weeks ago and he was horrid to me. When I arrived he looked at me, looked at the floor and away. And never made eye contact again. He made rude remarks about my dress, I burnt my hand on my soup and he wouldn't even pass me his napkin for me to wipe it off. He invited two of his friends along and once they arrived he turned his back on me and spoke to them only and shut me out of the conversation. When we were walking to the venue everyone was chatting and we were in front and he just walked ahead rather than do the normal thing and walk/chat with me. This left me awkwardly trailing behind.

It was only when I left to get my last train home that he stopped me and said he needed to get my new number as he had been told I had a new one. I really wish I'd declined giving him my number but didn't want to make a scene in front of everyone.

Two weeks later he is now texting me asking how I am getting on and if I've had any interviews.

I don't think I can stay in contact with him after his 'performance' on his leaving do. He was so rude and I genuinely don't think he was blanking me because of something I had done as I have never gossiped about him, never done anything that could possibly be taken the wrong way by him and the fact he got my number at the end shows he wasn't annoyed with me.

However, I feel bad ending contact over his behaviour at the leaving do which lasted 3 hours as opposed to his behaviour 5 days a week for 8 months.

But, I just can't see past how rude he was to me that evening.

AIBU to just cut contact?

OP posts:
languagelearner · 02/02/2017 16:31

Since it was one negative evening and eight months of positive working together, why don't you test it by meeting him over a coffee?

FetchezLaVache · 02/02/2017 16:32

I can't believe that so many people seem to be encouraging the OP to give it a go with someone who may (or may not) have expressed his amorous interest in her by being really fucking rude.

I was going to suggest you base your reply (if any) on the likelihood of your professional paths crossing again in the future, but tbh I'm coming down in favour of Cockacidal's suggestion. "Why were you such an arsehole to me at your leaving do?". Just that!

EchidnasPhone · 02/02/2017 16:33

Exactly Justhereforthepoostories!! Why would anyone want to be with someone who's first instinct was to treat you like crap to show you they like you?? That's messed. Delete. Block. Move on.

IwasAM · 02/02/2017 16:34

What is 'negging'?

misses point of thread

Lovemusic33 · 02/02/2017 16:35

I would either ignore him or tell him how you feel, tell him you found his behaviour at the leaving do a bit odd.

It does sound like he may have a bit of a crush on you but if he does he needs to learn the correct way to ask a lady on a date instead of acting like a twat.

Original poster
smarties1991 · 02/02/2017 16:39

Before the leaving do he was lovely to me. BUT he would never be alone with me. He would avoid going for lunch with me so there was an element of discomfort around him being on his own with me and I do wonder if this was similar to the leaving do.

He's great when there's others around. As soon as it's just me and him he doesn't feel comfortable and in a social situation there's lots of possibility to be in a situation where it's just the two of us.

If we were just in the office together he would play music on his phone really loudly!!!

I've not connected the two before now

OP posts:
Fallonjamie · 02/02/2017 16:42

I'm another one that hates all the 'he's horrid so he must like you' crap women are socialised to believe. It might be the case with children but shouldn't apply to neurotypical adults.

It's one of the reasons some women don't see the red flags early in abusive relationships. 'He was so lovely at first but now he's cheating me like shit' and there's often the thought (or someone suggests it) saying 'I think he's so into you he's scared of his feelings/scared of getting hurt so he's pushing you away/pretending he's not invested'.

Men have cottoned onto this and it's frequently the excuse given by abusive twats. For fans of the comedy programme It's always sunny in Philadelphia - there's a whole episode dedicated to this technique so it's certainly well known!

ChaoticKate · 02/02/2017 16:44

Some people find leaving dos really difficult. I move regularly as part of my work and avoid having a leaving function like the plague because I find myself behaving exactly like that and I know it's horribly rude but I can't help it. I, and I'm sure many others, find transitions and people being nice to be very difficult and the most difficult interactions to manage have always been with the people I've got on with the best. If people ask me though, I will always explain. Ask him why he was rude, the reason may surprise you and whilst rudeness is inexcusable, sometimes it is an unintended consequence of considerable discomfiture.

DameDeDoubtance · 02/02/2017 16:44

Negging

Negging, as it is called, is in essence a trick. The idea is to undermine a woman's confidence by making backhanded or snide remarks – give a compliment with one hand, and take away with the other. It is about control, putting the man in charge of the interaction by pushing the woman to earn his approval.

Just lovely eh?

Fallonjamie · 02/02/2017 16:44

Treating not cheating

c3pu · 02/02/2017 16:44

"hi, hows things? What was going on at your leaving do, that isn't how you normally act towards me?"

CockacidalManiac · 02/02/2017 16:45

What is 'negging'?

A techniques used by Men's Right Activists, Pick Up Artists, and twats in general. It involves saying negative things to people to reduce their self -esteem and want you more.

CockacidalManiac · 02/02/2017 16:46

From your latest update, he sounds like a weirdo anyway.

SenseiWoo · 02/02/2017 16:47

I agree with Fallonjamie. Plus, it never happens in isolation. You will then get;
-his friends are teasing him about being too into you, so whenever you go out with them he starts being a cowbag;
-his mother isn't sure about you and his sister is just plain anti-social, so when you go round there he leaves you on your own being unpopular and has a good time with his family, reverting to his teenage self;

etc. etc. etc.

Life's too short.

ohtheholidays · 02/02/2017 16:47

The dress is gorgeous and I'd just ignore any texts he sends,he'll soon get the hint and from what you've now said about how he acted near you at work I think he thought you fancied him.

sonjadog · 02/02/2017 16:48

I generally give people the benefit of the doubt if they have been good people over a long period. Everyone can have an off day or come across wrongly, so I suggest instead of giving this one up, since he has been a good friend at work for the last 8 months, ask him directly what was going on at his leaving do. See what he says about that before you decide whether or not you want to cut contact (assuming you might want contact, if not then you are absolutely not obliged to give him a second chance).

Stormtreader · 02/02/2017 16:49

I would say that someone, probably someone at his do in fact, has been constantly "teasing" him about the two of you being in some kind of relationship and he was going overboard to prove to them that he does not fancy you.
Either that or his new girlfriend is very possessive and he was making sure she didnt hear reports of the two of you flirting.

SangtheSun · 02/02/2017 16:49

I was about to post say the same as Sensai.

Life's too short for this crap.

ActuallyThatsSUPREMECommander · 02/02/2017 16:51

I would agree that anyone who is really rude to you shouldn't be given a second chance but I don't read that he has behaved dreadfully to the OP - it was a big evening all focussing on him and his supposed bad behaviour does seem to be in the eye of the beholder. And "Old fashioned" definitely isn't an insult to a dress, it's just a slightly clueless attempt to describe it from a man struggling to prevent himself from saying "you look beautiful and I lurve you". Grin

reallyanotherone · 02/02/2017 16:52

Please stop excusing shitty behaviour as "i think he likes you". It conditions girls to accept it, even as far as physical abuse, because "it means he loves me".

No, it's just shit behaviour. Please watch this australian ad..

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_WcaIkWYuk

Peanutbutterrules · 02/02/2017 16:54

No excuse for being rude - as for the 'he fancies you' malarkey - ignore. He's a grown up and if he can't be nice to show he fancies you then yikes!

It's not cute, not boyish, or charming. Leave it.You'll only get more of the same down the line.

Orlandointhewilderness · 02/02/2017 16:54

I would ask him. He has been a friend for 8 months, it is worth finding out surely.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 02/02/2017 16:55

Smarties, your dress is really lovely.
Don't stay in touch with this socially inadequate creep.
That ship has well and truly sailed I hope, find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve. Blowing hot and cold will do your head in.

ShatnersBassoon · 02/02/2017 16:55

Ignore the dick. He was a pleasant colleague who is good in a group situation, that's all. No need to force a friendship out of it or even keep in contact.

ChasedByBees · 02/02/2017 16:58

I would ask for an explanation about the leaving do. Point out he ignored you all night, wouldn't help when you burnt yourself and was rude about your dress.

You deserve an explanation- it doesn't matter whether he fancies you or not.

It could well have been that he felt sad that he wouldn't see you much anymore.

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