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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end all contact with what was once a lovely work colleague?

170 replies

smarties1991 · 02/02/2017 15:56

He was lovely when I worked with him. Very kind and always willing to help me out. We worked together for 8 months and although we never got to the point where we met up outside of work, I think this had more to do with the fact we only worked together for 8 months and had we worked together longer probably would have become friends outside of work too. We had a great time working together and he was only ever a perfect gentleman and kind.

It was his leaving do two weeks ago and he was horrid to me. When I arrived he looked at me, looked at the floor and away. And never made eye contact again. He made rude remarks about my dress, I burnt my hand on my soup and he wouldn't even pass me his napkin for me to wipe it off. He invited two of his friends along and once they arrived he turned his back on me and spoke to them only and shut me out of the conversation. When we were walking to the venue everyone was chatting and we were in front and he just walked ahead rather than do the normal thing and walk/chat with me. This left me awkwardly trailing behind.

It was only when I left to get my last train home that he stopped me and said he needed to get my new number as he had been told I had a new one. I really wish I'd declined giving him my number but didn't want to make a scene in front of everyone.

Two weeks later he is now texting me asking how I am getting on and if I've had any interviews.

I don't think I can stay in contact with him after his 'performance' on his leaving do. He was so rude and I genuinely don't think he was blanking me because of something I had done as I have never gossiped about him, never done anything that could possibly be taken the wrong way by him and the fact he got my number at the end shows he wasn't annoyed with me.

However, I feel bad ending contact over his behaviour at the leaving do which lasted 3 hours as opposed to his behaviour 5 days a week for 8 months.

But, I just can't see past how rude he was to me that evening.

AIBU to just cut contact?

OP posts:
Original poster
smarties1991 · 02/02/2017 16:19

Nah he was being rude. Maybe it was more discomfort about being around me out of the context of work. The office is a 'safe' environment. Maybe he worried in a social context I would try and jump on him!

OP posts:
tanfield90 · 02/02/2017 16:20

Male perspective here. I concur that this fellow is highly likely to be into you, IYSWIM. I admit I have behaved very badly in a similar fashion in similar circumstances towards a few ladies in my time. All of them floated my boat. I'm not proud of this. Some of us are, shall we say, lacking emotionally.

Original poster
smarties1991 · 02/02/2017 16:21

Apparently my dress was old-fashioned.

www.oasis-stores.com/gb/clothing/dresses/isla-lace-dress/061281.html?dwvar_061281_color=13&position=37&cgid=dresses#page=4&start=37&categoryID=dresses

It was this one and it looked beautiful on.

OP posts:
Teepish · 02/02/2017 16:21

Whether he fancies you or not, that is really childish, rude behaviour from a grown man! Reply to his texts if you want but he's shown you who he actually is on that night out.

Thefitfatty · 02/02/2017 16:21

I'd like more information about your relationship before HIS leaving do. Do you think, maybe, he didn't think you were as close as you do? Were you expecting more attention from him at the party, but didn't get it because maybe he wanted to spend more time with people who are actually his friends?
What did he say about your dress?

SurlyValentine · 02/02/2017 16:22

I'm not saying his behaviour at the leaving do was that of a normal, rational adult by the way, and if I was in your shoes and he did ask me out, I'd have to think very carefully about it. I'd also be asking him why he had been so unkind, and paying attention to his answers. As the old Mumsnet adage goes, when someone is telling you who they are, you ought to listen.

CockacidalManiac · 02/02/2017 16:23

Personally, I'd text him for an explanation of why he was such an arsehole that night. Then I'd decide what to do depending on what he's replied.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 02/02/2017 16:23

god its like those boys at school that hit you/picked on you when they fancied you
what a muppet

loobyloo1234 · 02/02/2017 16:23

He definitely likes you OP Smile

Thefitfatty · 02/02/2017 16:23

Old fashioned is not necessarily an insult...

livefornaps · 02/02/2017 16:24

GORGEOUS DRESS

"Old fashioned" is SUCH an odd remark. Basically, you had enough of a wow impact to prompt a remark and it came out all wrong. Believe me.

I'm not advocating this kind of behaviour either, it drives me up the wall...! Thanks for the male perspective @tanfield

CockacidalManiac · 02/02/2017 16:24

Nice dress, though.

SurlyValentine · 02/02/2017 16:25

Apparently my dress was old-fashioned.

Oooh, has he left your company because he's going to be the new editor of Vogue? If not, his comments on your dress are irrelevant (and if he is going to be the new editor of Vogue, I'd still think they were irrelevant!).

FWIW, I am not going to be the new editor of Vogue and I think that dress is lovely.

HyacinthsBucket · 02/02/2017 16:26

I would ask him outright why he was so rude to you the last time you met, but then seems to want to continue contact?! It's not like you've got anything to lose by it............

BaDumShh · 02/02/2017 16:26

Another one saying to put on your big girl pants and just text him.

"Hi X, thanks for your text. I'd have loved to have met you for a coffee but I'm feeling a bit confused and hurt about how you acted at your leaving do. You were quite rude and dismissive towards me and ignored me for most of the evening. Did I do something to upset you? If so, I'd prefer to know."

PaintingOwls · 02/02/2017 16:27

Do you want a relationship with this man?

Do you want a friendship with an adult who acts like a stroppy, immature teenager at the school disco?

How old is he?

CockacidalManiac · 02/02/2017 16:27

But, honestly?
Only little boys and arseholes behave like that if they fancy someone.

livefornaps · 02/02/2017 16:27

That's the thing, it's such a weird remark! You'd only say it to someone you fancy. Classic negging.

Fidelia · 02/02/2017 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saladsmoothie · 02/02/2017 16:27

My first thought on reading the OP was that he'd taken cocaine (or whatever the equivalent is these days) as a little chaser on his night out. That's why he wasn't himself and was brash and rude. Lots of people take something on a night out but wouldn't dream of doing so in the office.

Original poster
smarties1991 · 02/02/2017 16:28

He's started seeing someone. So he's not interested.

Males can be strange creatures though.

I just don't see how I can just act normal and stay in contact after the way he was.

OP posts:
Original poster
smarties1991 · 02/02/2017 16:29

He's single. Always has been but I think he might have started dating someone as he's put up a few pics of him and a woman on his twitter account which I'm presuming is his new girlfriend.

OP posts:
Purplepicnic · 02/02/2017 16:29

Listen to tanfield He speaketh the truth.

WinnieFosterTether · 02/02/2017 16:30

If you want permission to end all contact, then I'll give you permission.'You don't need to answer him or see him again ever' Grin

He may have been nervous. You may have been over sensitive. He may be madly in love with you and not know how to express it but, here's the thing, it doesn't matter. You don't owe him anything just because he may or may not have a crush on you. Unless you are both incredibly young, then you're perfectly entitled to limit yourself to relationships with grown-ups who know how to express themselves.

SurlyValentine · 02/02/2017 16:30

I just don't see how I can just act normal and stay in contact after the way he was.

Then don't! You don't owe him a damn thing!