WIBU to this rude man on the train?

[Tabbylady]

Sometimes I commute by train. Today coming home I was at a table with a woman & baby opposite me and man next to me. I've seen the man a few times- it's a small train and we obviously do a similar commute.

I had smiled at the woman and commented on her cute baby before the man got on. The woman started to breastfeed her baby and almost immediately the man started making disgusted noises and told her to "go and do that in the toilet". She seemed really shocked/speechless.

I said excuse me but she isn't bothering me and I'm opposite her, pointed out that it's illegal to stop someone from breastfeeding in public now, and invited him to go and eat his smelly egg sandwich in the toilet instead. He wasn't really having any of it and said she was flaunting herself, to think of the effect it might have on "those boys" (a table of oblivious teenagers halfway down the train). The woman was now in tears. I'd had a bad day at work and lost the plot a bit.

For context, I work in criminal justice. I was working on my laptop on a presentation on sex offenders I'm due to do, where I have some expertise. (OK to do on a train, it's in the public domain and no graphic images etc!) but did notice him peering at my laptop screen.

I told him, very loudly, that if he was unable to cope with the merest sight of breast in a completely appropriate, public context and was finding himself uncontrollably aroused then I was seriously concerned that he was some kind of sexual deviant and should seek help immediately. I did this in a very earnest, straight-faced, concerned-for-your-health and totally PA way. People nearby noticed, and laughed. He was all flustered, went scarlet and buried himself in the Metro.

I got off at the same stop as the woman and apologised to her as I did not want to have embarassed her. She said it was ok and that she wasn't embarrassed, nice to have been stuck up for etc so I know I did broadly the right thing there.

But did I take it too far with the man? He was being really awful, but I was pretty rude and he was clearly embarrassed. I'll probably see him again on the train. Do I need to apologise to him too??

I'm imagining him on oldmansnet complaining about this nasty random young(ish) woman who accused him in public of being a sex offender!!!

Thank you for doing what you did and saying what you said.

I wish I'd had that strength and quickness of thought when I was breastfeeding.

I don't see why on earth you should apologise to the man, he clearly has some serious issues in his attitude towards women and I don't think what you said was all that savage, given the context.

If a bloke can't handle a woman breastfeeding, he probably has a serious problem. It's most likely to be related to having been raised in a patriarchal society where breasts - in fact, women - are framed as sexual objects, but that doesn't make it ok.

So what if he was clearly embarrased? What's worse - being embarrased after behaving like an arse or being made to cry in public for no reason after doing nothing wrong at all?

Men like that are the problem.

Bravo!!!!

Quite right, Barbarian and sorry OP- you said sexual deviant, not sex offender! Still a bit too strong, but nowhere near as bad as what I said you'd said.

My male thoughts:
I never have any objection to a woman getting one or more breasts out for any reason. I am aware that there are some religions that think that it is immodest in the sight of god to show naked legs, wrists, or even a womans face. So, if you expose any of these things or more, then I guess there is risk you might offend some male at some time. I think that the breastfeeding woman was doing a thing of love that is the most natural thing in the world that can never be wrong . Also, you were brave and did the right thing in defending this woman.

You were being a hero!

🖕To this uneducated ignoramus!

X

Another Well Done from me OP, you did exactly the right thing.

YANBU. He was a tosser and he deserved what he got. Hopefully he'll think better of opening his mouth next time.

'she was flaunting herself' is just like 'she was asking for it', really, isn't it? And both need to be cracked down on.

I do worry though that instead of making him feel embarrassed and guilty I've just made him feel embarrassed and angry and he'd be even more of a dick next time he sees someone BF- which is why I am/was considering apologising.

I honestly think hope the opposite would happen - he might be looking over his shoulder for avenging angels to descend upon him and might think twice before being so nasty again.

If I'd been on the train I probably would have stood up and applauded after you'd said that to him. Well done, I hope he thinks twice next time.

Hero . .. . But cue Metro headline tomorrow. . .

Arse. Only read your op and came to say you should report him for harassing a mother and baby on the train.

From a breastfeeding mother to you, OP....

Thank you

I think OP was great up until the sexual deviancy comments given her line of work. That was a step too far and unprofessional.

I work in MH (have also worked with many sex offenders). If someone was being a twat in public and a colleague said 'I think your response to this suggests you may be mentally unwell and should seek help' especially with the patronising faux 'concerned professional voice' that OP said she used, I would consider that really unprofessional. Our employers and governing bodies would too if it was brought to their attention.

I have worked alongside criminal justice workers and don't know anyone that would consider this appropriate and professional conduct.

Up to that point though - brilliant.

where do these things happen?!!! on fbook breastfeeding groups I regularly see r

If only more people dared speak out and stick up for others. I've been verbally abused and shouted at while pregnant on a train- no-one stuck up for me on a train and physically assaulted on a packed train- no-one did a thing, even while I then sat there in shocked tears. I speak out for others but so few people dare. Well done OP!!

Well done you, she was feeding her baby, using her breasts, what nature intended. He was a sexist chauvanistic pig, big pat on the back! for you.

He was a total twat. Thank you for being a hero OP.

Unfortunately I reckon that type of small man will take out his embarrassment on someone else who doesn't have anyone to stick up for them.

I told a man to stop harassing a woman on a train the other day - as soon as I stuck up for her other people around came ot her aid as well.

where do these things happen?!!! I regularly see reports of events like these on breastfeeding fbook groups. I can't imagine any man being brave enough or stupid enough to pull a stunt like this where I live

If only I could think so quickly on my feet.

You did brilliantly OP, well done you.

Apologising will only undermine what you assertively told him.
I wouldn't hesitate to tell someone if they spoke to someone like that.
Hopefully he will learn from today.

Well done, OP. I think you made a valid point - he saw a perfectly normal behaviour, interpreted it as sexual and a threat, and used that as an excuse to upset and humiliate someone. Who knows whether he will think of it like that, but maybe he will or maybe he will tell someone who will explain it.

As an aside, and to increase your hero status even more, you could contact the train company and ask them to display breastfeeding feeding wall stickers in their train carriages.

You are a do not apologise!

Op was totally right, she was not in a professional capacity, she took care of a nasty bully, intimidating a bf mother. Good on her, she did well.