WIBU to this rude man on the train?

[Tabbylady]

Sometimes I commute by train. Today coming home I was at a table with a woman & baby opposite me and man next to me. I've seen the man a few times- it's a small train and we obviously do a similar commute.

I had smiled at the woman and commented on her cute baby before the man got on. The woman started to breastfeed her baby and almost immediately the man started making disgusted noises and told her to "go and do that in the toilet". She seemed really shocked/speechless.

I said excuse me but she isn't bothering me and I'm opposite her, pointed out that it's illegal to stop someone from breastfeeding in public now, and invited him to go and eat his smelly egg sandwich in the toilet instead. He wasn't really having any of it and said she was flaunting herself, to think of the effect it might have on "those boys" (a table of oblivious teenagers halfway down the train). The woman was now in tears. I'd had a bad day at work and lost the plot a bit.

For context, I work in criminal justice. I was working on my laptop on a presentation on sex offenders I'm due to do, where I have some expertise. (OK to do on a train, it's in the public domain and no graphic images etc!) but did notice him peering at my laptop screen.

I told him, very loudly, that if he was unable to cope with the merest sight of breast in a completely appropriate, public context and was finding himself uncontrollably aroused then I was seriously concerned that he was some kind of sexual deviant and should seek help immediately. I did this in a very earnest, straight-faced, concerned-for-your-health and totally PA way. People nearby noticed, and laughed. He was all flustered, went scarlet and buried himself in the Metro.

I got off at the same stop as the woman and apologised to her as I did not want to have embarassed her. She said it was ok and that she wasn't embarrassed, nice to have been stuck up for etc so I know I did broadly the right thing there.

But did I take it too far with the man? He was being really awful, but I was pretty rude and he was clearly embarrassed. I'll probably see him again on the train. Do I need to apologise to him too??

I'm imagining him on oldmansnet complaining about this nasty random young(ish) woman who accused him in public of being a sex offender!!!

I think it was good to be supportive and to make it clear to the man his attitude was unacceptable. I could not condone the waynyoundid it though and may have had greater long term effect but educating rather than ranting.

Oh I'm so glad you did that, and don't think you should worry about apologising. If you see him again then just avoid his gaze rather than feeling the need to acknowledge him in any way. If I was that lady I would feel very grateful to you; she probably didn't feel like she was in a position to stand up to him, so it's great that you were there.

👏🏻👏🏻 to you OP

OP
Sorry to sound doubtful but did it genuinely happen like you have said it happened. It just sounds so perfectly cliche... IYSWIM. For example did she really cry? Did he really make 'disgusted' noises. Sorry to doubt you but it just sounds a bit too good to have happened exactly as you have said. BTW I'm definitely not intending to troll hunt, I'm just questioning the details.

great job you - you are a hero among women!

You not only taught the nasty old badger a lesson but also the young lads and anyone else within earshot. Go you!

If he was so offended at the sight of a mother feeding her baby, he could have moved.

Instead, he chose to impose his opinion on the mother when none was asked for. So, you imposed your opinion on him, when none was asked for.

And by that reasoning, your actions are a well aimed, mirror punishment!!

(and way to go you - so refreshing to see women supporting other women)

Fantastic! Well done. It sounds like he won't do that again! And do not even think of apologising.

OP I wish I could give you a massive hug

Mel
I have read so many posts on parenting forums about how women were treated when bf in public I have no doubt that it did happen and does happen quite regularly. And even if it didnt I would hope that in any circumstance where a nursing mum was getting abuse that we would all speak up and put the offender in their place.

Women cant always be discreet! Babies dont always latch on properly in 2 seconds, they dont always like to be under cover, its a bonding experience you should be able to see your baby if you chose to. Would an adult eat under a wrap? FFS women have breasts to feed their babies, the sexual side is just a bonus! If you cant deal with it dont look.

If eveyone did this then there would be less need for women to be scared to bf in public, less ignorant people suggesting that we feed our kids in bloody toilets, and more happy people who just chill out instead of poking their noses into other peoples business all round.

Willow. I wasn't doubting that someone was being stroppy about someone BF'ing it was the script perfect way the OPs version played out. I was just questioning it. I think the thing that I doubted the most was the OP asking Mumsnet if she should apologise to the man. Fair enough if I'm wrong but if this happened as she said it did can't imagine she was actually wondering whether she should apologise to him. IYSWIM

Anyway, I'll leave the thread as I'll get end up getting myself deleted.

High Five Op

I understand you felt really riled up, but I do feel that people who express themselves by resorting to low putdowns as you did, rather undermine their own argument. If you had kept your cool your argument would have been more powerful. Just my opinion. Although I wouldn't apologise to him now, just move on.

OP, you are awesome. I don't think there's anything wrong about meeting rudeness with rudeness.
crocodarl my very -annoying- sweet second child has gone through a long phase (from 3 to 7.5 months so far) of refusing to take a feed in public, or indeed anywhere except lying down in bed. Two mouthfuls, unlatch, look around, milk spraying everywhere, and then cranky cranky cranky because she's hungry. It's maddening and means I'm constantly having to go home to feed. She's showing signs of greater cooperation, she took a half feed out at the weekend so I'm hoping it improves, but I fed DS everywhere for 20 months, and could count on one hand the successful feeds she's taken outside the house in the past 4 months. So it might not be embarrassment or whatever stopping your friend!

You did take it too far and it's unprofessional for someone in your kind of job to be publicly accusing people of sexual deviancy. So I hope you have exaggerated it a bit.

It's a well dine for me too op.

The red mist descended on me at the "go and do it in the toilet" (the train toilet??). I'd have punched him, the ignorant twat!

No, you were great. I admire you. Don't apologise to him - it will negate what you just did and make him even more cocky.

Go you!!! Amazing!!!

I don't even like using train toilets for their proper purpose. I certainly wouldn't want to eat or feed in one

Brilliant. Great response, something I would have loved to do myself, or very proud to see someone do. I'm a bloke by the way, and my only concern would have been that I might embarrass the breast feeding mum with my presence . The man's a duck, albeit a small one

I think those men (and some women!) are few and far between (hopefully). I cannot imagine anyright minded person being offended and also who would even think it was ok for a woman to breastfeed in a toilet! Ok I know some places have baby changing rooms but I don't think BR have thought of that!

Silly man.

If you see him again just give him a pitying look.

OK HumpHumpWhale fair point, I hadn't thought of that... thanks!

Well done OP! I would have loved to have seen it.

Yep @melorsue

Good for you!
Don't apologise, he doesn't deserve it!