Should I change DDs name for my mum?

[DogsKidsandchocolate]

A bit of background first, I have two boys from a previous relationship. One has my dad's name as a middle name and one has exh's dad's name as a middle name.

I should also add I don't have the best relationship with my mum. She doesn't make much effort to see us and we have never been close.

I had DD a couple of weeks ago. However due to complications we only came home on Friday. While I was in hospital I didn't want to make a final decision on DD s name. Now I'm home we are pretty sure about DDs name

I really want her middle name to be MILs first name. So we sent a text out on Monday to family telling them the name we have chosen. My mum didn't reply.

So my mum and sister came to visit DD for the first time today. Before they arrived I texted them and told them that I am still pretty unwell so could they arrive after DH had done the school run that way he can make cups of tea and run round etc.
They agreed to this, however they ended up coming just before the school run because they wanted to talk to me without DH there.

When DH left they started questioning me as to why we gave DD MIL s name rather than my mum's. I explained that we thought MILs name worked better , she will also be DH s only DC as we aren't having anymore. Also I reminded them that my mum always says that she hates her name as its old fashioned.
They said they understood that but still thought I was being really horrible and they weren't sure they could forgive me. But they would still stay because they wanted to see the DCs.

So DH arrived back with the older DCs and my mum and sister were really making a fuss of them, much more than they usually do. The DCs were finding this a bit full on so I sent them to change and grab a snack to give them a bit of space. I asked my mum if she wanted to hold DD for a little, while the boys were busy.

She said no she didn't want to hold DD as she obviously wasn't important enough to be included in her name. When the boys came back they asked her if she had held DD yet. So she stood up and grabbed DD from me.

DD of course started crying and my mum started saying that DD obviously hated her. She then handed her to my sister and stormed out of the house. My sister gave her to DH and ran after my mum.

My mum then text me about an hour ago saying some really awful stuff which really upset me. I haven't replied to it yet.
My sister has also text me saying I have made an awful mistake and I needed to rethink the name ASAP.

But I still love DDs name the way it is.

So AIBU to keep DD s name and cause this awful family fall out or should I change DDs name to keep the peace?

I am so sorry about their disgusting behaviour - please don't let it spoil your first says with your new DD. Absolutely on no account should you give in and change her name - how dare they try to blackmail you over your child!

They sound unstable and if you give in over this will simply find something else to be resentful about.

Could you add a second middle name?

Don't add a second middle name. Change nothing. If my family members behaved like that I'd tell them to fuck off. Literally. Twats.

I wouldn't be picking up the phone to either of them ever again at any point soon.

Dh tried to get dd to have grandmothers middle names. Nope. My mothers name, definitely not thank you. Ditto great grandmothers. No way. One name without the other would have caused massive upset with my mother. You've really put your head on the block with this one unfortunately. All the same sex biological grandparents have had their names honoured bar your mother. For the sake of peace, it would have been better to have neither grandmas or your mothers as a 3rd name.

Anyway. It's done now and probably for the best as you've outed her now if you were under any illusion that she's got the baby's best interest at heart. Because it really is all about her. And no, I wouldn't change the name to keep the peace. You made a decision. Stick with it.

Congratulations on your little girl.

What's her name? Your mum I mean.

Keep your DD's name. Don't pander to your 'D'M at all - because, as others have said, that way madness lies! If you give in to her demand/your sister's attempt to keep your 'D'M pacified, then they'll take that inch you'll have given them... and they'll insist you give two inches, the next time. Then three inches, and so on until they have a mile.

On some level, I can understand her hurt at not having been included in your DD's name. However, I don't think that this is solely because you've named DD after your MIL. I suspect that she would have thrown the same tantrum about any name that isn't hers. People who think the world revolves solely around them are like that, I'm afraid.

When my DD was born, many, many moons ago, my mother spent my pregnancy telling me that when her baby was born, we (meaning she) were going to bestow upon her little bald head a weird made-up name that just so happened to be an amalgamation of my mother's first and middle names... I remember smiling serenely and ignoring her waffle, until my DD was born - and I announced the name which had been chosen for her the moment I knew she was going to be a girl. My mother's face dropped. I remember the midwife (who was lovely) looking bemused - especially as she'd been forced to deliver a beautiful baby to the dulcet tones of my mother's whining about how she'd "had" to miss her favourite soap on TV because I'd "refused" to give birth half an hour earlier (I hadn't, the labour was ridiculously quick, and I followed my instincts/the midwife's instructions...). Whilst my DD was being checked over and cleaned, whilst I lay perfectly still, catching my breath and listening to my new baby cry her little lungs out, my mother was tantruming about the fact that the name which had been chosen? Was the name of the dog I grew up with My mother also refused to hold my DD when she was a newborn, for very similar reasons that your 'D'M claimed. Purely because I'd given her a name which I loved, one that wasn't some weird made-up name to honour her, and because I wouldn't back down. DD is 20 now and actually visibly cringed when I told her what her grandmother (who backed down after a few days of sulking when she realised that if she didn't, she was the one who was going to miss out on DD... I suspect that your 'D'M will do the same!) wanted to name her. She suits her name, as I suspect your DD does hers, too.

Stick to your guns, OP. This is your baby, not your 'D'M's. You and your DH have made a decision and, I think, that if you cave in and change your DD's name entirely, or add onto it, that you'll regret it/feel a pang of sorrow every time you hear your child's name mentioned, or see it written down. If your 'D'M continues to sulk? Let her get on with it, without encouraging her in any way. That's the only thing that you can do with bullies - and she has bullied you. Quite horrendously, actually. Especially knowing that you're still recovering from having given birth. That is why they visited earlier than you'd asked them to. It had nothing to do with wanting to spend time with you/DD alone... it was purely because she believed/thought that she could bully you into doing what she wanted. Renaming your baby. And then the passive aggressive love-bombing of your older children, whilst refusing to hold the newest member of your family?! Again, bullying tactics, I'm afraid.

Hell NO! Do not change her name for this manipulative woman.

She has behaved very badly, particularly in front of your children. She could have managed the situation better.
That said, she is clearly very offended and upset and I can understand why. She may have coped with it better if you had had conversations about the names and why you chose them, rather than just announcing it.

You get to choose how much you want to repair the relationship. She is who she is, you know her best. How much of her do you want in your life? If you want to build the relationship add her name in to the middle. You don't have to use it. My son's have a family name which is never used, just there on the passport. If you don't want to rebuild the relationship, just ignore her drama.

My DGrandparents changed my DM's name to include a (dead) relatives name due to family pressure from my Great Grandad.

They always regretted it, not least as all the family then called her by that unwanted additional middle name. As soon as DM left to go University she reverted to her proper first name and as she hates that old fashioned middle name. But some of the older generation of the family still call her 'Our E' not 'Our P'.

YANBU. You are not causing the family fall out, they are. You were clear that DM never liked her name so it was never on the table for you and you've now picked a name that you like.
What you and DH need to deal with it the way they are treating you via text and the fact that they don't seem to care you've just got out of hospital with complications. Surely any caring member of the family would be looking after you (if they could) not turning up to badger you into changing a name.
are they always like this? Or is it because you're on DC #3 and usually cope well? As it's sounds like it would be no great loss if they flounced off.

God mumsnet does open your eyes to the world and the nutters that inhabit it. You'd think she was a 6 year old, rather than a not very good granny!

What a pair. Lots of good advice of how to tell them to fuck off, so I won't add to that - pick a response OP and enjoy your DD.

Totally agree with Contrary. Your mum is a Bully with a capital B.

Ignore her. Her loss if she wants to strop and doesn't pull herself together.

I've not got anything to add, just wanted to add my voice to the do not change her name brigade.

I'd just give her two middle names. I think it is a bit hurtful to your mum that you couldn't have thought about that. Also I find it difficult to believe people behave this way over this kind of thing

Had your mother just been a bit hurt but acted like a decent adult I might have suggested adding a second middle name and just never using it, I have 3 middle names for similar reasons, no one ever uses them.

However as she's acted like a bullying child you can't change the name now because it would mean her bullying had worked and make her more likely to do it in the future.

Can't believe her priorities are about baby's name rather than you op; having to stay so long in hospital after the birth is quite unusual these days and so you must have been quite unwell to have been kept in. Poor you, I hope you're feeling better now & congratulations on your new baby.
Stick to your guns re name as other pp's have already said. Your baby, your choice. She had her chance at names when naming you & your sister. Perhaps you should be thankful that she's not so narcissistic that she named you after her!!

Chloe84 and ImperialBlether why would anyone not tell the full name a new baby. This is virtually the only time (and joining a school, getting a certificate) when you even use a middle name.

Italian I think in OP's case, I would have called mum and told her we had decided on [first name]. If mum then asked what is baby's middle name, I would have said we haven't decided that yet. I would have avoided texting the full baby name to mum and sis. Fine to text others. Yes, mum/sis may eventually find out, but as OP doesn't see her mum much, things may have blown over.

Bear in mind that when I wrote my post, we had had very little info about OP's relationship with her mum (just that they don't get on and don't see her much). But as I said in my first post, OP should absolutely not change the baby's name and her mum sounds childish.

Don't change the name! They have behaved really horribly. I'm sorry you have all this added stress on top of the difficulties you have had

Of course, DG is still free to change her own name to match baby's name. Baby DD now has a name which can only be changed when she's old enough to decide to do so herself.

Contrary - we have to know the amalgamation made up name that your daughter avoided... please!

Listen to what Italiangreyhound has written.
Follow her advice as it is solid wise advice.

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter and try to enjoy this early stage by putting your mothers behaviour behind you. I'd ignore her until she can talk with you respectfully.

I agree with SadPandas', it would have been a good idea to give your baby two middle names in the first place.
I think your mum is being ridiculous, but since you are only too well aware of the way she carries on you might have expected this reaction and in the interests of peace and quiet, forestalled it.

Poor you. Ignore them both. Years ago I was astonished to get a "your mother is very upset" phone call from my dad when I gave my last daughter my own first name as a middle name and not DMs, which just like your mother she had never liked! I refused to change it and it has never been mentioned since. She is your daughter, call her what you want. Your mother had her chance at naming babies when you and your sister were born. And try not to let this spiteful jealousy spoil your enjoyment of your baby's early days.

Don't change the name. Don't have 2 middle names!

You don't get on with your mum, so why would you name your child after her? She isn't close to you or your baby. She'll be the type of GM who gloats about having a baby named after her won't get her hands dirty or play a huge part in DD's life. She didn't even come to see you when baby was born.

Please don't change the name, for all the reasons stated. If you change it to DMs name then every time you quote DD full name you will be reminded of this horrible event. Congratulations and enjoy your new daughter.