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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I change DDs name for my mum?

158 replies

DogsKidsandchocolate · 01/02/2017 21:01

A bit of background first, I have two boys from a previous relationship. One has my dad's name as a middle name and one has exh's dad's name as a middle name.

I should also add I don't have the best relationship with my mum. She doesn't make much effort to see us and we have never been close.

I had DD a couple of weeks ago. However due to complications we only came home on Friday. While I was in hospital I didn't want to make a final decision on DD s name. Now I'm home we are pretty sure about DDs name

I really want her middle name to be MILs first name. So we sent a text out on Monday to family telling them the name we have chosen. My mum didn't reply.

So my mum and sister came to visit DD for the first time today. Before they arrived I texted them and told them that I am still pretty unwell so could they arrive after DH had done the school run that way he can make cups of tea and run round etc.
They agreed to this, however they ended up coming just before the school run because they wanted to talk to me without DH there.

When DH left they started questioning me as to why we gave DD MIL s name rather than my mum's. I explained that we thought MILs name worked better , she will also be DH s only DC as we aren't having anymore. Also I reminded them that my mum always says that she hates her name as its old fashioned.
They said they understood that but still thought I was being really horrible and they weren't sure they could forgive me. But they would still stay because they wanted to see the DCs.

So DH arrived back with the older DCs and my mum and sister were really making a fuss of them, much more than they usually do. The DCs were finding this a bit full on so I sent them to change and grab a snack to give them a bit of space. I asked my mum if she wanted to hold DD for a little, while the boys were busy.

She said no she didn't want to hold DD as she obviously wasn't important enough to be included in her name. When the boys came back they asked her if she had held DD yet. So she stood up and grabbed DD from me.

DD of course started crying and my mum started saying that DD obviously hated her. She then handed her to my sister and stormed out of the house. My sister gave her to DH and ran after my mum.

My mum then text me about an hour ago saying some really awful stuff which really upset me. I haven't replied to it yet.
My sister has also text me saying I have made an awful mistake and I needed to rethink the name ASAP.

But I still love DDs name the way it is.

So AIBU to keep DD s name and cause this awful family fall out or should I change DDs name to keep the peace?

OP posts:
PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 01/02/2017 21:24

My sister wasn't pleased with the name I picked for dd. Caused an all out war. I stuck to my guns as I love her name. 11months later it's all forgotten about (kind of). Name your child how you want. Your mum had her turn at naming kids

Peanutandphoenix · 01/02/2017 21:26

Keep it don't whatever you do change it just to keep a batshit crazy person like your mum happy how a can a 2 week old baby hate her she cried because she ragged her off you. Your mum is class A plonker and she's acting like a spoilt brat over something as silly as a name. Keep the names you have chosen and tell your mum and sister that if they aren't happy about it then they can stay away from you and your family until they learn how to act like civil adults and not overgrown children.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 01/02/2017 21:26

Don't you dare change the name!! You stick with the one you chose and the one you and your DH were and should still be happy with. They sound like a pair of arseholes, how dare they be so horrid, just when they should be happy at a new DGD/DN! Let alone behaving that way to you as a very new mum and in front of your other children. Fuming on your behalf!

icecreamfairy · 01/02/2017 21:27

It sounds like your Mum is very hurt and that's resulted in her lashing out a bit. It's easy to behave badly when you're hurting - we've all done it.

If you want to try and repair the relationship the best thing you can do is just talk to her and reassure her that she has an important role to play in your DD's life (if, in fact, this is what you want). Let her spend some quality time with your DD.

Soubriquet · 01/02/2017 21:28

If your sister keeps badgering you, tell her she can have a baby and name it after your mum

Thetruthfairy · 01/02/2017 21:28

How selfish of them.

This should be the most wonderful time for your family. I am so cross on your behalf.
Get your hubby to drop round a letter explaining how they have made you feel. I wouldn't see them again until they apologise.

EweAreHere · 01/02/2017 21:28

Please please please do not change your DD's name.

You had a perfect right to choose the name you wanted to, and your choice makes perfect sense for and DH.

Your DM is a witch. And your sister caters to the witch for whatever reason. Not your problem.

I'd tell them they either pull themselves together and apologize for their outrageous demands, or they're not welcome in your life any more if it was me.

Life is too short. You don't need that kind of entitled BS in your life.

Chloe84 · 01/02/2017 21:29

WyfofBath

What? Who wouldn't tell the child's name to the grandparents?

No one, hence why I said OP should have just texted the first name.

middlings · 01/02/2017 21:30

Do not change that name!

Don't!

Although telling your own mother your child's name in a group text is odd.

MrsBlennerhassett · 01/02/2017 21:30

YANBU dont change the name. Your mother is being ridiculous and immature.

happypoobum · 01/02/2017 21:30

YANBU - fuck em.

If my DD or DS did the same thing, decided their MILS name fitted better, I honestly wouldn't take offence. Your DM sounds spoiled and pathetic. She has healthy GC and still wants to control it all.

I suspect you have been conditioned to appease her. Maybe it's tiem to change that? Flowers

AdoraBell · 01/02/2017 21:30

Definitely don't change it. If pushed explain that you decided not to change it because of your mum's attitude, rather than for her.

I hope you've told DH what was said while they had you on your own so he is fore warned if they try to persuade him.

Congrats on your new DD and I hope you feel better very soon. Thanks

LauraPalmersBodybag · 01/02/2017 21:31

I agree Midnight op, you have 3 children and each has a gp's name included in theirs. You have very decidedly left your mum out. She sounds like a drama llama and if you were expecting anything else, well, YABU.

That said, your mum sounds hard work and like she doesn't put the time in. I totally get you not wanting to use her name, but you made the undiplomatic choice and if you want to stick with the name, I guess you'll have to endure the fallout.

You could use both names to keep the peace?

Patriciathestripper1 · 01/02/2017 21:32

I think you probably knew the reaction you would get from your mum when the name was chosen.
You said that you arnt that close to your mum so either leave it as it is or add hers on as well so dd has two middle names to keep the peace.
If not I'd be prepared for nc with your mum as it sounds as though she won't let this drop.
Best of luck with your new arrival opFlowersWine

GrannyGoggles · 01/02/2017 21:33

And as I think you may know this is not about the name you've chosen for your daughter - I dearly hope that you are able to settle back at home with your sons and your little girl after what sounds like a difficult time

HolisticAssassin · 01/02/2017 21:33

I would have had two middle names tbh given the sons having had dads' and if your mum's was old fashioned then a derivative of it. Or I would have spoken with dsis in advance bribed her that she wanted to reserve the name for her future DD. It's done now. Up to you whether you think shit to it or add her name too (mine all have two middle names).

Original poster
DogsKidsandchocolate · 01/02/2017 21:34

Why would you text this to your mum? It's like you're rubbing her face in it.

I text it to her because we were announcing the name, had I just sent the first name she would have wondered why DD didn't have a middle name, or possibly thought I was hiding it from her.

I can see why she is upset. Though to be honest the boys only have their middle names because exh insisted on it. At the time I was really against it. She isn't the only one who's name won't be included FIL s won't, and exMil's wasn't.
Also my mum has always been very vocal about how she hates her name and how old fashioned it was and I have always thought that she wouldn't really want her name included.

OP posts:
ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 01/02/2017 21:34

Goodness they both sound awful.

I can imagine it smarted a bit when she found out, but her behaviour since has been appalling. As has your sister's.

Don't change it, you like her name the way it is and that's that. Also there will be a reason why you've not chosen your mum's name, and it won't purely be because your MILs goes better - your mum is basically proving your decision was right.

GooseFriend · 01/02/2017 21:34

Unanimous board OP! Keep the name!

Perhaps get rid of the drama lamas who come round when you are 3 days out of hospital, ambush you when your dp is out, refuse to hold a 3 week old baby, take a 3 week old baby crying as an affront and then, then, have the balls-out-brass-neck to say it's your fault.

Also, of course you had to text your mum her full name if you hadn't you would have been omitting on purpose putting you in s position of guilt for no reason.

HolisticAssassin · 01/02/2017 21:35

That said if my DD did this I would not be bothered at all as I am not that keen on my name.

RedSauce · 01/02/2017 21:35

I get so surprised to hear about grown adults acting so childishly. It's so pathetic. OP YANBU, and if my mother behaved the way yours is doing, I'd be furious and there's no way I'd have any interest in naming my child after her.

ConvincingLiar · 01/02/2017 21:36

Don't reward her appalling behaviour. What a cow she's being!

MockTurtleSoup · 01/02/2017 21:40

No way, she sounds fucking horrible.

Chippednailvarnishing · 01/02/2017 21:40

I could understand her reaction if you had called your DD Princess Shithead, but she is being completely ridiculous! Ignore her.

user1485516068 · 01/02/2017 21:41

I think it's fair the way you've done it - each set of grandparents has a child named after one of them. Sounds like your mil deserves to be named after, whereas your mum does not.