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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I change DDs name for my mum?

158 replies

DogsKidsandchocolate · 01/02/2017 21:01

A bit of background first, I have two boys from a previous relationship. One has my dad's name as a middle name and one has exh's dad's name as a middle name.

I should also add I don't have the best relationship with my mum. She doesn't make much effort to see us and we have never been close.

I had DD a couple of weeks ago. However due to complications we only came home on Friday. While I was in hospital I didn't want to make a final decision on DD s name. Now I'm home we are pretty sure about DDs name

I really want her middle name to be MILs first name. So we sent a text out on Monday to family telling them the name we have chosen. My mum didn't reply.

So my mum and sister came to visit DD for the first time today. Before they arrived I texted them and told them that I am still pretty unwell so could they arrive after DH had done the school run that way he can make cups of tea and run round etc.
They agreed to this, however they ended up coming just before the school run because they wanted to talk to me without DH there.

When DH left they started questioning me as to why we gave DD MIL s name rather than my mum's. I explained that we thought MILs name worked better , she will also be DH s only DC as we aren't having anymore. Also I reminded them that my mum always says that she hates her name as its old fashioned.
They said they understood that but still thought I was being really horrible and they weren't sure they could forgive me. But they would still stay because they wanted to see the DCs.

So DH arrived back with the older DCs and my mum and sister were really making a fuss of them, much more than they usually do. The DCs were finding this a bit full on so I sent them to change and grab a snack to give them a bit of space. I asked my mum if she wanted to hold DD for a little, while the boys were busy.

She said no she didn't want to hold DD as she obviously wasn't important enough to be included in her name. When the boys came back they asked her if she had held DD yet. So she stood up and grabbed DD from me.

DD of course started crying and my mum started saying that DD obviously hated her. She then handed her to my sister and stormed out of the house. My sister gave her to DH and ran after my mum.

My mum then text me about an hour ago saying some really awful stuff which really upset me. I haven't replied to it yet.
My sister has also text me saying I have made an awful mistake and I needed to rethink the name ASAP.

But I still love DDs name the way it is.

So AIBU to keep DD s name and cause this awful family fall out or should I change DDs name to keep the peace?

OP posts:

CherrySkull · 01/02/2017 22:23

don't change it keep it as it is.

HappyFlappy · 01/02/2017 22:24

Keep the name you want.

Your mother is being ridiculous!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 01/02/2017 22:36

OP, like you said, this is your DHs one and only baby, his DM is lovely, and kind. Don't spoil it for them, and you.
Your Mother behaved dreadfully. Her only concern should have been you, and her precious baby Granddaughter. She has had her time, baby naming, now it is your time, do not let her petulant behaviour, manipulate you, into changing your mind.

228agreenend · 01/02/2017 22:39

I can see why your mother would be hurt.

Can your daughter have two middle names?

Willow2016 · 01/02/2017 22:41

You and your Dh's baby - your decision end of.

Just cos she is your mum doesnt give her the right to chose the name and if she doesnt even like it why would she lumber a child with it too? Plus if she is a pretty crap mum she is even less entitled to have her say. If she makes no effort with her own daughter then why should she be entitled to anything back?

Its your dh's daughter too, you both get to agree on a name, no-one else.

And tell your sister to name her own dd after her mum if she is that bothered.

ArcheryAnnie · 01/02/2017 22:46

Your mum and your sis are behaving incredibly badly. Don't do anything you don't want to as a result of their bad behaviour.

And I'm so sorry you are getting this bullshit from them at a time when they should totally be there for you.

AliceThrewTheFookingGlass · 01/02/2017 22:48

I would be inclined to give her MILs first and middle name after that overreaction if I'm honest.

Lovewineandchocs · 01/02/2017 22:49

do not let her petulant behaviour, manipulate you, into changing your mind

Exactly. You and your DH have both picked a name you love and your mum and sister have behaved disgracefully. Don't hurt your MIL by changing the name to appease a pair of spoilt demanding brats. I wouldn't add her name as another middle name either if it were me. You and DH have chosen her name, end of. Congrats on your lovely new DD

sleeplesshell · 01/02/2017 22:50

Tell your sister to call any children she may have after your DM.

Id 100% not change the name even if asked politely. You've decided it, its your DH mothers name which is also your baby's grandmother.

I'd ignore your DM until I got an apology however long that took. Pair of absolute spanners.

DelphiniumBlue · 01/02/2017 22:52

You had a baby a couple of weeks ago, but your Mum and sister have only seen the baby for the first time today?
Am I the only one who thinks that is strange? Did she not bother to visit you in hospital then?
I'm normally all for being accommodating, called my own DS2 after my grandfather when it transpired that my grandmother was upset that DS1 hadn't been named after him, but in your case I really don't see why you would want to name your DD after someone who's so distant from you, and then turns up causing a scene.

Usernamegone · 01/02/2017 22:54

I presume if you sister has any DDs that they have you mums name as their middle name? Or was your sister able to choose her dd's name?

MrsEricBana · 01/02/2017 22:54

Definitely don't change it, this is madness. My ds has dh name as his middle name but dd doesn't have mine as her middle name as my name is naff and would sound awful. I am not wounded by this. If dh had been called Englebert we wouldn't have used it.
(So, just how bad is your mum's name then? )

neveradullmoment99 · 01/02/2017 22:55

She said no she didn't want to hold DD as she obviously wasn't important enough to be included in her name

She sounds so childish. Personally, I can kind of see how she feels left out but you are right, so are plenty of others in your family. She sounds really insecure, as if you are choosing your dh mum over her.
I wouldn't change the name, but like the suggestion that you could add another. If you dont like your mums name, what about a middle name she has or something that is on the same lines - charlotte, charlie, Katy, Kathyrn - like that.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 01/02/2017 22:58

Tell your sister to call any children she may have after your DM This.

Tell your mother that if she could have called you by her name if it meant that much to her.

When I saw the thread title I was all set to suggest your DD have two middle names. After reading your OP I am suggesting you do not call your DD anything remotely related to your mother because she is nasty and petulant and I wouldn't want my child associated with that behavior. Would you name your child after the family 'character'? No, you would not. Your mother I'm afraid is that character.

phoe6e · 01/02/2017 23:04

How awful of your mum to treat you like this two weeks after having a baby. Id go NC, concentrate on your own clan and new wee girl

PollytheDolly · 01/02/2017 23:06

One way to ensure your grandchild will never be named after you....

Behave like this.

Original poster

DogsKidsandchocolate · 01/02/2017 23:10

They didn't come and visit me in hospital as my sister was busy and my mum doesn't like visiting hospital because she says it's an uncomfortable atmosphere and she would rather be in a house.

OP posts:

acquiescence · 01/02/2017 23:13

Horrendous behaviour from your mum. I would find this unforgivable. You are her daughter and you have just been through childbirth. Is there a history of this sort of behaviour from her? She sounds like she has a personality disorder.

gamerchick · 01/02/2017 23:14

NEVER pander to a tantrum. Even if it is your mother!

She and your sister are out of line making a song and dance while you're vulnerable.

Seriously give your phone to your bloke and ask him to field any texts or calls. He needs to have your back atm and when you're a bit stronger and feeling more yourself tell them where to get off.

Congratulations

TheCraicDealer · 01/02/2017 23:20

I'd be tempted to text her back, "We thought about using your name but '[DD] Selfish Cunt [last name]' didn't have quite the same ring to it". But there's no going back from that

She sounds like a right drama llama, the sort that takes everything as a personal affront. If she didn't fall out with you over this it would have been something else. There's always a risk with using family names of those still living with things like this, but at the end of the day it's your DD.

Has your DSis had any kids? Perhaps she could provide another grandchild for your mum to correct this awful wrong. .....No? Didn't think so.

Hissy · 01/02/2017 23:25

Good god, could this hideous pair make your birthing of your dd anymore about them, them them??

What a truly stupid pair of women.

You asked them to come at a specific time because you are still recovering and they ignored that. They harangued you. They cba to come and see you In hospital because their priorities were themselves.

Screw them both. Distance yourself and keep them at arms length.

RubyFlint · 01/02/2017 23:31

How awful OP. Definitely don't change your DD name!

I hope your mum and sister reflect on this one day and realise how bloody awful they have been. Besides, imagine now resending the text with a different name and how your MIL would then feel. Don't be manipulated by them.

PickAChew · 01/02/2017 23:33

No.

She can get tae fuck, as they say up north.

YouWillNotSeeMe · 01/02/2017 23:35

Keep the name, don't change it.
Especially after seeing the update about not coming to see you in hospital. Get your lovely DMIL to make you tea and bring you cake

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 01/02/2017 23:36

I wouldn't change the name and I would distance myself I tell they can act like grown ups

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