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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I change DDs name for my mum?

158 replies

DogsKidsandchocolate · 01/02/2017 21:01

A bit of background first, I have two boys from a previous relationship. One has my dad's name as a middle name and one has exh's dad's name as a middle name.

I should also add I don't have the best relationship with my mum. She doesn't make much effort to see us and we have never been close.

I had DD a couple of weeks ago. However due to complications we only came home on Friday. While I was in hospital I didn't want to make a final decision on DD s name. Now I'm home we are pretty sure about DDs name

I really want her middle name to be MILs first name. So we sent a text out on Monday to family telling them the name we have chosen. My mum didn't reply.

So my mum and sister came to visit DD for the first time today. Before they arrived I texted them and told them that I am still pretty unwell so could they arrive after DH had done the school run that way he can make cups of tea and run round etc.
They agreed to this, however they ended up coming just before the school run because they wanted to talk to me without DH there.

When DH left they started questioning me as to why we gave DD MIL s name rather than my mum's. I explained that we thought MILs name worked better , she will also be DH s only DC as we aren't having anymore. Also I reminded them that my mum always says that she hates her name as its old fashioned.
They said they understood that but still thought I was being really horrible and they weren't sure they could forgive me. But they would still stay because they wanted to see the DCs.

So DH arrived back with the older DCs and my mum and sister were really making a fuss of them, much more than they usually do. The DCs were finding this a bit full on so I sent them to change and grab a snack to give them a bit of space. I asked my mum if she wanted to hold DD for a little, while the boys were busy.

She said no she didn't want to hold DD as she obviously wasn't important enough to be included in her name. When the boys came back they asked her if she had held DD yet. So she stood up and grabbed DD from me.

DD of course started crying and my mum started saying that DD obviously hated her. She then handed her to my sister and stormed out of the house. My sister gave her to DH and ran after my mum.

My mum then text me about an hour ago saying some really awful stuff which really upset me. I haven't replied to it yet.
My sister has also text me saying I have made an awful mistake and I needed to rethink the name ASAP.

But I still love DDs name the way it is.

So AIBU to keep DD s name and cause this awful family fall out or should I change DDs name to keep the peace?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2017 23:39

"They said they understood that but still thought I was being really horrible and they weren't sure they could forgive me. But they would still stay because they wanted to see the DCs."

Sorry but fuck her, really, honestly who needs this! You ahve just had a baby and you are ill and she says this. Can't be sure they can forgive you, go right ahead I would say, do not forgive me for giving my daughter your name which you dislike.

"She said no she didn't want to hold DD as she obviously wasn't important enough to be included in her name. When the boys came back they asked her if she had held DD yet. So she stood up and grabbed DD from me."

Sounds like a lovely granny, not!

"DD of course started crying and my mum started saying that DD obviously hated her. She then handed her to my sister and stormed out of the house. My sister gave her to DH and ran after my mum."

I am afraid your mum is mentally unstable, which is sad for her and she can get some help, OR she is a massive drama queen with a huge chip on her should. Either way, not your problem at all.

Please do not change your daughter's name.

"My mum then text me about an hour ago saying some really awful stuff which really upset me. I haven't replied to it yet.
My sister has also text me saying I have made an awful mistake and I needed to rethink the name ASAP."

IGNORE and text back and say, please leave me alone until you can speak civilly to me. This is my last baby and you will not ruin my early experiences with her with your poison, or words of that sort!

"But I still love DDs name the way it is." then keep it. Honestly life is too short for this shit.

"So AIBU to keep DD s name and cause this awful family fall out or should I change DDs name to keep the peace?"

You know the answer, were you to change it would life be peaceful, I think not.

Chloe84 and ImperialBlether why would anyone not tell the full name a new baby. This is virtually the only time (and joining a school, getting a certificate) when you even use a middle name.

Astro55 · 01/02/2017 23:40

Just when you think you've heard it all ....

FWIW - my MIL did something similar - it's annoying - but your mother takes the biscuit

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2017 23:40

...for not giving my daughter...

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2017 23:42

Sorry so many typos!

IGNORE or text back and say, please leave me alone until ...

Viviennemary · 01/02/2017 23:43

I can see why your Mum is upset because you named your baby after your mil. She will feel sidelined. . But in the end it's up to you.

ollieplimsoles · 01/02/2017 23:46

I can see why your mother would be hurt.

Can your daughter have two middle names?

Seriously?

You actually think the op's 'mother' behaved in a way that warrants dgc having her name? My mother would never see her again, let alone get a say in her name.

Are you one of these people that believes grandparents should just get an automatic say in things because...grandparent?

reuset · 01/02/2017 23:50

Don't you dare change it for her! Smile
She does sound unpleasant and you don't want you baby to have a name associated with her. No, of course you're not being unreasonable.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 01/02/2017 23:51

Oh god, please don't back down to her... it'll be a slippery slope.

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2017 23:52

Viviennemary "I can see why your Mum is upset because you named your baby after your mil. She will feel sidelined."

The Op did not name her baby after her MIL she used her MIL's name as a middle name, not quite the same thing.

Plus most kids only get two names and they are not usually both family names so someone is always going to be left out unless everyone had four kids!

My dd has my mother's middle name as a middle name and my son has my fils name as a middle name. So because we only had two kids two parents got left out. No one was moaning when we announced our kids names!

Knittinglikemad · 01/02/2017 23:52

My daughter had a little boy 2 weeks ago & his names are first name, my dads name, her dads (my exh) name & married surname. It was their choice on his names & none of her DH men's names were included but I wouldn't even have thought to question their choice.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/02/2017 23:57

Bloody hell.

I wouldn't change the tea bag for her let alone my child's name.

If you seriously can't see how out of line both of them are, then you need to get some good counselling. They are utterly, utterly vile.

You poor love, stick to your name, and find someone professional to talk to about your horrible mother & sister 💐

Rubies12345 · 02/02/2017 00:02

Either your mum or your MIL is going to be left out

Not if she uses both. My friend has both gms names as middle names.

PantyLiner · 02/02/2017 00:16

I'm with the majority here. You love your DD's name. Your mother has acted like a prize chump. She doesn't deserve to have her grandaughter named after her. Let her read it and weep!

SinisterBumFacedCat · 02/02/2017 00:24

Christ NO! Your mum is being a Twat and your sister a Twat Enabler.

I'm now going to say what your mum should have said... Congratulations Flowers on your DD Smile

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 02/02/2017 00:28

My mother had a tantrum about my youngest son's name, because he was named after my father and his father and several generations before them on my dad's side. She wanted the baby to have a name from her side of the family, who I have never met (and they are almost all dead anyway). Two of my other kids are names after MrZippy's family, one is random because I met a nice kid with that name and our daughter was after my SIL.
Foolishly, I gave in and added an extra middle name. It didn't appease her, she just moved on and found something else to be offended about. Only now I've reinforced the behaviour by giving in to her once...
Don't do it.

GreatScot8 · 02/02/2017 00:31

Tell your mum and sister to pull their heads out of their asses.

You name your baby what YOU like.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/02/2017 00:34

"So AIBU to keep DD s name and cause this awful family fall out or should I change DDs name to keep the peace?"
No, YANBU to call your daughter the name that you have chosen. And you know fine well that changing it would absolutelynot keep the peace. Quite the opposite, it would encourage them to pull similar stunts. You are not causing a family fall out, your mother has decided to have one and has chosen to claim it's because of your daughter's name.

I expect had you given your daughter her name she'd have been all 'but you know how I hate my name, why would you give it to your daughter so that I feel responsible for her having a horrible middle name, I don't think I can forgive you for doing that' - come on, you know she would.

There's a reason you are not close to your mother (she's horrible) and I personally would be happy to keep her 'not close'.

Oh, and your sister needs to butt out. Seriously butt out.

FennecFoxMummy · 02/02/2017 00:35

How sad for you especially after just coming home with your new baby congratulations by the way!
She's been very unfair and childish imo keep your name it's clear you love it why should you change and besides it would be an after thought now to change it so would mean nothing and be bitter I think!

AvaCrowder · 02/02/2017 00:38

Given the behavior, I would not name anything on them. Or maybe chicken a lá shat.

The next babies in my family will probably be grandchildren. I want to help my dc and have fun with my dgc. Whatever they are named, I expect that I will love them.

TinselTwins · 02/02/2017 00:49

God no!

People who behave like that will continue to behave like that/treat you horribly (right after giving birth Shock - and GRABBING a newborn! Shock ) and they'll find an excuse to continue to be horrible even if you change the name, so you won't have the name you like… and they won't be any nicer to you.. they've shown you who they are!

TheUnseenAcademic · 02/02/2017 00:55

My son has my father's name as his middle name, and my daughter has MIL's name as her middle name. Like you, DH and I liked them and thought they 'went' with the first names we'd chosen. Also like you, my Mum professes to hate her given name. Neither FIL nor my Mum have expressed any issue or jealousy whatsoever. They all know that they're important parts of the children's lives. Your Mum is being petty and childish and your sister is ridiculous. I feel for you!

FireInTheHead · 02/02/2017 01:40

I'm in agreement that your mum behaved very badly but I'm also getting that 'rubbing her nose in it' vibe like a pp. I don't get the need to announce this would be your last baby to your mum given she was already disappointed about the same. You may not like your mum's name, sounds like you don't much like her tbh - and that's fair enough we can't al like our mums - but I think you come across a bit gleeful about having upset her. I also think it insensitive to choose your MIL's name no matter how nice it and she is. I'd have gone with a different name not connected with either of them but obviously you can't change it now because then your MiL will be upset too.

harleysmammy · 02/02/2017 01:51

She sounds like shes acting the same age as the baby fgs! I dont get on with my mother, nor does my brother. My brother named his baby after my dad and i named my little boy after my dad (they have my dads name as middle names). My mother made a fuss before i found out the sex of my baby because i liked the nan Bella Gwen, Gwen is my great nans name. She said i should call my daughter after her mum or my mum, i dont particularly like either of their names as their quite old fashioned and i certainly wouldnt name my baby after my mother even if her name was nice on principle because she is a terrible mother. I basically told her to stop acting like a spoilt brat in a playground and if she didnt like what i had chose for MY son, she could do one. She is your baby, no one else's so dont let anyone tell you what to do. X

seven201 · 02/02/2017 02:45

Keep the name as is. Your mum and sister are being completely irrational and bloody mean.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 02/02/2017 02:53

Don't change the name, your DM doesn't deserve it after that behaviour.

Your DM and your DSis both need to pull their heads from their arses.