Toddler behaviour and food on floor in cafe... AIBU?

[NettleCake]

DD is 18months and won't sit in a highchair for more than 5-10 mins (screams, stands up and tries to climb out!)

We have lunch out most days. Mainly cafes and coffee shops. DD runs off constantly to explore, so I end up chasing her, apologising as she gets in people's way. If the cafe has toys she'll play with them for about 5 mins then loses interest.

What do other mums do? We have things on in town most mornings and afternoons, so too far to go home for lunch.

Also she's very messy, throws food on floor, shakes juice etc. I pick up as much as possible but I'm busy chasing her or holding onto her so often leave some of the mess.
I've had a few cross looks from staff. Am I supposed to ask for a dustpan and brush? If I restrain her in buggy/highchair while I clean the floor she'll scream. DH says not to worry about the floor.

How do we eat out without upsetting people... and how long does this stage last?

I've worked in hospitality most of my life, if you offered to clean up I'd tell you not to worry about it but if you left a mess behind with no word I'd be pretty pissed off.

I'd do as you are doing but offer to clean up and if they said no I'd leave an extra couple of quid on the table

My DS is 19 months. I'm lucky in that he loves to eat so if there's food then he's usually ok in a cafe. Still we just don't eat out very often, it's just not worth it. Things that help are small fiddly snacks like packets of raisins or crackers, stickers and playing games like peekaboo and naming body parts. Colouring in is pointless. Phone or iPad would also keep his attention but so far I've avoided that. But once he starts getting antsy (ie once he's finished eating) then it's time to go. No lingering! I tidy up by doing it while he's still in high chair. He's not allowed out during the meal.

I'd try to push her nap back to 12ish personally. Then it breaks up the day more. Unless of course she is up for the day at 5am? What is the routine at nursery? Ours is a set 1pm nap time once they move to toddler room so I try and keep similar to that.

Reading back that sounds a bit smug. Basically the tips above maybe get me an extra 5 min while waiting for the bill, but once he's bored then he's bored and we have to go! Plus who wants to have to play peekaboo and deal with stickers when trying to chat to your friends? I find the whole process stressful and that's why we don't go out very often

babywth
I clean up after myself if i go there too. I don't expect the workers to take my rubbish when i'm capable.
ohholy op isn't being responsible if dd is running off.
Another poster has already posted a horrifying story of what can happen.
It only takes a second.
It's hard. The op shouldn't be a hermit, but right now her dd isn't enjoying these places and the op isn't having much fun either!

Sounds very like my DD1, super high energy child, always on the go and needing entertaining. It is hard but trust me they grow out of it quick enough.

We avoided eating out with her (or taking her round the shops) from 12 months until about 3, it was just spending money to have a miserable time, it took the fun out of eating out!

My DD was a good napper, but we did go out most mornings (class, or drop-in session) then home for lunch then nap, then out again to the park or just for a walk around the block. Yes some of it was for me not a fan of staying home all day but that's ok.

At home it was constant playdoh sessions, jigsaws, building towers, with the odd bit of TV (the only time DD would sit still!), put music on (Wiggles) and dance around with her, play silly chasing games. It was very tiring!

I got pregnant with DD2 when she was 3 and that is when I started encouraging her to play more independantly so mummy could rest.

Luckily for me DD2 turned out to be much more well behaved chilled than her big sister and I got to do cafes/shops it was a revelation!

I would suggest to your friends that you get coffee/snack to go and head to the park so the little ones can run around.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair
I think it's really important to include children in almost all areas of public life and I love to see young children enjoying meals out etc, but it's also necessary to be considerate towards other people.

This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen anyone write on this site. I approve of your philosophy and would like to subscribe to your magazine

Dd was a terrible food thrower. I bought a massive piece of plastic to protect the floor and cleared up. So we rarely ate out.

Dd hated being strapped in the high chair so I bought a portable chair to attach to the restaurant chairs. She liked that much more. And we rarely ate out.

Dd didn't want to sit still long. So we rarely ate out.

Your friends children nap after eating. So they're winding down. Yours is just revving up, which makes the experience more difficult still.

You have a child, who doesn't adhere to the norms of what most children are able to do in a restaurant right now. My dd was the same. It is for you to adapt to her. Not the other way around. Yes, it would be lovely if your dd acted like the other children. But she doesn't and it's time to deal with the situation.

Attending to your needs first and not hers isn't what parents should be doing. Either drop the morning or the afternoon activity. Alternatively start doing more play dates at eachothers houses. I did this with friends about twice a week. The children could run round like loons and we could relax in the knowledge they were safe.

And I agree with those posters, who said to push her nap time til after lunch.

Hi OP, when both my dcs were that age, lunches in a cafe were stressful and so much hard work that it was just not worth doing very often.
Don't be aftaid to entertain her at home. If my 5 year old had a class every afternoon it would tire her out, my 2.5 year old would just have a meltdown doing activities twice daily. You must be exhausted too! There are lots of things you can do at home that could entertain your DC. Let her get a bit bored. If you ever get unwell (I am currently stuck at home with a nasty cold and too poorly children) she won't know how to entertain herself. If you like seeing friends every day, why don't you meet at each other's houses and take turns. Btw, there will be a time when you take your DC to a cafe and you'll be able to have a coffee in relative peace and your DC will sit at the table with their babyccino This too shall pass!

Two, not too!

I totally get the not wanting to be stuck in the house with an 18 month old - DD only really became happy pottering about with her toys from about age 2. But maybe skip the second organised group a day and either have friends at each other's houses or go for out and about activities but that aren't so organised e.g. the park, library.

You simply have to not eat out if your child won't sit in a highchair. I'd actually start going out with your husband at the weekend and together having all the books, stickers, toys to distract your child as a practise run. Maybe even just go for a drink rather than food so you can bail if it ends up in a screaming match. My DD hated sitting still for long so we actively trained her that it was important - sometimes it went better than others (often we had very rushed meals!). But we've never let her get out of the high chair, even aged 2.5 we still use it. It sounds like you need to start teaching table manners, and 18 months is definitely not too young for that.

The throwing food will improve on its own over time. I agree with everyone else, clean up as best as you can and say "no"/take food away once the throwing begins (my DD for a long time was given a forkful rather than the actual plate) but don't stress too much about actually stopping it as it's a very usual and natural development stage to enjoy lobbing things off the side of the highchair. Annoying though!

I haven't read the whole thread but I suspect you've already taken quite a pasting! I hate to add to it but in all honesty what you're doing is really rather selfish. It's also dangerous for your daughter and staff teeing to work, and very unpleasant for those around you. You asked what others did ams how long the stage lasts - For us it lasted about nine months before the ds's would sit nicely again at just gone two, and though we tried it every couple of months, essentially I stopped doing lunch in cafes for that whole time. We would go to the park for the most part or just go home. You cannot inflict the conditions you describe in your op on other diners every single weekday.

I found that reigns worked rather well. Those simple ones that you can buy in boots or mother care that come with the extra little straps. Affix straps to highchair, insert child, clip into place and watch the bugger attempt to escape. Almost impossible and they soon quit the whining. Once eaten and granted freedom, any hint of buggering off and tearing around the café/restaurant and it was hometime.
The worst of the mess can be cleaned with a baby wipe or two ten.

Catsize Wed 01-Feb-17 22:48:56
"Can't bear the smug 'colouring and stickers' comments. Along with the 'talking to the children' comments. You've not had a child as described by the OP then. It isn't possible to do those things."

Yes, I did. It's a constant non-stop job of trying to distract, restraining and then taking child out when needed. But the point is, you do that constant job. It's not as if there is nothing between a child who voluntarily sits colouring in and the child who has to be allowed to do whatever she wants.

Personally, I wouldn't expose myself to this on a daily basis: it sounds like far too much hard work if you do it properly. I would take sandwiches and eat in the park under an umbrella. Sounds like this is a child who should be spending more time out of doors. But agree with other posters about there being too many activities on and not enough down time.

Maybe this isn't how it is, but it comes across as if you dread any long stretch at home with her and so are taking her out to keep her occupied with external activities and lunch

Yes this is true. I've tried activities at home but she loses interest quickly or flings it everywhere (lego, sand, pasta, water etc). She doesn't like anything sticky so painting/sticking/messy play/playdough is out. No garden unfortunately. She will sometimes sit on my lap for 15-20mins to watch CBEEBIES but other than this rarely sits still. She climbs furniture, runs around, bounces on sofa, wants constant attention (clings onto my legs crying if I don't focus on her).

Not much space for play dates at ours, tried in a few times but DD was possessive over her toys. We do have play dates at others' houses but never at mealtimes!

She sleeps from around 8pm-7am with 2x wake-ups. Occasionally has a 2nd nap around 2/3pm and sometimes morning nap happens around 11 rather than 10

To me this sounds like she needs to spend more time out of doors. Do you have a nearby park. I'd try to put in a couple of hours there every day, regardless of weather (invest in some heavy rain gear). Fresh air will make her nap better and the exercise will do her good. Splashing in puddles tires you out nicely.

I think 2 activities with a lunch out is probably too much for her at the moment.....this was a tricky age for my ds as well i knocked back to one in the morning-home for lunch (walking as much as possible-i have never been so fit)-
then just a walk/run in the park(even if it was wet or cold (not my favourite way to spend time but worked for him)) or a walk to the library after lunch/some down time even if that was 30min tv -sometimes he would nap in front of the tv then and i got a cup of tea

there were a group of us with kid of a similar age and most (not all) had a period with their kids were they dropped out of lunch for a bit....almost in turn ...started back again a few months later....it was easier in the summer as we ate at the park but even still its a pain for you when its not right for them which is what shes telling you at the moment

What about books? First you read her stories, then she can "read" by herself. Might need a bit of work to get her interested but once she starts enjoying it, it is something she can do by herself, anywhere, on her own!

he also didn't really do any of the crafty/pasta stuff much to my disappointment!! all those crazy plans/ideas I had
(or he would for 5 mins then it would be everywhere more time to set up and clear up then actually do)
he was better with play figures/trains set/ball in the park - my neighbour reckoned more like a spaniel puppy than anything else :)

It was probably the one of the hardest periods with him for me so don't feel bad about it ...he probably watched more tv then than at any other time in his life so far...interspersed with lots of walking around the park...but it did get better....

Can't bear the smug 'colouring and stickers' comments. Along with the 'talking to the children' comments. You've not had a child as described by the OP then. It isn't possible to do those things.

This. Some children just aren't amenable to sitting politely with crayons and stickers until they're quite a bit older.

NoSherryForMe Thu 02-Feb-17 09:58:55
"Can't bear the smug 'colouring and stickers' comments. Along with the 'talking to the children' comments. You've not had a child as described by the OP then. It isn't possible to do those things.

This. Some children just aren't amenable to sitting politely with crayons and stickers until they're quite a bit older."

No, but all children can be held firmly by their parents (using reins if necessary) rather than risk some poor waitress scalding herself. And all children can be removed from the restaurant by a parent before they spoil everybody else's enjoyment.

It's not about amenable: it's about whether you are prepared to put other people in hospital for the sake of not having to make a bit of a physical effort.

I had a champion tantrummer, not a polite little colouring-inner. But waitresses still need to be safe.

I feel your pain I have toddler twins and really ten/ fifteen minutes is about the limit. Eat outside if poss even if it means standing in a shelter or whatever. There's a massive oak tree that we sit under in the rain and it's completely dry and very peaceful. I don't tend to order lunch for me just coffee in a to go cup and a scone so I can eat instantly and scoot off.

Minimise mess with tippy cups (water not juice) we use open cups at home so plenty of practice. Apple slices not bananas. Sliced cheese not grated etc. I have these chunky colouring pencils which wipe off instantly so I tend to hand them over to girls while I clean floor.they draw a picture/ on tray I whack in buggy give tray a clean with wipes and done. I use wipes rather than ask for dustpan and brush. Also spread your custom around and try and avoid peak lunchtimes 12-2. Staff are more forgiving at 11am when it's a bit quiet than if they have to clean your table whilst sorting out lots of others.

mbs furniture, runs around, bounces on sofa, wants constant attention (clings onto my legs crying if I don't focus on her).
This is the problem OP. At the cafe you want to enjoy your meal and talk to your friends. At home you want to not spend all the time focussed on your dd. Sorry, she is 18 months old and your job is to focus on her entirely. I am guessing that when you say she loses interest in the activities you put out it's because you are expecting her to play by herself? You have a high needs baby so you have to be completely invested in her. It's exhausting so take long walks with her in the buggy, go to the park etc but otherwise it's up to you to keep going until bedtime.

It sounds like your dd wants your attention tbh.

I would stop going to a few of your groups/classes and start going to the park.

Wrap up in warm clothes and water proofs if necessary. Take sandwiches and a flask of coffee for you.

Your dd can run around and burn off her energy. You can play with her and she'll be getting the attention she sounds she wants and able to run free.

I've spent hours and hours in parks with my 3. None of mine are playing with sand or pasta sort of kids-they like to run, climb, find bugs/leaves etc.

It sounds like you're trying to fit her in your routine tbh and you can't always do that with young ones. You need to spend some time doing what she wants to do-and that's running and climbing!

Oh and mine were definitely not the colouring and sticker type either-why colour when you can run and explore?