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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with this?

100 replies

TedEriksen · 01/02/2017 12:21

Small problem but this is winding me up so...

I work full-time and my DW works part-time, but I work from home a couple of days a week and/or work compressed hours to get a couple of days home looking after our two DCs. DW always lays out clothes and says 'they're wearing this/these tomorrow'. I don't like this as I can pick out clothes myself, but usually don't say anything.

Whenever I pick out anything I get complaints from DW about it. I'm not (that much of an) idiot, and always dress them appropriately for the weather, or whatever they're doing that day, but DW always nitpicks and finds something wrong.

This weekend, DW was away on a weekend long hen do, so DCs and I had the place to ourselves - there was a really funny moment with them so I took a photo and sent it to her, and what I got back was 'why are they wearing those tops, that skirt, etc. etc.' I didn't reply, but felt like an ALL CAPS response like, 'when I'm taking care of them, what they wear is up to me'. I know this is a moan but I feel quite undermined.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 01/02/2017 12:24

Yanbu.

How old are the children?

hmcAsWas · 01/02/2017 12:25

What a thing to whinge about (your Dw that is). Yanbu

NapQueen · 01/02/2017 12:27

God she needs to unclench

I'd have responded "is there a reason you can't see past their clothes and just appreciate how amusing and wonderful the kids are?"

NavyandWhite · 01/02/2017 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 01/02/2017 12:29

Wow sounds like she is just looking to find fault! Are things ok generally (like does she do that in other areas of your relationship or is it just the clothes thing). It would drive me nuts, politely remind her that they are your children too so you have as much of a say as she does in how.they are.dressed!

Mrscog · 01/02/2017 12:31

YANBU my DH is liable to forget which clothes are 'best' so we've now put these in a 'best clothes drawer' other than that (which is only to prevent stuff from being ruined) I couldn't give a fig about what they're wearing as long as they're warm and comfortable.

xStefx · 01/02/2017 12:32

you have come on mumsnet to moan about this ? seriously

There is a post where a guy has just caught his wife cheating and this is your only complaint?

NavyandWhite · 01/02/2017 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 01/02/2017 12:34

xstefx he has every right to post on here it's Aibu and he is asking if he is being unreasonable to be annoyed. Who are you to police what problems are important enough to be discussed? And I notice you compare to another man, do you think men shouldn't be allowed to post unless it's a huge issue?

mintthins · 01/02/2017 12:35

YANBU but maybe the full on caps lock response would be a bit OTT. Why not just tell her nicely that you and the DC like what they are wearing. No need to make a battle out of it.

CripsSandwiches · 01/02/2017 12:36

YANBU that would drive me mad. xStefx he's moaning on mumsnet not hiring a divorce lawyer AIBU is full of people moaning about little niggles.

OP I'd just tell her that you're also a parent and you enjoy dressing the DC too and want to pick out clothes when you're looking after them. I don't see how she could possibly have a problem with that.

OohhItsNotHoxton · 01/02/2017 12:37

YANBU

Petalbird · 01/02/2017 12:38

YANBU as long as they are warm and comfortable who cares what kids wear. I would sit her down and talk about her control/ using kids as dolls. Also what is going to happen when the kids are old enough to have opinions?

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 01/02/2017 12:39

xStefx, have a fucking Biscuit

OP, yanbu, that must be really irritating. I have no resolution though.

Original poster
TedEriksen · 01/02/2017 12:39

One DC is nursery age, the other young primary age.

Are things ok generally (like does she do that in other areas of your relationship or is it just the clothes thing).

Generally OK, although DW does have a tendency to look for things to find fault in and nitpick in other areas. For example, if I hang clothes up inside on a rainy day, I'll hear a sigh five minutes later then she'll rearrange it all!

OP posts:
longdiling · 01/02/2017 12:39

I don't think it is that trivial actually. It makes the op feel stupid and undermined in their parenting. It's not a nice thing to do at all. Tell her how she makes you feel.

Sirzy · 01/02/2017 12:41

What will she do when within the next few years they want to pick their own clothes then?

DontTouchTheMoustache · 01/02/2017 12:44

Has she always been controlling / nit picking? Just from personal experience with an ex in a long term relationship when I was quite young I would do this more and more towards the end of the relationship. Looking back I can see its because I wasn't happy with him so I found fault everywhere. I think in some ways I was trying to start fights or get him to end things. It could be a symptom of something bigger that needs addressing. Or if she has always been this way she may just be a controlling person but you do need to explain to her how it makes you feel.

mambono5 · 01/02/2017 12:45

xStefx Biscuit

OP, YANBU, it is really annoying. I am a bit guilty of that, Blush
I am always cold, my husband not so much, so I always think the kids are not dressed up warmly enough, hat/ scarves, or hat in the summer.

if the clothes are in your kids wardrobe, they are meant to be worn. You have the right to chose as much as she does.

Questioningeverything · 01/02/2017 12:46

Why can't he complain?? Why is complaining about how someone is effectively controlling how he is with the kids any less ok than complaining about a wife's infidelity? It's all problems in lives.

EvieSparkles0x · 01/02/2017 12:50

Agree with longdiling. There is affectionate moaning/teasing that is meant to be endearing but this is clearly grating on the OP for good reason.

It is a passive aggressive way of undermining his competence as a parent and as a married couple it's important to be able to air these concerns/negative emotions without being ridiculed. Because how one partner makes another partner feel does matter!

Original poster
TedEriksen · 01/02/2017 12:52

Has she always been controlling / nit picking?

I wouldn't describe it as 'controlling', but I think she sees it as her area of responsibility, and isn't willing to let someone else (me) take that on. I tend just to grind my teeth and not say anything!

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 01/02/2017 12:55

@xStefx have a Biscuit

By your logic are you going to go on probably 3/4 of the threads trending and say the same then?

OP YANBU

harderandharder2breathe · 01/02/2017 12:59

Yanbu, kids clothes are only wrong if they're not dressed appropriately for the activity or the weather. It doesn't matter if stuff "goes together" or not, if the children are happy and comfortable it's fine.

She's gonna love it in a few years when the children start insisting on their own clothes (as a child I particularly liked wearing red and pink together)

YouHadMeAtCake · 01/02/2017 13:03

YADNBU but your DW is. You just need to tell her straight. Very controlling and petty of her.

xstef really? I obviously missed the MN post announcing you as the new post police. OP can post what he likes so wind your neck in hey .