To be fed up with this?

[TedEriksen]

Small problem but this is winding me up so...

I work full-time and my DW works part-time, but I work from home a couple of days a week and/or work compressed hours to get a couple of days home looking after our two DCs. DW always lays out clothes and says 'they're wearing this/these tomorrow'. I don't like this as I can pick out clothes myself, but usually don't say anything.

Whenever I pick out anything I get complaints from DW about it. I'm not (that much of an) idiot, and always dress them appropriately for the weather, or whatever they're doing that day, but DW always nitpicks and finds something wrong.

This weekend, DW was away on a weekend long hen do, so DCs and I had the place to ourselves - there was a really funny moment with them so I took a photo and sent it to her, and what I got back was 'why are they wearing those tops, that skirt, etc. etc.' I didn't reply, but felt like an ALL CAPS response like, 'when I'm taking care of them, what they wear is up to me'. I know this is a moan but I feel quite undermined.

AIBU?

[HotWellies]

Op, YANBU.

Is it something that changed when you had kids? I ask because I was 100% the same as your DW. DS is now aged 7. I was very controlling over DS, what he wore, ate etc. The problem is that although I work from home, i have to travel to my core office about 4 days every 8 weeks or so. It used to freak me right out leaving DS in the charge of DH because he did not 'do things right'aka -like me. It took me alot of soul searching to realise that actually I was in a bad space in my life- depression and anxiety and it was manifesting in this acute anxiety about DS.

As I got over it (talking therapy and some meds) I came to realise that I was doing no-one any favours by being like that and I had to (as someone said upthread) 'unclench'. It has taken alot of self training for me to just let DH parent and to realise that it does not matter that he does things differently from me. DH would get hugely frustrated with me, but it took me realising for myself how ridiculous I was being.

But, that was due to issues I was having myself, it was not generally in my nature to be controlling. I am just wondering if this might be a reason behind your DW, or if she has a controlling nature in general. Either way, you need to have a calm talk with her, explain your perspective etc. But in a non-confrontational way.

Goodluck.

[IntoTheDeep]

YANBU.

As long as the clothes they're wearing are appropriate for the weather and activities they're doing, then it's fairly irrelevant what they're wearing / whether the top goes with the bottoms etc. There's no reason at all why the parent in charge that day shouldn't get to pick an outfit out of the child's wardrobe.

I'd find this sort of thing very irritating.

[curlii103]

She does sound overly controlling ..but I do it too. She's like my l8ttle doll and I like her dressed how I like it!

[EvieSparkles0x]

OP,

You need to talk to her about how it makes you feel. Otherwise it will build into something more/worse. Good communication and feeling heard is important. If she scoffs, don't move past it. Tell her, it may not seem like a big deal but it makes me feel (whatever you feel) and I would appreciate it if you stop.

If there's any leeway, e.g. you two picking out clothes together, then do it! FWIW me and my partner both have slightly different tastes in dressing her, and we both love dressing her, so I know it can be a little point of contention, and it's nicest if you both get a say :)

[Bear2014]

YANBU. Very annoying! Surely if she's that controlling about what they wear, and presumably buys most of the clothes in the first place, how far wrong can you go?!

[user1477282676]

Right. I used to do this. DH was naturally upset about it and used to complain but I didn't care. I'm being honest here...not saying I was right.

I just had certain ideas about what looked nice and what didn't and I HATED the DC looking "scruffy" or in outfits which weren't my idea of matching.

I've chilled out a LOT since then.

I grew up quite poor so I think it might be to do with that.

Did your wife also grow up poor?

[EvieSparkles0x]

Dressing our DD, I should say.

[liquidrevolution]

I have to confess I usually lay out clothes for DH . This is because he has no taste and is lazy and actually asks me to do it. However if he dressed DD himself I wouldn't nit pick.

I have only commented twice, once when he dressed DD and she looked like Elvis during the Vegas years {hmm] and once where he dressed her after swimming and he put both legs down one leg of her shorts and also put two short sleeved t shirts on her 'because she looked chilly', as opposed to putting her cardigan on .

[Oysterbabe]

YANBU.

My DH dresses DD 3 days a week when I leave early for work. It annoys me that he never matches her hair clips to her outfit. I would never say this to him as it would be very picky and unreasonable.

She really needs to relinquish some control. I would ignore the clothes she sets out and dress them how I wanted.

[bumsexatthebingo]

I can understand your dw wanting her kid to be dressed in clothes that look good together tbh. There is plenty of stuff in my wardrobe that would look silly together and while I would be warm/cool enough for the weather I wouldn't want to wear certain styles/colours together.
You may go solely for utility whereas aesthetics is also important to your dw. If it only bothers her then why not let her lay an outfit out? It saves you a job.

[NotMyPenguin]

Do you think the problem might be that you aren't communicating very well about this?

You say that your DW lays out clothes for the DC beforehand, and that you don't like it but you don't say anything and just don't use them. It sounds to me as if you need to say something, rather than being silently unhappy and then doing something different on your own (which probably upsets DW).

Also, when you say that she always nitpicks and finds something wrong with what you've chosen, could you give a couple of examples?

I think it would be great if you could communicate about your feelings and agree that on some days you would choose the clothes and on other days your DW will. In order to do that, she'll need to take on board that it's important to you (and why) and you might also need to listen and take on board that there might be some things you need to be mindful of (e.g. perhaps on some days DC have a class or something that requires a different type of clothing, or perhaps DW has a particular worry like whether party dresses might get stained at school or something and prefer the DC to be wearing more casual clothes).

Also, am I the only person with a DC who stubbornly insists on choosing their own clothes?! As mum, I have pretty much zero say so I have to resort to hiding the party dresses and becoming more tolerant of weird and wacky colour combinations!

[Aki23]

I have been known to ask DH to dress DS in a particular outfit but rarely and for a reason - nursery/big day out etc. Otherwise he has the run of the wardrobe for him. She does sound like she is controlling and doesn't trust/respect you enough to make a decison

[bumsexatthebingo]

Reminds me of when my friends husband sent their dd to nursery in a pj top and a pair of tights. Nothing else. His argument was that she was just a warm as in a top and leggings and that tights are just leggings with feet.

[EvieSparkles0x]

liquidrevolution hahahaha!! bless him.

DP loves dressing our DD and luckily is quite good but definitely prefers quirkier stuff, and hates dressing her in anything but dresses.

[ToffeeForEveryone]

YANBU.

That's assuming they are wearing reasonably normal clothes. I have moaned at DH when he dressed DS before but that's because he'd put him in a romper suit and joggers (i.e. double trousers).

I do also rearrange the laundry whenever DH hangs it up because he just shoves things on the airer bunched up and they won't dry evenly, plus hangs my stuff (always mine!) on the handles and sharp edges so they're just hanging from one point and will get stretched out of shape.

Your DW would BU if she's expecting it has to be done "her way" to be done right, but there is a right and wrong way to do things IYSWIM.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

I used to have to mentally gear myself up to pick DS up from nursery as DP used to put him in the oddest, scruffiest combinations. But did I say anything? No, of course not. Because that would be controlling and weird.

(apart from the time he sent him in in actual pyjamas. And oh god, did it feel good to let it all out...)

You can do one of two things: either sit her down and have a proper chat about it, explain how it makes you feel, or just ignore ignore ignore every sigh and pointed comment and text.The first option is probably healthier.

[MediumOrchid]

YANBU with the children's clothes

However, regarding hanging the washing up :

My husband cannot hang up the washing inside properly! And that's not me being a control freak, it looks like he took the basket of washing and tipped it over the clothes airer! Things are bunched up, overlapping, draping over each other, and in our house things won't dry like that and will go smelly. So I do complain, or sigh and rearrange (or do it all myself!)

Not saying you necessarily do this... but do you??

[TedEriksen]

If it only bothers her then why not let her lay an outfit out? It saves you a job.

It does save me a job in the morning (and a negotiating process with DC1 that rivals Brexit), but I just don't need it done. I'd like to feel that we're jointly responsible, rather than that I'm just a childminder on my days home.

I always try to co-ordinate (including hair clips, etc.) so that neither looks mismatched or has anything that clashes, but sometimes you have to go for utility.

Do you think the problem might be that you aren't communicating very well about this?

Yes. Yes, I do.

[bumsexatthebingo]

And my dh actually has a cheat code for keeping me happy with this he told me. He selects combinations that he has seen me put the kids in before! Which then gets him brownie points for what a great outfit he's put together and everyone is happy.

[Verbena37]

Hi Ted
I'm wondering whether rather than her being controlling for controlling sake, she might be a bit depressed.....and by controlling the kids' clothes, she feels in control of something.....something she does well?

Obviously I could be totally wrong but it seems strange for her not to trust you to do it....unlesss you really are blind to fashion

How was she when they were babies? Did she do similar things then?

[Sirzy]

Even if clothes clash does it matter? They are little kids!

By early primary school most children are wanting to pick their own outfits. They may not always pick "matching" clothes but if they are weather suitable then for normal day to day wear what is going to happen?

[bumsexatthebingo]

OK it's sexist but unless you are Gok Wan your wife is likely better at this than you - and that's ok. I'm sure you have talents in other areas that your wife doesn't. Utility and looking good isn't unachievable.

[CripsSandwiches]

Reminds me of when my friends husband sent their dd to nursery in a pj top and a pair of tights. Nothing else. His argument was that she was just a warm as in a top and leggings and that tights are just leggings with feet.

But it doesn't sound like that at all. I don't think OP is incapable of picking out a reasonable outfit for the weather occasion, more like his wife is nitpicking about it not matching her tastes. The thing is he's the parent too so his taste carries just as much weight as hers.

[TedEriksen]

Not saying you necessarily do this... but do you??

[huffily] I most assuredly do not - I space things out as well as I can (given the space available) ;)

[bumsexatthebingo]

It doesn't really matter if they clash and it doesn't matter if adults clothes clash either. But if you're spending good money on clothes you tend to want them to look nice.