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AIBU?

To be fed up with this?

100 replies

TedEriksen · 01/02/2017 12:21

Small problem but this is winding me up so...

I work full-time and my DW works part-time, but I work from home a couple of days a week and/or work compressed hours to get a couple of days home looking after our two DCs. DW always lays out clothes and says 'they're wearing this/these tomorrow'. I don't like this as I can pick out clothes myself, but usually don't say anything.

Whenever I pick out anything I get complaints from DW about it. I'm not (that much of an) idiot, and always dress them appropriately for the weather, or whatever they're doing that day, but DW always nitpicks and finds something wrong.

This weekend, DW was away on a weekend long hen do, so DCs and I had the place to ourselves - there was a really funny moment with them so I took a photo and sent it to her, and what I got back was 'why are they wearing those tops, that skirt, etc. etc.' I didn't reply, but felt like an ALL CAPS response like, 'when I'm taking care of them, what they wear is up to me'. I know this is a moan but I feel quite undermined.

AIBU?

OP posts:
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HarryPottersMagicWand · 01/02/2017 13:26

Actually, it's impossible to say YANBU, because we don't know what you are dressing them in.

I do what your wife does. Because my DH doesn't know the difference between tights and leggings and once came home with DD dressed in a pair of tights and a top that only just covered her arse, she wasnt a baby either and it looked bloody ridiculous. To him though, he would say he had dressed her fine, but he really didn't. He is incapable of putting anything together, even if it came as an outfit, he also wont put a cardigan on if it's cold or will put a massive thick jumper on if it's warm. When I've asked him what on earth she is wearing, he has no idea what my issue is and says its fine. So I lay clothes out.

I also have to rearrange the washing too, because when DH hangs it up, there are sleeves that are crumped up so they don't dry and everything is hung squashed together so again, it doesn't dry and if I left it, I would have to keep rearranging it bit by bit as some stuff dried, which it wouldn't very well because it wasn't hung up properly. But again, my DH would say there was nothing wrong with how he did it. Not my idea of fun to have to micromanage every bloody thing at home.

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TheAntiBoop · 01/02/2017 13:27

That is sexist. My DH is much better than me at picking outfits but we have always let the kids choose themselves as long as the clothes fit the weathe conditions.

Dh took dd to the park one day - I had dressed her that morning and I will admit the outfit we more practical than stylish (she particularly liked a skirt which clashed with the t shirt). A woman went up to him and did the head tilt 'aaaah, did you get her dressed this morning?'

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Wixi · 01/02/2017 13:28

My daughter usually decides herself what wants to wear (she's 7), but when DH is getting her up and helping her dress he always asks me "what can she wear today" and I usually say "whatever she wants" unless it's a school day. As you say, if it's in the drawer it's there to be worn.

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Aki23 · 01/02/2017 13:28

Urgh! matching clothes! - provided they fit and are correct for the weather I don't care what my child wears - whilst many of my friends/family have their children in little dresses/outfits from birth im still wondering how long can get away with onesies (forever in my opinion!) :D

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Stormtreader · 01/02/2017 13:29

"OK it's sexist but unless you are Gok Wan your wife is likely better at this than you - and that's ok. I'm sure you have talents in other areas that your wife doesn't. Utility and looking good isn't unachievable."

Wow, really? He is automatically inept because of his gender? Im sure as an adult human he isnt incapable of combining a top and skirt in a way that isnt hideous while his wife isnt there to hold his hand. Hmm

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NotMyPenguin · 01/02/2017 13:30

"I'd like to feel that we're jointly responsible, rather than that I'm just a childminder on my days home."

This is a really good way of expressing your feelings! You could use phrasing like this to explain to your wife how it makes you feel. Also, maybe you could ask for her feedback on what she thinks you should do differently when you choose the clothes, and that might help you both to share the responsibility a bit better.

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PigletWasPoohsFriend · 01/02/2017 13:30

OK it's sexist

You're right, it is.

HTH

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InTheKitchenAtParties · 01/02/2017 13:31

YANBU.
But I have to agree with bumsex. If it makes her happy, leave her with it.

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bumsexatthebingo · 01/02/2017 13:31

But the op has admitted that he sometimes just goes for utility. If the child has a reasonable amount of clothes then there's no reason why outfits can't both look good and be warm enough/appropriate for the weather.
If the op is less bothered by what outfits look like than his wife then why not just let her sort them out. To select a different outfit when there is one there ready just seems odd to me.

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Sirzy · 01/02/2017 13:33

Utility is all that matters for children.

In a much deeper way is teaching children from a young age they must always look perfect really a good message to be sending?

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bumsexatthebingo · 01/02/2017 13:34

But surely utility is all that really matters for anyone. We could quite happily all walk around in beige smocks so long as they were warm enough.

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TheAntiBoop · 01/02/2017 13:35

It's also reaching the kids that mummy is primary care giver and what she says goes. I think it's important for kids to see both parents making decisions, doing chores etc. As it will impact their view of how they should behave as an adult

I don't want dd growing up to think she has to be a martyr for her kids and I don't want DS growing up and thinking that default position is that mum does the caring

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bumsexatthebingo · 01/02/2017 13:35

I don't see any harm in teaching kids to make some sort of effort with their outfit at least for when they leave the house. But I'm not one for insisting it stays all pristine and not letting them play/roll in mud. I think there is a happy balance between not giving a shit about how you loo and giving too much of a shit.

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ThisMorningWentBadly · 01/02/2017 13:40

She is being unreasonable. They are children not dolls. Provided they are appropriately dressed for the weather/activity then that is all that matters.

DH dislikes some of the clothes the dc have. But he keeps his mouth shut because they chose them, they like them and they are the ones wearing them. All he needs todo is leave the house with children that mix fluro, checks and stripes he often wears shades.

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CripsSandwiches · 01/02/2017 13:48

bumsex

You seem to be completely missing the point. Clearly it doesn't matter if a kids is wearing a perfectly co-ordinated outfit since they're probably going to get muddy/sticky/generally messy anyway. There's no harm in spending time co-ordinating outfits when you're in charge of the kids if t's important to you go ahead.

There is harm in nit picking about what the child's other parent puts the child in - as clearly it's annoying the OP and making him feel like he's not respected as a parent. You're not the ultimate arbiter of good taste, if OP thinks they look good enough to go out in and they're not an idiot then that's good enough.

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deydododatdodontdeydo · 01/02/2017 13:48

I don't think it's uncommon for mums to own these tasks, including preparing school lunches, packing overnight bags and a million other tasks. Many husbands don't chip in at all in this regard.
But since you are willing, and presumably not colour blind, she IBU to nitpick.
She may regret it in a few years when she's posting on MN, complaining her DH doesn't do any domestic chores...

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bumsexatthebingo · 01/02/2017 13:52

I disagree, I have just as much right to comment on what my dh does when he looks after the children as he does when I look after them.
I don't think that co-ordinating outfits matters for anyone of any age (unless specified for work). But it is general convention that we do it.

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bumsexatthebingo · 01/02/2017 13:53

And disagreeing doesn't mean someone i missing the point. It means they have a different opinion.

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tootsietoo · 01/02/2017 13:59

Seriously HarryPottersMagicWand? If he's doing these things, let him get on with doing them! Tights and a top isn't a big problem and crumpled sleeves isn't either! If it's something of yours you need flat then straighten that out or wash it yourself, but otherwise just chuck everything back in the drawers!

OP, I have met mothers like that, so I can believe it, and YADNBU! It is absolutely none of her business what you dress the children in if it is your job to get them dressed. Does she take a lot of care over her own clothes? Maybe clothes are her "thing" and so she finds it hard to see them not as she would like them, but she's gonna need to get over it - what about when they start choosing their own clothes? That's gonna be a battle!

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CripsSandwiches · 01/02/2017 14:21

I disagree, I have just as much right to comment on what my dh does when he looks after the children as he does when I look after them.

You have a right to comment if you're genuinely concerned but no one would waste time be concerned about an imperfectly matched outfit. If you nit pick constantly you're going to have relationship issues which will actually impact your child a lot more. I can't imagine how annoyed I'd be if my DH started questioning how many books I read to my DS a day, or whether I'd given him 6 or 7 portions of veg. Save criticisms for big issues that are going to have an impact on our child not minor vanity issues.

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HarryPottersMagicWand · 01/02/2017 14:34

tootsie I have washed it myself thanks. I always do the washing, occasionally of a weekend I ask DH to hang it up. And no I'm not going to leave crumpled up washing and then put it in the drawer. It will be damp, smell and go mouldy so don't be so ridiculous.

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bumsexatthebingo · 01/02/2017 16:48

Well one persons nit picking or nagging is anothers commenting. I reserve the right to talk to dh about whatever the hell I like - important or not!

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tootsietoo · 01/02/2017 17:39

Sorry, that came out a bit sharply just because of bitter personal experience. I was the nitpicking neat freak who tried to tell people how they should do things that they had kindly offered to do for me (thinking of my DM and MIL here). I was a bit of a cow really. After 10 years of family life I have finally chilled out a bit and really, I'm just grateful for whatever cooking and housework gets done by anyone, children, DH, PIL, parents, whoever! It makes life much easier not to care too much how they do it!

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Astoria7974 · 01/02/2017 17:46

This is unreasonable behaviour & when OP has had enough it'll end in divorce. The kind the OP's wife 'didn't see coming' because her nitpicking has become a way of life. If I were you OP I'd explain to her exactly how you feel and tell her clearly that the onus is on HER to change. If she nags or nit picks you will not listen to her.

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bumsexatthebingo · 01/02/2017 18:05

Happily married for nearly 20 years despite my nagging (having the audacity to dare suggest to my other husband that some clothes go better together than others)
And d'you know what - that's not even the most unreasonable behaviour either of us have to put up with from each other from time to time. no wonder the fucking divorce rate is so high

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