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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my new boyfriend is actually in love with his work colleague

359 replies

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 21:48

I've known him a year now, met him when he had a girlfriend and once they split he got chatting to me on facebook and asked me on a date. We ended up dating and I've now met his family. He is obviously the type of guy who doesn't like to me alone as he's had three longterm relationships and after each longterm relationship he's started a new relationship weeks later. But it didn't bother me too much as he did seem genuinely over his ex and each relationship he's had has lasted over 3 years.

So he told me about a leaving party for an old work colleague but warned me that one of the women there had the hots for him so if he seemed off with her that was why. Sure enough when he arrived he avoided being around her and made a big point of holding my hand and showing her it was me he liked. Then one of the group got drunk, put their arm around the work colleague and told her she was beautiful to which my boyfriend showed visible distress. Before she was leaving he stopped her and told her to contact him if she needed anything.

A few months later we put our relationship on facebook. A lot of people liked it but the work colleague didnt. I saw on his facebook that a few days later he messaged his work colleague asking her a question I knew he already knew the answer to. I think he might have wanted her to see his profile picture and to know we had made it faceook official and that we were together. She replied saying she didn't know the answer to the question and hoped he was well. He never replied.

But he has searched her very regularly. He has searched her more than he has searched me or his ex put together. Infact he's only looked at his ex's profile once since they split.

Also, if she is an unwanted admirer surely you wouldn't message her? And although he has only messaged her once, that doesn't mean anything. If he likes her a lot he's probably be considering messaging for a long time but only just got the courage.

She has only messaged him once and that was a few days after mine and his first date and it was strictly about work. He did reply to her first message but not subsequent ones.

She has liked one of his profile pics but it's clear she's never initiated any contact or written any comments on his wall.

I'm now pretty sure she has never made any moves on him, and looking at her she is gorgeous so I can't see her being in love with my current boyfriend eventhough he is good looking.

If you're in a new relationship and in love, why would you be searching an old work colleague you've not seen for a while and messaging them? Why would you desire them to see you're in a relationship and comment on your facebook?

My best friend is the only one I've spoken to about this, and she said he asked you out. It's out he's interested and not to worry. If he liked her he would have made some kind of move. He hasn't so isn't interested.

I just get the feeling that if she messaged him now to say let's go for a date. He would say yes. He is too scared to ask her out so is trying to get her to ask him/show interest in him.

AIBU|?

OP posts:
SpongebobRoundPants · 30/01/2017 19:57

Quark has it been a long day? Maybe you should have an early night.

P.s I'm not a mother but I think you sound barking mad Grin

Quarksoundslikequack · 30/01/2017 20:08

Yes, yes I am!

I just go along with it all!

Teatowelfairy · 30/01/2017 20:13

😂

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 30/01/2017 20:21

Sorry to derail, or re-rail as the case may be.
But OP I don't understand why you thin your bf would send messages about work to a woman to show her he's not interested? Wouldn't not messaging her do that?

Ps quark having sex with someone doesn't forfeit your right to privacy. If the DV thing was true then I am
Sorry you had to go through that it's horrible and as you're pregnant I'll just assume the name calling was just hormones getting the better of you. Also the "taken away by god" thing, did he die or did he become a priest? I can't decide between the two.

Backt0Black · 30/01/2017 20:36

Quark. Perhaps someone that gives a shit about your problems or is craving any more of your awesome 'humour' could walk you through creating your very own thread?

{{looks around}} {{shrugs}} nope.

BonnyScotland · 30/01/2017 22:37

its rather fascinating to see all these POSTS ripping this Lass apart for even touching his FB account.. when there are thousands of posts on here from women hacking facebook accounts mobile phones emails everything...

how bizarre ....

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 31/01/2017 07:42

Not remotely bizarre - those of us who think that nosing through people's private communications is a cunty thing to do aren't the same ones who advocate that people 'hack' into other people's account.

Miserylovescompany2 · 31/01/2017 07:55

Relationships are built in trust. If you find yourself having to play detective, something is clearly amiss.

I have nothing to hide, but, I'd hate to think that someone thought it was acceptable to go through my phone or check up on me and analyse my every move or thought. It would be suffocating. It would have me running for the hills...

Bluntness100 · 31/01/2017 08:02

Well op is also looking st his search history, that's where it gets too much in my view. It's not just Facebook.

And quark, so now you're saying the whole you were comfortable with each other and he took a dump whilst you were in the shower and you have ibs and needed him to sit with you\hold your hand whilst you took a crap in case you passed out was all made up for the lols, but the abuse was real?

All very strange.

Original poster
wiltedflower28 · 31/01/2017 10:10

Thanks for the replies everyone. He's messaged her again this morning to ask her how her new job is going. He told me and said he won't do it again. He's said he's just seeking her attention but has no interest in her as she is a single Mum and he's not ready for the responsibilities of a child. His best friend also said my 'boyfriend' is always like that and just craves female attention.

To be honest, it's not really true because he's really good looking and has women messaging him and flirting with him all the time. He can get female attention anytime he wants. He just wants HER attention. And they stopped working together over 10 months ago, if it was just a case of wanting female attention I'm sure he would have forgotten her by now as just a women he used to work with.

I suppose one day he will eventually get the courage to ask her on a date. I don't think he has already and she's rejected him. But I think, while she's been friendly, she's never flirted and so that's a rejection in his eyes.

And I definitely think he messaged her so she would notice that he was now in a relationship in a pathetic attempt to get her to be jealous and act on it. I think he's too scared to make a move so is trying to cause a reaction in her to persuade her to ask him out.

Of course I don't KNOW any of this or what he's thinking but that's what my gut instinct is. I have stayed in contact with work colleagues male and female but not in this manner.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I appreciate them.

OP posts:
CondensedMilkSarnies · 31/01/2017 10:15

As I said before Op , relationships just shouldn't be this angst ridden !

Original poster
wiltedflower28 · 31/01/2017 10:20

Yeah I know. I never knew men could be this stupid with women. If she does like him she's going to think he's not interested so it's not going to work.

Ignoring her
Getting a new girlfriend
Never asking her out on a date
Only messaging once every few months

I'm not sure hoe this is going to win her over.

Yeah I've decided to end it anyway.

OP posts:
welcometowonderland · 31/01/2017 10:21

Bloody hell OP. You're still analysing every minute detail.

Why are you with this guy? Have some self respect.

Original poster
wiltedflower28 · 31/01/2017 10:25

I've left him.

OP posts:
MrsEvadneCake · 31/01/2017 10:26

Wilted well done. You take care of yourself. He's honestly not worth your angst love.

Beelzebop · 31/01/2017 10:27

Good, you weren't happy at all!

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/01/2017 10:32

That's a good result. You're worth so much more.

charity29 · 31/01/2017 10:35

He's never asked her on a date. Messaged only about work. Get's into a relationship with someone else once he's single. I can't see why anyone thinks he's into this woman at all.

annielouise · 31/01/2017 10:41

wilted - I think you've woken up and seen it all now. He's very mixed up. On the one hand he says he wouldn't get involved with a woman with a child, on the other the signs are clearly there that he fancies her a lot. You don't deserve this. Have you actually finished it with him? He seems so strange. How did he explain away the "visible distress" to you and how can he just come out and say he's after her attention. What does he think you're going to do? Hang around after that? Is he trying to get you to finish it so he's the good guy? He seems to like being that. He's trying to get her to react to ask him out or at least show her cards. Just gutless behaviour. Very immature. Run for the hills.

Smellyoulateralligater · 31/01/2017 11:35

Fast work OP! 👍🏽

bummymummy77 · 31/01/2017 12:26

Good op. I rarely say LTB but he clearly liked her and was clearly making you miserable. Flowers

Gotbills2pay · 31/01/2017 12:33

Good for you OP. The fact you came on here and asked about your situation shows you had a lot of doubts although you clearly are very fond of him. But you need someone a bit more mature than this guy.

Bluntness100 · 31/01/2017 12:45

Ah, I think that's probably for the best op, it wasn't healthy for you and his behaviour is not good, I suspect he's also trying to make you feel jealous and insecure.

Appears some men are so fucked up they can't treat women as humans and equals, they have to play games with them, which he is doing with you both.

He really deserves to end up alone unless he can grow up and learn to behave in an adult fashion.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 31/01/2017 13:05

Well done 0p. Who needs the drama of an attention seeker!

Foxysoxy01 · 31/01/2017 13:15

You have done the right thing OP. You deserve to be no.1 to someone not a second best because he is too scared of rejection, you are worth much more than that!

Did he admit to wanting to be with her when you had the finishing it talk?

Be kind to yourself, break ups are shit but it will get better. Flowers

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