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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To think my new boyfriend is actually in love with his work colleague

359 replies

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 21:48

I've known him a year now, met him when he had a girlfriend and once they split he got chatting to me on facebook and asked me on a date. We ended up dating and I've now met his family. He is obviously the type of guy who doesn't like to me alone as he's had three longterm relationships and after each longterm relationship he's started a new relationship weeks later. But it didn't bother me too much as he did seem genuinely over his ex and each relationship he's had has lasted over 3 years.

So he told me about a leaving party for an old work colleague but warned me that one of the women there had the hots for him so if he seemed off with her that was why. Sure enough when he arrived he avoided being around her and made a big point of holding my hand and showing her it was me he liked. Then one of the group got drunk, put their arm around the work colleague and told her she was beautiful to which my boyfriend showed visible distress. Before she was leaving he stopped her and told her to contact him if she needed anything.

A few months later we put our relationship on facebook. A lot of people liked it but the work colleague didnt. I saw on his facebook that a few days later he messaged his work colleague asking her a question I knew he already knew the answer to. I think he might have wanted her to see his profile picture and to know we had made it faceook official and that we were together. She replied saying she didn't know the answer to the question and hoped he was well. He never replied.

But he has searched her very regularly. He has searched her more than he has searched me or his ex put together. Infact he's only looked at his ex's profile once since they split.

Also, if she is an unwanted admirer surely you wouldn't message her? And although he has only messaged her once, that doesn't mean anything. If he likes her a lot he's probably be considering messaging for a long time but only just got the courage.

She has only messaged him once and that was a few days after mine and his first date and it was strictly about work. He did reply to her first message but not subsequent ones.

She has liked one of his profile pics but it's clear she's never initiated any contact or written any comments on his wall.

I'm now pretty sure she has never made any moves on him, and looking at her she is gorgeous so I can't see her being in love with my current boyfriend eventhough he is good looking.

If you're in a new relationship and in love, why would you be searching an old work colleague you've not seen for a while and messaging them? Why would you desire them to see you're in a relationship and comment on your facebook?

My best friend is the only one I've spoken to about this, and she said he asked you out. It's out he's interested and not to worry. If he liked her he would have made some kind of move. He hasn't so isn't interested.

I just get the feeling that if she messaged him now to say let's go for a date. He would say yes. He is too scared to ask her out so is trying to get her to ask him/show interest in him.

AIBU|?

OP posts:
RedastheRose · 29/01/2017 22:17

I would think, from what you have said, that he does have a crush on her which. Is entirely unreciprocated. If he does it's not the end of the world. Lots of women and men have crushes on people who they would never dream of actually taking it further. You need to concentrate on your new relationship and see how things go but it is too early for you to be this insecure. I would also think that you should be concerned that you may be wasting your time expecting a long term relationship with your new bf because he isn't taking enough time between relationships to actually find out who he wants to be with.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/01/2017 22:17

OP, all I can say is, and I'm not being goady, in the slightest, if you smell a rat, there generally is one. If I were you, I wouldn't continue this relationship, I would end it now, whilst it is still in its infancy.
You are not going to do yourself any favours continuing it.
I liken it to a pair of ill fitting shoes, if they nip, and you continue to wear them, you'll get hurt.

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 22:18

What FWB?

I doubt he got knocked back as for some reason I genuinely don't think he's ever made any kind of move. But when they worked together he had a longterm girlfriend and he doesn't cheat so wouldn't have made any moves.

I don't think he is the kind too actually cheat. But if he's just with me for the company and his feelings lie elsewhere I don't want this. There's no point. But he'd never admit to liking her anyway.

OP posts:
EachandEveryone · 29/01/2017 22:19

How do you know how many times someone has searched for another's profile for my own curiosity

TurnipCake · 29/01/2017 22:21

OP, any relationship where you feel like you're going mad is not a relationship to be in. Believe me, I've done the leg work.

He clearly likes her, she may or may not feel the same way, but don't for a second buy his story that it was the other way round.

Cut this guy loose, by the sounds of it he'll be in a new relationship in a few weeks.

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 22:21

It's in their search history.
I guess I just need to think logically and remember, if he liked her he would have asked her out on a date or at least out with friends. He's never made any moves so can't be interested.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 29/01/2017 22:22

You have his Facebook log in and you check who he's messaging and searching? This is a new relationship? Confused

Maybe for your own sanity you should end things and move on.

Underthemoonlight · 29/01/2017 22:22

*Each*it involves logging on someone's FB and looking through the search bar and shows previous searches unless you clear them

Op this is not a healthily start to a relationship

Miserylovescompany2 · 29/01/2017 22:22

Maybe he asked her out and she declined (prior to you and him) the telling you she had the hots for him was probably to save face.

Curiosity killed the cat...

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 22:24

If she rejected him I doubt he would message her on facebook as he would be embarrassed and feeling rejected.

He's never done anything major to suggest interest. I do think he finds her attractive but she's a single mum and I can't imagine him wanting to be with a single mum. He even put on a status how he never wants children so he can't be into her.

I've stopped going on his facebook now and feel better for it.

OP posts:
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 29/01/2017 22:26

You're acting like a creepy stalker. This is not the habits of a happy person. If you're not happy- leave.

keepingfingerscrossed · 29/01/2017 22:28

OP - how do you know he hasn't asked her out before and she said no? Perhaps the "she has the hots for me so I won't speak to her" scenario was just to avoid it being awkward and/or you finding that out? I'm really sorry but I would be worried as you are. I would suspect that he had feelings for her and she has rebuffed him and he's trying to get her to notice his new relationship status in the vain hope she will be jealous. However that doesn't mean he doesn't like you. It might just be she was the something he focused on when getting out of his other long term relationship and he's always hoped something would happen. All pure conjecture of course. Can you ask him and say you thought he seemed more interested than he said he was and see what his reaction is? hope it works out OP x

Underthemoonlight · 29/01/2017 22:28

What's wrong with single moms? Seriously your threathed by this girl yes it does sound like she's knocked him back, yes him rubbing your relationship in her face saying he isn't interested in kids is to let her know she didn't get to him when she did.This could have happened prior to you and he feels rejected but the need for you to be checking up on him at such an early stage in the relationship is a massive red flag.

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 22:30

I do really like him. Sorry, but I think almost anyone would be concerned about it. No matter how much they say they wouldn't.

The only good thing is he did seem uncomfortable with her rather than in love and I doubt he would be interested in her as she is a single mum and he's always said he doesn't want children.

He was also all over me in front of her which he wouldn't have done if he liked her. He stayed just with me and away from her mostly. I feel better for having written this thread.

I agree I just need to forget about her, he's not interested in her.

OP posts:
keepingfingerscrossed · 29/01/2017 22:30

Sorry cross post with your latest message above - he could have sent her a message about work to try and keep the contact going? But if he did it for that reason then I would suspect he has strong feelings for her because that sounds like someone who has got it pretty bad.

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 22:31

Nothing wrong with a single mum but he's always said he does not want children and so I doubt he'd ever be interested in taking on someone else's.

I don't get the impression she's ever knocked him back. I'm certain he's never made any obvious moves on her.

OP posts:
haveacupoftea · 29/01/2017 22:32

This relationship is over before it even got started. You dont trust him and he fancies someone else.

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 22:33

Yeah obviously messaging her was to keep contact going. He already knew the answer to the question I think but maybe he didnt and just needed work advice. He only sent one quick message anyway. Didn't reply to her reply so didn't want to talk that much obviously. I'm going to forget about it.

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 29/01/2017 22:34

OP, my ex was all over me to convince himself that he didn't like this other woman.

He made up all sorts: he didn't fancy her because of a physical feature, he made disrespectful remarks about her chosen career, he didn't like her friends. If you have to work that hard at telling yourself that, then that in itself is a problem.

I told myself, "Of course he doesn't like her! Nope, no way, because if he did, he would have done this, he would have said that"

They've been married for a few years now. I was hurt at the time, but wish I had just let him go and saved myself the pain.

Foxysoxy01 · 29/01/2017 22:35

It sounds very much like she rejected him or he thinks she would if he asked her out, so didn't.

Why can't you ask him about being at the party and he seemed upset when someone made a comment to her and see what he says?

Your behaviour is not good, but it sounds like you do know that right?

I can't understand what you are getting from this relationship apart from massive insecurities and eventually a chronic self esteem issue. It shouldn't be this hard or this much angst. Find someone that isn't hung up on another woman and makes you feel secure straight off the bat.

Underthemoonlight · 29/01/2017 22:35

Your in denial you wouldn't be checking up on her likes and his searches and messages if you weren't threatened by her he was all over you to make her jealsous but it didn't work. By your own admission he upset when someone put their arm round her and said she was gorgeous. He send her a message asking a question he knew the answer to , to open up a conversation and when she was matter of fact he left the conversation. But you keep telling yourself he's totally 💯 focused on you and him Hmm

ilovesooty · 29/01/2017 22:36

This is just weird. I can't get over a grown adult making it Facebook official Grin

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 22:39

Yeah I know my behaviour isn't good.

It's mainly the way he was at the party not his social media behaviour.

She id initiate contact first and he didn't respond to her except one quick reply so although part of me thinks he does like her, his actions just do not show that.

Yes he gets jealous, yes he does seem upset but at the end of the day he's made no effort to even get t know this woman and has never pursued her at all. Sending one message when they've not worked together in 10 months is nothing. He's had 10 months to make a move and never has. Makes me think he never will and has no intention of doing so.

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 29/01/2017 22:40

Unfortunately on AIBU, if you say anything in your OP that suggests you are not a perfect person, then you will always be found U!

Now that's out of the way - it seems pretty clear to me that it was the party that set off your suspicions and you are definitely right to be suspicious. really it comes down to whether you can continue to date him knowing that he probably would prefer to be seeing someone else. It's probably a very common situation to be in, just that most people in that situation are more subtle than your guy...

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 22:41

He was all over me to show her he wasn't interested. Not to make her jealous. He was letting her know he isn't up for anything. When she tried to speak to him he would walk away. Doesn't get more blatant then that.

She did look jealous actually. She was noticing.

OP posts: