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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To think my new boyfriend is actually in love with his work colleague

359 replies

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 21:48

I've known him a year now, met him when he had a girlfriend and once they split he got chatting to me on facebook and asked me on a date. We ended up dating and I've now met his family. He is obviously the type of guy who doesn't like to me alone as he's had three longterm relationships and after each longterm relationship he's started a new relationship weeks later. But it didn't bother me too much as he did seem genuinely over his ex and each relationship he's had has lasted over 3 years.

So he told me about a leaving party for an old work colleague but warned me that one of the women there had the hots for him so if he seemed off with her that was why. Sure enough when he arrived he avoided being around her and made a big point of holding my hand and showing her it was me he liked. Then one of the group got drunk, put their arm around the work colleague and told her she was beautiful to which my boyfriend showed visible distress. Before she was leaving he stopped her and told her to contact him if she needed anything.

A few months later we put our relationship on facebook. A lot of people liked it but the work colleague didnt. I saw on his facebook that a few days later he messaged his work colleague asking her a question I knew he already knew the answer to. I think he might have wanted her to see his profile picture and to know we had made it faceook official and that we were together. She replied saying she didn't know the answer to the question and hoped he was well. He never replied.

But he has searched her very regularly. He has searched her more than he has searched me or his ex put together. Infact he's only looked at his ex's profile once since they split.

Also, if she is an unwanted admirer surely you wouldn't message her? And although he has only messaged her once, that doesn't mean anything. If he likes her a lot he's probably be considering messaging for a long time but only just got the courage.

She has only messaged him once and that was a few days after mine and his first date and it was strictly about work. He did reply to her first message but not subsequent ones.

She has liked one of his profile pics but it's clear she's never initiated any contact or written any comments on his wall.

I'm now pretty sure she has never made any moves on him, and looking at her she is gorgeous so I can't see her being in love with my current boyfriend eventhough he is good looking.

If you're in a new relationship and in love, why would you be searching an old work colleague you've not seen for a while and messaging them? Why would you desire them to see you're in a relationship and comment on your facebook?

My best friend is the only one I've spoken to about this, and she said he asked you out. It's out he's interested and not to worry. If he liked her he would have made some kind of move. He hasn't so isn't interested.

I just get the feeling that if she messaged him now to say let's go for a date. He would say yes. He is too scared to ask her out so is trying to get her to ask him/show interest in him.

AIBU|?

OP posts:
Quarksoundslikequack · 30/01/2017 12:28

Vaso vagal

Miserylovescompany2 · 30/01/2017 12:29

So he's in a new relationSHIT with God?

bummymummy77 · 30/01/2017 12:29

It's only poo ffs.

Quarksoundslikequack · 30/01/2017 12:30

Yes he is, god took him from me :(

Apparently he's a much better lover who has boundaries Sad

bummymummy77 · 30/01/2017 12:30

Dh got plastered in my shit a few days after I'd had ds. Long story. He was a bit 'yuk' but not that bothered.

But he still wouldn't go through my phone. Or I his.

annielouise · 30/01/2017 12:31

wilted - he showed "visible distress" when someone paid her a compliment. Visible distress. That's not the sign of someone who doesn't like someone. How on earth did he rationalise that to you? He bent over backwards at this do to show her that it's you he likes. Again not the sign of someone who doesn't like someone - as someone said, if he wasn't interested he wouldn't have bothered as she wouldn't matter. He's immature and tried to make her jealous.

What's happened between them could be anything. He's not going to tell you the truth as he risks losing you. And men - especially a serial monogamist as he's proved to be - don't want to be alone so he won't risk that, especially when she either doesn't want him or is playing hard to get herself. It might never got past the flirting stage. Or the timing might have been wrong with him being with his ex and when he made another move when they split up she had her pride and said no. Something is unrequited. You feel it as you keep digging for evidence. I'd let it go. Sorry. You deserve a bit better.

SpongebobRoundPants · 30/01/2017 12:31

Well this thread has taken an interesting turn...

MrsEvadneCake · 30/01/2017 12:31

Exactly Bummymummy

FrizzBombDelight · 30/01/2017 12:34

I don't think you are creepy, I think it is very normal! You need to trust your instincts here. You obviously only went as far as logging on to his fb because you sensed something was off.

welcometowonderland · 30/01/2017 12:35

What the hell kind of thread have I landed on?

MrsEvadneCake · 30/01/2017 12:36

You're down the rabbit hole now Wonderland

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2017 12:37

Ok this had gone a bit crazy, to say the least.

Giving birth or having an accident in the shower are very different to taking an every day poo. On uour below list, the first would be the norm, yes, it would be unusual to wish uour partner to hold your hand as you took a dump.

The rest are normal parts of most peoples relationships, so unsure why they are being lumped in, along with childbirth and shower accidents with having uour hand help whilst you shit. It's normal for uour partner to see you naked, or to shower with uou, or to have a sexual relationship, it is less the norm to wish your partner to hold your hand whilst you poo and to expect them to forfeit all privacy if you have sex. That's all that people are saying.

Don't ask anyone to hold your hand whilst having a shit
Don't let anyone touch your phone
Don't let anyone see you naked
Don't let anyone have sex with you
Don't shower/bathe with anyone

OlennasWimple · 30/01/2017 12:38
OnionKnight · 30/01/2017 12:38

I knew that drinking Red Bull and eating a Mars Bar would make me feel floaty but fucking hell this thread is insane Grin

MrsEvadneCake · 30/01/2017 12:39

Wilted no one here can tell you why he's been looking at her profile etc. We sadly can't tell you if he liked her, wants her to be jealous or has no interest. Only he can.

If it's bothering you then maybe you need to think about the relationship with him and if you are as happy/settled as you want to be or deserve to be.

Your best friend has offered an opinion. We can only say that if you aren't feeling right about something then look at why.

Quarksoundslikequack · 30/01/2017 12:39

So do you think if I promise my ex I won't ask him to hold my hand whilst taking a crap....he'll leave god & come back to me??

MrsEvadneCake · 30/01/2017 12:40

Doubtful Quark

Miserylovescompany2 · 30/01/2017 12:42

He's found God, left PooVille...

Quarksoundslikequack · 30/01/2017 12:43

Well that is a damn shame!

Suppose I better just accept, I scared him off by asking him to hold my hand Sad

Miserylovescompany2 · 30/01/2017 12:46

Maybe a little more than that hand holding bit sent him and Willy Wonky on their merry way...

2014newme · 30/01/2017 12:47

I think the memory still scars him. Perhaps god can perform a miracle and wipe his memory. 💩
Next time Quark, keep your dignity. Close the bathroom door and keep it that way.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 30/01/2017 12:49

Onion 😂😂😂😂

Quarksoundslikequack · 30/01/2017 12:49

So annoyed with myself....besides the physical & mental abuse from him....he actually was a pretty decent guy!

He told me he loved me after hitting me...cuddled me after telling me to go kill my self....said he was sorry after telling me to have an abortion.

I do hope I find someone like him again.

Ecstatic he's the father of my baby!

2014newme · 30/01/2017 12:53

He was a shit relationship choice.
At least he's gone.

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2017 12:55

Quark, I'm not sure what you are doing, no one knows you here and clearly no one is saying you should be in an abusive relationship.

Maybe you need to start your own thread?

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