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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bed blocking in hospitals

465 replies

SummitLove · 29/01/2017 10:53

AIBU to think that actually a lot of this situation is being caused by families taking no, or very little responsibility, in caring for their elderly relatives?

Are we, as a society, now in a situation where many of us our so entitled we just expect social services or the health services to provide everything? Seems to have been a huge shift from families being involved in care to families expecting others to provide care for elderly relatives.

Mooching over this thought today and would love to hear responses from both sides.

Have three elderly people near us (one couple and one single) that we help out as their families appear to have washed their hands of them. They rarely visit, don't organise simple things like online shopping, or come and help with trimming the hedges in the summer. Honestly, it's been so cold these past few days that I would have expected someone to have called or check in on them.

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 01/02/2017 10:29

quite frankly, that makes me less eager to help with their care! I have my own family to care for and I can't do that if I fall down a spiral staircase because I'm carrying heavy pans up and down.

If they gave a bit more thought to those who may need to care for them in the future, I would do more.

If I say "no" and they get a care company in who risk assesses it as not an appropriate/safe setting for carers, then at least that might get them to reconsider their stubburn stance against newer style houses… but it probably won't!

ExplodedCloud · 01/02/2017 11:18

There are so many things wrong with the MP's fluffy headed nonsense, it's hard to know where to start really. Practical, financial and emotional.
Yet he's in a position of power and that's frightening.

TinselTwins · 01/02/2017 11:32

Nah it's fine! I'm sure our elderly relatives will be grateful to sleep on our kitchen counter-tops! Since that's the only space we have for them in our home

Fucking idiot! we don't all have big homes with spare en suite rooms Angry

Kidnapped · 01/02/2017 13:39

He doesn't mean "people look after their parents"
He means "women"

Exactly. And where elderly parents are unfortunate enough only to have sons, then their daughters-in-law should step up there also.

I'd be interested to hear how he has juggled his career with caring for his parents.

ExplodedCloud · 01/02/2017 16:15

Tinsel we'd need a castle to care for 4 parents, two of whom are very acrimoniously divorced and have only been in the same room once in 40 years!!

Famalam13 · 01/02/2017 16:27

So true Cloud DH and I both come from divorced and remarried parents so we could theoretically have 8 to care for. I would like to see the government's suggestions as to how we manage that!

Badders123 · 01/02/2017 17:30

Add to that - even if prepared to care for a relative - what if they don't want that?
I wouldn't want my sons wiping my arse (even if they were prepared to)
My mother is now very frail.
I do a lot for her but I will not be her carer - neither she nor I want that.

ExplodedCloud · 01/02/2017 17:44

My df couldnt cope living with us either. We have primary age dc and he struggles with noise.

Badders123 · 01/02/2017 18:37

I think most elderly people do to be fair.
Imagine if your elderly relative stepped in some Lego? A painful nuisance to us....a possible trip to a and e for them!

TinselTwins · 01/02/2017 18:43

My MIL had an Op when DD2 was a baby - I was off on maternity leave and commented on what good timing it was because i was off work and could come round and help her out when she was recovering.

She (very very nicely but firmly) told me that although she adored the DDs, could I please stay away after her OP unless I was coming alone, she just wouldn't have the energy for them, and while she adores the time she spends with them she also feels exhausted afterwards, which is normally fine but she didn't want it when she was recovering.

Imagine telling her that she had to move in with us because social care and elderly care was being replaced with "adopt your nan whether you like it or not" laws/policies?

harleysmammy · 01/02/2017 18:49

I dont get it, so families expect social services and the nhs to do everything instead of doing it themselves?

My grandad became extremely poorly last year, spent 6 months in hospital and is now bedbound. He has last stage parkinsons and severe aggressive dementia. He cant do anything for himself and has a floating hip so cant move below his waist. He cant even feed himself or hold a drink up to drink from. He's aggressive 9/10 but thats the dementia, he has always been a quiet and loving man and has never so much as shouted at us. He shouts down the stairs every two seconds (literally) because he hallucinates and thinks there are people in the room so he calls downstairs to my nan, she's 77, how can she be expected to run up and downstairs every two seconds to sort him out? How can a 77 year old woman lift him, a paralyzed man, onto a commode every time he needs the toilet? How can she be expected to change his pads and turn him for bed sores on her own?? She isnt on her own. Me, my 4 other cousins, my dad and his 2 brothers call in EVERYDAY without fail, since he has been home, 4 months ago, we have ALL been in too see him every single day. I'm 27 weeks pregnant, how can i lift him onto the commode? Or run up and down stairs all the time? My 2 cousins are under 10, how can they be expected to do it? My dad, his brothers and my 2 other cousins work every day..so how can they care for him when they're working? My family is extremely close knit but im sorry, without social services care coming in 5 times a day, my grandad would probably have died months ago. We do what we can but we cant do everything. Thats what they are there for, thats what they get paid to do.

cushioncovers · 01/02/2017 18:52

I dont get it, so families expect social services and the nhs to do everything instead of doing it themselves?

Not all families but there are a lot that do.

Badders123 · 01/02/2017 19:00

Even those who can afford it refuse to put plans in place for their old age.
My Dhs aunt and uncle are an example.
He has Parkinson's and is deteriorating.
She is now basically housebound with him and is abusive to him as she hates it.
They own property, have a holiday home (which they will never visit again) have plenty of money but WILL not get "people" in to help.
It's a miserable situation, but one of their own making.

Quartz2208 · 01/02/2017 19:04

It's not about expecting nhs/social services to do everything it about the fact that they can have complex needs which can't be dealt with by family members. My Grandma in law before she went into a care home (pretty much for end of life care) had careers going in 4 times a day plus at least two family members. Being practically immobile, deaf and blind she needed it.

TheFirstMrsDV · 01/02/2017 19:43

Not all families but there are a lot that do
Do they?

What is it that they expect the NHS and SS to do?
How many of them expect it?

cushioncovers · 01/02/2017 20:14

I work in the NHS and like I said there are a lot of families but not all that expect the nurses and social workers to provide all aspects of care and future care for their elderly relative.

Kidnapped · 02/02/2017 11:48

If families really truly didn't care, they wouldn't turn up at the hospital, would they? They wouldn't be involved in any aspect of the discharge.

They'd get a call from the hospital saying "Your mum is in intensive care", they'd say "So what?" and go back to watching The Apprentice.

The fact that they are involved at all suggests that they might actually care just a bit about their relative.

brasty · 02/02/2017 11:55

My FIL now needs help and we do help him. My SIL used to give lots of help, but she got fed up of the awful way he treated her, and has done for years, and now refuses to do anything. But he is such a sweet old man to outsiders.

brasty · 02/02/2017 11:58

TheFirstMrsDV
Getting someone in to help is a step many older people find hard to take. Even if they are entitled to free help, many resist it until they have no choice.

brasty · 02/02/2017 11:59

Incidentally, whenever we tell anyone outside the family the kind of things FIL says, they always suggest dementia. As my DP says, he hasn't got dementia, he has always been a bit of a bastard.

TheFirstMrsDV · 02/02/2017 15:10

What was that in reply to Brasty?

Original poster
SummitLove · 02/02/2017 15:23

If families really truly didn't care, they wouldn't turn up at the hospital, would they? They wouldn't be involved in any aspect of the discharge.

Kidnapped - the family I was referring to didn't turn up to the hospital. This is why the elderly person had to be admitted, rather than discharged home from A&E that night. I phoned them, the hospital doctors phoned them, their mother phoned them.

OP posts:
helpimitchy · 02/02/2017 15:51

'Getting someone in to help is a step many older people find hard to take. Even if they are entitled to free help, many resist it until they have no choice.'

Agreed, but then they can't complain when things go wrong and they find they can't cope. Also, those who keep saying "don't put me in a home", but then do absolutely nothing to help their chances of actually remaining at home.

It appears to me that many people just don't accept that they're going to become old. They're not approaching things in an adult fashion. This is what troubles me about mil. She doesn't like some of the decisions that dh has had to take, but never actually played any part in expressing what she did want and what part she might play in making it happen. We're now left with a lot of guilt and worry.

Elderly people are adults, not children.

Kidnapped · 02/02/2017 17:12

Ah, the OP is back.

What caring do you do for your relative, OP? Presumably it is an aunt or uncle if the cousin is involved?

Do your own parents contribute to the care of their sibling?

Original poster
SummitLove · 02/02/2017 17:15

kidnapped I answered your question earlier- we do everything, between my cousin and I and our partners.

Your presumption about the relative is incorrect.

OP posts: