Bed blocking in hospitals

[SummitLove]

AIBU to think that actually a lot of this situation is being caused by families taking no, or very little responsibility, in caring for their elderly relatives?

Are we, as a society, now in a situation where many of us our so entitled we just expect social services or the health services to provide everything? Seems to have been a huge shift from families being involved in care to families expecting others to provide care for elderly relatives.

Mooching over this thought today and would love to hear responses from both sides.

Have three elderly people near us (one couple and one single) that we help out as their families appear to have washed their hands of them. They rarely visit, don't organise simple things like online shopping, or come and help with trimming the hedges in the summer. Honestly, it's been so cold these past few days that I would have expected someone to have called or check in on them.

Thanks for sharing bigblue. That does sound really difficult and is another perfect example of what I've been educated on in this thread - the family willingness to help not being accepted, but also the difficulties in internal family situations.

Which is also making me think that I should maybe saying to friends who have children with disabilities, do you want me to come around and be with them for a couple of hours so you can pop in and see your mum everyone once in a while?

Summit. My dad Has advanced metastatic cancer and is 'blocking' a hospital bed. He requires two nursing assistants to move him in the bed to take the weight off his pressure sore. He needs morphing sulphate tablets twice daily and oramorph in between. He needs a bed pan to use the toilet and he cannot weight bear. Should I be looking after him at home as well as my two kids under 4, doing my job and running my house. My mum cannot cope with his needs any more and I'm an only child.

'Lots of people have disagreed with me, far more than have agreed with me.'

In what world is this? The vast majority have been trying to explain to you why the opinion in your OP is not valid.

Forty macmillian were great when we had this issue.

I think that getting things in place when you are younger, say 50s/60s, is required.
My DM at 89 refused to sign the no resuscitation form which the Care Home asked her to fill in. Discussing money with her by that age was fraught.
When asked all she would say was she would prefer to be in her own home. But really she couldn't manage at home, she couldn't weight bear, but what I think she meant was she wanted the clock turned back to when she was capable and had an interesting life and that was before she was in the home.
She also expected family to cut the hedge etc but really it would have been better just to pay someone to do that, which she could afford to do, so we could take her out or spend time with her, not in the garden.
I don't remember any of my elderly relatives saying they wanted to die. I think that when it becomes a realty everyone wants to live as long as they can.
So, as I said, the plans for money, homes etc should be made when we are younger.

I work in this sector. It's complicated. But big factors I see are

• unwillingness to plan ahead (resulting in unsuitable housing, elderly parents living long distances from family) - like Alchemist said above
• fetishisation of independence - a culture that believes someone bed bound and alone other than quick visits by carers 3 times a day is still independent and therefore somehow better off than someone living in a care home
• the view that an elderly person's home is someone else's inheritance rather than a source of funding for a comfortable old age
• inexperience: both the elderly person and their family are coming at this new and learning as they go along.

That said, there are PLENTY of cases where elderly relatives are not being given the help they could be given by nearby family, and that's heartbreaking.

Forty - No, I think with all the will in the world you wouldn't be able to provide that level of care. Do you still visit him? There are people who desperately need the care, even though there may be family willingness - as people have said in this thread - but there are people who don't need the care, but need a little bit of support in the short term to avoid a hospital admission.

Would also like to second the suggestion of Macmillan. They are really wonderful. I'm sorry to read about your Dad.

governments have totally failed to prepare for the aging population

Well, govs have failed to make the taxpayers pay much more to cover the cost of caring for an ageing population.
I wonder why?

Expat Lots of people have agreed with me, far more have disagreed - I am reading and responding without throwing personal insults around or putting down other people's experiences.

And expat my opinion on something I've experienced is valid. You may not like it, but it's a valid that I have formed that opinion due to my experiences. It's also pretty valid that I chose to discuss it.

Which is also making me think that I should maybe saying to friends who have children with disabilities, do you want me to come around and be with them for a couple of hours so you can pop in and see your mum everyone once in a while?

Err, no thanks but feel free to go visit my self-neglecting problem-drinking DF and trim his hedges for him while you're there... Freeing me up from one bit of wifework, so that I can go and do a different bit of wifework is not what's needed.

Yes we visit daily, although this week will be hard to manage that. Macmillan gave us some forms about getting a grant for a chair. Not much else I'm afraid!

I'm sure we can all find examples of families where they aren't giving any support at all but could. But the question asked in the OP was whether this was a large part of the problem. With a suggestion that this was due to being entitled.

And the answer to that question is no. It is much more complex than that. We could compel the families that could pop in once a week to do that, but I don't believe that would make much difference to the situation at the moment. Because most people who are stuck in hospital have caring needs that are more complex than that.

If family come forward offering to help with elderly relatives it is seen as a possibility round here that the Social Services will take a big step back (due to lack of funds) so that is quite a major disincentive to helping out.

PurplewithRed,
That's really interesting.

fetishisation of independence - a culture that believes someone bed bound and alone other than quick visits by carers 3 times a day is still independent and therefore somehow better off than someone living in a care home

Penelope

too many managers in the NHS and not enough nurses, matrons and auxiliary staff, too much money spent on messing around with NHS in general. And frankly that arse, hunt the cunt, hasn't a clue!

Forty
My mum gets help from the local hospice, even though we're not near the end of life care quite yet. They can offer help at home in some circumstances - might be worth a try?

Purple That is really interesting to read. I had no idea that someone who was bed-bound but had carer's visiting would be classed as independent. That's actually terrifying. Does this mean that our social care statistics for the elderly when planning financially are not very reliable? It seems totally barbaric to say anyone that is bed bound is independent.

Skooba Another awful point coming out. And can see how that would easily put families off from offering to provide some of the care, or indeed, actively forcing them to take a backseat due to concerns that social services care would be withdrawn.

Purple has hit the nail on the head with that phrase. Very insightful.

My mum is 94 and currently in care because of advanced dementia. Thankfully she's in a lovely, homelike place with great staff that's 5 miles down the road from me. And thankfully she and Dad had the foresight to plan financially for this contingency.

My brother cared for our mum for years until her increasing paranoia made it impossible. She accused him of horrible things, all untrue. She called her friends and our family telling them that he was a rapist, throwing wild sex parties, and keeping women captive as sex slaves. She accused my sons of 'stealing her drugs' (she had no drugs of 'street value' and my sons aren't drug addicts). She accused us all of 'robbing her blind' and wanting to 'get rid of her for her money'. She started wandering outside her home in attempts to 'search' his car (and mine, if I was there) for these supposed women and/or her possessions that we were 'stealing'. The last straw was when she started calling 911 and reporting my brothers 'sex crimes' to the police! When the phone was removed to my brother's bedroom, she took to banging on neighbour's doors telling them to call 911. Can you imagine being woken out of a dead sleep by the police at your door asking you if they can look around for these supposed women? Getting calls from the neighbours saying that if you don't 'do something' that they will have to inform social service?

And this is a woman who was the most loving, considerate, and kind mother, wife, sister, friend that you would ever want to meet. This is the face of dementia.

Those of you that want to point fingers and criticize those of us who have had to make the awful decision to place a parent in care can just fuck right off!

Also really hate the term "wife work". Pretty scary to see how many people in this thread believe that caring and supporting relatives shouldn't be split between males and females in the families.

Across it's oh so easy to judge and place blame when you haven't had to do it!

Across comes out in your post that your family did a lot for your mother until the point came that you couldn't.