Bed blocking in hospitals

[SummitLove]

AIBU to think that actually a lot of this situation is being caused by families taking no, or very little responsibility, in caring for their elderly relatives?

Are we, as a society, now in a situation where many of us our so entitled we just expect social services or the health services to provide everything? Seems to have been a huge shift from families being involved in care to families expecting others to provide care for elderly relatives.

Mooching over this thought today and would love to hear responses from both sides.

Have three elderly people near us (one couple and one single) that we help out as their families appear to have washed their hands of them. They rarely visit, don't organise simple things like online shopping, or come and help with trimming the hedges in the summer. Honestly, it's been so cold these past few days that I would have expected someone to have called or check in on them.

fetishisation of independence.
Thing is the elderly relatives want to remain in their own home whether it is safe or not. People have rights. Even elderly deluded people.

OP, would you mind telling us what caring it is that you do exactly? What does it entail? How many hours per week do you spend?

Don't answer if you don't want to.

That said, there are PLENTY of cases where elderly relatives are not being given the help they could be given by nearby family, and that's heartbreakin

I think in 99% of cases, if it was historically a loving relationship, people will do what they feel they can to help

If it wasn't historically a mutually loving relationship, then it's probably better all round if they stay away

Kidnapped Do you mean for our own relative or for the neighbours?

Summit

YABU and your initial view is too simplistic by far. Each family is different and not all elderly people are nice and kind by any means.

This from an earlier poster is correct in my view:-

"No. It's not about family not helping. It's about persistent under investment in social care, and lack of access and funding to suitable community placements".

My late FIL fell into such a gap re suitable community placements. His level of care post his hospital stay necessitated a specialised level of nursing so he could not go home. The hospital staff spent a grand total of a month phoning daily around various nursing homes to see if a place for him could be found. Eventually they did find somewhere for him to go. In the meantime the local hospice could not take him because they were full and privately run nursing homes would not accept him due to the level of nursing care required.

For your own relative, Summit.

Everything. Split between myself, DP and my cousin and his partner.

We go to dementia support group once a week which runs activities. Now reading what skooba posted, I don't think we'd be eligible for any social services support...

You live with them, Summit?

Who looks after them while you work?

Do you have children?

It's an impossible situation, and I'd say in most cases it's not the extended families causing it. It's lack of investment in social care, an ageing population, and families already on their knees working to keep a roof over their heads.

DMIL has Alzheimer's. She was in hospital for three weeks recently due to a UTI. Up until her admission, she was cared for at home by DFIL and XH. It was an impossible situation, she has gone from being one of the loveliest people I have ever met, to being rude, aggressive, intolerant and downright nasty to everyone. Just the Alzheimer's speaking, we all know that, but she wouldn't have anyone in to help with her care, and XH was on his knees trying to look after her. Many tearful phone calls, and much guilt from me because I can't help.

The hospital kept her in because they couldn't release her back home until Social Services had put a care package into place, there are no dementia care beds available in the whole area, and XH simply cannot cope without help. You try cleaning shit off your 78yo aggressive mother when you're her son, she's fiercely private, and won't let you anywhere near her. Or is convinced her medication is poison, and the family is trying to kill you.

She's back home now, with a care package in place, but she has no idea she's home, and constantly asks when she will be going home.

That's the reality of caring for a relative with dementia, that's the reality in a family with plenty of money and an adult who is able to not work, yet still take care of his commitments, as well as care for their parent. Very, very few families are in that position now, most people have to hold down a full time job in order to survive.

I have seen this from both sides. I've worked in care for the last 6 years and seen lovely families devoted to doing the best for their elderly relatives and I've also see families that couldn't give a fuck and when a relative has needed hospitalisation have refused to go and be with them meaning that members of staff have had to accompany their relative to the hospital or they've had to sit alone in the hospital. I think that it's incredibly cruel to leave the people who raised you in their time of need and decide they are someone else's responsibility I do however understand the view that if the elderly person has been abusive there relatives can't bring themselves to care but I do think that this is in the minority.

My grandmother is an amazing grandma and great grandma however was not the best mum to my mum and auntie. She now has dementia and copd and no matter what my aunt has taken her on to live with them and will care for her even though sometimes it's a real struggle. I will always look after my mum in her old age however I'm unsure how I would care for my dad who has ignored me most of my life this thread has really got me thinking.

I think in 99% of cases, if it was historically a loving relationship, people will do what they feel they can to help
If it wasn't historically a mutually loving relationship, then it's probably better all round if they stay away

This.

My grandmother was incredibly lucky with my mother, but had she been not as nasty, she'd have got more visitors, and she'd have been able to stay in her home for longer, with people taking care of her.
She almost ruined my parents' relationship when they had her in their home.

. I think that it's incredibly cruel to leave the people who raised you in their time of need

Not everyone was "raised" up by their parents
Some were dragged up, literally.

is it better I start gently introducing help when they are 60ish

It's people who are 60ish plus who are doing the brunt of caring for older relatives as well as working and often looking after dgcs.

In terms of 'wifework', it's not that people think women should do the bulk of caring, it's an objective fact that they do.

Yes Tinsel which is why I did say I can understand it in those situations however this is not always the case. People that have always done their best for their families are being left too and that's cruel.

Because of the issues many here have described, l think the only realistic answer is convalescent homes in every town.....this would cost but less than creating more beds in hospitals...

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors though. Outwardly fabulous families are just as likely to be abusive. What's on show isn't necessarily what's true. Sometimes the most deprived families are the closest and healthiest.

I used to work in A&E.
Every single year we would get phone calls from some newspaper or other asking for a story on 'Granny Dumping'.
We never had one.
In the 6 years I worked there i don't recall a single case of dump and run at Christmas or in the summer holidays.
It suits the government's agenda to perpetuate the myth of broken Britain.
Its all the fault of 'those people'.
There will be selfish, lazy bastards who don't give their parent's the care they deserve but I see no evidence that they are the majority.

Problem is Dragon that social care isn't funded through the NHS and local authorities have even less money than the NHS (especially if you consider economies of scale), so who can or will build them.

Agree TheFirstMrsDV when I worked in elderly mental health acute ward we had cases of people being admitted from care homes which were inappropriate "granny dumping" however I can't ever recall family members doing this. In fact I can remember families cancelling holidays so they could support their mum/dad whilst in hospital and get homes ready, view care homes etc

Summit, my view isn't that caring SHOULD be women's work -- but that we must be realistic about the fact that currently it does tend to be. We must face the reality of it. And if we see it, don't like it, and want to change it (which I completely agree would be good) then government policies must play a part in making it an attractive option for all.

I'm all for initiatives like the one you mention that your employer offers, but in my entire working life I've never been lucky enough to work for an organisation that did this. When I got pregnant, I was made redundant. When my child was ill, I had to take unpaid leave or holiday (which I already needed in order to cover the holidays her childcare had in place). When my DSF developed dementia, his care was a full-time job for my retired mother, and at least ten hours a week of my time too. This was not something I could have done while working full-time.

Objectively speaking, too, the participation of women in the workforce has risen dramatically. If you look at labour market statistics you can see that this is the case -- most recently, from 53% in 1971 to 67% in 2013.

The other two changes I can see that would affect this are:

• Life expectancy continues to rise; there are more old people needing care.
• Geographic mobility means that children are no longer as likely to live near their parents.

It is hard.

In my grandmother's case, my parents were already in their 70s when she needed care.
The grandchildren were all in full time work with young children.

Having her at home meant having to take care of a large baby, complete with tantrums and sulks, as well as meanness.

Sometimes families are too far away and it's the elderly parents who don't want to move.

It's hard.

My parents are both 70 this year, they're moved into a council bungalow and fully intend to go on four holidays a year until all their money is gone - there will be nothing left for their infirmity. I live 3 hours away and have just had my first child, I work full time and 'popping in' for a cuppa would take up a weekend.

DBro is closer but doesn't drive and works for minimum wage while renting, so can't afford to the time/money to be travelling across town to see them.

My mum in particular isn't a very nice person, so visiting is an emotional hardship, sometimes one or both of us just isn't up to seeing her for a period of time.

My mum has already said she doesn't want us caring for her when she's infirm, she says 'put me in a home', and somehow seems to think the government will pay for it (despite my dad repeatedly voting tory and her not voting at all).

I offered my dad the option to live with us if she goes first (she regularly has falls and won't put measures in place to help so it's only a matter of time before she's disabled by one, at which point she'll drink herself to death in sort order I expect), he's said no, so I'm not really sure what I'm meant to do, no one can afford to pay for them to move closer to me, I can't afford to move my family to their area where there are no jobs.

I imagine one or both of them will be bed blocking inside the next decade.

My MIL is currently "bed blocking". She's in her late 70s and fractured her pelvis in a fall at home a few weeks ago. She spent 10 days in hospital (they wanted to discharge her after 3 days but we had to say no as her home is totally unsuitable to return to as it's spread over 4 floors and she just won't manage the stairs safely).

She was discharged to respite care where she has been for the last 2 weeks while we try to get things sorted for her return. We are having to pay out of our own funds to rent her a ground floor flat (thank god we found one local to where she lives) which won't be ready for another week. We've then got to sort out renting out or selling her house so that it can fund her stay in the flat, which will have to be permanent.

Although DH and I live only 15 miles from her, DH works 150 miles away Sunday night to Friday afternoon and I work 3 full days a week, have a toddler to care for and am 6 months pregnant. I physically am unable to assist her in any way. BIL lives 100 miles away but, bless him, has been coming up every weekend since her fall to help out sorting things for her.

We just can't do any more.

In addition we've been trying to get a handle on her finances to make sure she is maximising her small income, we already know that we will have to subsidise her to the tune of about £1500 per month while we sort her house out. We've discovered in going through her bank statements that she's been scammed at least twice in the last few months to the tune of £150

Everything. Split between myself, DP and my cousin and his partner

Wow, Summit, I think that managing to fairly split care 4 ways is very unusual.

I cared for DM for the few months until she went into a home, DBs visited but didn't do any of the cooking, toileting, washing etc DM wouldn't have wanted it I dont think.

An awful lot of nasty mums on this thread. I do hope those with nasty mums have given thought to their end of life provision.

Yes our mums may have wiped our bottoms but this doesn't even begin to equate that we should wipe theirs.