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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DH doing housework

82 replies

Peopleplease · 28/01/2017 10:54

I think I am being unreasonable - just want to make sure!

DD1 is 3 and DD2 is 4 weeks. I'm a SAHM and DD2 is a bit of a velcro baby so in sling while i play with DD1. It makes things feel quite full on. I manage a few loads of washing and sweep/vacuum everyday (we have a very hairy dog).

DH comes home and does an exercise video, then showers and cooks dinner. Then does the washing up (no dishwasher). I try and have a shower while he has after that. After that he does bedtime with DD1. After that DD2 has hit witching hour/cluster feeding so I can't hand her off for long.

He gets up to DD1 during the night as well. On a good night she doesn't wake, on a bad night she can wake up to 3-4 times.

Today he got up with DD1 while i fed DD2 in bed. His plan for today is to cool a chilli this morning then vacuum and mop then make lunch.

While I mind both kids like I do everyday. I understand housework needs doing but he just doesn't understand that the help I NEED involves him playing with DD1 or offering to take DD2 rather than me having to ask him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peopleplease · 28/01/2017 10:56

Typos. While he has DD2 and cook chilli

OP posts:
heateallthebuns · 28/01/2017 11:04

Will he take them if you ask? I don't think you can expect him to 'just know' what you want. You need to communicate with him. He sounds like he's trying his best to help!

IWantATardis · 28/01/2017 11:07

Have you said to him that you need a break from looking after 2 kids at once?

Is it possible that he thinks you would rather he did housework than he took DD1 to the park or something?

pilates · 28/01/2017 11:09

Jeez I had to read twice to see what you are moaning about.

He is doing quite a bit already, on top of working, and you're still not happy.

Gymnopedies · 28/01/2017 11:09

I have the same problem. Have actually told DH this morning that if he didn't come to take care of the DCs I was taking the car in 10 minutes and leaving because I need a break.
He just tends to go about the house tidying up/cleaning/faffing and the DCs just cluster on top around me.

Creatureofthenight · 28/01/2017 11:14

Can't you just say, I'll Hoover/cook/whatever, you have the kids?

SheldonCRules · 28/01/2017 11:16

I'm not seeing an issue either Pilates. He works all day, comes home cooks, washes up, minds the children whilst OP showers and does the night get ups too plus does the housework on weekends. In comparison the OP doesn't have to work and just has to cover lunch and whatever few other bits.

HappyAsASandboy · 28/01/2017 11:17

I think you need to explain that you feel frazzled by being 'responsible' for the kids all week and would really appreciate it if he would look after the children today while you clean the house and cook the chilli.

Would he be open to that?

Original poster
Peopleplease · 28/01/2017 11:17

gymnopedies that's it exactly.

I know he does lots and I have told him that I appreciate what he does but I need him to be more involved with the DC but he prefers to do the housework.

OP posts:
Rosae · 28/01/2017 11:18

I know how you feel. My oh does this. Plans a load of jobs that do need doing but leaves me with lo. Though I love her we need a break from it being the two of us at times or we'd eat each other alive!

thebakerwithboobs · 28/01/2017 11:20

Erm...if your husband ever wants to marry me he is more than welcome...

thenewaveragebear1983 · 28/01/2017 11:21

You need to tell him. I have the kids all week, I'd much prefer an hour to get on with some jobs that spend another hour watching them all while dh wafts a cloth around the bathroom.

Since doing this, while I may still very rarely get any time to do what I actually want, I get to do what I have to in relative peace. Dh also understands a bit better what it's really like being 'at home/ not working' with 3 demanding children.

Ilovecaindingle · 28/01/2017 11:22

Get a sling that suits him and he can have some time with the baby! Is he confident with the baby? My ds was prem and dh was scared to dress and change him at less than 5 pounds but gained confidence when showed him exactly what needed done. . Men do think about practicalities that's why he is doing chores. And he is helping just needs a slight diversion at time...

Original poster
Peopleplease · 28/01/2017 11:22

sheldon I do work. I might not be paid but looking after 2 children is work except without coffee breaks or lunch breaks or chat with colleagues.

OP posts:
PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 28/01/2017 11:22

I know what you mean I think OP. My DH is wonderful but he always says things like "you have a sit down love, I'll wash up". He doesn't get that sometimes, I need to have a breather from the kids as I'm feeling touched out and exhausted by their constant questions and the intense physical labour of looking after 3 kids. I just say to him "no, you watch the kids". Because he loves playing with them and it's a rare pleasure (he WOH full time and I am a SAHM) he felt guilty as it seemed like he was "having fun" while I was "doing chores ".

Coastalcommand · 28/01/2017 11:24

YABU. It seems his job is to work and do the majority of the housework while you entertain the children - and you're complaining?
In an ideal world, would he go to work, do the housework and mind the children? What would you be doing?

pandarific · 28/01/2017 11:25

Just ask to swap jobs - you do chilli and clean, he has child time. Presumably he wants to spend time with him?

DJKKSlider · 28/01/2017 11:25

Well this is different to the thread in was expecting.

I was expecting,
"My OH does fuck all"
I got,
"My OH does loads but not of the right thing."

Just tell him.
Askmhim tontake them out for the afternoon.

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 28/01/2017 11:26

sheldon did you miss the part where she has a four week old?! Of course she's not WOH yet and DH is no miracle for doing what he is doing, especially since she is BF. Blimey. He sounds a nice enough fella but OP is hardly a lady of leisure!

AllTheLight · 28/01/2017 11:27

YANBU at all. It sounds like he enjoys cooking, so for him making a chilli and cooking lunch is a nice relaxing experience compared to looking after a toddler and a newborn. He's getting off very lightly IMO!

He needs to understand that you need a break. Can you offer to cook lunch while he minds the DC? What would he say if you suggested that? You can't expect him to be a mind reader!

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 28/01/2017 11:30

I get it too, OP. It's not about the number of tasks he does, it's about which ones he chooses to do. XH was similar, except he didn't do as much as your DH around the house - he just couldn't get that I wanted time away from the DCs, and used to imply (to me and, far worse, to the DCs) that I was a bad parent for wanting time to myself.

AllTheLight · 28/01/2017 11:30

If he says 'but I prefer to do the cooking and housework while you mind the DC' tell him that you feel the same!

PuppyMonkey · 28/01/2017 11:32

TBH though, if he stopped doing all that he does, you would probably start getting stressed about the housework not being done - I think just try and get through these tricky days and get more into the routine of small baby, then look at it again.

foxessocks · 28/01/2017 11:33

I have a 3 yo and a 5 month old. My dh would come in and cook dinner or put washing on because he thought I'd like to sit down and relax. I just told him actually I'd rather shut myself in the kitchen by myself and cook dinner while he watches the kids!! He said he felt bad me doing dinner and I had to reassure him that after a day with two tiny children I would rather do some housework or cooking in peace and as both things need doing it is perfectly fair on both of us! He totally gets it now and comes in every day and just gets stuck straight in with nappy changing, playing with elder DD, soothing the baby while I get up and do something else. Sometimes I hang washing up upstairs and just lie on the floor in peace and quiet for a while Grin I totally get where you're coming from op but your dh isn't unreasonable he is just being helpful - just tell him!

Crunchymum · 28/01/2017 11:33

Sadly with a cluster feeding 4 week old there is only so much you husband can do for the baby.

By this age though I was able to give my velcro baby to DP and nip to the shops for half an hour. So I got a breather by also grabbed some supplies so it was practical (swapping a baby for chores is not a break!!)

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