About DH doing housework

[Peopleplease]

I think I am being unreasonable - just want to make sure!

DD1 is 3 and DD2 is 4 weeks. I'm a SAHM and DD2 is a bit of a velcro baby so in sling while i play with DD1. It makes things feel quite full on. I manage a few loads of washing and sweep/vacuum everyday (we have a very hairy dog).

DH comes home and does an exercise video, then showers and cooks dinner. Then does the washing up (no dishwasher). I try and have a shower while he has after that. After that he does bedtime with DD1. After that DD2 has hit witching hour/cluster feeding so I can't hand her off for long.

He gets up to DD1 during the night as well. On a good night she doesn't wake, on a bad night she can wake up to 3-4 times.

Today he got up with DD1 while i fed DD2 in bed. His plan for today is to cool a chilli this morning then vacuum and mop then make lunch.

While I mind both kids like I do everyday. I understand housework needs doing but he just doesn't understand that the help I NEED involves him playing with DD1 or offering to take DD2 rather than me having to ask him.

since when is being a SAHM been "entertaining the children"??! Sure that's all I do!

YANBU

Surely anyone would choose to make a chilli in peace and quiet rather than juggle a 3yo and a newborn?

I would imagine he thinks he's pulling his weight, which he is. Just not in the way you would prefer. Tell him that while you appreciate what he does, more child centred help would be great. Say something, don't let your feelings fester.

It sounds like he's happy to do it, but you think he should offer instead of waiting to be asked? That does sound like a non-problem TBH - surely if you explain what you want then he will offer more in the future as well? Rather than getting frustrated because he hasn't guessed that you would rather make chilli than play with the kids, just tell him.

Honestly, tell him. He might think he's doing the bits you want him to!

The problem within me cooking dinner (which I've always done - DH just took over since the baby, although we did share it when I was pregnant as sickness meant the smell/thought of food made me want to throw up sometimes) is the times I've tried doing dinner DD2 started crying for a feed and DH didn't know what I was cooking so I had to sit and give step by step instructions.

I understand you OP

After a long day at home with DS I breathe a sigh of relief when I hear my DH walk through the front door so I can hand DS over to him.

I then say I'm just going to do some tidying, sort the washing, clean the kitchen etc and he will say. "It's fine sweetheart, I'll do it, you just stay with DS" and he genuinely thinks he is being kind (which he is) but in my head I'm screaming "I've been with DS for the last 12 hours, I need a break!!!!"

I did eventually explain this to my DH and now the general rule is that when he gets home from work I slink upstairs for half an hour with a cup of tea just so I can have a break

He'll understand if you're just honest with him

Is there any reason you haven't discussed this with him?

Now YABU.

Ask him to do exactly that! Tell him you need a break from looking after the children and will do the housework/cook while I has the children. And then make sure you have a nice long relaxing bath afterwards :)

Just to put it in perspective for you , my DH leaves homes at 6am before our two children are up (20 months and 4 months old!) I'm on ML atm so see to the children all day, I do ALL the housework, ALL the cooking, ALL the washing, DH gets home about 7.30pm but often later so I have to do the bedtime routine too. I'm not for a moment saying your DH is doing any more than he should but he's doing his fair share, more than mine!

I think I understand what you mean OP. It's difficult because your DH does more than his fair share but if it's not in the way you want him to do it then you need to discuss this with him. If you haven't then YABU.

Just talk to him. When mine were babies my DH's first instinct was to do housework at the weekend so I wasn't doing all of it, but while I wanted him to do some, I thought it was more important he spent time with the babies. So he did!

I remember this, I remember my mum saying "I'll just tidy up so you can concentrate on the DC". I needed a break from the intensity of the bonding/children. This might not be obvious to a person trying to help.

Had this same discussion with DH this morning. He was changing bedding that didn't need to be changed and tidying the kitchen when it wasn't that bad but what I really needed was ds to be entertained so I could have a second to rest (after a week with him while I'm on maternity and due dc2 any time now). In this situation I feel it's acceptable to have a messy house and freezer food (if it means I get a nap).

I understand too op

In the summer holidays for example dh will spend all of Saturday in the garden mowing, tinkering in the shed , weeding etc

Well that's all fine if the kids want to be outside with him, if not I'm stuck with them all day but I can't complain because he's doing the garden

Having young kids is hard, we spent the first ten years bickering about who did what, kind of sad when I look back !

Have you explained it to him?

DS was breast fed and very much a Velcro baby and my DH finally got the message when I screamed at him that I just want to be able to do the fucking dusting alone without having to cart a baby around.

"I remember this, I remember my mum saying "I'll just tidy up so you can concentrate on the DC"."

My mum did this too. I still remember the look of incredulous delight on her face when I begged to swap jobs!

I had this exactly. It took a few times of me saying it to get through to him, that for me, being able to do some housework without looking after the children is a break for me! I WANTED to do some housework, and although he was very helpful with it, I just wanted a break from the baby. Keep telling him, you will get there!

I know how you feel! My DP works nights and when he gets up late afternoon I much prefer to hand the children over to him (toddler and older DC with SN who is currently home ed so pretty full on!) I then go into the kitchen, shut the door, put some music on and cook dinner and clean in peace. It sounds like your DH pulls his weight so just tell him what you would prefer and hopefully he'll do it.

I totally get you. My DP works away and when he gets home he says things like "you relax on the sofa with the kids and I'll do a quick blitz of the house." Which of course is lovely and helpful but I really want to screech that I just want to be free of the children for half an hour and do just ONE job at a time instead of juggling about fifteen. I never thought I'd see the day where I dream of cleaning a bathroom uninterrupted!

And 'relax' on the sofa with a 3 year old and a 4 month? As if!

I have spoken to him about it and explained how I feel, I think it's getting through slowly. Plonking the baby in his arms and calling over my shoulder to "ask daddy" while I swish off to get on with stuff seems to be helping

Jeez I had to read twice to see what you are moaning about.

He is doing quite a bit already, on top of working, and you're still not happy.

This ^

Although some posters will say you are being unreasonable, I do understand what you are saying. Being at home all day with a baby and preschooler is exhausting and sometimes the only break you get from being constantly 'on duty' is to go and hide in the kitchen and cook or clean the bathroom.

I think your DH sounds lovely and supportive so I'm sure if you said: "look DH I just want an hour to not be 'on duty' to recharge and refresh. Please watch DD1 and DD2 for an hour while I cook lunch"

Everyone deserves a break from the day to day monotony of caring for young children.

I did talk to him about it with DD1 (including screaming at him when he kept telling me to 'be quick' when I went to shower and an episode of snotty crying when DD1 was about a week old). He seems to have forgotten a lot though.

I also was unsure if I was being unreasonable because he will probably think I am.

So, your DH comes home after you've been on your own all day with a tiny baby and a toddler and the first thing he does is an exercise video and a shower? YANBU at all. He can exercise when the toddler is in bed. Or before they get up in the morning. Or take the kids out for a walk and get some exercise that way. I remember those long exhausting days and being desperate for DH to get home, if he'd got home and immediately gone off to do his self care routine I'd have been fuming.
When we were at this stage, I'd generally just tell DH what was most useful to do when he got in depending on how things were going. Sometimes that was take the toddler so I can feed baby in peace, sometimes it was take both kids for half an hour I'm desperate for a shower, sometimes it was get the dinner on. Sometimes we were having a good day and it was dinner's on the table.
Could you not just cook something simple your DH does know how to cook so he can take over if necessary? (Disclaimer, that's all I know how to cook anyway). I mean, I'm doing spag bol, you just need to add some tomatoes to the sauce and get the pasta on, it's hardly an extensive handover. Quick simple meals would make sense at this stage in your life anyway.

I get it OP. My DH is the same. Brilliant at housework and I'm very lucky in that aspect but sometimes I just need a break from my child. You need to be clear with him - my DH will come home after a day's work and start tidying/cleaning/prepping dinner while I'm dealing with the third tantrum of the hour.

If your DH does things other than dinner that you would prefer to do, tell him that you'll swop and he can have the kids while you get on with housework etc. He probably thinks he's helping and doesn't realise you just need a bit of kid free time.