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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About DH doing housework

82 replies

Peopleplease · 28/01/2017 10:54

I think I am being unreasonable - just want to make sure!

DD1 is 3 and DD2 is 4 weeks. I'm a SAHM and DD2 is a bit of a velcro baby so in sling while i play with DD1. It makes things feel quite full on. I manage a few loads of washing and sweep/vacuum everyday (we have a very hairy dog).

DH comes home and does an exercise video, then showers and cooks dinner. Then does the washing up (no dishwasher). I try and have a shower while he has after that. After that he does bedtime with DD1. After that DD2 has hit witching hour/cluster feeding so I can't hand her off for long.

He gets up to DD1 during the night as well. On a good night she doesn't wake, on a bad night she can wake up to 3-4 times.

Today he got up with DD1 while i fed DD2 in bed. His plan for today is to cool a chilli this morning then vacuum and mop then make lunch.

While I mind both kids like I do everyday. I understand housework needs doing but he just doesn't understand that the help I NEED involves him playing with DD1 or offering to take DD2 rather than me having to ask him.

OP posts:

Chipperton · 28/01/2017 12:55

My DH did this for a bit, especially on weekends. He'd always find a 'useful' (child free) job to do that meant he got hours of peace and quiet and I always felt like Inwas being unreasonable for saying 'actually, no, please watch DS so I can sweep/tidy/cook' I remember being absolutely desperate for a break.

You must communicate this with him. He might not even realise he is doing it, but he is inadvertently avoiding helping you with the childcare by being seen to be useful around the house. I've heard another poster referring to this as 'baby avoidance work'

XinnaJane · 28/01/2017 12:59

Just remember when you get advice (from here and elsewhere) that the expectation of what men should do domestically is very low. So if your dh does anything at home people will think you're bloody lucky and a bit of a cow for asking for more/different. But that doesn't mean that the set up you have is actually fair or equal, it's just that if a man does anything at all he's seen as a god.

Last night I went out to meet friends while my dp looked after DS (who was vomiting and feverish). When I told my friends they looked at me in wide eyed wonder and said "you're so lucky!" Well I'm not actually, he's just doing what I've done plenty of times before. It's nothing special.

It sounds like your dh is a bit nervous about looking after the dcs by himself - there's only one way to fix that!

oblada · 28/01/2017 13:05

Can he not put the exercise video on the backburner for a bit? You have a 4 WEEKS old baby to care for, life can be a bit different for a few months. Also at 4 weeks old it is pretty normal/healthy for baby to be 'velcro' Lol it'll get better but I get that it's exhausting at times.
It seems that he's doing his share of housework which is fine (it's not amazing or great or anything, to me it's normal) but if you would rather he looks after the children just tell him so!

Fluffy40 · 28/01/2017 13:10

He sounds amazing !

harderandharder2breathe · 28/01/2017 13:16

Yabu to expect him to be a mind reader. Tell him that you need a break from the children so he needs to watch them or ideally take them out while you do dinner/tidy up/have a cuppa

He's doing a fair bit but if it's the wrong bit then you need to tell him!

Original poster

Peopleplease · 28/01/2017 13:26

I think he prefers to cook because, the more weight he's lost, the more interested in nutrition he's become. So now he weighs stuff and uses turkey mince and counts calories. I just wouldn't have the time to do that right now.

OP posts:

Chipperton · 28/01/2017 13:28

Why does he have the time to weigh mince and you don't?

NavyandWhite · 28/01/2017 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Catlady1976 · 28/01/2017 13:31

Probably because he just cook knowing that op is with kids. Whereas op will be cooking whilst looking after DC.

Original poster

Peopleplease · 28/01/2017 13:33

chipperton because I'd be trying to get it done quickly in case DD needs a feed. DH doesn't have to worry about that.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 28/01/2017 13:36

I get it. You need a balance of responsibilities. It's hard bf and caring for a toddler and you need him to do some of that. That doesn't mean you expect him to do everything else too. Just give him the kids.

Willialwaysbelookeddownon · 28/01/2017 13:38

He sounds amazing, if you need help with the children, ask. He doesn't sound unreasonable.
I thought you were going to say he comes home from work, does exercise, showers and then does f all because that's pretty much what my DP does

Purplebluebird · 28/01/2017 13:40

Wow! I would be super happy if my other half did half of all that

scottishdiem · 28/01/2017 13:40

You need to tell him clearly what the problem is. Admittedly you are further along the curve towards a proper balance with your DH than many posters here who don't get any support. Men are generally behind in terms of understanding what exactly is needed and why rather than just helping isn't enough.

What was he like when DC1 was that age? Did he get opportunities to help and hold and change and bath etc. A few of my colleagues at were almost excluded from all of that by their partners when it was the first baby with apprent near constant demands for feeding. Was he told them to do the other things that some many women here would love from their DPs? Is he now just replicating that?

TisapityshesaGeordie · 28/01/2017 13:45

You know all of you complaining that the OP is "lucky" and has nothing to complain about because your "D"P does fuck all?

Well, it's not her fault you settled for shit men.

Original poster

Peopleplease · 28/01/2017 13:46

He admitted before we had DD2, that he found it hard to bond with DD1 because she was very high needs. She had bad reflux and basically fed constantly. We had a few arguments because I needed him to take her more and he felt he couldn't because she'd start crying for a feed. DD2 is much easier but he doesn't seem to realise that because he's worried about taking her.

He's done really well with the exercise - he's gone from slightly overweight and unfit to almost having a 6 pack and fit.

OP posts:

Flibbib · 28/01/2017 13:52

He sounds like a good man.
You two sound like you're trying to do everything on your own. It's exhausting and you will end up falling out.
You need some time for you. Ask him if he can regularly take both kids off you. If he can't, get someone in to help. Get a cleaner. Get someone to come and hold the babies during the day.
And make sure he gets some time for himself too.
These times are tough. You HAVE to communicate and support each other and not be demanding.

scottishdiem · 28/01/2017 13:53

I think he is doing what he has always done and you both need to sit down and chat (not row) and plan how to both meet your needs and what is expected and how it's going to happen. Include a transition period as he gets used to things and as both DCs get used to it. If DC2 is needing a feed so often that it stops weighing of ingredients then you'll have to accept that his time with DC2 is till going to be limited. He should then at least be doing more with DC1 to get them out from under your feet. Or get him to feed DC2 more so you do have time do to other things like the cooking he is doing.

lorelairoryemily · 28/01/2017 13:53

You are a dose! The poor man is helping but you don't like how he's doing it, open your mouth and tell him.

123bananas · 28/01/2017 13:56

He is being helpful but not in the way you need as he has no understanding of your need for time physically separate from the children.

Talk to him.

When he comes home from work after exercising/showering he plays with dd1 and holds dd2 while you cook dinner and wash up. He settles dd1 to bed (he can read stories whilst holding dd2) and you shower.

Whilst he is chilling he could hold dd2 and interact with dd1.

After lunch he takes dd1 to the park with dd2 in the pram/sling in between feeds if possible.

AllTheLight · 28/01/2017 13:56

You don't need to make this into a massive 'chat', OP. Just say: do you mind if I cook lunch today while you watch the DC? I really need a break from them!'.

Don't be offended by the fact he hasn't offered. Just ask!

Has he got some 'standard' recipes that he already knows the calories for that you could easily replicate without having to weigh everything out?

Birdsgottafly · 28/01/2017 14:08

If you've never had a baby/toddler hanging off you all day, you don't always understand how draining it can be.

At four weeks post birth, you've got your emotions/hormones all over the place, as well.

My DDs, DP can't take the children, often, because of his shifts and at first, I'd visit and do the housework, not realising that she was desperate to hand the baby over.

I'm always saying to her to not just do housework when I've/he's got them, but she says that she likes being able to move about freely.

Even though I've had three, I'd forgotten that, but was reminded after a three day babysitting stint.

JamieXeed74 · 28/01/2017 14:12

Correct me if I am wrong. I can't help imagining the scenario the other way around. DH works all day, comes home and just plays with the kids for a hour, while SAHM is expected to cook dinner, wash up after and do housework. What a lazy DH? Isn't it catch 22 for him?

AllTheLight · 28/01/2017 14:36

But Jamie if that's what she wants him to do then it doesn't matter if someone else might think he's lazy. The point is that he's responding to her needs and wishes, not someone else's.

My in laws were like this too. When I was a SAHM with 3 DC under 4 they would come over and say "we want to help! Give us things to do!" but they meant stuff around the house, when what I really wanted was a break from the DC. I never got them to understand, but as he's your partner not your PILs he should get it eventually. Just keep saying it till it sinks in!

Trifleorbust · 28/01/2017 14:45

To all those saying the OP should be grateful her OH does so much, I'm sure she is appreciative (not grateful!). But that doesn't mean the split of tasks in the home doesn't need to be negotiated between them. I have a 6 week old DD and my OH tried this: "Let me do those" when I'm doing the dishes. Very kind, I'm sure, but who is going to hold the baby?

Husbands and new dads need to be reminded that the mother isn't the default parent. It's not about criticising their efforts, but not allowing a situation to develop where they are 'helping' rather than parenting.

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