About DH doing housework

[Peopleplease]

I think I am being unreasonable - just want to make sure!

DD1 is 3 and DD2 is 4 weeks. I'm a SAHM and DD2 is a bit of a velcro baby so in sling while i play with DD1. It makes things feel quite full on. I manage a few loads of washing and sweep/vacuum everyday (we have a very hairy dog).

DH comes home and does an exercise video, then showers and cooks dinner. Then does the washing up (no dishwasher). I try and have a shower while he has after that. After that he does bedtime with DD1. After that DD2 has hit witching hour/cluster feeding so I can't hand her off for long.

He gets up to DD1 during the night as well. On a good night she doesn't wake, on a bad night she can wake up to 3-4 times.

Today he got up with DD1 while i fed DD2 in bed. His plan for today is to cool a chilli this morning then vacuum and mop then make lunch.

While I mind both kids like I do everyday. I understand housework needs doing but he just doesn't understand that the help I NEED involves him playing with DD1 or offering to take DD2 rather than me having to ask him.

AllTheLight, yes but until he is told that how does he know. So far all the indications are that he thinks he is doing the right thing.

Serously, why can't you just have a conversation with your husband about this?

I spent far too much time being unhappy because my dh isn't a mind reader and don't know I wanted him to do certain things around the house.

I talked to him. It was fine. He now does things I've asked him to do.

Sometimes it's easier to just be angry about things than to sort them out like a grown up. Just talk to him.

My dh was like this. He thought he was 'being useful' and 'getting stuff done'. When I explained that actually the dc missed him, and I craved the alone time of cooking and tidying he was more than happy to switch. He told me he'd wanted to come in and play with the kids but he thought he was being more useful doing jobs and that I'd want him to get on and do things.

Things work much better since talking it through.

YABU. However,have you told him...here you have the kids for x amount of time I'll do dishes/cook whatever? Or to take dd1 out at the weekends while you just spend time with the baby,and if you're lucky enough for her to nap have some time to yourself too. Or if DD2 takes a bottle and you can express,leave him with both while you have a rest/go out/do some chores if you enjoy that. There are lots of ways and compromises to be made,but you have to talk to him and explain what you want/need.
Also you need to think of some solutions yourself not just say oh I can't do that or the other,as it's not possible in a day to go to work,spend lots of time with a baby and 3 yo,do dinner,the washing up and other chores.

I totally understand!

The offers of help with housework etc. from family and friends is great but what you really want is someone to say "Let me take the children off your hands for the afternoon". It's not a reflection on whether you love your children or enjoy your time with them. Looking after children is intense and having a break is so needed.

OP - I think you just have to accept that the breastfeeding is very intense and limiting for you (especially in the evenings). It's emotionally and physically very draining, I totally get that. You elder one is also likely to become more clingy or demanding as a result. But this is not your DH's fault, it's just how it goes. He can't feed. It sounds like he's doing his best in the ways he can. It's hard when the kids are always crying for mum.
Maybe tell him to take your elder one out for "special time" e.g. a movie or something. They will both benefit from this, as will you. The only time I ever felt I could totally switch off was when the DC were literally out of earshot!
Hang on in there - this won't last forever!