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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not bail out husband from his mess

171 replies

Ohforcryingoutloud1 · 28/01/2017 10:13

DH is a self employed tradesman and trying really hard but work keeps on being unreliable and income erratic. I can't quite work out whether he's really unlucky or something is going wrong with the way he works. I have pleaded with DH to do something else which will give him a stable, reliable income, even if it's just for a year and then he can return to his normal work. He won't.

We have 2 children under 2.

Before our children arrived I had £20k in savings and no debt. I've always worked full time and have a £30k a year income. Two periods of maternity leave and DH being unable to provide a regular income during both has left me with no savings and £15k in debt.

I've just discovered he has racked up £20k in debt.

Once again this month I'm having to cover the rent and most of the bills because he can't contribute and I want him to pay his loan and credit card rather than default and screw us up altogether.

I'm thinking of asking him to move out, stay with his parents, sort out his finances, come back when he's virtually cleared off his debt. Having him live with me is financially crippling me. I'm paying for everything.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
ArgyMargy · 28/01/2017 10:21

Wow that is an astonishing amount of money to have spent over two years. No, I haven't been in your situation but I don't think it's reasonable to send him back to his parents. You are married and therefore you have to work as a team to sort this out. Get some debt management advice and make a plan. If he goes bankrupt he may find it very difficult to work as a self employed tradesman anyway. You have my sympathies as this is a horrible thing to deal with and it's not your fault, but if you send him away that is unlikely to help.

Meluamelua · 28/01/2017 10:22

Yes. It's dreadful. You have my absolute sympathies. Could a family member speak to him?

Twopeapods · 28/01/2017 10:23

I'm sorry this is happening. What a stressful situation. I don't have any experience but if it was me and he was refusing to get some paid work I would also ask him to leave. You would probably find yourself much better off. Are you still working after your mat leave? I would try to keep your finances as separate as possible and make sure he isn't putting your name to any of the debt he is racking up and that could destroy your credit rating.

Twopeapods · 28/01/2017 10:25

And also get some debt management advice from STEPS. I'm not sure how it works but someone on the money matters page should be able to advise better.

Original poster
Ohforcryingoutloud1 · 28/01/2017 10:30

I've never claimed benefits because I've always worked. A friend directed me towards that website called entitledto and I would be better off living on my own.

He doesn't want any of his family to know the financial mess we're now in.

I had to cut my second maternity leave short and returned to work after 5 months because we couldn't cope without my full income.

OP posts:
Luttrell · 28/01/2017 10:36

Argy, he wasn't 'working as a team' when he spunked 20k in secret. He's got a spending habit and an inability to earn properly. What's he bringing to the relationship besides evaporating their money?

If I really loved the guy and thought he was remorseful and capable of change, maybe there'd be a chance, but I'd struggle to love someone seemingly so intent on driving his family into poverty.

GloriousGoosebumps · 28/01/2017 10:36

What are his suggestions for dealing with the debt and shortfall in income?

Bluntness100 · 28/01/2017 10:37

You're both living way above your means, you should be living on your salary only as a family and then anything he earns treated as extra.

Unless you take serious action then this is only going to get worse, with possible bankruptcy.

I think you both need to sit down and work out your finances, how to live off uour salary and also undertake debt repayment, and you can also speak to the companies involved and citizens advice on how to manage the debts.

Ilovecaindingle · 28/01/2017 10:38

Maybe you need to have an investigation into where all this money has gone?? Has he got dubious habits you are unaware of? Doesn't sound as simple as sorting the finances out.

helterskelter99 · 28/01/2017 10:38

Has he got the debt from trying to cover bills because he's not earning ?
That's how my friends ex got into massive debt
Sounds like you need to either work together or separate x

ArgyMargy · 28/01/2017 10:43

I agree luttrell but relationships are complex and we only know a few facts. They are married and they have children together but perhaps they never fully shared finances. There are so many threads on MN about married couples having separate finances and then complaining about their spouse's financial behaviour.

I just think that if she throws him out at this stage they may as well say goodbye to their marriage.

Original poster
Ohforcryingoutloud1 · 28/01/2017 10:43

He also isn't working as a team by insisting he wants to carry on working in a way that is financially crippling us.

He doesn't have any suggestions and tbh seems to be wallowing in self pity. Thing is he knows I will make sure all the bills are paid. I've just taken control of his bank account and credit card/loan payments.

I dont understand Blunt why should we only be living on my salary? Why is it my responsibility to be he main earner when it's a partnership?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohforcryingoutloud1 · 28/01/2017 10:45

We've always kept our finances separate with a joint household account.

Yes helter that is what he's been doing.

OP posts:
pegomassive1 · 28/01/2017 10:45

Oh no op I'm sorry your in this situation
.had the debt run up through his business costs eg covering goods of trade and then people not paying invoices giving negative cash flow? This happened with my uncle and he did get into a lot of debt meaning he went and worked with a large building company for a few years before going on his own again.
How did you find out about the debt or have you always known? He needs to face facts he's looking at bankruptcy and tell him his behaviour has been reckless and unfair on the family unit. Hope this gets sorted op

pegomassive1 · 28/01/2017 10:46

Ah cross post

pocketsaviour · 28/01/2017 10:48

I think Blunt's point was that on 30k most families would be able to live on that alone without using up savings or going into debt. Do you need to reconsider your lifestyle? Don't know what part of the country you're in so house prices/rent prices could be a factor but are there other regular spends that you can get rid of or downsize?

Your H sounds pretty passive and that alone would be enough for me to fuck him off, but beware - as you are married, if you divorce then the debts will be shared as well as any assets. I would seek legal advice before doing anything because you might accidentally end up making your situation worse.

Iris65 · 28/01/2017 10:48

I would definately ask him to leave. He is being totally irresponsible and what you and your children need is stability and security. It sounds like that is only achievable without him dragging you down.
it may be a wake up call to him and as for him not wanting his family to know, he shouldn't have got into debt should he? Time for him to face the consequences.
Really sorry you're dealing with this.

Original poster
Ohforcryingoutloud1 · 28/01/2017 10:49

Pego you've hit the nail on the head! That's exactly what's happened. Having to pay for materials for jobs and then people delaying paying for months or longer. Unless you're familiar with self employment it's hard for people to understand because most people think you do a job you get paid end of, they don't realise how may people will then dispute payment or try not to pay at all!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohforcryingoutloud1 · 28/01/2017 10:50

I found about the debt because of letters that started arriving and he ended up in tears and came clean.

OP posts:
Wollery · 28/01/2017 10:50

What line of work is he in OP? If he is a plasterer or a plumber or something of that type, he should be making a fortune (providing he is good at what he does). If he is a Handsome Cab lamp fitter, not so much.

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 28/01/2017 10:51

It would be game over for me. I could never put up with a partner so financially irresponsible especially spending so much in secret. Are the debts in his name only?

RandomMess · 28/01/2017 10:51

I agree that you need to find out your financial options. Perhaps you may have to legally separate so he can stop making your debt worse.

I too would want him to leave and sort himself out, clearly his self-employment isn't sustainable and his refusal to accept that and work with you to resolved things would be a deal breaker.

Tough that he doesn't want anyone to know, his pride seems a big part of the problem!

Original poster
Ohforcryingoutloud1 · 28/01/2017 10:52

pocket our lifestyle isn't extravagant at all that's the depressing thing. We live in the South East so rent alone is £1,000 per month.

I managed to go through all my money in two years because I had to cover all our outgoings.

OP posts:
DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 28/01/2017 10:52

Randomly there were 3 Hansome cabs outside my office yesterday. A growth area perhaps?

DrFoxtrot · 28/01/2017 10:54

I was in a similar situation with my XH - it was one of several reasons he's an ex. I got into debt by helping his business when there wasn't enough money to pay staff etc. He was the sort of man who couldn't bear to be employed and have someone else tell him what to do.

The self pity and him not coming up with plans is not a good sign - you will become more resentful. You will definitely be better off financially alone. Does he realise that?

My XHs business is doing well now I'm not there to bail him out. He has to make proper decisions based on an actual budget. He has to think for himself now. I would have ended up bankrupt if I'd have stayed with him.

If he isn't going to work with you to come up with some solutions then you'll have to decide if you can carry on like this. You can present him with potential solutions including him getting a job or separation and see which he prefers.