To not bail out husband from his mess

[Ohforcryingoutloud1]

DH is a self employed tradesman and trying really hard but work keeps on being unreliable and income erratic. I can't quite work out whether he's really unlucky or something is going wrong with the way he works. I have pleaded with DH to do something else which will give him a stable, reliable income, even if it's just for a year and then he can return to his normal work. He won't.

We have 2 children under 2.

Before our children arrived I had £20k in savings and no debt. I've always worked full time and have a £30k a year income. Two periods of maternity leave and DH being unable to provide a regular income during both has left me with no savings and £15k in debt.

I've just discovered he has racked up £20k in debt.

Once again this month I'm having to cover the rent and most of the bills because he can't contribute and I want him to pay his loan and credit card rather than default and screw us up altogether.

I'm thinking of asking him to move out, stay with his parents, sort out his finances, come back when he's virtually cleared off his debt. Having him live with me is financially crippling me. I'm paying for everything.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Strong not string!

What a situation for him to put you both in. I always recommend Step Change for debt advice. YANBU to want him to make a proper plan for resolving the situation, or for wanting him to move out. I would be furious.

My father was self employed and it was something he wanted to do passionately and I think he wanted the challenge, so it might be your DH feels the same. We'd have really good years were income was more than hoped for, bringing the opportunity of buying a new car, extra treats, other years he'd be struggling to pay his tax, racked up credit card debts etc. As my Mum didn't work, I think she just tried to support what he'd chosen as he was the one who ultimately paid all the bills.

Why have all your savings being spent and you're now in debt? Unless you live in London, you should be able to live on your income alone and still include a few treats.

I think you need to firstly decide if you're willing to support his ambitions. If he really wants to be self employed, for now could he work a couple of evenings a week or do extra hours with his job to help reduce the debts. Either way, somewhere you're both living above your means.

You really need to have a proper chat, explain you're worried sick and if you are to stay together, you really need to look at everything you can cut back on and how income can be increased to solve your financial problems. It might help to draw up some figures, ie how things were a couple of years ago and how they are now.

My point being you won't loose the house as yr renting,if you go bankrupt..it's not like you own yr own and the courts will take it

It sounds like his "business" is a hobby that is costing you tens of thousands of pounds.

I would tell him he either gets a proper job or it's over.

There's not a lot of point in you splitting and staying married as you could end up in a right mess if he racks up more debt before you get a divorce/financial settlement. As you are married your finances are joint - look at the fight daily had.......

Is he still owed a lot by clients? If yes, can you work on recovering that?

I have been in exactly your position yes. The only difference is I was not in debt myself. However, his debt- run up to try to save a failing business- was 50k.

Firstly, you will get great advice on the debt free wannabee forum on money saving expert website.

Firstly, it seems he has got into debt meeting family financial commitments? So he hasn't been secretly spending on stuff.

Secondly, it sounds to me you are both overspending. To beat debt, you need to become very frugal. For 4 years we had no eating out,takeaways etc. No buying anything at all ( unless necessary). I took sandwiches and a flask to work. We made our own wine. Basically we spent as little as possible.

You need to get a abatement of affairs together. Write down all in goings and outgoings. Be brutally honest and you will see where you are overspending.

A debt management plan saved us. Interest is frozen on credit cards and loans and you pay back in installments.

If you are in your marriage together you need to work together to clear the debt. It won't just dissappear.

If you don't love him and don't want to work together then yes, split up.

Keeping money totally separate doesn't work unless you are both solvent. There are times in a partnership when one has to support the other. You have joined together, so 'yours' and 'mine' creates arguments, and is a bit pointless really. It should be about contribution. And he does need to contribute more.

I was the only breadwinner for 4 years and found it very tough. I became depressed, so I sympathise with you. We managed on 30k though and saved a bit.

Titanias Thank you. My life was like some ridiculous soap opera plot for about 4 years before I managed to stop fire-fighting and actually start re-building a new life. On the plus side, it has made me strong though and able to take on injustice when necessary. I think it was sheer outrage and anger that kept me going when what I really wanted to do was hide under the duvet and refuse to come out and have to face the sheer carnage that bloody man had left in his wake.

Agree that is a lot of debt to rack up. For me it would be a massive trust issue. He got into this debt and only came clean once you basically found out from the letters being sent? I couldn't keep going with him, unless he agreed to find a job asap to pay the debt as you shouldn't be responsible for paying it.

This would have been a deal breaker for me at the point he was making no profit and refusing to get paid employment. His refusal to get a job is very selfish.

So many people are good at their job but cannot run a business. Why does he not want to be employed?

I agree with a pp he has a very expensive hobby, it's not a business! a minimum wage job working 40 hours per week would mean he could be debt free in under 2 years (if you could cover all other bills). its interesting that he won't tell his family.

I'm not sure if I'm
Misunderstanding but OP if you've been on 2 maternity leaves in 2 years and he isn't earning then is inevitable you'll both get into debt won't you? How else will anything get paid? I don't think you can blame him, it's partly your responsibility I think.

I know someone who did this. She instigated a trial separation, mainly for financial reasons. Her DH to his credit started working part time and in the end closed down his business and got a f-t job in a completely different area of business. They also did counselling and got debt advice. They did get back together after about 6 months apart so it worked out well for them in the end.

Have you posted about your OH before? Is he a joiner?

If I'm right then the advice was for your husband to look for a PAYE role so he could get a guaranteed income as the self employment obviously wasn't working out for him......... did you discuss that?

If they are renting and go bankrupt, the rent still needs to be paid or they will lose their home. It takes months but that doesn't help.

Op, I really hope your husband can step up and get involved in sorting this. Earning money does often mean doing jobs that aren't fun.

A friend of ours who is a builder (but actually no longer a friend because he was as flakey as your OH sounds) said that undesirable behaviours are rife in the tradie industry. Eg drugs, alcohol and gambling, smoking etc. Then this makes them worse art their job. I can attest to that as we have close members of our families who do all that to the family's detriment. I think rule out that first.

YANBU. You can't go on with this.
Is it worth him taking the defaulting clients to a small claims court? He could represent himself.

Could you send letters to all the non paying customers and threaten small claims court if they dont pay within one month or something? Or have i got the wrong end of the stick?

Oh and i dont mean then go back to happy families. I would also leave him

Do you know he did the jobs he says he's owed for?

A close friend is a self employed plumber. I wish people would stop myth that all plumbers are loaded.

It is very hard for him to make a living.

Friends and family expect small jobs to be done for nothing.

Recently he did a job for a friend. The bill was about 700 pounds. Agreed in advance.
about 400 in materials and 150 paid to a joiner .
He was due to earn 150 for about 2 days work
And the friend haggled about the price at the and of the job because the insurance company paid less than expected !

So for a period of two months he was out of pocket by 550.

Eventually was paid 620. So £ 70 for 2 days work and that does not include servicing his vehicle and all insurance costs and stuff.

This kind of thing happens ALL the time.

He nearly went under a few years back after a client did not pay out a penny for a bathroom costing £3,500.
He had already paid out about 3000 in fixtures, fittings and wages.

Honestly, it's really hard .

£30k isn't enough to run a household in the south east. I earn that as a single parent and with pension and student loan payments I don't even clear £2k a month. Rent like op is almost £1k and I'm not entitled to benefits so I have to take in students to make the extra £300 a month I need. And I'm only one adult, only one car etc.
When I lived with xh we had similar issues as he was self employed and wouldn't get a waged job. Note he's my ex.

Financial deceit, is up there with cheating in my book. I'd have to bin him off. That is an horrendous amount

I don't quite understand your plan. Is it to stay married but live separately with you subsidised by tax credits/benefits and him subsidised by family for a few years until the debt is cleared, then resume living together? Absolutely not acceptable.