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Original poster

To not bail out husband from his mess

171 replies

Ohforcryingoutloud1 · 28/01/2017 10:13

DH is a self employed tradesman and trying really hard but work keeps on being unreliable and income erratic. I can't quite work out whether he's really unlucky or something is going wrong with the way he works. I have pleaded with DH to do something else which will give him a stable, reliable income, even if it's just for a year and then he can return to his normal work. He won't.

We have 2 children under 2.

Before our children arrived I had £20k in savings and no debt. I've always worked full time and have a £30k a year income. Two periods of maternity leave and DH being unable to provide a regular income during both has left me with no savings and £15k in debt.

I've just discovered he has racked up £20k in debt.

Once again this month I'm having to cover the rent and most of the bills because he can't contribute and I want him to pay his loan and credit card rather than default and screw us up altogether.

I'm thinking of asking him to move out, stay with his parents, sort out his finances, come back when he's virtually cleared off his debt. Having him live with me is financially crippling me. I'm paying for everything.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/01/2017 10:55

Sorry, I don't mean you should be the only earner, but if there is no reliable income coming in from him, until there is, you simply have no choice but to live only on uour salary, does that make sense? You can't spend money that doesn't exist.

Lorelei76 · 28/01/2017 10:55

The £20k debt can't all be on work materials? Are you sure that's the extent of the debt?

I think it's better for him to leave and sort himself out, unless he's prepared to take literally any work immediately, would he able to get anything do you think?

Original poster
Ohforcryingoutloud1 · 28/01/2017 10:57

Sorry to hear that Dr. Everyone we know seems to think he's lucky to be self employed and self employment is a much easier flexible lifestyle choice but it really isn't.

OP posts:
HorridHenryrule · 28/01/2017 10:57

My partner is self employed but he works for an agency but as self employed. Your partner could go down that route. He will get paid more per hour compared to the people in there taking a set salary. The first 3 years of my partner starting up was fucking hell. I always stood by him and helped him. We were both in the shit together regardless of wether I signed up for the shit or not. I would push him towards agency work as self employed. He will get paid weekly and he will probably earn more than you. What ever you choose to do is up to you if you want to separate. Be careful someone else may see the potential in him and swipe him away.

Original poster
Ohforcryingoutloud1 · 28/01/2017 10:58

It does Blunt thank you.

OP posts:
shouldwestayorshouldwego · 28/01/2017 10:58

Would you be better off if he stayed at home with the children for a few years and contributed in that way? Sometimes the cost of childcare can tip the balance.

HorridHenryrule · 28/01/2017 10:58

£20grand debt is so little compared to other companies who are thousands in debt.

dailymaillazyjournos · 28/01/2017 10:59

My ex carried on his financial mayhem behind my back for 23 years. Ended up homeless and with £750 to my name. Thank goodness you are aware of the existence of your DH's debts. I had no idea because the one thing he was good at was hiding things and keeping things from me by any means. His was basically because he was shit at his job and couldn't bring himself to admit it. So he borrowed and borrowed in order to maintain the life he thought he and his family should have.

Ended up with him defrauding his colleagues, his clients, my parents and taking my inheritance.

Your DH has not got his family's interests at heart. He is selling you all down the swanee. I would definitely stop any sort of bail-out. He has acted irresponsibly and the rest of his family shouldn't have to suffer and rack up debts in order to mitigate his.

ImpetuousBride · 28/01/2017 11:01

OP, I think you're headed in the right direction - as painful as it might be, he is taking you down in his debt spirals as an unwilling participant. Now you owe a ton of money that you haven't even personally borrowed and would never have requested in the first place. Your credit score probably looks bad and you may not be able to take out future loans if you were in need. He is refusing to change jobs when he has already been unsuccessful and is perfectly able to earn a steady wage. If he is not thinking about you and his children, then you must ensure that you all don't end up in a dangerous situation of no money and no place to live. Tell him to put his priorities straight and yes, send him to his parents until he sorts himself out.

oleoleoleole · 28/01/2017 11:01

Firstly you're a partnership so why you want to turf him out just because you'd be financially better off is a bit harsh to me.

Firstly sit down together and work out a budget that you need to live on

Ascertain how you can do that

Get him him to enter into a debt management plan so that he can pay back the debt at a contribution that is realistic

Reading between the lines he's a dad who has tried desperately to provide for you all and failed. He must feel inadequate perhaps.

Times are hard with two young DC but if he can get more regular employment and you can sort the debt out things will be better.

Good luck I hope it works out for you.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 28/01/2017 11:03

I managed to go through all my money in two years because I had to cover all our outgoings

But altogether its 55 thousand pounds! His 20k debt, your 15kdebt, and your spending of your 20k savings. That is an insane amount of money. He has been frankly pathetic, but why on earth did you let it go on so long, while you wasted so much money? Why have a second child and maternity leave in the same situation, knowing how wrong it was going?

Honestly, he has behaved in an appalling selfish manner, but you seem to know whats what and you let it go on for all this time. I would have kicked him out long long ago, certainly before I got into that much debt.

Soubriquet · 28/01/2017 11:04

Get him gone until he can sort himself out

The fact that he won't get a proper job to help support is ridiculous.

Yes ok, he wants to have his own business but he is making so much of a loss he has spent your savings AND accrued a massive debt

That would be a deal breaker for me.

I couldn't trust him anymore

littledinaco · 28/01/2017 11:06

Some people are good at their skill/trade but hopeless at running a business, sounds like DH is one of them!

Can you list everything in writing to him-what your outgoings are, what you have spent from savings over the past couple of years v what he has earned and ask him what he thinks you shoukd do about the situation. You can't carry on like this and I don't blame you for wanting him to move out.

cochineal7 · 28/01/2017 11:06

It sounds like a tough situation. Who is taking care of the children? They are really little. As you are working ft does he do the bulk of childcare?

lionsleepstonight · 28/01/2017 11:07

A family living off 30k a year is tight, and you are right in thinking your husband should be bringing something in to the family coffers.

But I am a but confused, in two years you've spent 20k savings and created 15k debt? In addition to earning 30k? What has that money gone on? Did it fund your two maternity leaves?

Also, what actual income has your husband brought in over the last 2 years? If he has spent 20k on materials he's clearly been busy, but must be spectacularly bad at getting the invoices paid or he's not charging enough to cover his costs.

From what you've posted, sounds like you are both poor at managing money. Jointly you are now in 35k of debt, so need to plan how to get out of it, and its easier to do this together. First port of call is chasing down the invoices that caused the 20k debt, and do agree unless your husband can actually run his business properly, he''ll need to see if he can be employed. Then pay off the 15k and start to get some savings back.

endofthelinefinally · 28/01/2017 11:08

I can completely understand how this happened. A dear friend of mine lost his business because he did a lot of work for local government, a building society and a local retail business. None of them paid him and he had to lay off staff until his business went under.
He got a job with the local authority and didnt work for himself again.
Your DH needs to find paid employment asap. If he has marketable skills he could even sign up with a couple of agencies.

Blossomdeary · 28/01/2017 11:08

Every time I read a post like this I am puzzled by the fact that couples do not seem to have joint accounts so much any more.

dailymaillazyjournos · 28/01/2017 11:10

I forgot to add that my ex ended up in prison and I had a 2 year fight with 2 banks to prove i wasn't complicit and therefore responsible for the insane debts he had racked up in our joint names. It was a total bloody nightmare. It took my local MP and a meeting in the Houses of Parliament with him there and some CEOs from the bank before they were willing to see that if they pursued me they were making me a victim twice. Once by my ex robbing me of everything and putting me in debt and twice, by the bank for insisting I was responsible. Had to prove he had forged my signature over and over!

My case is extreme but someone who will not take responsibility is liable to not only take themselves down but drag everyone else down with them. You need to protect yourselves and your DC.

Slimmingsnake · 28/01/2017 11:10

Is he gambling???

TitaniasCloset · 28/01/2017 11:11

As Narky says, that's a massive amount of money to get through. I think you need to be honest about your part in this too, admitting where you went wrong will give you a feeling of more control anyway.

A pp advised financial advice first before you separate, as you might make the situation worse. I tend to agree with that.

Whatever you decide to do, this is a really tough situation and you must be furious and scared and feeling cheated and many other emotions all at once, I really hope you can get this sorted out Flowers

HorridHenryrule · 28/01/2017 11:11

I agree with Oleo you have to work out your incoming and outgoing. You both need to see how much is being spent.

Slimmingsnake · 28/01/2017 11:13

I think yr making excuses for him....and I fail to see how u both allowed it to get so bad

HorridHenryrule · 28/01/2017 11:13

Do you do his books and send them to the accountant. That's where I am involved you get a better understanding of the business that way.

TitaniasCloset · 28/01/2017 11:15

Dailymail that is awful! You are a string woman to come through that. Flowers

Slimmingsnake · 28/01/2017 11:15

So.i notice you say you rent...this won't be a popular idea,as it's not really facing up to your responsibilities..however you have mouths to feed that did not ask for all this upset..my advice would be file for bankruptcy

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