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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not bail out husband from his mess

171 replies

Ohforcryingoutloud1 · 28/01/2017 10:13

DH is a self employed tradesman and trying really hard but work keeps on being unreliable and income erratic. I can't quite work out whether he's really unlucky or something is going wrong with the way he works. I have pleaded with DH to do something else which will give him a stable, reliable income, even if it's just for a year and then he can return to his normal work. He won't.

We have 2 children under 2.

Before our children arrived I had £20k in savings and no debt. I've always worked full time and have a £30k a year income. Two periods of maternity leave and DH being unable to provide a regular income during both has left me with no savings and £15k in debt.

I've just discovered he has racked up £20k in debt.

Once again this month I'm having to cover the rent and most of the bills because he can't contribute and I want him to pay his loan and credit card rather than default and screw us up altogether.

I'm thinking of asking him to move out, stay with his parents, sort out his finances, come back when he's virtually cleared off his debt. Having him live with me is financially crippling me. I'm paying for everything.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

Ewock · 28/01/2017 20:44

Exactly Expat everyones opinions are welcomed and if useful the op can use them if not they can ignore them.

GabsAlot · 28/01/2017 20:57

i think its easy tp spend esp with mat leave twice and london rents

RogueStar01 · 29/01/2017 07:44

Yes and op didn't know her h was racking up debt, where's the compassion for someone who realised they were skint and went back to work when her baby was 5 months old? Hope you are doing ok op.

WaitrosePigeon · 29/01/2017 07:47

He doesn't want any of his family to know the financial mess we're now in.

Well tough fucking shit for him!

snapcrap · 29/01/2017 08:01

Apologies for not RTFT so this might have been said...I knew a couple in exactly this situation (she left him loooonnnngg ago).

The problem was he had the skills (builder) but not the business experience to run an expanding business and he was too proud to admit that. So he wracked up debts and she paid for everything for 10 years until she had enough. Needless to say he pays fuck all towards their son and never has.

I also know of a couple where the husband had a secret cocaine addiction hence the debt. They are still together because he finally came clean and got clean.

Itsjustaphase84 · 29/01/2017 08:12

This is one reason my OH got out of the trade,people not paying up/disputing. I don't think he wanted to do it anymore. His heart wasn't in it I think. Also his back wasn't strong enough for all the manual work. Could he do site management or get more qualifications?

vdbfamily · 29/01/2017 08:28

Are you paying alot for childcare? Could he be a SAHDad at present to at least save you that cost monthly until you have a long term plan.

user1471548941 · 29/01/2017 08:39

My Dad is a self employed tradesman and I help with the invoices/paperwork and I can confirm that you could easily spend £20k on parts for work that would be worth £30k and then the client would never pay the bill. We have had customers not pay bills of £40k and more. The culprits are mainly other small businesses e.g. Farms, not surprising, also struggling with cash flow but also local government. My Dad has tendered for work with them thinking it's a reliable job and then they have not paid a £25k bill. Many a local business round here has gone under due to non-payment from the county council. I think it's an absolute scandal and can't believe people don't know about it; it's a sure fire Daily Fail story!

EurusHolmesViolin · 29/01/2017 09:02

Ewock if you can't fathom how OP has spent so much more than you, I'd probably start with your childcare for 1 being only £500 a month. That's extremely low for the south east. I'd be surprised if OP's were anything like as cheap. Childcare is the answer to this conundrum generally: while they could theoretically manage on one 30k income even with a 1k a month rent, that would be reliant on one parent not working and doing the childcare, as a pp said. They basically have all the disadvantages of a two FT working parent setup and none of the advantages.

I don't think you are BU OP. I would find it hard to continue in a relationship with someone who'd treated me in this way. Also I would pay attention to the entitledto assessment, because on 30k as a single parent paying for childcare you will absolutely get a substantial award. A small amount of child tax credits, maybe £100ish a month, and a lot of childcare tax credits.

Charley50 · 29/01/2017 10:07

What euros said. Unless they have free childcare from family, that is a massive cost, which with the reality of the situation, the DH should be providing, not working and losing money.

oblada · 29/01/2017 10:17

I'm with those saying that yes maybe he has been a prick but you're far from blameless since at the very least you knew you were spending 35k more than you were earning and that is in only 2 years which is a very short period of time!

Yes everyone's expenses are different and childcare cost a lot but that's still a massive difference between what you had to spend (your salary minus time on mat leave + maternity pay + child benefit) and what you spent (the above + 35k without looking at OH's debt). It is still irresponsible in my view to be living so much beyond your means.
Did you never look at claiming child tax credit? Because to do your assessment you would have needed to know how much your OH earned through his trade...

Sending him off to his parents so you can claim benefits seems a bit unfair and irresponsible in my view. If you are looking at breaking up over this fine but you want to work through it with him then work through it properly. As a couple.

In your shoes I definitely would try to work it through, for the children and because unless he gambled the money away then it is childish but not unforgivable. He was being silly and burying his head in the sand. Sit down and work out a plan as a family. If he refuses to work through it or doesn't stick to the plan (which may involve either looking after the children FT or finding employment elsewhere) then maybe breaking up is best...

Allthewaves · 29/01/2017 10:59

yes and it's draining. Dh work has always been erratic. When we decided to have dc1 we saved to cover me for a years worth of pay so I could take a year (importantly my wages covers all our living costs if we live very basically - we set it up like this was because of dh erratic employment to avoid debt - we also moved to a cheaper part of the uk so our rent was halved).

He had the year of my maternity to try and improve work flow - it didn't so he became sahd, working weekends if there was work.

He managed to secure a permanent contract in his area of employment after 3 years so went back ft, we decided we could afford another child after saving again and I could go pt.

You need to sit down together perhaps with impartial person and go over all finances and work a way forward.

expatinscotland · 29/01/2017 11:00

How do you 'work it through properly as a couple' when one of you is a liar who doesn't want to do anything different? He's been 'silly' - he ran up £20k worth of debt behind her back. LOL @ all the people suggesting he become a SAHD - you'd really want someone that irresponsible looking after the kids?

I agree with not sending him to his folks so you can claim benefits, though. First of all, on salary you may not get any. Secondly, if you quit and go on benefits you may also be forced into bankruptcy which will make it hard for you to rent.

Newbrummie · 29/01/2017 12:44

Just because he's wracked debt doesn't mean he's not a good dad

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 29/01/2017 12:47

Just because he's wracked debt doesn't mean he's not a good dad

IT's the fact that he refuses to take responsibility to provide for his children that makes him a bad dad. If you could have the means to support your children and you won't, you are a shitty parent.

Newbrummie · 29/01/2017 15:00

NarkyMcDinkyChops - tell that to the family court. They couldn't give a fuck, the two are separate issues

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 29/01/2017 15:07

Who mentioned court? Facts are facts.

Newbrummie · 29/01/2017 15:14

Sadly those " facts" mean nothing when presented to those who's opinions count legally.

May50 · 29/01/2017 15:21

OP - I was in exactly the same situation as you for nearly a decade, resentment gradually building. Eventually I said you need to get a salaried job or leave, even 2 days a week to bring in something and then the rest of the time self-employed hobby job. No, no compromise, refused point blank as could never apparently work for someone else. So that's it, separated now a few months. I understand your frustration. I could never understand how ex wouldn't do anything to provide for his DC.

Ewock · 29/01/2017 15:37

I was thinking along the lines of Oblada, who managed to explain much better than I did.

Ewock · 29/01/2017 15:38

I do hope you are okay op. Lots of pp have knowledge of benefits and how to work through this so hopefully you will find the halp and advice you need.

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