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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not bail out husband from his mess

171 replies

Ohforcryingoutloud1 · 28/01/2017 10:13

DH is a self employed tradesman and trying really hard but work keeps on being unreliable and income erratic. I can't quite work out whether he's really unlucky or something is going wrong with the way he works. I have pleaded with DH to do something else which will give him a stable, reliable income, even if it's just for a year and then he can return to his normal work. He won't.

We have 2 children under 2.

Before our children arrived I had £20k in savings and no debt. I've always worked full time and have a £30k a year income. Two periods of maternity leave and DH being unable to provide a regular income during both has left me with no savings and £15k in debt.

I've just discovered he has racked up £20k in debt.

Once again this month I'm having to cover the rent and most of the bills because he can't contribute and I want him to pay his loan and credit card rather than default and screw us up altogether.

I'm thinking of asking him to move out, stay with his parents, sort out his finances, come back when he's virtually cleared off his debt. Having him live with me is financially crippling me. I'm paying for everything.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 28/01/2017 12:10

If ConvincingLiar is right, then I agree that it isn't on.

alreadytaken · 28/01/2017 12:16

he needs to get a job and if he isnt prepared to do that then it isn't a partnership and you may as well ask him to leave. But I disagree with the other comments - if he sorts himself out and finds a job then you should have him back.

Work on finding out where the debts are and if he is owed money then use the money claim online system to try and reclaim it.

You do need to accept some responsibility for getting into this mess and you will need to adopt a more frugal lifestyle.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 28/01/2017 12:22

Whenever we have had a tradesman do a large job we have paid up front for materials or paid in agreed stages for the work. I don't think a tradesmen has ever said "Well just pay me at the end" unless it was a really small job.

Is it worth going through all his outstanding invoices and chasing debtors up, legally if necessary. I think you can even sell debts, for a bit less than they are worth, if you are struggling to get customers to pay them. At the very least he needs to be reviewing how he does business.

indigox · 28/01/2017 12:25

He needs to grow up, take some responsibility and get a real job which contributes to his family, or leave.

My ex done this, refused to take an employed position but was doing "self employed work", that never ever made a profit and was just driving me into debt as I was having to fund this lifestyle he wanted whilst supporting both my child and his child, and at the same time he was building up secret debts buying stuff for the "work" that he didn't want me to know about. Thankfully he's gone now and he took his debt and irresponsible lifestyle, from what I've heard nothing's changed, he's still "self employed".

EweAreHere · 28/01/2017 12:30

It's not that you've just spent all of your savings, all of your income, and been forced to cut your maternity leave 7 months short, it's that you have no idea where the money has gone and he's been lying to you. Yes, lying to you. He's been actively hiding the problem from you; you found out by accident.

He has put your family into financial jeopardy through his hiding and lying.

And yet has still refused to get a paid job.

I would legally separate until the mess is sorted out and he has proven he can be financially trusted again. And that the family's needs come before his wants.

Because he can't manage his wants at the moment.

SleepFreeZone · 28/01/2017 12:31

If your husband is anything like the plumber who is currently fucking up my bathroom then I'm not surprised he is struggling to get paid. I think to be a successful tradesman you've either got to be very good or a conman.

EveOnline2016 · 28/01/2017 12:32

Let say you bring home £2000 a month. 1/2 goes on rent. Then with council tax and unititys and 2xthe amount of child care I can see why you are getting into debt and struggling. That's without the debts or buying food, household item and clothes.

He needs to step up and get a job with regular income. There is no way you can keep this up.

Olympiathequeen · 28/01/2017 12:34

That's appalling! You need to separate your finances and stop bailing him out. What an absolute irresponsible fuckwit to put his family in such a position because he wants to do things his way. You would all be better off financially if he became a sahp and allowed you to work. May not be ideal for you though. Sad

109joanne · 28/01/2017 12:40

Sounds like my first husband to be honest, you need to send him on his way until he grows up and takes responsibility. You haven't got 2 children you've got 3!
How his parents must have heaved a sigh of relief when he found a new mummy. You're not helping him, you're indulging him. He's not a parent, he's a passenger.
Show him the door, you deserve better.
Don't worry about him, he'll soon find a new mummy while you're still cleaning up the mess.

Saracen · 28/01/2017 12:42

I sympathise. It was a similar story with my dh's business, but didn't get as bad because we'd agreed not to take out loans for it. It was really hard for him to accept that all his hard work had no reward - I think that's why he didn't pull the plug on it sooner. His landlord suddenly and quite illegally seized all the business' assets in lieu of several months of unpaid rent. Fortunately this forced him to assess the picture and he decided to throw in the towel. He didn't owe money to anyone else. I considered it a lucky escape.

You are right in recognising that things can't go on as they are. If you still love him and can imagine a future with him, give him one last chance to be financially responsible while continuing to live with you. Go to debt counsellors or business advisors as others have recommended. Maybe you then need to take charge and say to him, "We are going to do x,y, and z to sort out our finances. If you want us to stay together this is not negotiable."

Kicking him out seems likely to be the end of your marriage. Besides, it seems unfair to expect his parents to help him out now. THEY weren't the ones standing by enabling him to get into this situation while he lived under their roof. That was you. (I realise you didn't know about the £20k debt until recently, but things had got out of hand even without that.)

expatinscotland · 28/01/2017 12:43

Grow a set! Send him to his parents and file for divorce. This man isn't a team player. He's a cock lodger. Sending him away to his folks so you can claim benefits is not on, and tbh, I wouldn't rely on entitled to if you're already on £30k. Of course he doesn't want his family to know he's an irresponsible ditherer who doesn't want to work.

Formerpigwrestler9 · 28/01/2017 12:47

Sounds like his work isn't really viable and he doesnt want to face up to that
If he had to stand on his own two feet he'd have to find work that paid, or find some otherother sucker to bank roll him

Formerpigwrestler9 · 28/01/2017 12:48

I don't think its fair to send him to his parents,why should they support him?

Costacoffeeplease · 28/01/2017 12:49

That's a huge amount of money just gone

He's been irresponsible and is going to end up dragging you all down with him. Either he has a plan to sort it all out and look for a job with a reliable income, or he leaves, I can't see any other way round it tbh

Formerpigwrestler9 · 28/01/2017 12:51

Could he be the sahp
And you do the breadwinning?

BabyHamster · 28/01/2017 12:59

If it were me I'd kick him out unless he agreed to give up on the business immediately, get a job and work together with you to clear the debts.

I'd be shocked and furious if I found out my partner has hidden £2k of debt from me, let alone £20k. That's a big deal. How long was he planning to let this go on for?

Beardsareweird · 28/01/2017 12:59

Why should his parents have to have him back??!! Do you mean stay there for free without paying his way?

SuperFlyHigh · 28/01/2017 13:01

Ok, so you've looked at all the options for your DH but is there any way you could go back to work part time etc?

I sort of see it as both your problems as you've been on maternity leave and not returned to work and he's been the sole breadwinner.

Also did you use your savings to live on? Or do it jointly with him?

expatinscotland · 28/01/2017 13:02

So when he's not working is he doing childcare and housework? I would just lose all respect for someone who behaved like this, tbh, and his passivity would kill off any feelings I had. He still wants to carry on indulging his hobby and not take responsibility for anything.

MorningHeavyWeight · 28/01/2017 13:04

That's 55k in 2 years! What has it been spent on?

expatinscotland · 28/01/2017 13:04

Please read the OP and her subsequent posts, Super. She is working full time, always has and cut mat leaves short when her full income stopped coming in as they couldn't afford for her to stay on mat leave.

eddielizzard · 28/01/2017 13:05

there's clearly a huge amount of resentment.

i would tell him to either get a job or it's over. he's blown through your savings and now he has to grow up. he isn't managing his cash flow, or his clients. so game over, he has to get a job.

bloody hell I'm pissed off for you.

expatinscotland · 28/01/2017 13:08

I would, too, Baby. He's only crying now because he got caught out, but hasn't offered to get a real job to start paying it down.

I could easily see how the £35k went in 2 years (this is excluding the £20k he spunked on 'work') if you're on £30k in the SE, renting and have 2 children under 2 in childcare.

Afterthestorm · 28/01/2017 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sweets101 · 28/01/2017 13:13

convincing i think OP was just making the point that he is such a drain financially that her and DC would actually be financially more secure without him and having benefit top ups. Which really just goes to show how much of a burden his lack of financial contribution/awareness is, because obviously it shouldn't be the case they would be better off with the top-ups that's only the case because of how he is handling (or not!) his side of the deal for financing family life.