To not use my mum who wants to provide childcare?

[Revving5]

I really don't know if it's unreasonable of me

DS is going to nursery for 3 days a week (he's 1) while I'm at work. My mum is absolutely gutted and says that she wants to look after him, I'm really grateful for this, but I really want him to experience what the nursery can offer (healthy meals, the correct stimulation, interacting with strangers, learning to play with children his age, etc.) I just think it sets him up well.

We go and see my mum all the time in the week (I see her pretty much every day with DS, so it's not like she doesn't see him) and she kindly has him if I have a doctor appointment, etc. and as lovely as it is that they spend time together, I don't really want it for those 3 days too, not saying she doesn't do a good job!! She's a great nan, but I just worry that it's not like nursery at all.

I'm not being unreasonable am I?

Oh god. 1 year olds don't need experiences and access to other children.

Better RTROTT but that just jumped out. Overstimulated, under cared-for.

I'd definitely go with one day a week with DM. As PP say, 1 is very little. Your DC isn't going to benefit from a lot of what nursery provides at that age. Professional care cannot compare to the unconditional love of a grandmother.

What has happened to make you so critical of your DM? Was she such a terrible mother?

right, not read all responses, but these posts suggesting that sending your child to nursery at one equals institutionalisation are really annoying.

My DC have all gone to nursery from under 1 years of age - and are all pretty balanced, social wee people these days. Nurseries (good ones) are FANTASTIC. Children get to experiences lots of activities, make wee friends, but also to chill out too. They are being looked after by professionals who do actually care about them.

I didn't have the option of grandparent care, but I think that it's a decision for a parent to make, and presumably the OP knows what she prefers for her child. Not all grandparents will be a whirl of baking, fund days out and art and storytelling you know.

I am proper annoyed now. Grr.

bloody hell - a 1 year old not benefit from nursery?? Or not need access to other children?? going to nursery does NOT mean over-stimulated or under-cared for. It means cared for children, who get a range of great activities, suited to their age and stage. Plus people who will cuddle them lots whilst Mummy/Daddy etc are at work.

Jesus actually WEPT.

I wouldn't let her do it because of blurred boundaries, she won't do things how you would which will end up creating tension and if she is ill or on holiday that creates childcare issues for you.

I think that the vast majority of people who say that 1-year-olds won't benefit haven't experienced a good nursery (or any nursery). My children (now in their teens) certainly loved nursery at that age.

Parents are the ones to make the decisions about child care; and you have made yours.

But I can understand how she feels - I have 2 of my GC on a regular basis while DD works and we love it and get to form a very close relationship with them. They have their routines and rituals that happen when they are her and they love it. They have a mixture of child care: us, nursery and a childminder. It works very well - we do not find ourselves doing more than we can cope with, and the children get a wide variety of life experiences and caring styles. And we are saving them lots of money - we are happy about that.

Nursery does give them lots of new experiences, as you have outlined; but being cared for 1:1 by a GP also provides another aspect of life for them to experience; another home where they feel secure and loved, and where they can be left in an emergency, secure in the knowledge that they will be safe there with familiar people.

They are very clear though who comes first - and jump up and down when Mummy arrives - which is as it should be.

The only thing that is awry here is that your Mum is showing how gutted she is. I make it a rule to respect my DCs' decisions about their children and not to make it about me in any way. Others of my DC have not used me for child care when they work and I respect their decisions.

I do not think it would be amiss for you to review your decision; but in the end it is your decision and you know best what you want for your child.

Could it be that you are anxious that your Mum might take over too much? My DD and I discussed a lot of ground rules when she first asked me to care for the children and we are clear what is OK by both parties.

Do what suits you from childcare, I would never rely on family 3 days a week, it's bound to end in disaster.
But I can see your mum desperately wants to spend time with him and that's lovely. Could she pick him up from nursery at lunchtime once a week or once a fortnight and have the afternoon with him?

We did the one day a week grandma compromise and it just didn't work. MIL is great, DD loves, knows her house well and so was comfortable there. But MIL just didn't do childcare (which was surprising to me given she broygt up her own children well). The TV was on ALL day - which is totally inappropriate, and she never took her out to, not even to the park. I would take DD's pram so she could get her nap, but MIL reported DD wouldn't sleep for her. This really surprised me, til it transpires that she was just putting her in the pram and expecting her to go to sleep, rather than like a normal person taking her for a walk in it! She also tried to get out of it every week. It just didn't work.

A wonderful nursery is considerably better than all day TV, even if the person who switched on the box is someone who loves you.

My mum and Mil shared care of ds when I returned to work three days a week. They took it in turns. Very different people, so he got a variety of experiences (mils sole 'purpose' on days she had ds was to care for him, my mum has a busier life so he went along with her, and had access to cousins, extended family at the same time, mum also took him to playgroups, Mil took him to park etc etc)

He will go to nursery, but not yet (18 months and I'm on mat leave for next child)

In your position I think I'd do two days nursery, one with your mum. Or, if you are set on three days nursery, maybe your mum could have him one day a fortnight to give you a break and some time for yourself.

The issue isn't whether nurseries are bad or whether granny is bad at looking after him. The issue is that OP wants him in nursery because she thinks it will benefit him.

I agree with everyone else. Nurseries have lots of benefits for children, but not until they're two. There is no evidence that they have any benefit for one-year-olds.

If OP doesn't want granny to have him because she's worried about the downsides of family care, then she's not being unreasonable. But if she's worried about her baby missing out on nursery, she definitely is.

Let him go one day a week. Save the money and put it in an account to do exciting classes/trips out with him on the days you have him. He'll have a lovely relationship with his granny, she'll be happy, and you'll be able to do nicer things with him on the days you have him.

Unless there's something awful about your mum I would definitely choose 1:1 care over nursery care before the age of 3.

1:1 attention is much better at that age for their language development etc. How can a nursery offer the same level of adult-child interaction? Just sitting there and reading a story book, pointing things out, chatting etc, it's so good for kids.

But Mamushka, that assumes the one on one carer will do those things - some will just plonk the child in front of the TV, and nursery will always trump that.

I would love to know where a nursery like you have described exists, having visited several so far I still cannot find one I would be happy with. Would love to have the option of relatives having dc and perhaps involving a pretty school when they are older.

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-tongue/9156424/Grandparents-better-than-nurseries-for-young-childrens-development.html
This is interesting.

Is daycare bad for children? A friend of mine posted this on a thread on Facebook a while back and it still makes me chuckle. It's from a paper reviewing various studies.

Studies have linked daycare to children’s behavior problems (Belsky, 1999; Vandell, Burchinal, Friedman, & Brownell, 2001), failed to find a link (Blau, 1999; Borge et al., 2004; Erel, Oberman, & Yirmiya, 2000),
or found that daycare is linked to a reduction in such problems (Denham & Burton, 1996; Field, 1991; Prodromidis, Lamb, Sternberg, Hwang, & Broberg, 1995). Research has linked daycare participation to lower levels of aggressive behavior in toddlers (Arsenio, 2004) and to higher levels of externalizing behavior in kindergarteners (NICHD ECCRN, 2003). The link between overall time in non-parental care and externalizing behavior disappears altogether by the third grade (NICHD ECCRN, 2005). Bacharach and Baumeister (2003) concluded that, “there is no definitive answer to the question and to whether there is a relationship between prekindergarten care arrangements and risk of subsequent
behavior disorders among children in kindergarten” (p. 529).
Regarding cognitive development, studies have found deleterious effects (Russell, 1999; Vandell & Corasaniti, 1990), no significant links (Melhuish, Lloyd, Martin, & Mooney, 1990; NICHD ECCRN, 2000b; Votruba-Drzal, Levine Coley, & Chase-Lansdale, 2004) and positive daycare effects (Andersson, 1996; Spieker, Nelson, Petras, Jolley, & Barnard,
2003). Vandell (2004) concluded that, “findings are mixed with respect to amount (and timing) of child care and children’s cognitive, language, and academic performance” (p. 402).

Regarding socio-emotional development, research has shown that daycare hinders the quality of parent–child relations (Belsky & Rovine, 1988; Campbell, Cohn, & Meyers, 1995), does not hinder it (Booth, Clarke-Stewart, Vandell, McCartney, & Owen, 2002; NICHD ECCRN, 1997), that the adverse effects are small and transitory (Harvey, 1999; Scarr, 1997), or intermittent (NICHD, 1998). Early daycare has been linked to problems in parenting (NICHD, 1999a) and to improvements in parenting interactions (Edwards, Logue, Loehr, & Roth, 1987; NICHD, 1997).
Shonkoff and Phillips (2000) concluded that, “when child care is found to be associated with the mother–child relationship, the link is as likely to be positive as it is to be negative” (p. 310). Reviewing the literature on the effects of non-parental care (NPC), Hagekull and Bohlin (1995)
concluded that, “whether day care has detrimental effects or not in terms
of insecure attachment, non-compliance and aggression has been extensively studied, and no general conclusion can be drawn at present” (pp. 506–507).

To summarise:

• Whatever the effects are, the evidence is very definitely contradictory, and any effects are likely to be slight.
• Unless Granny is actually neglectful, OP is being unreasonable to be worried about the kid spending time with her. But she says in her original post that she has no worries. So I'd send him to Granny and save the money personally.
• OTOH, people quoting one study as gospel and saying nurseries are all neglectful are also being unreasonable. A bad nursery is obviously a bad idea. But OP sounds very happy with the nursery she's picked.

No way on earth would I send my hypothetical one year old to nursery three days a week when there is someone who loves them who is willing to have them. I think a grandparent providing care is a better environment than a nursery for a child of that age for the most part. I would much prefer someone who really loves my child to give them 1to1 care.

Unless of course the grandparent is an arsehole and likely to hang the fact that they provide free child care over your head and is the sort of person who would refuse to take any of your wishes into consideration (like feeding them nothing but crisps and telling you that you have no right to ask she feeds them better)

There is no evidence that they have any benefit for one-year-olds.

Benefit in terms of what though? If they enjoy it and socialise then surely there is a benefit versus doing nothing except watch television all day which I think is what OP suspects will happen at her DM house.

I think that all the research has actually shown overall very minor average differences between different forms of childcare and grandparents. The main variation will depend on the quality of care provided by individual grandparents and nurseries i.e. a good grandparent will be better than a poor nursery and visa versa.

I pay my mum to have my children while I work, she gave up her part time job to do it, begged me to have the kids while I was at work. It has worked out brilliantly thankfully. I had the most amazing secure childhood with lots of memories of mum being there every day. We didn't do anything exciting, it was probably pretty boring and humdrum but that security and contentment has stayed with me. I can't be there every day for my kids I have to work, so if I can't give them that feeling every day then I know she can and does. She adores them (and they her)but doesn't spoil them and it hasn't spoiled our relationship at all. Yes they watch TV sometimes, they also bake, read and paint. I try and make all the school plays and assemblies but if I can't she does. In fact even when I can make them she comes anyway!
I batch cook their healthy meals so didn't have to worry about that or provided lunches as they got older.

She doesn't to baby groups. I asked she said no and that's fine. Although I have 3 DS so they have plenty of company and the 5 year old and almost 3 year old are now in school/preschool.

They only downside is I don't feel I can ask her to babysit for a night out or if we have a wedding etc. I do have MIL though, who has always been upfront about not wanting to provide childcare but loves to babysit. I'm very lucky.

OP I feel there's something else holding you back but if I'm wrong and you trust her with yiur son I would seriously think about taking your mum up on her offer, even for 1 day a week.

One year olds are still babies and they don't get one to one care in these nurseries. Don't forget these places merely exist to make money - they are not emotionally invested at all!

Sorry but I think you are making a mistake for your child's wellbeing, being cared for by someone who loves him, is far better for a baby than being cared for by someone on (close to) minimum wage - and bonding with strangers is nesh compared to a close bond with his nanny

I don't mean to make this sound a dig at you, as really I am not emotionally invested either so it makes no diff to me

Your kid would be better with someone who genuinely cared about him plus I think you are sending a real message to your own mother here that you would rather pay someone to look after him than her!

The advantages of nursery are 1,that they are always available e.g. when care giver is ill(having caught DS's cold) and 2, there is no awkwardness around caregiver wanting a holiday or a difference in parenting technique so so risk to your or your OH's relationship with your mother.Beyond these important issues I cannot imagine any scenario in which it would not be preferable for your baby to be having one to one care with a loving and experienced relative rather than at a nursery.Some of us don't have these choices available but I would have loved this for my children.

I'd bite her hand off. Compromise, save youself some money and let him have a Granny day and two at nursery.

I don't see how some PPs can say the OP's child will be 'better off with Nan'. We have no idea what 'Nan' is like or how a permanent childcare arrangement with her would work out.

Could be fabulous, could be fraught with issues.

Bottom line is, I don't think OP is unreasonable to do what she thinks is right for her child. She shouldn't have to take her mum's preference into account in this decision, IMO.

Blossomdeary speaks much sense, IMO:

"The only thing that is awry here is that your Mum is showing how gutted she is. I make it a rule to respect my DCs' decisions about their children and not to make it about me in any way. Others of my DC have not used me for child care when they work and I respect their decisions.

I do not think it would be amiss for you to review your decision; but in the end it is your decision and you know best what you want for your child.

Could it be that you are anxious that your Mum might take over too much? My DD and I discussed a lot of ground rules when she first asked me to care for the children and we are clear what is OK by both parties."