To not use my mum who wants to provide childcare?

[Revving5]

I really don't know if it's unreasonable of me

DS is going to nursery for 3 days a week (he's 1) while I'm at work. My mum is absolutely gutted and says that she wants to look after him, I'm really grateful for this, but I really want him to experience what the nursery can offer (healthy meals, the correct stimulation, interacting with strangers, learning to play with children his age, etc.) I just think it sets him up well.

We go and see my mum all the time in the week (I see her pretty much every day with DS, so it's not like she doesn't see him) and she kindly has him if I have a doctor appointment, etc. and as lovely as it is that they spend time together, I don't really want it for those 3 days too, not saying she doesn't do a good job!! She's a great nan, but I just worry that it's not like nursery at all.

I'm not being unreasonable am I?

One of the issues with family childcare is what happens if your mum gets ill? What if she is ill for a long time? With nursery waiting lists you may have to take a lot of leave from work. For me that is a huge plus of a nursery.

I think it's difficult as personally, at the age of 1 I don't think a nursery is particularly the best environment for them (have you considered a childminder instead?) but I don't think having your mom look after him for 3 days is a good idea either. My mom uses to look after my sister's children one day a week and it went on for years and it did start to cause resentment.

What if your mom fancies a two week holiday? That leaves you stuck for childcare or worse still your mom wouldn't go because she'd feel guilty about letting you down. Three days a week is a huge commitment and although your mom may love the idea of it now, the reality can be very definite and it will impact on her feee time, her social life, her plans etc and it could start causing issues. And as a previous poster said - what if she is ill? Maybe you could use these factors when explaining to your mom why you don't think your DS going to hers 3 days a week.

Or tell her that nursery won't accept a child unless they are attending at least two days a week but you are happy for her to have him for the other day.

Good luck OP - it's a difficult situation.

How about 1 day of the 3. That way you have a back up. If your mum is too ill to have DS you can have an extra day at nursery & if DS is too ill to go to nursery, but not so ill you don't want to leave him (which is a lot in the 1st year ime) your mum could step in. She may not want to help out in an emergency if she feels she's not good enough for a normal day.

I would never choose institutional childcare over one to one loving care from Grandma. Ask her to take him to a toddler group on one day. Poor baby is only one 🙁 Have you read anything about the choices available?
Nursery before 2.5 gives nothing extra it just takes away. It is great if you have no option but you do have an option.

YANBU

Everyone I know who uses family chil care has had issues with availability, illness, boundaries, quality of the care, food, what the family does with the child. Also, sweet immobile 1 year olds, become shouty 2/3/4 year olds who don't stay still for 2 minutes. One child I know was "dumped" by grandma for bridge club! The parents had to take a day off work each week until they could find childcare.

Save grandparents for weekends and babysitting. And school holidays in time to come!

I think your right op. People saying but granny will give him one to one etc dont know your child or your mother. You've said she'll do things her way and that's not what you want. If theres any issues with nursery you can discuss them upfront. Not so easy with family. Stick to your plan.

She already has a good relationship with GC so there's no worry re bond. Also the reliability of care is what you need when working. Family is not likely to give you that.

'Healthy meals' are what all nurseries offer but give it a few months and you'll see it's often spaghetti hoops or spam fritters.

Nursery isn't 'beneficial' to children under 2 - this is the point where it's actively good for them to be in a stimulating environment and to learn to play and engage with others.

However as pp have said free childcare has its concerns - what if your mum is ill, goes away etc and also if you disagree about how she does stuff you can't really complain.

Why not ask her to collect lol from nursery for you one or two days out of the 3. You can say you want lot to have a shorter day when he/she first starts. That way you can always phase out the arrangement if low seems happy and settled. It will also give your dm a taster of what hard work it would actually be! If it works, you've then got the option of leaving low with her if you're not happy with nursery. It also means you're not rushing back on those nights (super helpful for meetings etc) and have a backup when lo is ill and nursery won't have her (which will be LOTS in the first year).

It's entirely up to you. It's got nothing to do with his grandma, she had her turn with babies.

My wonderful MIL has mine 3 days a week (she picks 2yo up when I drop 4yo at school, and collects 4yo I'm afternoon)

I wouldn't be able to work without her doing this. Childcare for 2yo and wraparound care for 4yo would cost more than I earn!!!

My MIL genuinely enjoys spending this time with the kids.

If we could afford childcare I am not sure if I would use it, not when MIL is ready, willing and able.

So,e of these responses are really sad.

I look after my 1 year old grand daughter 2 days a week, she goes to nursery for 2 days and her mum has her on the fifth day. I pick her up at 6am and she is collected by DS at 4pm.
We go to soft play, toddler group, the park, the beach, visits relatives and she loves going shopping. We spend time having tea parties, finger painting and playing in the mud kitchen.
I provide everything for her while she is here and have never attached any strings, or made anyone feel obligated. As far as illness goes, i view being ill and caring for my GD the same as i viewed being ill and caring for my children - you just get on with it.

We plan holiday times to coincide, we work together to offer her the best of all worlds. As far as i am concerned, caring for her is mutually beneficial, it is truly wonderful.

I have no doubt that her mum and dad will have a whinge about me occasionally- tis human nature - but seeing how many people automatically viewing MiLs and mums providing free childcare so negatively is sad.

I

If your Mum is secretive and wants to do things her own way and undermine you then I think you have good reason to prefer nursery, but in the general case I'd prefer 1-1 with a parent or grandparent for under 2s/3s. I was lucky to be able to choose that for my children, then they did mornings at preschool from about 2 and a half.

Eta this has been our arrangement for a year now and there have been no issues / clashes / differences of opinions. MIL is very amenable, listens to me and does loads with the kids. If it didn't work I'd be fucked though.

If your worry is that he will miss so out not being at nursery at this age yes you are. There is nothing wrong with a nursery but personally I don't think the need for socialisation until they are 3 in the run up to school

So it comes down to you and your mum how you get on and the job she would do nursery is not a factor in this

Both mine were looked after by my parents when I went to work. (Still do) both started afternoons at preschool and this worked well

I did exactly the same as you OP. My mum offered to have my daughter when I went back to work but I chose nursery instead. I didn't want to start awkward conversations about how I wanted her to care for my dd and why I didn't want her to do certain things. It worked out fine. I don't feel like I'm asking too much on the times I do ask her for childcare and I can relax and leave her to spoil the children as she wants. Funnily enough when dc 2 and 3 came along shortly after, I think she was quite relieved that she wasn't going to be asked to care for all of them on a regular basis.

My 1 year old has thrived at nursery, he loves it there and spending time with the other babies. I have no worries at all leaving him there.
He goes to grandma's one day a week and they don't leave the house, just sit in front of the TV eating biscuits.

Reading your posts it seems DM just likes to have DC 'around' and isnt actually 'doing' anything with him.

I'm going to agree with a PP on this thread that mentioned the hundreds of posts along the lines of 'DM / MiL is doing xxxxxxxxxxxx with DC but I cant say anything because its free childcare'

What you say already is true - you already see DM a lot so its not like you are 'depriving' DM..... and in truth he's a dolly or a comfort blanket anyway. Nursery WILL benefit DS at 1 year old he will fast be becoming his own little person. Moreover you will never be in a compromising situation as you are relying on her free childcare.

Actually I fully agree with your OP as long as you find the right nursery (aka one that actually spend time stimulating him, has real healthy meal, not lip service to it etc). 1yo isn't too young for that. It's those formative years (up to school age) that make the most difference IMO. (That's why they have provision for nursery places from 2yo too. So yes a stimulating environment is known to be better for children than staying at home, playing a bit, not going out etc)

Also if you already have an inkling that your mum looking after him could be an issue for you (what did you do and so on) the. I would stay clear. Trust your instinct in that one.

Wow people are really scathing of nurseries.

Both mine have gone to nursery, albeit part time. There were no 17 year olds working there at all. They are/were all parents themselves, very experienced, meals were made freshly onsite. Lots of stimulation, lots of time outside.

I don't think babies need nursery at all, but it's no use having granny provide childcare if it's going to cause problems. Some grannies are renowned for feeding endless junk food and plonking in front of the tv. Plus there's the issue of what to do when granny is ill.

If I were you op I'd ask her to have him for one day a week and use the nursery for two, best of both worlds and everyone is happy.

Oh and I do think that being out of the house for under 3yo is important. It's making the transition to nursery and then school much much easier than if they are used to be at home all day pretty much doing whatever they want (or the day fitted around them rather than fitting around whatever is needed).

In effect, you will find people defending all sorts of ideas, hugely in opposition to each other so I'm not sure MN will be that helpful there

You already have a clear idea of what is best for your DC. Stick with it.

From how your describing your mom she sounds exactly like mine. My DM is very much a celebrations and TV sort of Nan too but you know what, my kids absolutely love her!! The bond is amazing and it sounds like your son loves your DM loads too. My mom isn't the let's do toddler groups or the park sort of person but she is fun and has a lot of love to give. She will do the nursery rhymes with them, dance with them, make them laugh and make them feel loved. For a child to feel genuinely loved and safe while still in the early stages of development has to have a much greater impact than a bunch of strangers doing a good job at a nursery.
I guess it's about perspective and seeing the strengths and virtues that your mom has to offer.
My MIL is a nursery teacher, she does all the activities with the kids that a nursery would do, she's organised, efficient and armed full of ideas. She'll bake with the kids using fresh ingredients, you know the sort. In comparison my mom can just about buy one of those peppa pig cake packs and pop them in the oven but my kids have a clear favourite, it's my mom. I actually feel bad for my MIL as she's a good person and loves the kids and does a lot with them but she just hasn't got that affinity with them that my DM has got, it's just one of those things.
I personally love when my kids come back from the in laws, all pristine and orderly as opposed to when they come back from my parents with one sock on and goodness knows that food down their clothes (my parents are clean people just carefree) but the kids come storming through the door in a blaze of happiness from my DP.
So I guess despite my rambling what I'm trying to say is try and see things from your one year old sons perspective if he loves your mom and she loves him then isn't that a better environment than a bit of structured play at a nursery?
Mine went to nursery when they were 2 years old btw so I'm not against nurseries.

We all know what your DS will do at nursery the issue is what will your mum do with him?
My DM looked after my DS and it was a pain as they sat around all day eating crap watching telly. I would pick him up after work and take him to the park! It saved me money but I was knackered. I never felt I could just chill with the kids as they did so much of that at my DMs house.

If she takes him to the park, feeds him healthily, reads lots of stories, takes him to toddler groups, plays with him - painting, play doh etc then brilliant. If she just plans on watching telly not so good.

No under 3 needs nursery.
None of my kids went anywhere until 4 and they're all lovely sociable people.
I'd go with the grandmother - a bit of CBeebies & spaghetti hoops is fine.

Unless you have serious doubts about how your mum would look after him I would definitely take her up on her offer. I don't think a nursery environment is beneficial for a 1 yr old. Read Oliver James How Not To Fuck Them Up. He talks about it a lot, and says something about childcare like in terms of best environment it goes- parent, grandparent, nanny, childminder, nursery