To not use my mum who wants to provide childcare?

[Revving5]

I really don't know if it's unreasonable of me

DS is going to nursery for 3 days a week (he's 1) while I'm at work. My mum is absolutely gutted and says that she wants to look after him, I'm really grateful for this, but I really want him to experience what the nursery can offer (healthy meals, the correct stimulation, interacting with strangers, learning to play with children his age, etc.) I just think it sets him up well.

We go and see my mum all the time in the week (I see her pretty much every day with DS, so it's not like she doesn't see him) and she kindly has him if I have a doctor appointment, etc. and as lovely as it is that they spend time together, I don't really want it for those 3 days too, not saying she doesn't do a good job!! She's a great nan, but I just worry that it's not like nursery at all.

I'm not being unreasonable am I?

You are doing 100% the right thing, well done you for not giving into the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). Incredibly healthy model for your child!

Those who oust he's be better off with your mum don't know her, you do and you've made your decision based on that.

Lots of people send their 6mo to nursary as they can't afford not to work and that is absolutly ok! Sounds like you make the most of your time with your baby.

Enjoy and rest assured you have the best plan for you!

Ps Oliver James book recognises the whole mix of childcare options and recognises the effect of a negative childcare provider (this can either be a nursery or a parent or a grandparent).

Also, if you're not happy with your baby being with your mum, nobody is truly happy! Trust your intuition!

My DM started looking after my DD when I went back to work 3 days/week. After 3 months of her not even taking her out for a walk, or to groups/anywhere and other issues (major differences), I found a wonderful childminder. My DM was not mother of the year when I was a child, I gave her a chance and it didn't work.

DD loved her childminder, who was like an auntie to her and did lots with her. She had her own young child and they went to groups/soft play/park/messy play. It was the closest I could get to a home environment, better than nursery with its ever-changing staff/large numbers of children.

I'd bite her hand off! My DM went part time so that she could have DS two days a week and those were his best days. He was fine at nursery the other three days but once he was able to talk he made it clear that grandma days were the best. She did do parks, days out etc as she was a primary school teacher.

Your DC can't talk yet to tell you himself. What do you think he'd say if he could?

I am a Gran and do childcare on an "as required' basis. These days are great fun for me and the children, and help us to bond. However, there is no way that I can provide care of the same quality and variety of a good nursery. You need to stand firm on this as obviously you child's needs come first. I think possibly your DM has forgotten how tiring and relentless it is. Also, like me, she is probably out of touch with current childcare ideas.

Stick with nursery - mine went ft from 6 months old and benefited so much from their time there. Plenty of time to visit grandparents at weekends and holidays.

YANBU. You know what your baby responds to and what your mum /nursery provides. Mine really suited nursery (from 12months old) as is very sociable and wants to play with children her own age (ideally slightly older). She is at a great nursery and gets much more education there than I'd expected.

A different child might have preferred 1 to 1 attention with a parent, but it sounds like your child is getting plenty of that too.

No need to feel guilty about doing what you think is best for your child.

Well yes of course, a good nursery is better than a dodgy/inept grandparent. But it doesn't sound like that is the case here, and the OP's reasons for choosing a nursery, stimulation/ socialisation, are wrong for a 1yr old IMO.

Some grandparents are stimulating, caring, respect the parent's wishes and give the grandchild a healthy environment. Some don't.

OP is in a position to have options, and she has misgivings about the quality of care available with grandma. Fine for occasions, but not healthy for chilcare routines.

There's also the issue of the practicalities of offering regular childcare. It's tiring and gets more so as a baby develops into a toddler and needs constant supervision from getting themselves into difficulties. It costs opportunities for socialising and holidays etc. It's a huge commitment, and some grandparents underestimate the impact that it has on them.

Nursery is a reliable option with clear boundaries.

I think he'd be better off with his nan.

I'd let her have him one day a week. There are lots of benefits to nursery, but whilst the staff take very good care of the children, nothing can really replace real love and I think at any age we can intuitively feel that. It sounds a bit like you're already being a leeetle bit pushy in your wants for him to grow up very quickly. There's nothing wrong with staying in all day and snuggling up to granny when you're one year's old, or even two or three. Obviously by 5 there may be issues, but he'll be at school anyway.

Gobsmacked by all the nursery haters on here!
OP you know your child and your mum and you should go with your instinct. Back up for when your son is ill or you have to work an extra day it will be fab too knew he can go to grandma.
I bet some grandma's provide amazing childcare that no nursery could hope to better. But many will be les than ideal.
My mum has my sister's children a lot and often leaves her in the lurch if she's ill or has planned something else. Also moans about them being loud etc (just normal children). Feeds then far too much sugar.Plus my nephews are quite sedate and will read /draw for ages - my mum thinks children should get on with it and amuse themselves while she does other stuff - my children need much more activity/stimulation than that. My mum has helped in emergencies (chicken pox etc) but I am 100% sure their nurseries have provided better care even as babies.

Your child your choice!

IMO, I would use a childminder/nursery especially after you said that she does things her own way. It would stop any awkwardness and allow your DM meet up with friends/go on holiday etc.

I would just say that you want your DS to mix with other children.

It's a personal choice, but at age 1 I'd be keener that a loving member of the family was looking after my kid than worrying about socialisation etc. There is plenty of time for that in the pre-school years.

All the research is that being away from a one-to-one caregiver negates any benefits of nursery for the under 3s. They can't play together at that age anyway. It is, however, your baby and your choice.

I think 1 day a week with nan would be good at his age. But don't rely on her for all 3 days.

Possibly a good idea to have two types if childcare, as when illness strikes, there might be option of using extra day at nursery or grandma

I think I would delay nursery for 6 months or a year. Being loved and secure is more important than a busy environment with lots of competing needs for a 1 year old. He won't "benefit" from nursery until 2+.

We used GP one day a week and nursery two days. Both boys loved nursery and equally loved their day with granny. I get on well with my MIL and didn't have a concern about her looking after them, we did it because MIL wanted to not because of the money we saved. However what it did do was stop us going to see the PILs as often at weekends and stopped us asking them to babysit as we felt we were expecting too much from them. We ended up stopping the one day a week when my oldest went to school so we could get back to them being grandparents rather than childcare.

It sounds like you do have pretty big issues(t.v, chocolate, secrecy, not going out) with how your mum looks after him, which does make it seem the right decision for him to go to nursery.
I would never generally choose a nursery over grandparents, but it sounds like the right decision as it will create conflict between you and your Mum.

Depends also whether she will parent in a similar way to you. I didn't enjoy being left with my grandmother at all. I was older though.

It's lovely that lots of posters have DM/MIL who do lots of activities with their DGC, but that's not really relevant if the OP thinks her mother won't. If the OP doesn't think her DS will be looked after the way she wants then it's going to cause stress & possibly arguments. No doubt if she & DS see her DM almost every day then there is plenty of opportunity for bonds to develop.

I'm a bit shocked about the way some posters perceive nurseries to be "looked after by 17 yr olds", "bunch of strangers" & "no emotional attachment". They have obviously never sent their child to a good nursery with qualified staff who really care about the children. There is no doubt about the emotional attachment between my DD & her key worker.

Also, very few children get full-time focused one-to-one attention at home, it's usually split between other siblings, dogs, the dishwasher, cooking & shopping etc.

OP, if you are happy with your arrangement then stick to it, you know your child & your mother best. Both my DDs have thrived on 3 days a week at nursery, and it means that if we want a chill out day on one of my days off then I don't feel guilty about the lack of finger painting!

Op - only you can make the decision, based on how active your mum is with your DS and how good the nursery environment is (and your finances too). But please ignore those saying a nursery will 'fuck up' your child!

We had no GP near us, so both my 2 went to nursery 3 days a week from 6mths (mat leave max when mine were little) - followed by after school care until 11 ish.

DS is now in first year at a good uni, doing a science, he is hardworking, confident, social, a lovely young man and close to us still, definitely NOT 'fucked up' from being at nursery from 6 mo.

DD at college, doing a business course, similarly confident, outgoing, lots friends, developing into a kind and caring young lady. Again, definitety NOT 'fucked up'.

Maybe there is still time for them to change but both mine seem to have turned out fine, whatever the critics say about nursery.

I also still know quite a few of DCs' cohort from nursery, as we live in a '1 high school' town so all gone through same school and some are still DCs friends - again, they have turned out fine from what I can tell!!

As others suggest I would to 2 days nursery one day granny. My DD started off with 3 days nursery and 1 day granny before going 4 days at nursery and one day at granny.

There is so much negativity on this thread regarding nurseries. I think if you find a good one your child will do well. My child is now in school and has long left her nursery but there were so many positives from her nursery time that has set her up nicely for school. She has a really close group of friends that she met at nursery that she is still friends with now, years on. They still meet at clubs and birthday parties and greet each other like family. DD also started school already ahead with her reading and writing and she still has that head start years on. When other kids were struggling with the long days at school she came home full of beans and ready for more.

I think the key is to choose a good nursery. The one I chose only employed staff who had an Early Years qualification. The staff considered themselves as professionals who took their role seriously but with love and care. DD had a key worker that she loved but was not overly attached to (she wasn't upset if she was off that day) and then there was a primary school teacher who organised play everyday. They did everything from fire building to flying foxes to practicing numbers and letters.

It was a bloody expensive nursery but so worth it. I just wanted to share DD's experience to give you another view of nursery.

I don't think yabu though I'd be inclined to let her have one day pw.

You do have a bit of a distorted view on what he'll get a nursery though. Trust me.. they talk good talk but it's always the same... young inexperienced girls. A dabble of older women stuck in their ways... a made up bit of fluffy talk on their daily sheets about who they 'played' with ... and that 'organic dinner' is crackers and cheese with a bit of veg. It's a carousel of nappy changes, hand wiping and trying to keep on top of ofsted.

I've worked in presteigous nurserys and bog standard nurserys and it was a shock. The kids are mostly happy and it's fairly reliable childcare but don't go thinking that top dollar buys you the best nursery. It's about profits and a good show for parents and ofsted.