To not use my mum who wants to provide childcare?

[Revving5]

I really don't know if it's unreasonable of me

DS is going to nursery for 3 days a week (he's 1) while I'm at work. My mum is absolutely gutted and says that she wants to look after him, I'm really grateful for this, but I really want him to experience what the nursery can offer (healthy meals, the correct stimulation, interacting with strangers, learning to play with children his age, etc.) I just think it sets him up well.

We go and see my mum all the time in the week (I see her pretty much every day with DS, so it's not like she doesn't see him) and she kindly has him if I have a doctor appointment, etc. and as lovely as it is that they spend time together, I don't really want it for those 3 days too, not saying she doesn't do a good job!! She's a great nan, but I just worry that it's not like nursery at all.

I'm not being unreasonable am I?

I'm sad that so many people seem to have negative views of nurseries. Both of my DDs have been genuinely cherished by nursery staff and love/loved going to nursery. DD2 is still at nursery and it's an amazing nursery. They only had up to 6 babies in the baby room and the same 2 members of staff pretty much the whole time, so barely different to having one carer. Other staff would pop in and out to cover breaks and even just for cuddles so she knew more staff when she moved to the next room. The staff are mostly qualified and most have their own children.

To make blanket statements about home or nursery being better up to a certain age seems rather lacking in imagination or experience. I know that not all nurseries are as good and whether nursery suits a child depends on the child. My DDs are very outgoing, sociable girls who thrive on having lots of adults and children around. I'd also make a terrible SAHM, so I'm confident that they are better off going to nursery than being at home with me or other family members. I wouldn't dream of suggesting that every child should go to nursery based on my experiences and I really can't see how others can justify making statements in the opposite direction about what is best for all children.

Childcare institution. 😂

If you'd had the option of a reliable, trustworthy family member who actively wanted to look after your DDs would you have turned them down?

Also I might add, I found "my" people at nursery. I've always struggled to make friends and hadn't really found a group of friends since moving back into the town that we now live in. Through DD's friendships made at nursery and from going to birthday parties and clubs I've managed to make a lovely group of friends that I seem to have a lot in common with.

Happy mum, happy child. Just another positive for nursery.

Also nursery helped with non-napping DD. Her lovely key worker went above and beyond to help get DD into a good sleeping routine during the day. Although I suppose peer pressure also helped! Nursery also helped with nappy training.

There was one day I sobbed uncontrollably in the nursery office when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. The nursery were fantastic about it and helped me with extra days when I had to take him to hospital for appointments.

I cannot praise highly enough DD's old nursery.

I would do 2 days at nursery and 1 day with grandma. Toddlers actually need a close loving relationship with a small number of people including relatives, more than a nursery environment at this age. They enjoy the variety of play but they don't really 'play' with other children, just alongside them. Sometimes nursery is overstimulatig and curling up with book and grandma is a nice relaxing day. Of course all toddlers are different and you know your child best.

I would try the mixed care for a while as it will save you money and appease grandma and may be a nice relaxing day for your child.

Fwiw. DS2 (3) loves morning nursery 5 days a week but has one afternoon a week with grandma and they go swimming. Both love it and DS adores his grandma and would play with her every day if he could.

Forgot to say DS loves nursery but is often quite 'tippy' and emotional when he gets home as it can be a bit stressful for him

Sorry to be controversial but a 1 year old IS better with family if this is an option, or a split in this favour. Nursery is important from 2.5 years plus. Before this the level of care is just not there . I'd be taking her up on it for some of the time and putting the child in nursery for a couple of mornings.

Nursery Schmursery. A child under three thrives at home conditions. Nursery is just a glorified prison parking lot for little ones.

I would 100% let your DM look after your DC. Not a question.

The only reason my DC went to nursery a few times a week at the younger years was that my DM was working and my Ex-MIL was way too occupied with hitting the gym twice a day over looking after her GC.

Honestly, the nursery environment is so brutal way too often. My DC got bullied in one, eventually we changed. It's horrid.

But of course YANBU in making your own choices re childcare - you're the parent.

X post Pinkie Great minds and all...

Absolutely. And I work in education so can confirm the research backs this up

Again - these blanket statements about 'nursery'. Nursery isn't one homogeneous place. There are amazing nurseries out there. The nursery we use is incredibly caring, it isn't a prison or parking lot.

Social science research is incredibly difficult to undertake because of the huge number of variables involved. Once you recognise that it is impossible to come to the firm conclusion that all children under a certain age are better off at home.

Children are better with one regular carer. Why do you think nurseries give a child a key worker?

It depends who that person is, Cherry

PussInCoutts - sounds like you chose the wrong nursery. My DT's thrived at nursery - went ft from 6 months. Had the same key worker until they started school and even though they are now in their first year at Uni they still are friends with other children they met at nursery. They were happy and well looked after, developed at a rapid rate and looked forward to nursery activities. I'm proud of how they have grown up and nursery was a part of that.

I think children thrive in almost any environment as unless there are SN its what we do, we just get on with it.

Only you know your DM op, it sounds like perhaps a mix of both....I agree with pp who say no under 3 needs a nursery at all, however I also would not want baby stuck in with mil for hours watching tv with no baby groups.
Can you find some and say she has to take him to them? Usually you can find them near to home, very cheap. In your situation I would let your mum do one day or even one and half, on the proviso she does at least one activity with him, even a toddler group only lasts max 3 hours you still have whole rest of day to watch tv!!
The problem in my mind with nurseries is staff can be so inconsistent, like anywhere else you get some great ones but one bad one....but at the end of the day only you know your DM...

Never mind negativity about nurseries, there seems to be plenty directed towards grandparents here! I don't think children under about 3 "need" to go to nursery, though of course it can be a good option if parents need to work. (It reminds me of a book I once read where the author wanted her 1yo to go to nursery to widen his 'circle of friends'). At that age I think one-to-one care with a loving family member is a better option. Maybe as a compromise you could go for two half or full days at nursery and one with your mum, potentially increasing nursery hours at age 2.5 or so.

Well obviously . I wasn't suggesting Vlad the Impaler or Katie Hopkins for the job.

Parents don't generally drop kick their babies at the nearest 'institution' to go make friends. We went to see lots of nurseries and I'm delighted with the one we chose. My daughter has been going since she was 10 months and has thrived. I don't have many friends with children her age but she plays beautifully with children her own age at nursery. The staff are friendly, experienced, capable and affectionate. They know her really well and she responds well to them. The turnover is extremely low. No staff members have left in the thirteen months she's been going except for one maternity leave. There's a dedicated kitchen and full time cook who makes all the meals and snacks, she's never had spaghetti hoops and spam fritters... They play outside every day and do a far wider range of messy/creative play than I would ever do at home.

To those saying there's nothing wrong with a bit of CBeebies and sweets now and again - it wouldn't be now and again. It'd be three full days a week, every week.

No doubt there are some wonderful GPs who would make fantastic carers and provide a home-from-home environment for the DC but it doesn't sound like that's the case for you OP. Plus when you're at work you can't put a price on reliability.... I'd never choose a grandparent as a regular carer for that reason alone. However to have backup for when DS is ill or when you need a babysitter for any other reason is invaluable. I'd make sure your mum knows you appreciate her for that alone!

I wish my parents were still about to spend some time with my daughter. Maybe she could pick little one up from nursery, let her help.

We compromised and did 2 days at nursery and one day with PILs (they were retired and offered, my parents were working.)

DD enjoyed her nursery days a lot. She started from 5 months (mat leave was shorter then). She was at nursery - two different ones as moved her when my job changed at age 2y - from 5 months to 4y when she started school. She made friends, did a range of activities, had trips out locally, did crafts, etc. Very beneficial and she was a very sociable friendly little girl who wanted to be with other children sometimes. We had absolutely NO issues with nursery provision at all.

She also did enjoy her day with nana and grandad. They didn't do clubs and groups but they enjoyed time together - sometimes in the house and garden, sometimes went out for lunch, walks, town, local parks, etc.

Was a good mix. We felt the 2 days/1 day worked best for us, and looking back I think we were right .

We were lucky - the free childcare from grandparents came with no strings, and we trusted them totally and knew they'd follow our leads. You only have to read threads on MN to know that this isn't always the case and I can understand why people tread carefully.

people saying childminder over nursery - you do know that the vast majority of childminders have more than one child and it is most definitely NOT 1:1 in most cases. Ad a good nursery will have a similar child/adult ratio, with good emotional links in place too.

Can only assume these posters have used poor nurseries and had such negative personal experiences to be so daring all the time.

daring = damning

Yabu. Yes there are some good nurseries (In my experience they are a tiny minority) but ALL of the research shows that children under age 2 are better off with family. There has even been some research showing much lower levels of brain development in children who attend nurseries, due to nurseries not talking to the children enough and too little outdoors time. Unless your mum is a complete incompetent then I think you have made a very ignorant/arrogant decision for your child. Are you sure this isn't more about you trying to stay in control of the childcare/ being jealous of the relationship he would develop with your mum?

www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/10384281/Children-who-spend-time-in-nurseries-more-likely-to-develop-behavioural-problems.html

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1545050/Children-can-be-damaged-by-nursery-stress.html

ALL of the research Boiing???

Try and avoid absolutes, it doesn't help your credibility.

www.theguardian.com/education/2009/feb/10/grandparents-childcare-pre-school

Again, the aggregate of high quality research shows no long term effects either way.