To not use my mum who wants to provide childcare?

[Revving5]

I really don't know if it's unreasonable of me

DS is going to nursery for 3 days a week (he's 1) while I'm at work. My mum is absolutely gutted and says that she wants to look after him, I'm really grateful for this, but I really want him to experience what the nursery can offer (healthy meals, the correct stimulation, interacting with strangers, learning to play with children his age, etc.) I just think it sets him up well.

We go and see my mum all the time in the week (I see her pretty much every day with DS, so it's not like she doesn't see him) and she kindly has him if I have a doctor appointment, etc. and as lovely as it is that they spend time together, I don't really want it for those 3 days too, not saying she doesn't do a good job!! She's a great nan, but I just worry that it's not like nursery at all.

I'm not being unreasonable am I?

I'd have loved this with my mum (she died young and never saw my kids). It depends a lot on the gran.

I had a fantastic relationship with my grandmother and I would have loved my kids to have grown up being taught to make home made cakes and to love animals etc. by my mum.

For me it would have been about the relationship. It would be making memories with a close family member that persists into early adult life, another person to be there with you, be on your side, well, love you. Having the extra 1 to 1 time would give depth to that.

That would trump Early Years for me.

Mind you, my kids never had that, and enjoyed nursery. Also, if you think your mum would not parent as you would like or would be put upon etc., you might want alternative provision., so much depends on the person.

OP I think you have accidentally set off a SAH vs WOH mom debate here disguised as gran vs nursery. I'd bet a lot of money the nursery haters have never visited a high quality nursery and are also women justifying giving up careers to stay home.

Oliver James ?!?! Blech - no one who understands peer review or well controlled research takes his opinions seriously. He's a woman hating neo-Freudian.

No one here could possibly know 1) the quality of your nursery and 2) the quality of childcare provided by your mother.

I paid my mum to have my DS. She never took him out and spoiled him horribly. She no longer looks after him but now refers to her as 'raising DS' while I was at work. It's been horrendous and destroyed both our relationship and the relationship between her and DS who has no respect for her as she let him do what he wanted to make him like her more than me (didn't work as I'm obviously mum though it made me realise the extent of mum's narc qualities) he still struggles in groups and nursery has been hard because of this. Don't do it! If your mum is 'gutted' by YOUR decision, it will probably go the same way for you!

My kids do a day with each set of grandparents and one at nursery. It works really well, they get to develop a relationship with their grandparents outside of their relationship with me and it makes it more manageable for holidays and things and saves us a fuckload of money. Plus they get LOADS out of nursery.

I can only assume the posters who said they won't only have experience of poor nurseries. Tbf I went to see a different one to the one mine are at recently and had that been my only experience of nursery I'd have had a terrible opinion of them too.

Choose a good nursery, maybe balance it out as two with them and a day with your mum to keep her happy and crack on.

There is obviously more to this if you don't want to use her don't
My child does nursery 3 days and my mum one day. They do things I wouldn't do with them she parents differently but it's ok and has meant I can work 4 days a week where as had we been paying for 4 days nursery then I probably would have needed to go back ft as 4 and 5 days childcare is pretty much the same
However I feel we miss out because I don't like to ask for eve baby sitting or weekend days as she does 1 day a week for us. I have also had to budget for when she is away etc to book him in for extra days
Overall it's been great as she sees him so we don't need to spend weekends or days off factoring in visits that said we probably don't see my parents as much etc
Overall it's been good and saved us 80 a week !!

I agree with nuttyknitter and others. Research shows that for a child up to the age of 3, secure attachment to the adult caregiver is what is important. This is why they have keyworkers at nursery. the problem is that staff change, go on holiday or simply have their attention taken up by their other charges. Personally I would much rather my child was looked after by someone that loved them. The benefits of socialisation etc come later.

Yabu and ignorant of child development if you think institutional care is better for a baby than being cared for by a relative who loves him.when he gets to 2.5 or 3 you can start to phase in pre- school.

I had a feeling that mentioning Oliver James was going to open a can of worms! But it's not just Oliver James. This is a subject that I've researched extensively for both professional and personal reasons and the evidence that a home childcare environment is better for under 2's than a nursery environment is pretty conclusive. OF COURSE that is not to say that a nursery will automatically "fuck up" your child, and of course there are home environments that are inferior to nurseries. But generally it is the case.

A 'high quality' nursery isn't better for a one year old than good care from a relative on a one to one basis.

I'd prefer a nursery too in those circumstances, just being with a loving adult isn't enough for little ones. They need a learning environment, access to other children and experiences, activities etc. Not stuck at home with the tv.

You'd be ignorant of child development if you thought that grandparents are always superior to nurseries.

That is because there is NO single variable that predicts child outcome. The variable with the best predictive outcome is maternal education. The higher the maternal education, and the better her vocabulary (a proxy measure for education) the better the child outcomes on a
verage. You can find a single, poorly controlled study to prove anything you like. The aggregate of high quality research shows that no one variable or parental decision will make that big a difference, be it breastfeeding, nurseries, sleep training, etc. The amount of words spoken to a child do matter, so in fact a child in a nursery that gets spoken to a lot MIGHT be better off than a child parked in front of the telly at grans all day. Of course there will be many other factors at play there as well, so I can only say MIGHT.

We all need to make the decisions that make us the best parents we can be. All of the guilt mongers should happily accept their own choices and not judge others. And OP, be careful in AIBU.

Cordially,

Dr. Malvin, PhD child development (really)

OP I think a lot of the replies here are for or against nursery and that's not really what you asked!

You have decided nursery is what you'd like for your child therefore it's the right thing. You are not being unreasonable to say thanks but no to your mum who really does sound like she adores her grandson and it's great they see so much of each other anyway.

I really do think it depends on the child. DS is a whirlwind of energy and incredibly sociable. Despite groups etc I struggle to meet his needs at home on my own. I always look in amazement at people who talk about pj days with their babies/toddlers. We have to be out by 9am or DS starts going crazy.

He is thriving at nursery because they have the non stop activity and interaction that he requires. He also doesn't nap much at 12 months so staff who have had breaks etc can keep up with him better than I can.

Like you OP he has 3 days at nursery and the rest with me. I think that's a lovely balance :)

My DD is 1 and in nursery 3 days a week. She loves it and it has been so good for confidence and development. I would definitely choose it over a grandparent for regular childcare.

If I were in your situation I would definitely go for your Mum having him. He's a baby. 3 is plenty of time to go to nursery.
Not knocking nursery if that's what you choose, or that's the only option available.
But he would benefit so much from being with his Nan for the next couple of years.
It's sad that in our culture we now perceive that 'Professionals' can do a better job even with babies than loving extended family.

My DM doesn't believe in giving a baby too many hugs, and that they need trained and are just being 'attention seeking'. She also didn't want the hassle of taking DD out at all. She was a shit mother, I thought she would be a better grandmother, she wasn't. Childminder gave DD more hugs/love/attention than my mother could.

I'm with Cherry to a point.
Yes the nursery might provide him with lots of stimulation, and healthy food, but. They don't love him at the end of the day.
You have free child care handed to you on a plate. Others would pray for that. Some people really do not know when they've got it good.

YANBU to turn down her childcare. You have no obligation to accept it.

However I don't think they get much extra out of nursery at 1, and they are long days. How about putting him in nursery 2 days a week (less than that and it can be harder to settle) and let him have one pj day a week with your mum? Also bear in mind that when you only have 2 weekdays at home, they can easily get busy with toddler groups, seeing friends etc so you might not. Have as much time to see your mum as now.

2 days nursery, I day GPs was what we did with DC1, but the logistics were too much for us to cope with (GPs not local) and DC2 did 3 days in nursery instead. We needed to do that for our sanity. Personally I think DC1 had it better. It was a bit complicated so we had photos of everyone up on the wall and talked each day about who would have her the next day. Nursery is great logistically for the social/educational side they don't need to be in there at 1, or for 3 days per week.

Unless you've got a real issue with her taking him, I'd have her do afternoons (so long as she can pick him up). 3 full time days is a lot for a 1 year old and research shows one to one time is more important before three. You can get all the benefits of nursery in the morning. Also you'll save money, give the two of them the chance to attach and not have to worry about getting back to nursery on time. He'll get better sleep for his nap and you won't be paying people to let him sleep. You can change the mix again as he gets older, e.g. phase in full days for him. You are so lucky, most of us don't have this offer.

I would (and have done with our DC) go with one day with grandma and the rest at nursery. If, as you say, she would spend all day sat about the house eating rubbish, then that's ok for one day a week but not ideal for 3.

MIL has our DC one day a week and she does take them out and about, but had a tendency to feed them crap. I'm not too bothered, it's one day a week and they do have a good diet the rest of the time. The nursery they go to serves proper food, made in house, and have a very low staff turnover. The majority of the staff have in fact been there since before DS1 started 4 years ago. They do a lot of activities at nursery, and have outside time just about every day, which helps burn off all that energy (great because they certainly wouldn't be happy just sitting v in front of the tv all day).

At that age I'd pick family over nursery every time.
His still very much a baby and he'll be happier with a 1-1 adult caring for him.

My dd went to nursery at 9 months, and honestly she loved it. Loved being around her friends, doing the messy play that I don't like at home. At 2 she still loves it. They don't have to be 3 at all.

I would turn down that much childcare as well, inevitably there will be clashes, issues with if she is sick or on holiday, and plus would that mean she couldn't help you on an ad hoc basis? Plus it might take the specialness away from other days.

Also have to possibly consider future children.

Maybe agree one day every other week so you can have a day to yourself for appointments etc?

I was "given" to grandparents a lot when small and it was very dull. It was also dangerous as they just couldn't keep up with me. I would lean towards nursery.

Some of you are talking utter bollox about nursery. I do think that babies are mostly 'better' off with their parent, if they can and if the homelife is good. Because yes, one to one loving care is the best.

But thenursery that both of my children have been to doesn't have and has never had a single inexperienced teenager. All of the staff are in their late 20s-early 50s. A few of the staff bring their own children/grandchildren to the nursery.

The don't eat crackers and cheese they have proper cooked hot meals cooked on site. I've seen it with my own eyes.

Personally if money was no object I'd rather look after my own baby, doing lots of activities. But I wish people would stop making out nurseries are all staffed with dozey teenagers because that isn't my experience at all.

Nurseries can provide brilliant care. Good nurseries are bright, friendly places where babies and toddlers are well taken care of and develop into healthy happy children. If you are lucky enough to have the option of free, loving, one to one care from a competent adult who you can trust completely I would go for that every time for a one year old.